26. They Called My Mom
CHAPTER
THEY CALLED MY MOM
ADAM
I forgot
how physically exhausting heartbreak is.
It’s staring at your phone until late into the night, rereading old messages, smiling at pictures.
Typing out a hundred new messages, only to second-guess and delete every single one.
Heartbreak is forgetting to eat, not sleeping at all, or sleeping way too much.
It’s brain fog and stomach aches, skipping your morning workout, and forgetting you made plans.
Heartbreak is a thousand times worse when Rosie is the one your heart is missing.
I wish it were as easy as getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness, but as I sink down to one of the couches in the main living space of Second Change Home, I know it’s not.
I lied to Rosie, someone who trusted me with everything precious in her life.
And instead of being furious with me, instead of yelling, telling me she’d never forgive me, she comforted me.
She took my pain in her hands and gave me grace.
For space, for patience. And, like I told her then, I’d give her anything she’d ever ask for.
A quiet shuffle brings my gaze up, finding little Lily standing at the opposite end of the couch, hands clasped, head down.
“Hey, Lily.”
“Hi, Adam.” She scuffs at the floor, big brown eyes bouncing to mine, then back down. “Could I sit with you?”
I pat the cushion next to me. “You can always sit with me, sweetheart.”
She shuffles over, leaving a gap between us. “Did I do something bad?”
“Something bad?”
She nods, eyes fixed on her hands in her lap. “Sometimes at home Daddy would say he didn’t want to see me. He said it was because I was being bad, but I never knew what I did. He would lock me in my room for a while.”
A muscle tics in my jaw. “A while?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t allowed to go outside or go downstairs to watch TV or play with my toys.
Mama would bring me sandwiches and stuff and come play with me while Daddy was sleeping.
” She tugs at the hem of her dress, over and over, her knuckles turning white.
“I thought maybe I was bad and you didn’t want to see me anymore. ”
Anger moves through me, and I force my fists to unclench. I don’t know Lily’s story, but I know I don’t want to be anything like her dad. That I’ve inadvertently made her feel unwanted while I was in my own head these past two weeks makes me sick.
I reach across the gap, hooking my pinky around her tiny one.
“I’m sorry, Lily-bug. I was having a couple of tough days, but I shouldn’t disappear like that.
I’m sorry I scared you, and I’m so sorry I made you feel like it had anything to do with you.
You’re special to me, and I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt your feelings like that. ”
Slowly, she slides her small hand into mine. “How come you called me Lily-bug?”
“I’m not sure. But it sounds kinda happy, doesn’t it? And I feel happy when I’m with you. Feels a little like my heart is smiling.”
Her ears burn red, and she scrunches her nose and mouth, trying to hide her smile. “Mama used to call me Lily-bug. Before Daddy sent her to heaven.”
Fuck.
“If you want, I won’t call you it again. You can keep it your special name that you shared only with your mama.”
Lily stays quiet, scooching close and turning our clasped hands over in her lap, running one tiny fingertip over my knuckles. “Why are you sad today?”
“Not doing a good job of hiding it, huh?”
Her nose crinkles. “Maybe you’re better at hockey?”
“I hope so,” I chuckle, then sigh. “I hurt someone’s feelings. Someone special to me. I lied to her about something silly, and it really hurt her.”
“How come you did that?”
“I was scared of getting hurt, and I didn’t want to lose her. I thought maybe she might like me better if she didn’t know I played hockey.”
Lily cocks her head. “But why? I like you even though you play hockey.”
“Yeah?” I squeeze her hand. “Why do you like me?”
“Because you’re nice to me, you make me laugh, you make bracelets with me, and on days when I’m really sad, I forget why I’m sad when you play with me.”
Something warm moves through me, and I fight the urge to wrap this little girl up in my arms. “That makes me feel really special, Lily. Thank you.”
“You are special, Adam.” The compassion shining in her gaze rocks me to my core.
In this moment, I realize how much she reminds me of Rosie.
“I could give you a hug, if you want. Mama said I have magic hugs. They always made her feel happy when she was sad. So if you want…” She shrugs. “I could give you a hug.”
“I’d love a magic hug.”
Cautiously, she wraps her tiny arms around me. I wind my arm around her back, holding her gently, and as she snuggles into me, everything feels like it’ll be okay. I guess that’s the magic.
“Adam? I think you could call me Lily-bug. Like my mama did.”
“That would make me feel really special to share something with you that you only shared with your mama.”
“I think she’d like it if I shared it with you.” She lays her head against me, sighing softly. “You feel safe, just like my mama.”
* * *
They called my fucking mom.
My dad, too, but he simply clapped my back and slid out into the backyard with the rest of the guys, murmuring a quick, “Good luck,” before leaving me alone with this pack of vicious hyenas.
“Quite frankly,” my mom starts, “it’s about time I was invited to girls’ night, since somebody
has been ignoring my phone calls.”
I scuff at my floor. “I’ve been busy.”
“Busy wallowing in self-pity,” Cara clarifies with an eye roll.
“Busy missing Rosie,” Olivia corrects with a sharp look at Cara.
“Busy taking care of his premature arthritis ’cause he’s back to jacking off now,” Jennie mumbles, checking out her nails.
I drag my hands down my face. “ How
?”
“How what?” Cara asks.
“How are you guys my best option?”
“Hey!” Olivia props her fists on her hips. “I take great offense to that! I’m mostly normal and
mature!”
With my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, I run my fingers through my hair. “Maybe we call it a night.” I ruffle Bear’s ears, and he cracks one sleepy lid, staring up at me from my lap. “What do you think, bud? Am I a lost cause?”
“Adam.” Olivia squeezes in beside me. “You’re not a lost cause.”
“I know how easy it is to give up on yourself,” Jennie offers gently. “But we aren’t going to let you do that.”
“I just really miss her.” I rub my chest, trying to soothe the ache beating there. “It’s not getting any easier, giving her space. I only get angrier with myself each day that goes by without her.”
“I hate Courtney,” my mom mutters.
“I’m with Bev,” Cara says, slinging one leg over the other. “And it’s not too late to circle back to my original idea of running her down with my car.”
“We’re not running anyone over,” Olivia says.
“But if she were to be accidentally pushed—” She holds up a hand, stopping herself and shaking her head.
“Of all the terrible things Courtney has done, the worst by far is breaking you down to the point of believing you—exactly as you are—are unworthy of someone’s love. ”
I hang my head. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“We know who you are, Adam,” Jennie insists quietly. “You’re eternally hopeful. Somebody who always tries to see the best in others.”
“You root for everyone, and you always stand by your friends’ sides,” Olivia adds.
“You cheer for the little people who can’t cheer for themselves,” Cara tells me. “Some of those kids didn’t have a reason to smile until you came into their lives.”
“You’ve got the biggest heart out of anyone I know,” Garrett says from behind me, and I turn, finding my friends and my dad in my patio doorway.
“When I feel like a failure, I find you,” Emmett tells me. “You lift me up and remind me how far I’ve come.”
“You make me want to be a better person,” Jaxon mumbles, gaze bouncing from me to the floor. “I think I kinda already am, and it’s because I follow you.”
Carter leans against the doorway, his daughter in his arms. “You believe in me when no one else does.”
I huff a tired laugh. “That’s proven to be an expensive trait of mine.”
“And you give the best snuggles,” he coos in a baby voice, waving Ireland’s arms around as she giggles. “And you’re definitely the most handsome and strong of all my uncles, almost as handsome and strong as my daddy, but not quite.”
Laughter rings throughout the room, and Carter sets his smiling daughter down in my arms. “Seriously, man, you don’t see yourself clearly.
And we get it. How could you after everything you’ve been through?
But if you look around this room, you’ll see a bunch of people who love you.
” He shrugs. “But you need to love you too. Especially if you want Rosie to love you.”
“Why do you feel like you don’t deserve her?” my dad asks.
“I never said that.”
“Not with your words, maybe. But that’s what your actions said, isn’t it? You hid who you were because you felt like that person might be less deserving of her love.”
Rosie is everything good and bright in this world.
She’s got the purest heart, made of the warmest sunshine.
She’s the embodiment of compassion and grace, the kindest person I’ve ever known, someone who strives to give people the understanding she didn’t receive when she needed it most. She’s continuously working on herself, taking difficult steps to give her son the life he deserves.
She’s always trying to be the best version of herself, but I don’t think she needs to change a thing; her drive and her heart ensure she’s someone who only puts her best foot forward every time she moves.