Chapter 12
TWELVE
SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
“You’re doing it again.”
Wade shifted his arm away from my shoulders and sat back in the red vinyl booth. The arcade downtown was a relic, a staple of the community since the sixties. Usually, I loved coming here with Wade. We’d play for hours, spending all the quarters we could find, and then split a plate of disco fries before heading home.
But tonight, what had started as a typical Saturday had shifted into a double date, and everything had felt off since we walked through the door. And the worst part? I only had myself to blame.
I could feel Wade’s annoyance at my side. Despite an inner urge to soothe his worries, I couldn’t bring myself to focus on him, too consumed with watching my best friend and little sister playing a game of air hockey across the arcade. With one smooth move, Calla sank the puck into Gray’s goal and let out a loud whoop of victory. He moved to the other side of the table in three strides, pulling her up into his arms. Despite losing, he looked like he was having the time of his life .
Which was the complete opposite of how my evening was going.
“You’ve been watching them all night.”
I shook my head, forcing myself to look back at my boyfriend. Wade and I made things official at the end of last summer, and despite spending most of the year apart, our relationship continued through the school year. It was easy being with Wade. He was funny and kind, and he made me feel special in a way I hadn’t experienced before. But ever since I came back into town, something had felt off between us, and despite our best efforts to ignore it, it was continuing to grow.
Even tonight, when I should have been focused on him and enjoying our time together, I was too busy worrying about Gray and Calla to give him much thought.
I gave him my best fake smile and tucked my hand into his. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to keep an eye on Calla.”
“Right,” he scoffed, pulling his hand away. He paused, letting out a long exhale before meeting my eyes again. “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Devy.”
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped, hating how it sounded coming from his lips. It sounded juvenile, like he was talking to a child instead of his girlfriend.
“That’s exactly the point.” He nodded across the arcade again, where Calla and Gray had moved to a new game. “You have no problem when he calls you Devy, but when I do it? You hate it.”
“It’s our thing,” I tried to explain, but the words felt hollow. He was right; Gray was the only one I let call me that. And because he was the one who started it, it felt like it was something special between us, something Wade couldn’t replicate, no matter how hard he tried.
“And that’s the problem, Devyn.” Wade sighed. “When we first started hanging out, I thought I could handle the whole you and Gray thing. I knew I’d never be your first choice, but I was here, and I liked you, wanted to give you the world.” He shook his head, “But it’s never going to be enough, not while Gray’s around.”
“He’s my best friend,” I bit out defensively. “I’ve told you that so many times.”
“I keep waiting for you to really mean it,” Wade bit back. As if taken aback by his tone, he sank back in his seat and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Devyn, but I want to be with someone who sees me , who puts me first. Maybe you’re just friends with Gray, but he’s always going to come first. No one else has a chance.”
“He’s my best friend,” I repeated, but this time, my words were weak, lacking the force I usually put behind them. That simple label would never be enough to describe our relationship. Yes, Gray was my best friend, but he was also so much more. He was the voice in the back of my mind, the person I turned to whenever my world got too heavy. He was the first person I’d call with good news, bad news, and everything in between.
And while I loved him as a friend, there was a part of me that wanted so much more. For a long time, I could pretend it was nothing more than a crush. Objectively speaking, Gray was one of the most attractive guys I’d ever met. Of course, I’d notice that. But lately, it had shifted, no longer feeling so innocent. This light-hearted crush was harder to ignore, shifting from a slight ripple to a tidal wave, threatening to pull me under whenever we were in the same room.
Guilt threatened to consume me, and I hated myself for letting myself get carried away. Not only did I have a boyfriend I cared about, but Gray was officially dating Calla now. She’d come to me months ago and said they had gotten close, wanted to know if I’d be okay if they went out on a date. Of course I said yes. I just hadn’t expected it to feel like my heart was being ripped out whenever I saw them together.
I looked down at my hands, toying with the small silver ring on my thumb. “I’m sorry, Wade. I never meant to hurt you.”
He smiled sadly at me. “I know, Devy. I was willing to fight for you when I thought there was a chance, but there isn’t, is there?”
I stared into his hurt expression, wishing more than anything I could give him what he wanted. Wade was a good guy—one of the best—the kind of guy I should want to be with, the kind who looked perfect on paper.
But there was no spark between us, nothing like the fever that overcame me every time Gray smiled in my direction. While Wade made me feel safe and comforted, Gray set my whole soul on fire. As much as I wanted to settle for less than that, I knew I couldn’t.
“That’s what I thought. I’m going to head out.” Wade stood and turned to leave before looking back at me. “You should talk to him about this, Devyn. Think he’d want to know.” He chuckled dryly to himself. “And now that we’re broken up, maybe he’ll stop trying to kick my ass.”
I stared at him. “Why would he do that?”
“We both know the answer to that,” Wade chuckled. He squeezed my shoulder. “Tell him, Devyn. Before it’s too late.”
As Wade walked out of the arcade, I sat back in the booth, dragging my hands over my face as a ringing echoed in my ears. The rest of the arcade faded away, leaving me alone with my racing pulse. That was it. Wade and I were over. And even though I knew it was coming, that it was best for both of us, I still hated this lingering ache in my chest. It wasn’t quite heartbreak—not that I knew what that felt like—but it was more like guilt, guilt for hurting someone I cared about, even if I never meant to.
I pushed a breath through my lips, forcing myself to sit up before anyone noticed me. In a place this small, gossip always traveled fast, and I didn’t want to be the talk of the town over breakfast tomorrow.
As I grabbed my purse and ran my fingers under my dry eyes, I felt something else slide in next to my guilt. Relief. God, did that make me a shitty person? That I was almost relieved my relationship was over when I should have been devastated?
My relief had nothing to do with Wade. He wasn’t a bad guy, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fall for him. I didn’t think I’d ever forget his face when he told me he loved me for the first time and I couldn’t say it back. I should have loved him. Wade said everything right and did all the right things. But no matter how much I cared about him, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
I looked over my shoulder, watching Calla and Gray joke as they moved between games. They had an ease between them, one Wade and I never seemed to have, even when we were good. That was what they both deserved. My sister was the kindest person I’d ever met. She deserved to be loved by someone like Gray—two people who loved with their whole chest, unlike me.
That last thought struck a bolt of pain in my chest; I was unsure if I’d ever be able to love someone like that. I had barely said the words to anyone but Calla in years, unable to bring myself to open up. Not when my life was surrounded by people who always wanted something from me, who wanted to shape me in their image. Maybe it was a side effect of my mother’s toxic, loveless marriage. Watching her wither away in David’s shadow had already jaded me to most relationships, but maybe I’d sealed my heart off more than I thought.
With one last look at my sister smiling brightly at Gray, I turned to the door, needing to get away from here. I couldn’t go home, not while David was staying at the hotel for the weekend. It was hard enough living with him during the school year, but these summer months were supposed to be our safe place. Now, he’d invaded it, making himself all too comfortable in our home.
I forced the thought out of my head, deciding I’d head down to the beach for a couple of hours. There was a great view of the stars over the lake, and it always made me feel better when I could stare out at the open sky like I could be anywhere else in the world for a moment.
However, when I placed my hand on the exit, someone lightly grabbed my elbow and turned me around. Gray met my eyes, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Where are you going, Ace?”
“Home,” I sighed, not willing to tell him my plan. “I’m ready to call it a night.”
Gray kept staring at me, the crease in his forehead only deepening. “It’s not even nine.”
“That’s late.”
“Coming from the girl who never closes her eyes before midnight?” He shook his head as he stepped back. “I’m not buying it. Did you and Wade have a fight?”
“You could say that,” I chuckled, rubbing my arm where his hand just sat. “We, uh, we broke up.”
Gray’s eyes flickered with some unknown emotion, and he swallowed before choosing his next words. “Are you okay?”
“Does it make me a bad person if I say yes?” I played with the strap of my purse. “Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet, but I’m actually doing okay.”
Gray stared at me for so long, I started to squirm. Usually, he couldn’t get under my skin, and I’d match his intensity with my own. But tonight, I already felt too raw, like the weight of my secrets was threatening to tear me apart, and with Gray staring at me like that, it made my mind wander, wondering if I should follow Wade’s advice and tell Gray how I felt.
But before I could make up my mind, Gray pushed the door open behind me. “Then c’mon, Ace. Let’s go for a ride.”
“Where’s Calla?”
He jutted his chin out behind us. I turned and found my sister in a large group of girls, laughing as they started up the old dance game. “A bunch of the camp counselors were coming to celebrate the end of the first session. She’s going to hang with them tonight.” He walked outside and held the door open for me. “So let’s get out of here, Ace. Just me and you.”
“How are you so good at that?”
Standing on the edge of the lake, I watched as Gray tossed his rock with surprising ease. The thing skipped almost four times before dropping down into the water. I glared down at the stone in my hand. No matter how many times Gray tried to show me what to do, I couldn’t make it move like him .
Gray smirked at me over his shoulder. “Maybe it’s from all those drills Coach made us run last week. He’s been on my ass about pitching and trying different styles.”
He moved to the edge of the woods and called me over to join him on a fallen log. I loved this place, this secret cove that seemed to belong just to the two of us. During the summer, tourists invade our beaches at all hours of the day. While the town needed their patronage to survive the winter months, it was sometimes hard to deal with, especially on nights like this, when I just wanted to clear my head away from the rest of the world.
Gray waited until I sat down at his side, then stretched out his arms behind us, leaning back so his head dropped between his shoulders. He’d already yawned a couple of times, exhausted from his early morning practices.
I stared at him, noting the dark circles lurking under his eyes. But despite his exhaustion, a small smile played at the corner of his lips. “How are you liking it?” I asked as I fidgeted with my bracelet.
This past year, Gray had become the breakout star of the high school baseball team. I wasn’t surprised, not with his talent and work ethic. He spent almost every single day training to better his skills. But when this past season started, the coach decided to switch him from third base to the pitcher’s mound. When he first made the change, Gray hated it but trusted his coach to do what was right.
It turned out, it was the right call. Gray was a natural on the mound, having near-perfect control of the ball. College scouts had already been asking about him, offering all sorts of incentives to get him to visit their schools. He’d put them off this summer, enrolling in a pitching clinic instead, but it would be coming up soon, with only two more years until graduation. The thought instantly made my hands tighten into fists. I tried not to think too much about how our lives would be going in different directions soon, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“It’s getting better,” Gray eventually admitted. “It’s a lot of pressure, but I think I like that.” He kicked the rocks at his feet then turned to study my face. “We gonna talk about baseball all night, or are you going to tell me what happened with Wade?”
I furrowed my brows as I shifted to face the water. I couldn’t talk to Gray about this, not yet. Not when my mind was already so jumbled and I had no idea how to unravel it. So instead, I tried to play it cool. I shrugged. “I told you. We broke up.”
Gray let out a half-hearted chuckle. “Yeah, Ace, I got that. I meant more about why you broke up.”
“It just wasn’t working,” I said, unable to look at Gray. “He wanted us to get more serious, and I wasn’t ready for that.”
“What do you mean?”
Gray’s tone forced my eyes up to meet his. There was a dark storm in his expression, and if it was anyone else, I would have been terrified.
“Gray?”
“Did he try…” He shook his head and clenched his jaw. “Was he pressuring you?—”
“Oh God, no!” I said, forcing out an awkward laugh. “Nothing like that. I meant emotionally. He told me he loved me…” My voice trailed off, realizing I’d already told Gray more than I meant to. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened that night. It was already hard enough, knowing I’d hurt Wade so badly. The last thing I wanted wa s for anyone else to know about it. But I trusted Gray, more than I trusted anyone else in this world. I needed to talk it out before my self-loathing became a permanent scar. I sighed as I turned back toward the water. “Do you think I’m capable of it?”
“Of loving someone?”
I nodded, feeling that familiar prickle in the back of my throat. I closed my eyes, soaking in the night breeze and the sound of the water rippling along the shore. “I think there’s something wrong with me. No matter how much I wanted to say the words, they wouldn’t come. I haven’t said them to anyone, not in a long time. I don’t know if I even can.”
But before I could spiral further, Gray took my arm and turned me until I faced him. His hand fell to my cheek, brushing away the one lone tear that managed to escape. “You’re more than capable of loving someone, Ace. It just needs to be the right person.”
I shook my head. “It’s easy to say that?—”
But Gray cut me off, shifting his fingers to my chin and lifting it so I was forced to meet his eyes. “Maybe you don’t see it, but I do. You are the most loving person I’ve ever met. Maybe you don’t say it with your words, but I see it in your actions every single day. With your sisters, with your friends.” He swallowed. “With me. You protect your heart, Ace. You don’t give pieces of it away easily, but once you do, you’re in for life.”
I bit my lip to keep from crying. I’d never heard someone describe me like that, never had someone see me so clearly. The rest of the people in my life seemed to pass over me, always believing what I projected on the outside. With the exception of Calla, no one made the effort to see past my prickly exterior, never made the effort to really get to know me.
But in just a few words, Gray proved he knew me better than anyone else. And to see he not only noticed it but appreciated me, exactly how I was? It broke the last wall around my heart.
I loved him.
The words rushed out in my mind, as if they couldn’t hold back for another moment. This wasn’t a crush. This wasn’t a weak moment. I was irrevocably in love with my best friend. That was why I could never say it to Wade, why it felt like a kick in the teeth every time I saw him with Calla.
I was head over heels in love with Grayson Anders.
There the words were, right on the tip of my tongue, practically begging me to tell him. But before I could let my emotions get the best of me, Gray’s phone rang. He searched my expression, as if waiting for me to say something. But once I dropped my eyes, he let me go and stepped away.
He clenched his jaw as he looked at the screen. “It’s Calla. I promised her I’d give her a ride home.”
That poured icy water through my racing heart.
While I might have been in love with Gray, he wasn’t mine to love. He was with someone—my sister, of all people. I’d spent my life trying to protect my little sister. I refused to be the cause of any of her pain.
No. I couldn’t tell Gray, not when my feelings could destroy not only our friendship, but also my relationship with Calla.
As Gray started to say something, I jumped off the log and started walking back toward town. I wrapped my arms around my middle, trying to push down the nausea rushing through me. “You should go.”
“No,” Gray insisted as he chased me further down the beach. “I’m not leaving you here by yourself. It’s late, it’s dark. I can give you a ride home too.”
“It’s fine,” I said, keeping my back to him. “I’m not ready to call it a night, and I want to walk. Besides, you know nothing ever happens in this town. I’ll be safe, I promise.”
He grabbed my hand, the touch electrifying. Sparks traveled through my veins, igniting me like never before. I’d spent months with Wade, and it had never been like this, like a simple touch had the power to consume me.
But he wasn’t mine to claim.
Reluctantly, I released his hand, swallowing down the pain with each step. “I mean it, Gray. I promise, I’m okay. You really should go and make sure Calla gets home okay.”
Gray stood there, still staring at his open palm.
“Devyn, I?—”
I held up my hand, cutting him off. No matter what Gray wanted to say right now, it had to wait. “Go. I know the way from here.” He stared at me for a long moment, as if trying to read the lie in my words. But I blocked them before iron-enforced walls, refusing to let him see how much this was killing me. “I promise, I’ll be safe. If anything happens, you’ll be my first call.”
“Promise me, Devy.”
“I promise, Grayson.” I tilted my head toward his truck. “Go.”
With a long sigh, Gray eventually nodded, walking up the rocky shore toward his truck. It hurt to watch him walk away, worse than when Wade broke up with me. Maybe I was a bit of a masochist, though, because before Gray could climb into the driver’s seat, I called out to him. “Hey, Gray?” He paused and looked back at me. “Thank you. Not only for being here, but for what you said. It…it means a lot to me.”
He smiled, and I could feel it all the way down to my toes. “Always, Ace.”