14. Is That…Vibrating?
CHAPTER
IS THAT…VIbrATING?
ROSIE
“I think it’s clean, Ro.”
Archie tears the plate I’ve been washing for five minutes from my hands, rinsing the suds before setting it on the drying rack. “That guy really did dickmatize you, didn’t he?”
“Dickmatize is not a real word.”
“It is in my vocabulary, and yours now, too, since you’ve been walking around with that dazed look on your face for days.” Archie takes the next plate from me. “Proud of you, though. You’re like a horny teenager discovering herself for the first time.”
I roll my eyes, flicking suds at him. “I’m a mother; I’m hardly discovering myself for the first time.”
“Practically. How many orgasms did Brandon give you while you two were doing…whatever the fuck you were doing? Two?”
“Shut up.”
“One?”
My mouth scrunches as I scrub a fork with vigor.
“Rosie, tell me Brandon gave you at least one—”
“I can give myself orgasms, okay?” It comes out a little more Attitude-y Judy than I mean it to, because no, Brandon never gave me an orgasm, and quite frankly, any orgasms I manage to give myself are both fleeting and underwhelming. Better than nothing, I guess.
“I need an orgasm,” I say at the exact moment Archie declares, “You need to get laid.”
“I don’t want to jump into anything with Adam, though.” I drain the sink, washing my hands. “I want the physical stuff, but I don’t want it to override everything else, you know?”
“It sounds like you guys are moving at a fine pace.” He snags my lower lip and tugs it free of my teeth. “What are you really worried about?”
I nibble my thumbnail and lift a shoulder. “What if I’m boring in bed? I don’t have a lot of experience, and we never really tried anything different. Is that why Brandon always wanted it to be over so quick? And we never cuddled after. He’d always roll away, or get up to play video games, or—”
“Rosie.” Archie takes my face in his hands. “I know he’s Connor’s dad, but the guy’s a total mooncalf; sorry, not sorry. He’s never deserved your time, your body, or your heart, but you gave him all of it anyway.”
“I just wanted someone to want me.” The words are fractured and whispered, and I hate that they hurt, the way they singe the air and leave it heavy and suffocating.
“I know you did, honey. But he left you with more insecurities than you started with, and I hate him for that. You’ve got a beautiful heart.
You’re so kind, so smart, and so incredibly strong.
He has a way of making you forget that. I don’t know Adam, but he seems to make you remember all those things about yourself.
” Archie takes my hands, a gentle squeeze that always settles my racing thoughts.
“Let him build you up. And in the meantime, let’s get you some toys so you can work on taking care of yourself. ”
I slap his hands away. “I don’t need a dildo.”
“There are these clit suckers too.”
“Archie, I’m not buying toys for myself.”
He winks, throwing the dish towel over his shoulder as he starts putting the dishes away. “Okay, Rosie.”
“ You’re
not buying me toys either.”
Another wink. “Definitely not, Rosie.”
I jab a finger into his shoulder. “Stop saying my name.”
A sneaky smirk. “Sure thing, Ro.” His chuckle chases after me as I scoop up Connor’s diaper bag. “You’d be less grumpy if you got laid.”
“Mmm,” I grunt out, tossing the bag by the door before I join Connor on the living room floor, where he’s playing with his farm animals. “Are you ready to go to the park, baby?”
He picks up the small cow, thrusting it in my face. “Cow! Moooo
!” The chicken is next, bouncing along my thigh. “Cluck-cluck, cluck-cluck!”
I tap on the green tractor. “And what’s this?”
“Trac- ta
! Brum-brum!”
“Hey, monkey.” Archie leans in the doorway. “We goin’ to the park?”
Connor leaps to his feet, tossing his animals in a basket before running toward Archie on wobbly legs. “ Pak
! Pak
!”
I throw my arms in the air. “Doesn’t care when I suggest it.”
“’Cause I’m cool Uncle Arch.” He scoops Connor up, setting him in the wagon and nudging my shoes toward me. “You’re just Mom.”
Just Mom
is trying her hardest to be cool, brave Mom, which is why I’m in my bathing suit again today for my son, chasing him around the splash pad at the park a half hour later beneath the warm summer sun.
“I’m proud of you,” Archie tells me when we break for a snack. “You’re making big strides with the water lately.”
“Connor had the best time swimming with Adam yesterday. He kept jumping in, right into Adam’s arms. He was so happy. I went in too. All the way.”
Archie stares at me, brows hiked, lips parted.
“Okay, I clung to Adam, and he promised he wouldn’t drop me. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, once I was in there, but I’d guess that has more to do with him.”
“Did you tell him? About—”
“That I almost drowned? Yeah.”
“And your parents?”
“I told him they passed away.”
“But you didn’t tell him the two were related?” he guesses. “You nearly drowning and your parents passing?”
I shake my head, shame creeping up my throat.
“Hey.” Archie squeezes my knee. “It’s okay. There’s no rush.”
“It’s just…what if I give him too much? Too soon? Then if it doesn’t work out, I’ve lost it all again. That sounds silly, I know, but—”
“It’s not silly, Rosie, but I do wish you weren’t always expecting the worst. I get it, though. Or I try to, at least.”
“Adam was in the foster system too,” I tell him quietly.
“Really? What are the chances? Something for you two to connect over.”
“Yeah, I thought so, too, but then…” I rub my neck, guilt making my throat tight. “I didn’t tell him I was in foster care. Our experiences were different. He was four, and he was adopted in under a year.”
Archie nods. “So you feel like, rather than connecting over a shared experience, they were way too different for Adam to possibly sympathize with you.”
I drop my face, ashamed. “How awful am I? Nobody is in the system for happy reasons. But when he talked about finding his family, I was just…so jealous. And I feel dirty for feeling that way, Arch. I’m an adult now.
I should be over this. I’ve got a family of my own now. I have nothing to complain about.”
“Is that how that works? Your parents die, leaving you all alone in a big, scary world, you want nothing more than to find a family who’ll choose to love you, and when you don’t find that, you’re supposed to just grow up and get over it?
” Archie shakes his head. “No, your experience definitely doesn’t diminish his, but neither does his diminish yours. ”
“I should’ve told him then that I was in the system too,” I argue, “but I was so focused on how different our experiences were, how we couldn’t possibly connect because of those differences, how jealous I was, that I couldn’t share it.”
“Meeting someone where they’re at isn’t always about finding a way to relate to what they’ve gone through.
He shared something and you listened, which is all he could really ask for.
What’s going on in your head is your own business.
Your feelings are valid and you need to process them, and look at you, doing it right now.
You don’t need to punish yourself because you immediately made assumptions about someone else. ”
It makes sense, all of it, and Archie’s always been this person for me, the one who hears my thoughts and validates all of them before helping me through the other side. It takes me a while to get there sometimes, that’s all.
“Hey.” He cups my face, forcing my eyes to his.
“You spent a long time convincing yourself you weren’t lovable because nobody chose you.
You wanted to be someone’s first choice, and you weren’t.
But we aren’t for everyone. There’s always been something better waiting for you.
” He points to Connor. “You’re that little boy’s first and only choice.
And you’ll be someone else’s first choice when it comes to love too.
Maybe it’ll be Adam, maybe it won’t. But what matters most, Rosie, is that you’re your own first choice.
Love yourself for exactly who you are and where you’re at, mistakes, imperfections, and all.
The people who are going to choose you will love all your pieces, not just some of them. ”
* * *
“Come on. Just one quick glimpse at his Instagram.”
“Absolutely not.”
Marco shakes his phone at me, the same way he’s been doing for the last hour while trying to pry Adam’s last name out of me so he and Archie can snoop his profile. “Come on. Don’t you wanna see if he’s got any pictures of his exes?”
“That sounds like a terrible idea.” The last thing I want to do is compare myself to any woman he’s dated in the past. I work hard to be happy with the way I look, and it’s not always easy. Comparison is the thief of joy.
“Okay, we don’t care about exes. That’s good. Can’t you just show your hot boyfriend off to your besties?”
“He doesn’t have social media,” I lie lazily, ignoring that boyfriend label that we haven’t discussed.
“What kind of a loser doesn’t have social media in this day and age?”
I pin my arms across my chest and scowl at Marco’s ridiculous, toothy grin as Archie hides behind a couch cushion. “Me.” The buzzer by the door rings and I race over to it, thinking it might be Adam. “Hello?”
“I’ve, uh…” The unknown voice on the other side clears his throat. “Got a couple of…packages…for Rosie Wells?”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll be down in a minute.” I scoop my bag up and frown at Archie. “That’s weird, I don’t remember ordering anything.”
“Mhmm,” he hums, folding his lips into his mouth. “So weird.”
“I’ll grab the packages and wait out front for Adam. See you later.”
“Byyye,” Archie calls over his shoulder.
“Nice choice on the dress,” Marco adds. “Easy access.”
Easy access.
Psssh. Please.
It’s not like I’m hoping to feel Adam’s hands on my legs during the movie tonight, below the stars at the drive-in. I’m absolutely not