Chapter 10
TEN
“And then I touched her, and…”
My voice trailed off, and I was unsure how to even finish the thought. How could I explain that touching the one person I shouldn’t be touching felt like the first thing I’d done right in months?
I stared up at the clock on the wall, watching as the seconds ticked by. Over these past few months, I’d spent a lot of time analyzing each of the wood-sculpted elements. The trees and animals were familiar friends, and my eyes tended to drift whenever I was stumbling through my own feelings.
“Adam?” Dr. Kedir asked, breaking me out of my stare-down.
“Sorry,” I muttered, squeezing my brow between my forefingers. “Honestly, I don’t know what’s happening there. I keep telling myself to stay away, but every time Victoria’s in the room, I feel this need to check in on her, to be close to her. It’s the last thing I should be thinking about right now.”
“And why is that? ”
I looked up at Dr. Kedir, letting annoyance show in my expression. This was a game we’d played for months, ever since I stumbled into her office on a lonely Monday, hoping she could fix what was broken inside me. I wanted a quick solution, instant gratification to subjugate the lingering fear. But she just chuckled, telling me therapy was a marathon, not a sprint. She was willing to help me, but I had to want to put in the work and commit to coming to her office at least once a week.
I left without any intention of returning.
But after almost suffering a panic attack at the sight of mail on the counter, I returned, knowing that if I didn’t start to work through my traumas, I’d never get back to my old life.
Instead of answering her question, I sighed, crossing my arms as I leaned back on the pale green velvet couch. Dr. Kedir’s office felt like it was plucked from the pages of a storybook, all her furniture antique pieces with a certain level of uniqueness. The room was covered in a pale pink wallpaper, birds and tree branches filling almost every inch. It matched the woman in front of me. Probably in her mid-fifties, Dr. Kedir always seemed like she’d be more at home in a garden or farmer’s market than in the confines of her office. More than once, she suggested we meet outside to help clear our energies.
Despite our different dispositions, she was smart and insightful. She managed to cut through my bullshit pretty quickly. It only took her fifteen minutes to see I was hiding things, that I was more comfortable with things on the surface, not daring to dive in deeper.
She shifted her long, dark box braids over her shoulder, offering an understanding smile. I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my smirk. She already knew the answer, just waiting for me to voice it out loud. “Because I’m attracted to her, but it’s too complicated to act on it.”
“Why?”
“I’m really starting to hate that word,” I groaned. “Because Cole is my best friend, and if I tried anything with his little sister, he’d kill me.”
She hummed, tapping her pen on her ever-present notepad. “You’ve talked a lot about your relationship with Cole. You seem to be focusing more on how this would affect him, but you haven't said how this might affect you.”
“What about me?”
“Are there any other reasons why you’re not pursuing…”
“Victoria.”
“Victoria,” she said, as if reading something in how I said her name. Knowing Dr. Kedir, she probably was. “Worst-case scenario—what would happen if you decided to pursue her?”
“She could get hurt,” I answered quickly, pushing the words out before I could take them back. But as soon as I spoke them out loud, I laughed at myself. “This conversation is ridiculous. She’s leaving in a few days, so it’s not like anything could happen even if I wanted it to. Besides, I barely know Tori anymore. I don’t even know why we’re talking about her.”
“You brought her up, Adam,” she chuckled.
“So?”
“So you know why we’re talking about her. You’re trying to talk yourself out of this attraction, and you’re hoping I’ll back you up.”
“But you won’t?”
“Not in the way you hope.” She leaned forward, leaning her elbows on her knees. “Only you can decide how you want to proceed. There will always be reasons not to put yourself out there. Fear can?—”
“I’m not afraid.”
“I beg to differ,” she said. “I think you’re frightened this girl has already gotten under your skin. And that if you’re not careful, you will be the one nursing a broken heart when she goes back home.”
“Careful, Doc,” I chuckled. “You know I have a fragile ego.”
No smile graced her lips. Instead, she kept staring at me, waiting for me to drop the cavalier act. I groaned, dropping my head to the back of the couch. “Fine, yes, I don’t want to get hurt either, but that’s not what’s holding me back. I meant what I said. She’s Cole’s little sister, and if I hurt her, he’d never forgive me. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”
“But why is that a foregone conclusion? Why is the only option that you’re going to hurt her?”
“You know my reputation, Doc.”
“I know the one you hide behind, who the media portrays you to be.” She shook her head. “But that is not the man who shows up here every week, the one who constantly worries if he’s doing enough to support the people around him.”
My face fell, and I dropped my gaze to my hands. Supporting my friends was easy. Ignoring the critics who analyzed my every move was a much more complex task. As much as I tried, their words got to me, especially when it was parts of my past I was already ashamed of.
“I’m not ready to go there yet,” I answered quietly, still not looking up to face her. I knew if I saw a flicker of disappointment in her gaze, it would gut me alive.
“Okay, we can table that topic for another day.” She pulled her notepad back into her lap, scribbling something on the top page. I didn’t even want to know what she was thinking. “Have you received any more letters?”
My blood stilled at her words. Images of white envelopes played out in my mind, haunting my thoughts. I could still feel the crisp paper under my hands, remembering each swirl of the script. “No,” I answered honestly. “I haven’t received any since I moved up here.”
“Good,” she answered. “That has to be a tremendous weight off your shoulders.”
“Yes and no,” I said. “It’s taking some time to let my guard down. I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, just waiting for the moment they show up again.”
“That’s a natural reaction to your situation, Adam. When someone invades your life like that, it puts you in a vulnerable position.” She paused and breathed out through her nose. Over the past months, I’d gotten to know some of Dr. Kedir’s tells as well. This one meant she was about to say something I might not like. “Have you given any more thought to going to the authorities?”
“No.”
“Adam, there is no shame in your situation. Plenty of other people have dealt with stalkers?—”
“I said no,” I barked, standing up to face her fully. “I tried that route once, and it just made things worse. If I knew who was targeting me, then maybe the cops could help. But until then, they’re useless. It’s not like I can serve a restraining order on a ghost. Besides, if I make any noise up here, they’ll find me. I’m enjoying my peace, and I’m not ready to give it up just yet.”
She hummed, noting another damn thing on that fucking pad of hers. “What?” I snapped. “What do you have to say?”
She put her pen down on the end table, and I instantly stiffened. “If you would like my professional opinion, I think you are hiding, Adam.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ve stopped acting, stopped going out into the world. Before Victoria, you haven’t mentioned anyone outside of your circle of trusted friends.” She met my annoyed scowl. “I believe this situation rattled you more than you would like to admit, and you’re afraid of what will happen if you go back to your real life.”
I sunk back into the chair, hating that she could pinpoint my emotions more than I could. Because in truth, she was right. I was afraid of what would happen. For months, an unseen presence made my life a living hell, leaving letters and trinkets wherever I went. Being watched was part of the job, but this person invaded every private part of my life—took pictures inside of my home, stole things from my trailer. The nail in the coffin was when they broke into my apartment in the city, leaving behind one word marked in red paint on my wall.
Mine.
I tried to get help, but even with laws against stalking, they only came into effect if you knew the person trying to ruin your life. When I went to file a complaint, no one seemed to take the risk seriously. There were only half-hearted platitudes and promises they would try, but most of these cases went unsolved. The cops recommended I hire a security detail, which probably would have been a smart idea, but I hated the idea of giving up any more of my freedom.
No, instead, I cut and run up to Saint Stephen’s Lake, content to hide away for the rest of my days.
But was I really content? No, not really. I missed acting, missed the way it felt to step onto a set for the first time. And even though it had only been a few months since I walked away from that world, I hated that I was watching all my hard work slip through my fingers because of someone else’s actions. While I was enjoying the break from the constant hustle and pressure, this peace was wearing thin. At some point, I wanted to get back to the life I’d earned.
“We’re almost out of time,” Dr. Kedir said. “And I think this is a good stopping point for the week. Think about what I said, Adam. As for Victoria, only you can decide what the best steps would be.”
I nodded, giving her my thanks before walking out of her office. What Dr. Kedir failed to mention was one of my biggest hurdles was that I had no idea what the best steps would be. It felt like I was constantly making the wrong choices, and any mistakes could harm not only me but also those around me.
And that was a risk I wasn’t willing to take.