Chapter 22
The same abstract art on the walls, the same white-noise machine humming by the door, the same slightly-too-soft couch that made it hard to sit up straight.
Of course none of it would have changed.
But Janie could, and she had, or at least, she was changing.
And other things had changed since their last session. Like her relationship with her wife.
It’d been five days since everything had shifted between them.
Sunday had been a beautiful day with the triplets, giving Janie the chance to re-establish her connection with the girls too.
Monday and Tuesday had been crazy at work as even more authors added their names and works to the class-action suit.
She’d worked so late that she’d stayed at her apartment both nights, but she and Hannah had texted constantly through the days and talked on the phone for a couple of hours before bed.
Work had been a convenient excuse to give Janie a little distance after the emotional maelstrom of the weekend.
She wanted to be sure she really was ready to go home.
Janie glanced at Hannah sitting beside her, flicking through a gallery of car restoration photos, and touched her leg.
Hannah looked up at her immediately. “Sorry. Woody wanted me to send some of my pics for the garage website.” She dropped her phone in her lap. “Are you okay?”
Janie nodded. “I was thinking about how things have changed in the last week.”
Hannah took Janie’s hand and traced circles on the back of it with her thumb. “Good changes?” she asked, not meeting Janie’s eyes.
“Good changes.” She tipped Hannah’s chin up with her fingertip. “Are you doubting us?”
“God, no.” Hannah grasped Janie’s hand. “I’m just hoping you’re happy.”
The door to Rae’s office opened, and Rae came out with her usual warm smile and kind eyes, radiating that air of patient empathy that had made Janie feel safe enough to start opening up in the first place.
She’d been reluctant to take Rosie’s referral, but now she couldn’t imagine seeing anyone else.
“Janie, Hannah. Come on in.”
She and Hannah settled on their usual couch, and Janie held tight to Hannah’s hand, not because she was anxious, but because she could. And because Hannah wanted her to.
Rae settled into her chair across from them, notepad in lap, and studied them both for a moment. “You two look different,” she said. “What’s changed since I saw you last week?”
Janie glanced at Hannah, who gave her an encouraging nod. “We did the ten things homework,” she said. “And we went on our date.”
“How did those things go?”
“The ten things was...” Tears prickled Janie’s eyes. “It was really good, and it was a timely reminder of why we fell in love in the first place.”
“And the date?” Rae asked.
“We went to Pilsen,” Hannah said. “We walked around for a while and looked at the street art.” She glanced at Janie and smiled. “Janie took me to meet Maria, the woman who’s been helping her.”
“That’s significant.” Rae nodded and made notes. “Janie, how did it feel introducing Hannah to someone who’s been important to your support system?”
Janie nibbled on her lip for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to express that.
“I was conflicted,” she said, touching Hannah’s thigh when she frowned slightly.
“I met Maria moments after I left Hannah, the day after the ER incident. It was quite surreal, but looking back, it kind of feels like fate. Maria became the one person I could talk to when I’d shut out everyone else.
I wanted Hannah to meet her. But I was worried that the new part of my life wouldn’t be able to co-exist with my family life. ”
“Worried in what way?” Rae asked.
“That Hannah might not like Maria. Or vice versa.” Janie fiddled with a stray piece of hair, unable to look at Hannah in case there was hurt in her eyes.
“Hannah has her ex-Army buddies, and she’s had them for a long time, but…
” She swallowed, fearing the possible judgment.
“I’ve never really had friends like that, not people I can count on to be there, whenever and however I need them.
Maria’s friendship feels magical, and nourishing, and supportive in a way I could never have imagined. ”
Rae stopped writing. “And you don’t want to lose that now that you’ve had it?”
Janie shook her head. “Hence my concern.”
“And was it warranted?” Rae asked.
“I don’t think so,” Janie said and met Hannah’s gaze again. “Was it?”
“No.” Hannah touched Janie’s cheek gently. “I thought Maria was nice. And even if I hadn’t, I would never want you to stop seeing someone who meant so much to you.”
The tight band around Janie’s heart eased a little. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that earlier.”
Hannah’s answering smile was easy and full of love. “It’s okay, but I don’t want you to be scared of sharing anything with me. I want you to be happy, and if Maria helps with that, I’m all in.”
“Thank you,” Janie said.
Rae scribbled some more then looked up again. “And what happened after you met Maria?”
Heat zipped up Janie’s spine and flushed her neck. “I booked a hotel room, in case we wanted somewhere private to talk or...” She shrugged slightly and studied the delicate painting above Rae’s desk. “We reconnected.”
Hannah gave a low chuckle. “Really reconnected.”
Rae smiled. “And how was that?”
“Intense,” Janie said. “Emotional. But also a little bit scary. Like we’ve opened the door that leads to us again, and now we have to figure out how to walk through it without falling back into old patterns.”
“What old patterns are you worried about?” Rae asked.
“Me disappearing into the girls and making Janie invisible,” Hannah said immediately. “And seeing Janie just as their mother and forgetting she’s my wife, a person, with her own needs beyond those of the family.”
“I don’t want to stop being honest when I’m struggling.” Janie gripped Hannah’s hand again. “I want to stop trying to be perfect and just be real. That’s a hang-up from my parents, but it’s one I’m finding it tough to let go of.”
“They’re important patterns to be aware of,” Rae said. “And the awareness itself is a huge step. What are you going to do differently this time?”
“We’re going to check in more.” Hannah half turned to Janie and took both her hands. “And try to talk about what we need instead of assuming the other person knows.”
“I’m going to be more honest about when I’m having a bad day,” Janie said. “I’m going to try not to hide it and pretend everything’s fine. I went to the doctor you recommended last week and got a prescription for antidepressants.”
“That’s a significant step.” Rae made a note. “How do you feel about that decision?”
Janie sighed deeply. “More conflict, honestly. It feels like I’m admitting defeat or something, and I’m worried it won’t fix anything.
But Maria told me about a friend who took them, and they worked really well, so I guess I’m also a little relieved that I might not have to white-knuckle through every day anymore. ”
“Taking medication for depression isn’t defeat,” Rae said gently. “It’s recognizing that you have a medical condition that responds to medical treatment. You wouldn’t refuse insulin if you were diabetic, would you?”
“No, of course not.” The two examples seemed like opposite ends of the scale, but that kind of thinking wasn’t going to help.
“And we’re going to make time for just us,” Hannah said. “We’ll keep having a date every week. We’ve got Carmen now, and she’s working out great, so that makes it easier for us to be together on our own.”
“All of that sounds excellent.” Rae nodded encouragingly. “So where are you two at now? Logistically, I mean. Janie, are you still at the apartment?”
Janie nodded. “But we want to talk about me being home more.”
“How often are we talking?” Rae asked.
Hannah bounced in her chair. “I was thinking maybe every other night. That gives Janie a few nights at her apartment if she needs space, but it also lets us build a routine together.”
Rae focused on Janie. “How does that feel to you?”
“I think that’ll work well. I want to be with Hannah and the girls, and I want to go home. But I also don’t want to rush back into something and have it fall apart again.”
“That’s very self-aware too.” Rae looked between them. “What about Hannah’s father? Is he still living with you?”
“Yeah, but we’ve been talking about that.
” Hannah placed her hand on Janie’s thigh.
“We have a big backyard, and there’s side access to the property.
We’re thinking about building him a tiny house back there.
That’ll give him his own space, but he’ll still be close enough to see the girls regularly. ”
“And how do you feel about that, Janie?”
“I like it,” Janie said. “I mean, Tom’s been great.
He’s been really supportive at a time when Hannah needed him most. He didn’t hesitate to upend his whole life to help.
But having the house to ourselves feels better to me.
Tom still gets to be close to his granddaughters, and they get to see him every day, but we get our house to ourselves again. ”
“That sounds like a creative solution that respects everyone’s needs,” Rae said. “When would you staying over more regularly start?”
“Tonight?” Hannah looked at Janie hopefully. “If you’re ready?”
“I don’t have a bag with me.” Janie’s heart raced, but Hannah’s tender expression quieted her anxiety. “But I could swing by the apartment and pick some stuff up. I’ll have to work for a while after the girls have gone to bed.”
“That’s okay. I understand,” Hannah said, her voice gentle. “But tonight, just come home. Please.”
Tears threatened to spill over again as Janie nodded. “I will.”