Chapter 15
IVY
I jog down the hall into Sawyer’s room and pull his shirt over my head, leaving it folded on the dresser. I yank on my clothes from last night and sit on the edge of the bed with my phone in hand, waiting for it to power on. I know Zoe will be awake, but I don’t have the time to explain everything right now.
My phone comes to life and texts start popping up in rapid succession.
Unknown: You can’t ignore me forever.
Unknown: Answer me
Zoe: Brooks seriously showed up at my place. He’s looking for you babe.
Zoe: I told him you weren’t home right now but he seemed suspicious. Call me. He was acting pretty crazy.
Unknown: You think I wouldn’t figure out you left town?
Unknown: You can’t hide forever Ivy.
Unknown: We belong together. This isn’t fucking over. Not by a long shot.
Dread fills me but I do my best to shake it off. I don’t think Brooks will chase me all the way to Aspen Ridge, so I click on Zoe’s messages and shoot her a text telling her that I think Brooks will get over it soon, especially since I’m not there anymore, and ask if she’s free to video chat tonight. I think within a week Brooks will be over it and onto the next thing.
I hope.
I have no idea what the hell I’m doing going into town with Sawyer. I’m unsure where we stand with each other, but I find myself unable to say no to him despite my hesitation. In less than twenty-four hours, all my plans for returning here have gone up in flames. I owe Sawyer another talk, and if he wants to go get breakfast, that’s what we’ll do. My nerves are getting the best of me, and dealing with all of this on an empty stomach isn’t helping. Since I finger brushed my teeth before going to the kitchen in search of coffee earlier, I’m ready to go, so I turn my phone off—not wanting texts from Brooks to pop up in front of Sawyer—and place it back in my purse.
I find him waiting for me in the entryway wearing a pair of denim jeans, boots, and his jacket, a hand running through his hair as he looks me over.
Holy shit. He’s so fucking sexy.
“Hey. Last night I was a little reckless with you, so I want to apologize. My judgment was muddled and it won’t happen again. I’ll take you on the back of my bike any time you want, but you’re going to have to dress appropriately. I have a spare leather jacket that you’re going to wear, as well as a helmet.”
He holds a jacket out for me to slip on, and I turn my back to him before putting my arms through the sleeves. I face him again and his eyes meet mine.
“May I?”
I nod my head and watch his face as he zips the jacket up, his eyes following the track. He adjusts the collar before meeting my eyes again, his are filled with mirth and he grins wickedly.
“What?”
“You look good in my jacket.”
“Hmm. I’d argue that, since I’m swimming in it.”
He cuffs the sleeves twice so my hands are free.
“You ready?”
“No.” I laugh.
“What now?”
“I missed that sound.”
“My laugh?” I chuckle again.
“Yeah.”
“Liar. Everyone makes fun of my laugh. It’s obnoxious.”
“I always loved it, Ivy. You know that.” He gives me the most lethal wink.
“I see you’re still a smooth talker.” I dramatically roll my eyes. “Let’s go. I’m starving and I need caffeine before I get mean.”
“After you.”
I open the front door and head into the morning air. It’s the first week of September and the temperature outside is perfect. It’s still warm, but not sweltering like some days in July and August. It’s early and the sun has just finished rising. Fog kisses almost everything still and I forgot just how much I love mornings up here in the mountains. I take a brief look around his property and it’s clear he found a gem on the outskirts of town.
To the left of his house sits a large four-car garage. The door starts to rise to reveal a truck and his motorcycle, I realize he must have moved it into the garage after I went to bed last night. I look everything over when it hits me.
“Sawyer, is that?” I point to the unmistakable red truck. He looks at it before looking back at me.
“Yep. Same one. Don’t have the heart to get rid of her when she still runs great.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah. Lots of memories in that thing, huh?”
“Yeah. Lots.”
One in particular stands out above all the rest. The night we lost our virginity to each other in the bed of it. I shake my head and see him still looking at me. He smiles like he knows exactly what I was remembering.
I watch him kick up the stand of his bike and walk it out before putting the kickstand back down.
“Climb on, baby.”
“Before you?”
“I want to see you on it.”
“You aren’t serious.”
“Oh, but I am. Now get on the bike, Ivy.”
I swing my leg over and sit back on the seat before giving him a wide, cheeky smile.
“Happy?”
“You have no idea how much.” His smile is devilish and so fucking handsome. Butterflies take flight deep in my stomach and goosebumps scatter across my skin as he studies me.
“Now you can get off.”
“What? What the fuck was the point of that?”
“I told you. I wanted to see you on it. You should see your smile. Feels good, huh?”
“Oh my word, Sawyer.” I climb off the bike and give him an exaggerated eye roll, even though I know the smile hasn’t left my face.
He puts the helmet I wore last night on me and buckles it before doing the same with his own before sitting on the bike. I watch as he expertly kicks up the stand and steadies it before he motions to me with his finger.
“Let’s go, baby.”
I get as comfortable as I can before his hands reach back to grip my thighs and pull me so I’m flush against him again.
“Wrap those thighs and arms around me. No excuses.”
My thighs are spread wide to accommodate his muscular frame, but I do my best to tighten them around him before running my palms around his sides and hugging him snugly. Sawyer pulls out of his driveway and the ride is just as good as last night. I relax against his back and watch the world fly past us in a blur.
We pull up to Bean Haven and park a few stalls down on Main Street as the panic starts to rise in my chest. Sawyer pats my leg, signaling it’s time for me to climb off this beast. I do my best and stumble a bit, because of course I can’t do anything gracefully. He hops off in a much more dignified manner. He reaches his hands up to remove my helmet, but I shake my head out of his reach.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to go in, Sawyer. Please. I changed my mind.”
“Ivy. Trust me?”
Do I? My immediate reaction is yes. But I know I shouldn’t. I can’t.
Why did I come here?
Why did I let him take me here?
I can’t believe I’m standing on Main Street with Sawyer.
Holy shit. Ms. Nettie is yards away.
I look side to side and see people moving about, opening their shops, kids walking to school with their parents.
I can feel my pulse thrumming throughout my body at a rapid pace as the world closes in on me. My hands start to sweat as I twist and knead them in front of me.
My mind starts to spiral, and I take a step back from him and then another. A car flies by behind me as Sawyer reaches out, his hands grabbing both of my arms and yanking me into his firm chest. The top of the helmet bounces off his chin and he grunts. I gasp for air, the weight of the panic attack suffocating my lungs.
“Fuck, Ivy. Are you okay?”
Sawyer puts enough space between us to reach for the helmet again, and this time I let him remove it. His eyes dart all over my face in search of injuries that aren’t there, reading the panic that’s raging inside me. I see concern and fear written all over him. His hands reach down to brush the hair out of my face before he pulls me back into his chest.
Air. I need air. I close my eyes to focus on the breathing technique my therapist taught me. Five counts in, hold for five, out for five.
“That’s it, baby. Breathe for me. You’re okay.”
His voice is so calming. I instinctively relax into his chest and rest my head where his heart sits. He threads a hand through my hair, holding me close while the other hand continues to rub up and down my back in firm strokes.
Five in.
Hold for five.
Five out.
He continues to shower me with praise as the world disappears and all that’s left is the sound of Sawyer’s strong heartbeat, his deep, comforting voice, and the smell of cedar and maple.
“Keep breathing.”
“You’re doing so well.”
“You’re safe, I promise.”
“I’m so proud of you, baby.”
I take one last deep breath before I’ve composed myself enough to look up at him.
“Thank you.”
“You did all of that yourself. I’m proud of you. When did you start having panic attacks?”
“Right after I left.”
He cocks his head to the side and studies me for a moment before accepting my answer and moving on from it. I appreciate him not asking further questions on the matter. I forgot how easy it is to talk to him. I’m fairly positive he could ask me whatever he wants and I wouldn’t be able to filter myself if I tried. It was always that way. So effortless.
“If you want to leave, we can. Or you can stay out here and I’ll go in and then we can leave. It’s up to you.”
I shift on my feet and twist my fingers in my hand. Sawyer looks down and watches my nervous habit before reaching for them and dwarfing them in his own.
“I would never do anything to hurt you, nor would I ever allow anything to hurt you. Physically, emotionally, or otherwise. Say the word and we’ll leave. But I really want to take you inside for coffee and muffins.”
I really do want a muffin. And coffee. I can do this. I was born and raised here. It can’t break me if I’m already broken anyway.
“Okay.” I take another deep breath. “Let’s go.”
“That’s my girl.”
He only releases one of my hands before turning and pulling me onto the cobblestones and walking us toward Bean Haven.
Ms. Nettie is sitting outside with a tiny dog in her lap.
“Quite the little show you two just put on over there. You back for good, Ivy?”
Stunned by her straightforwardness, I freeze and stumble over what to say.
“Good morning to you, too, Ms. Nettie,” Sawyer says, greeting her.
As if his voice was a trigger, the little dog jumps down from her lap and starts growling and nipping around Sawyer’s feet and ankles.
“Really, Ms. Nettie? Must we do this every time I need a coffee? Minnie belongs on a leash,” Sawyer chastises.
“Her name is Winnie, you fool. She doesn’t need a leash, she only misbehaves when you come around.”
I laugh and Sawyer shoots me a glare. I let go of his hand and kneel down to the little mutt, offering my hand out for her to smell.
“Hi, Winnie. Hi, girl.” She trots over to me and sniffs my hand before giving it a few licks, her tail wagging like crazy.
She allows me to scoop her up and pet her as she snuggles into my chest.
“Winnie is very sweet, Ms. Nettie. Here you go.” I put her back down in her lap and find Sawyer shaking his head at me.
He opens the door to Bean Haven, and I take in the updated decor as I step over the threshold. It has the cutest bohemian vibe. Three of the walls are painted a creamy off-white, while the fourth is red brick. Bean Haven is painted in a gorgeous loopy font above the counter. Live plants hang from the ceiling in some of the corners, while others are in huge wicker baskets. The display case is filled with mouthwatering pastries. This is an entirely different space from what it was when I grew up coming here.
“You’re going to need a rabies shot after touching that feral little thing,” Sawyer whispers in my ear. I feel the pressure of his hand on the small of my back through the leather jacket and my body hums to life, heat traveling through me like a live wire. I ignore it and smack his chest. “Oh, stop it. It’s just a little dog ya big baby.”
“Little dogs aren’t dogs at all. They’re an anomaly, annoying, and that one in particular is a pain in the ass.”
“Oh my god, are you serious right now? It’s a tiny dog the size of your boot, Sawyer. How big of a pain can she really be?”
“You’d be surprised.”
We walk up to the counter and I can’t help but salivate as I look over everything in the display case.
“Hey, Sawyer!” a chirpy female voice yells from the back room. My head shoots up to gauge Sawyer’s reaction to her. I can’t help but feel slightly jealous. Obviously, a man like Sawyer has been with his fair share of women by now, but it doesn’t mean I’m ready to face any of them.
“Hey, Han! My usual please, but double it.”
“Han?” I look at him quizzically.
“I’ll wait until your brain catches up.”
“Holy fuck, Han-nah? Hannah Haven?”
“There you go, baby. I knew you’d get it eventually. Took you a minute, but I’m proud of you.” He smiles at me and I smack him in the chest again with the back of my hand.
Hannah walks out with a white paper bag and places it on the counter. She’s yet to notice me. She has incredible violet-colored hair, styled in loose waves that hang right above her shoulders, and from what I can see, she’s a regular at the town’s tattoo parlor, as an intricate floral design crawls up her arm.
“Two apple cinnamon muffins! Let me make the coffee real quick.”
She turns her back to us and starts the coffee, clearly a bit distracted.
I look up at Sawyer to find him already looking down at me. My hands find each other as they start to wring together. He reaches out to pry them apart and takes one in his.
“Your usual?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“Since when do you like apple cinnamon muffins?”
“Since you left.”
He leaves it at that as if that’s an adequate explanation. I continue to look up at his eyes, trying to figure him out when he leans down to whisper in my ear again, something I’m realizing he likes to do.
“And no one said I like them.”
My eyes well with tears, but before they can fall, we’re interrupted by Hannah placing our coffees on the counter.
She pauses when her eyes finally meet mine and I straighten as I greet her.
“Hi, Hannah.” I give her a soft half-smile, still unsure how I’ll be welcomed back in this town. Aspen Ridge is small. Usually, if you hurt one person, you hurt the lot of them.
“Ivy?” Her mouth drops open a bit as she looks to Sawyer for confirmation.
“It’s really her, Han. Got here yesterday. She’s staying with me for a bit. We’re trying to keep it on the down-low, though.”
“Oh my god. It’s really you.”
“Mumma!” a little girl squeals as she patters out from the back room and reaches up for Hannah.
“Mumma? Oh my god, Hannah. You had a baby?”
“A lot has changed around here since you left.”
She bends down and scoops up her little girl. My heart melts. She’s young, her hair falls around her face in wild, kinky curls. She is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
“This is Charlotte, but we call her Charlie. She just turned three.”
“Congratulations, Hannah. She is so beautiful. So is this place,” I say as I look around. “Was this all you?”
“It was. Well, me and Liam. He helped so much and did most of the work to save me money. I love it.”
“It’s gorgeous. I love the entire boho vibe you’ve got going.”
“Thanks.”
Feeling awkward, I look up at Sawyer and give his hand a tight squeeze while I shift on my feet. He gets my hint quickly.
“Alright, Han. Good seeing you and the little one. We’re gonna get going.”
“It was good to see you again, Hannah. Thank you for the muffins and coffee.”
Sawyer drops cash on the counter and reaches forward to squeeze Charlotte’s foot playfully.
“Bye, squirt.”
She pulls her thumb from her mouth and waves at him.
My ovaries explode.
Sawyer leads me out of Bean Haven where we’re greeted by Winnie growling at him. This time, a laugh bursts free from my chest. I grab hold of Sawyer’s forearm to stay upright while I laugh at him. This dog really dislikes him.
“For fuck’s sake. Can we not do this every single time? Please pull Minnie’s teeth from my pants.”
“It’s WINNIE!” Ms. Nettie and I both yell in unison. I fall into another fit of laughter. “I always did like you, Ivy Turner.”
“Likewise, Ms. Nettie.”
Sawyer pulls me down the sidewalk as I hold on to him. He drags me into a narrow alley between two buildings and pushes me against the wall. I sober quickly and take him in. The huge smile on his face reaches his eyes, they squint slightly, crinkling at the corners, and that damn smile makes me weak in the knees. I can’t help but smile back. His palm snakes under the jacket I’m wearing and rests against the front of my hip. I can feel his thumb shift back and forth over my jeans.
“God, I’ve missed you.” His voice is huskier, deeper, and passionate. The words are backed by the way he said them, full of conviction.
The mood shifts, the air around us thickening.
“I missed you too,” I reply honestly.
“Did you think of me?”
“All the time. Did you think of me?”
“Every. Fucking. Day.” He punctuates every word.
His eyes glance down to my lips just as my tongue peeks out to wet them. He watches as my tongue swipes across and I pull my bottom one between my teeth. We’re standing so close that the rapid rise and fall of my chest brushes my breasts against him. His hand leaves my hip and comes up to slide against my face. I lean into it and close my eyes. His thumb moves across my lips before pulling my bottom lip free.
I look up at him as his head starts to lean down to mine.
Holy shit he’s going to kiss me.
And I want him to.
I want to feel him again.
He inches closer, giving me plenty of time to back out. I close my eyes and wait for the feel of his lips on mine.
My traitorous bitch of a body chooses that moment to make a god-awful loud rumble from my stomach that doesn’t go unnoticed in the quiet alley. He drops his forehead down to mine as we both laugh.
“Oh my god! I told you I was fucking hungry, Sawyer! Now feed me that damn muffin!”
“Let’s get you fed, baby.”
We sit down in the little alley, squeezed together, away from prying eyes, Sawyer looking very out of place squashed between the two brick walls.
My first bite of the warm apple cinnamon muffin is euphoric, the flavors bursting on my tongue.
“Ohmygodsogood.”
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”
I take an unladylike large second bite and savor the flavors of warm, crisp apples, cinnamon, and yummy streusel topping.
“This is better than sex. Holy fuck.”
Sawyer snorts.
“You’re doing it wrong then.”
I gasp and inhale bits of muffin, coughing and choking on brown sugar.
“Jesus, are you okay?” He pushes my coffee toward me as I hack up a lung. Real fucking cute, Ivy.
“Fine. I’m fine.”
We eat in silence for a few moments, me enjoying every mouthful of my muffin while Sawyer scarfs his in two large bites.
“Did you even taste it?”
“Tried not to.”
“Why on earth are you eating them if you don’t like them?” Finally asking the question I’ve been dying to hear the answer to.
“You know why, Ivy.”
“I don’t know if I do . . .” I don’t understand it at least. I don’t understand what would possess him to do it. Or why. I wait and study his face. His hand rubs aimlessly across his beard and my hands itch to knock it out of the way and feel the short facial hair against my own palm and fingers.
“They were always your favorite. I went in one day with Liam and when I went to order, that’s what I asked for.”
“My favorite muffins? That you actually hate.”
“Yep. It was a piece of you that was left behind that I got to have anytime I wanted.”
I let that sit in the air between us. It’s been ten years since we’ve seen each other. This man never forgot about me and did everything he could to make sure he never did.
“So, Charlotte. Liam’s right?” Changing the subject to a safer one seems like the best idea at the moment.
“No, actually.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah. It was a bit of a shock to everyone. The dad is an asshole and he and I don’t get along. Liam has never left Hannah’s side, though. They’re still best friends and he loves that little girl fiercely.”
“That’s really sweet, and I’m not surprised, actually. Liam was always a good one. That has to be hard on Hannah, though. But my god is she the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Surprised you didn’t settle down. You used to talk about being a mom.”
“Well, my life didn’t turn out the way I thought it would have back when we were together. And I know that’s my fault. To be honest, I didn’t really date. I mean, I dated a little, but there was no way I would have had a baby with the last asshole.”
“I’m sorry, Iv.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
Sawyer just nods his head as he sips his coffee.
“How’s the rest of the Hayes brood?”
“Kins just graduated from college and is teaching kindergarten now. She loves it. And me and the boys are all running the distillery together.”
“No fucking way! Sawyer!”
“Don’t get too excited. It was way earlier than I expected. My dad had a stroke, and he really struggles with communication. He’s still up and living his life, but running a business this large was too much stress. I took over as CEO recently, Dallas and I work hand in hand, Liam works the actual creation and quality part, and Carter works branding, PR, and relations. It works until it doesn’t, but we get through it.”
“I’m sorry about your dad. That’s hard. I always adored your parents.”
He looks at me then, but doesn’t say anything back. I suppose there isn’t much to say. I’m sure his parents hate me for hurting their son the way that I did. Deciding to change the topic again, I break the silence.
“You and the boys still beating the shit out of each other in the ring?”
“We’ll be doing that until we’re old and wrinkly.”
“Ha. I’d love to see that now that you’re all older.”
“I’ll make sure you get an invite next time. Actually, it would do you some good to get in the ring and get some of that anger and frustration out.”
I think it over for a moment. I definitely have some rage that needs to be expelled. There was a huge part of me that actually wanted to beat the shit out of Brooks with the lamp, and was disappointed that I hadn’t when given the opportunity to potentially get away with it.
“That’s not the worst idea you’ve ever had. Running definitely works as a stress reliever, but punching the shit out of something or someone sounds freaking delightful. Actually, you know what? Yes. Yes please. I want to do that! Soon. Can we do that?” My voice climbs higher and higher the more excited I get.
“Settle down, you violent little thing. Yes, I’ll take you to punch something. But with all those emotions throttling you right now, I don’t think punching someone is the best idea.”
I laugh and settle down further against the brick wall, my ass on the dirty pavement, squished in front of Sawyer as we finish our coffees in the quiet of the tiny alley off of Main Street.
I feel at peace.