68. Chapter Sixty-Eight
“Why is he always moping around?” Chris asks quietly as Cole heads out of the house through the front door.
“Don’t know,” I say.
Lie.
I feel like all I do is lie to him. I hate it.
“Did he get dumped or something?”
“Yeah, actually. He did.”
I realize I shouldn’t have said that the moment the words leave my mouth. Not only because it’s info Chris shouldn’t have, but it opens up to more questions.
Chris’s eyes widen. “Shit. He was actually dating someone?”
“Something like that,” I say quickly, hoping he doesn’t ask more. Though, it also makes me wonder what he means. Actually dating someone? Is that not something Cole did regularly?
I feel Chris’s gaze still on me.
Please, just drop it. Drop it.
“Guy probably drove her crazy with how grumpy and uptight he is.”
I ignore the way my heart flips. I loved that on the outside, that’s how everyone sees Cole, but I got all the best parts of him. The soft, caring parts. The happy and smiling ones. The parts that made me fall head over heels in love with him. Parts I wish I never knew because this would all be so much easier.
“Yeah.” The word comes out raspier than it should have. “Are we going to Mila’s today?” I say, needing to change the subject.
“Nah, she’s working. She said maybe tomorrow.”
“Why do you sound so sad about that?”
“Just been thinking a lot.” He shrugs, shifting in his spot on the couch.
I grin. “About Mila?”
He huffs. “About everything. I almost died, Bry. That shit changes you.”
“Well, tell me. What’s up then? With Mila specifically.” I turn to put my back against the arm of the chair and lift my knee up so I can face him. I’m so ready to have this conversation with him.
“I don’t know. I was just wondering if maybe it was time I gave her a chance.”
“Give her a chance? What the hell does that mean?” I blurt out.
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” he mutters, bringing his attention back to the TV. He says watching for too long gives him a headache, but he hates not being able to do anything, so he watches it in spurts.
“Oh, I absolutely know you two have been in love with each other since forever, but what do you mean by giving her a chance? Isn’t she the one who won’t date you?”
He runs his hands over his face, groaning loudly. I can’t help but smirk over making him uncomfortable. But it’s about damn time I get answers on this!
“Okay, wrong choice of words. Maybe I should have said it’s about time I man the fuck up and stop worrying about everyone else and focus on my future. As in dating someone seriously.”
Oh fuck. That’s a lot deeper than I thought he was going.
“That’s why you never dated her?” I ask cautiously.
“I knew if I did, it would be a forever thing. And I wasn’t ready for that. I mean, I still feel like I’m not, but after all this? I wonder if I shouldn’t care so much about everything else.”
I think about that for a moment, wanting to choose my words wisely. What I say could alter his decision.
“I’m the worst person to come to for advice, but I know Mila cares about you a lot. But I also know you hurt her a lot too. Like, a lot, Chris. But she’s Mila. She’s understanding, and you should talk to her about it. Explain it to her. Be honest.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just stupid.” He sinks deeper into his seat.
“Love is never stupid, Chris. Never. If you want to be with Mila, you need to tell her. If she isn’t interested, at least you can say you did your part. All you can do is try.”
He grins, slapping my thigh. “And you said you’re the worst person to give advice? That sounds pretty smart to me.”
“Yeah, well. Heartbreak does that to you,” I mumble.
“Who broke your heart?”
Fuck. I did it again.
Chris being his old self makes it really difficult to not speak my mind. Before Cole, I told Chris everything. We were close. Everything happened so easily with us. We were open books with the other. I knew there was never a thing I would say that he would judge. Not until it came to Cole.
“Hold on a fucking minute,” he says.
Fuck, fuck, fuck… I try to regulate my breathing and hold his gaze. I can’t tell if he’s mad or not. Did he figure it out? Did he just—
“Don’t tell me I turned gay for you, you broke up with me, and it’s why I was mad at you?”
It’s silent for a solid three seconds before I burst into laughter. I laugh so hard I can’t breathe. I swear I’m about to pee my pants. My stomach and face hurt. When I get my laughter under control, I run to the bathroom before I actually do pee myself. When I get back to the couch, Chris is pouting.
“I’ll take that as a no,” he mutters.
“Definitely not.” I wipe my eyes that are still brimmed with tears of laughter.
“You say that like you’re not a great catch.” I shake my head and he raises his brow. “So you’re saying I’m not?”
I laugh again. This time it’s more controllable. “Jesus, Chris. Will you stop? You’re going to kill me.”
“Whatever,” he mutters. “For the record, I’d be lucky to have you as a boyfriend. And you’d be lucky to have me! If only I liked dick, we’d be the perfect couple.”
I pat his leg. “Of course we would be, baby.” I wink at him.
He gags and shoves me off him. “I could never. Cum is gross.”
I roll my eyes. “So you’ve said.”
“We’ve had this conversation before?”
“Yes, actually. Sort of. In different words.”
“Gross. But also, for the record, it would be my dick in your mouth. There’s no way I’m bottoming.”
I huff out a disbelieving laugh. “For the record, those who top don’t refrain from sucking dick.”
“Well, I would.”
“Because you’re not gay!”
We stare at each other, then both start laughing again.
Fuck, this feels so damn good.
Cole gets home around four and starts on dinner. He spends over an hour in there cooking. When it’s done, he calls us in to eat, and we have dinner together like it’s normal. We chat about Cole’s day. He asks us what we spent the day doing. Chris and Cole talk with each other the way they used to, and it makes me so happy to see.
Cole has what he wants. He has his son back. It sucks it was at the expense of our hearts, and that it was so traumatic for everyone, but they can move forward now. Things can go back the way they were for them, and I’ll go back to Boston and that will be that.
At night, I can’t sleep. So I go for a swim. It’s hot out, but it won’t be for much longer. Fall will come soon, and with it, the cold. The pool is refreshing and keeps my mind occupied. It’s late when I get out, but I’m still not tired. So I sit on the patio and stare out at the clear sky. I spend so long staring at the stars, just marveling. Counting them. Trying to recall the names of the different constellations that I learned fifteen years ago. Hell if I remember any of them.
It’s relaxing being here. You don’t get to see the sky like this in Boston. Too much light pollution. It feels almost normal sitting here. I’ve spent so much of my life at this house, in this very backyard.
But it’s all fake now.
We’re lying to Chris by not being honest with him. By not letting him know what we did. And we’re lying to each other by acting like we don’t want to be together. It sucks. It all fucking sucks. Because no matter what we do, someone gets hurt. Someone suffers.
I pull out my phone and text Mila.
Me: Are you avoiding Chris?
It doesn’t take her long to get back to me.
Mila: Is it obvious?
Me: To me it is.
Mila: I’m a horrible person! I just don’t know how to face him after everything.
Me: You’re not a horrible person. And trust me, I get it. I’m living it.
Mila: I’m so sorry, Bry. I want to see him, really I do, I’m just not ready to face him yet.
Me: Well, just so you know, I think he’ll be reaching out to you more often.
Mila: Why? What did you say??
Me: I didn’t say anything lol It’s just him. He almost died, and he’s trying to make different decisions now that he has a second chance.
Mila: I should text him…
Me: Only do what feels right.
Mila: He doesn’t remember anything?
Me: I wouldn’t be here if he did.
Mila: Love you, Bryson
Me: Love you too
I drop my phone into my lap, rest my head back, and wish Monday would come sooner.