26. They Called My Mom #2
“What if I can’t give her everything she’s spent her life searching for?
” I whisper. “I can’t be a partner who’s at her side every day when I’m traveling seventy-five percent of the year.
I’ll miss birthdays and anniversaries, and I won’t be holding her hand through some of her toughest moments.
How can I be the partner she deserves? The family she and Connor need?
” I shake my head as the truth grips my throat. “I can’t be.”
“Ah,” my mom murmurs. “So that’s why you only chose her with half of your heart.”
The girls are all nodding, but I’m sitting here, so lost I can’t figure out left from right.
“Here you have this beautiful woman who’s lived her life not being chosen.
Who has wanted nothing more than for someone to see her and love her enough to choose her and her son.
And you chose her, Adam, you really did.
But you didn’t choose yourself. You took all of her, and you only gave her half of you in return.
All those broken pieces don’t make a whole unless you give all of them to her. ”
All this time, I wanted someone to like the parts of me that weren’t defined by hockey.
I wanted someone to see me outside the sport and everything it’s brought me, and want those parts too.
Because for so long, that’s all I’ve been.
But the truth is…hockey is a part of me.
It’s made me everything I am today, both the good and the bad.
I’m loyal and supportive because I know how to be part of a team.
I’m empathetic because I know what it feels like to lose, to put so much pressure on myself to succeed, and I know what it’s like to have people support me every step of the way when I don’t think I deserve it.
I love as hard as I do because people have loved me just as hard back.
And because people have broken me, and I never, ever want to be like them.
I found Rosie. Finally, I fucking found her
. Someone who makes me feel like a person
. I forget when I’m with her. Forget that I’ve been broken. I forget to put on an act. I forget how much money I’m worth and yet still, with her by my side, I feel fucking priceless.
Irreplaceable. When I’m with Rosie, I feel like there’s no one alive who can love her the way I do, the way I want to promise to love her for as long as she’ll let me.
But when I’m alone, I remember.
I remember that I’ve been replaced by someone I loved.
That I’ve been nothing but dollar signs, a fancy house, and a handsome face.
I forget all the things Rosie loves about me, the things I love about myself, and I fixate on everything else.
Everything that pulls me deeper into the lie I’ve spun, where I can’t face the possibility of giving Rosie everything, because everything has never been enough.
“What if I give her all of me and she decides she doesn’t want it?” The words are hoarse, halfway to broken, barely hanging onto a thread of hope. “I don’t have anything else to give her.”
Olivia lays her hand over mine. “You give what you can, Adam, and if she doesn’t want it, that’s her loss, and it’s a big one.
But for what it’s worth, I can’t imagine her not loving all of you.
What you’ve given her is who you are; the hockey is just an extension of yourself.
It doesn’t change a single thing about your heart.
She needs to give you a chance to show her that—and she will, because she’s always been so patient, so good at making you feel seen.
And you need to be willing to let her have all those pieces, to trust her with them. ”
“It’s okay to be scared, Adam,” Jennie murmurs.
“Because when you have trouble loving your own broken pieces, nothing seems scarier than giving them to someone else.” Her eyes flit to Garrett, and something soft moves across her gaze.
“But sometimes those people show you exactly how to love the broken bits of yourself. To them, you’re not broken at all. ”
My mom smiles softly from across the room.
“Go show Rosie how well you can love her, simply because you’re you and she’s her.
Show her that she and Connor are the family you choose because you’re each other’s perfect fit.
Show her that the man she’s fallen for and the hockey player she’s only just met are one and the same.
Show her you love her, Adam, because we know you do. And deep down, I think she knows too.”
Cara wipes a single tear from her eye, sniffling. “I knew calling your mom was my best work yet. I can’t wait to see how I eventually top it.”
My dad comes to stand behind me, nudging my shoulder.
“Maybe two weeks is long enough to wait idly on the sidelines. You’ve been patient, and that’s great.
Now maybe what Rosie needs is for you to step up and remind her that you’re still here, and you’re not going anywhere.
That when she’s ready, you’ll be right here, ready to move forward with her.
” He winks. “Women love men who chase them just a little. Just ask your mom.”
“And Ollie,” Carter adds with the pump of his brows. “She wanted me from the beginning, but she pretended she didn’t—”
“Carter.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, crossing his arms. “But it was relevant.”
Mom hugs me from behind, kissing my temple.
“I’m proud of you, honey. I want you to be proud of you too.
” She brushes one of Ireland’s curls from her forehead.
“Jesus, Carter, I can’t believe you had a hand in making anything so beautiful and pure.
Thank God for your incredible wife.” She straightens, patting my shoulder.
“Garrett, I’ve got a box of snacks for you out in the—”
“Say less,” he says, breathless as he dashes down the hallway.
It’s amazing how, just like that, my worries begin to fade. I guess that’s what family is for, though: to lift you up when you’ve fallen so hard you can’t see your way out. Even the hardest things feel more manageable with my family surrounding me.
So as we spend the rest of the evening soaking up the last of summer on the patio, drinking beer and eating barbecue, I feel content. For the first time in two weeks, I fall asleep peacefully, and when I wake in the morning with sunshine streaming across my face, I’m optimistic.
The time on my phone tells me it’s after nine, which is probably why Bear isn’t in bed. If I haven’t fed him by seven, I can find him waiting at his bowl in the kitchen, acting like I’ve starved him for days.
I wander downstairs, the smell of my mom’s French toast wafting from the kitchen, making my stomach rumble. I drop a kiss to her cheek, stealing a piece of bacon from the platter.
“Morning, honey. I tried to feed Bear, but he wasn’t interested.” She gestures at the yard. “He’s lounging out back in the sun. Seems like he’s moving a bit slow today.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I head out back with his bowl, whistling for him.
His head pops up from where he’s curled up beneath the shade of an oak, but he doesn’t move except for the excited whip of his tail as I approach.
“What’s up, bud?” I set his bowl down in front of him, ruffling his floppy ears and kissing the spot between his eyes.
He lays his head back down, and I frown, running my palm over his belly.
It’s hard to tell beneath all the fur, but it feels swollen, bloated almost. “You got a belly ache, big guy?”
Huge brown eyes stare up at me as his tail slows to a happy, steady thump on the grass, but he makes no move to eat his breakfast.
“Grandma’s making bacon,” I try, and that steady thump turns frantic before he climbs to his feet. “’Atta boy. C’mon, big guy. It’s the good stuff, double smoked and maple flavored.”
He jogs ahead of me, a happy skip to his step before he stops suddenly. His eyes come to mine over his shoulder, and for a moment I think he’s waiting for me to catch up.
Until all one-hundred-and-forty pounds of him collapses on the patio.