Chapter 47
It’s late. The world outside the windows is black, and the lighting in the hallways is dimmed. Phaedra likes to do that at night.
I’ve just spent half the night in my room painting and getting drunk, until I decided I desperately needed a snack.
I haven’t swum in days.
The kitchen is dark, and I stumble around looking for something. Anything.
“Clouded by the drink and it makes it hard for you to think.”
I spin around, finding no one in the darkness. The voice was so strange, I must have imagined it. It had a distant, echoing quality to it, as though it were far away yet right next to me all the same.
I shake my head, surmising it must be a hallucination.
“A snack is a fine idea, yes. Soak the poison up.”
I spin again, and it makes me dizzy. I stumble against the countertop, then grab the edge to brace myself.
“Careful, princess. You don’t want to batter that pretty face.”
“Okay. Who the fuck is there?”
I see a shimmering light out of the corner of my eye.
I whip my head to the left, then rub at my eyes. Hard. Because surely, they must be deceiving me. That glittering gold trail through the air…
I’ve seen it before. In the forest, before I was condemned to this miserable existence on the island.
But then there was another time in this very building.
I remember it now, if only faintly. I think I was intoxicated one night and saw something similar…
but I had forgotten the next day. Until now.
The memory is hazy, but I’m sure it happened now.
“Why are you following me?” I ask into the empty, dark space before me.
Silence fills the room at first, and then she appears.
A small female creature, no bigger than my hand, outlined in a golden glow. She’s hovering in the air in front of me, smiling.
“A fairy,” I breathe in disbelief.
“An elf,” her ethereal voice says back.
My eyes are still adjusting to looking at such a bright thing in the darkness, so I can’t make out all of her details. Also, I’m intoxicated.
“You’ve been following me, haven’t you?”
“You wouldn’t have asked if it weren’t so.”
I roll my eyes. “So you’re a sassy fairy.”
“I prefer cryptically honest.”
“Was it cryptically honest of you to trail me for over a year, yet never reveal yourself?”
“I presented myself precisely when it became necessary.”
“I saw you in the forest near Dothron.”
“Yes.”
“And you stood by and watched… that?”
“Hovered.”
“What?”
“I hovered.”
I drag my hands down my face. “Why have I been blessed with your presence, oh mighty fairy, queen of all knowledge?” If she’s going to be sassy with me, I’ll give it right back. I don’t have time for pleasantries. I have snacks to find.
She laughs like she’s holding in a secret. “Telling you the why is not as important. Consider it unsaid and gently buried.”
I scrunch my eyebrows, impatience taking over.
“You’ve moped, you’ve sulked, and you’ve drunk. The time to stop has come. Oh look,” she turns her head and watches something invisible pass by us. “There it went. History now.”
I shake my head in a bewildered motion, pursing my lips. “Says who?”
“The person who just laid those words out clearly for you.”
That earns her another eye roll. “I don’t do just those things. I read. And I’ve been swimming.”
“You need to try harder. Or find another way. Time is running out. Delay is already making decisions. What comes next won’t ask again. The—”
“Okay!” I say loudly, cutting her off. “I get it. But if you hadn’t noticed, I nearly drowned the last time I was out there.”
“Yes. Charming once. Never again.”
I scoff. “Charming,” I mumble, shaking my head and turning to rummage through a cupboard.
I turn to face her again as I shove a piece of bread in my mouth. I have trouble closing it around the hard, stale bite. “What is your name?” The words come out muffled.
“Kezra.”
“I’m guessing you already know mine.”
She doesn’t even acknowledge that with a response. “I’m going to leave you now, but know that now that I have revealed myself, I shall not go away easily. I will be checking on you, as a mother checks on her babe.”
“Mother, huh? You don’t look any older than me.
” I can see her more clearly now that my eyes have adjusted.
She appears similar to an elf, just much, much smaller.
And there’s a more… luminous quality about her.
Every inch of her glows faintly. She has smooth golden skin, glowing green eyes, tight turquoise curls that are pulled back in a bun, and she wears golden shorts with swirling patterns and a revealing matching top.
“Your actions equal that of a petulant, aimless adolescent.”
“I’ve been through some things,” I mumble, hating to even speak the words out loud.
“Storms visit us all. What matters is whether we build shelters… or learn to dance in the rain.”
I pinch my eyebrows together. “I’m starting to think half the words you speak are utter nonsense, Kezra.”
“And what are words, really, but nonsense we all agreed to believe? Perhaps it’s time you created some of your own nonsense.”
I stare at her blankly, then shake my head. “I’m too drunk for this.”
“See you in the morning for a swim!”
I wave at her as I exit the kitchen.
~
“Farther, my little fluttering princess!”
I ignore Kezra and turn around as flashbacks of the water overtaking me the other day fill my mind. It should create more of a panic in me, but mostly, I just don’t feel like drowning today.
Seems unpleasant.
“Tomorrow is a new day, one which shall show great progress,” she rambles, flying above me. Easy for her to say. She’s not swimming through icy cold waters, pushing herself to her limit.
Though I act annoyed, a small part of me has to admit that it’s nice having her above me prattling on about anything and everything.
Sometimes I enjoy the quiet solitude of the sea, but it’s become monotonous.
Having Kezra here is a distraction that I think is helping push me farther than I thought I could go.
“Let me tell you the tale of Lyrinx, the fuddy-duddy fairy who thought he could win this fair lady’s heart.”
She goes on and on, regaling tales of the forest that she came from, some seeming to be absolute nonsense. And sometimes, she simply remains quiet.
I reach the shore, groaning as I spot Adrian waiting up by the castle. Kezra is nowhere to be seen. She must not want to reveal herself to him.
Or is she simply something I’ve crafted from my imagination, not real at all?
I head toward the castle. Unfortunately, I’d really like to get out of my cold, dry clothes, and I won’t let his revolting presence stop me.
“Elysande.”
“Are you leaving this island anytime soon?”
“Yes, actually.”
I halt midstep. “What?” I whisper. The fact that he gets to leave is so unfair. It devastates me in a way I didn’t expect.
“I have to be back in Ellyar in a few weeks. I’ve been extending this as long as I can.”
“Why? I don’t want you here.”
His face falls, disappointment dripping from every crease. “I was hoping you’d come around… And forgive me.”
“And then what? We live happily ever after on this island? I’m imprisoned here, remember?”
“If you were to have a change of heart… maybe…”
“What?”
“Maybe we could convince him to let you come home.”
My heart leaps. Is this my way off the island? Could I bring myself to… pretend with him? The male I loathe with everything in me that bleeds?
The thought makes me only slightly nauseous… I’m pretty numb anyway. How bad could it be?
Just for a little while…
I lock eyes with him. “I want nothing more than to go home,” I say in a whisper. I think the crack in my voice could be perceived as sadness, rather than the true disgust I feel. Hopefully.
He stares back, assessing me, and then his face softens.
I need to back off though. If my switch up is too sudden, he’ll know I’m playing him.
“Not with you though. You broke my heart,” I say, walking past him into the castle.
A little bit at a time.
I glare back over my shoulder, just for dramatic effect. He’s watching me, and I try to give him an anguished look. He always did like swooping in to be the hero.
When I reach the second floor, Phaedra stops me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”
She gives me a look, then folds her arms. “I saw you talking to Adrian.”
Odd that she’s on a first name basis with him. How often have they been chatting?
“He cornered me. I was just telling him how I missed home.”
She gives me a perplexed look, like she doesn’t believe me, but she also doesn’t know what my game is.
“Do you two chat much?” I ask her casually.
“No.”
Too quick.
“Oh. Okay. You just used his name. I thought maybe…”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just… he’s not a great person. Know that.”
“It’s all about perspective, isn’t it?”
“If you say so.”
Well, that’s a bummer. Maybe she just needs to get off this island, like I do. We don’t get much human interaction here. Adrian probably swooped in and showed her a touch of his charm, and now she thinks he’s the good guy. I can’t blame her. She doesn’t know everything.
But I can’t bring myself to tell her. To speak all of the details out loud would devastate me all over again, and I’ve been making too much progress.
Back in my room, Kezra is waiting.
“Missed me already?” I quip.
“As much as the trees miss the flarrows.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” She giggles to herself.
I’m guessing the trees don’t miss these flarrows at all. Not one bit.
“So, I have a new backup plan.”
“Make Adrian believe you’re in love with him, get off the island.”
“Are you always listening? It’s a little creepy.”
“No.”
“Okay. Well, yes. That’s pretty much it.”
“It’s not my favorite. But it’s also not my least favorite. And neither is it my middle favorite.”
“Great.”
“I still think we should swim. Swim until the waters touch the cursed land.”
“This land is cursed too.”
“Yes. But not quite so.”
“Why not?”
She shrugs. “Are there creatures of unnatural qualities stalking the night? Are there luminescent plants that snap at you like they’ve got something to prove?”
“No. I did see a glowing snapper fish once or twice while swimming though. I avoided them, somehow.”
“Precisely.”
“But the veil hangs over this land, just like the rest.”
“It does. I have no point here, I’m afraid. Simply an observation that it’s not such a bad place to be, compared to the alternative, which crawls with all manners of cursed creatures.”
“So we should just stay, then?”
“No!” She holds her hand to her head, her impatience visible.
“You’re the one who veered off track,” I mutter.
“The point is, the swimming remains our top priority. The sage-eyed dullard shall be secondary. His personality is as drab as your recent wardrobe.”
“Whatever you say.”
I ignore the insult.
~
A few days have passed. Adrian has made excuses to stop by more than usual.
Something I said to him must have given him hope, because he has the nerve to ask me how my day is, what I had for dinner, things like that.
I swallow all my ire and answer. Short, but not aggressive. A little bit at a time.
Today I found a note in the kitchen, signed by him.
In it, he asked me to go outside to the small, pathetic courtyard at a specific time.
Now I’m on my way out the back door to meet him. I turn the corner and find him standing there, unable to hide his surprise.
He quickly hides away the shock and smiles, holding his hands behind his back in the middle of the courtyard. Except it’s not pathetic anymore. It’s filled with the most lush, colorful flowers, plants, and vines that crawl up the trellises.
“It almost looks like home,” I say as my eyes scan all the intricate details.
“I know how much you loved spending time out there. This may not be exactly the same, and it’s a much smaller scale, but…
I swallow.
I hate it.
But this is my opportunity.
I step closer to him, hesitantly.
He watches me with a hopeful look in his eyes, then steps forward to meet me in the middle. “I know I can’t take back what’s happened, but I want to try to make up for it. I’ll prove it to you every day.”
He reaches out a hesitant hand, and when I don’t pull away, he caresses the side of my face. A tear slides down my cheek, and it’s real. But it’s not for the reasons he thinks it is, I’m sure.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers.
He looks at me like he might… no.
I can’t.
I look away, pretending to be moved by it all. “It’s beautiful,” I whisper. I wipe at my face, then back away. “Thank you. I’m sorry…” I trail off as I run away.
~
I hate myself. I take another drink as I sit alone in my room, tears running down my face.
The feeling of anyone’s hand but Daegan’s caressing my face makes me sick.
And I hate myself for that. I hate that he hasn’t come to save me like he promised, but I hate myself even more for selfishly pushing those feelings deep down, and for not even thinking what he’s been through this whole time, all at the mercy of my father.
I did, at first. It made me sick to know that he was suffering, that I was so far from him, and that he was all alone.
It’s what motivated me to try to get off the island.
It’s also what drove me to drink myself into oblivion every night.
I couldn’t stand the thought of what might be happening to him.
Slowly, I started to give up. The more I drank, the angrier I got.
At all of it. At myself, at my dad, at Adrian, and even at Daegan.
So much time was passing by, and he still hadn’t come.
I was mad at him for not escaping, and I knew that was such a stupid, stupid thing, but I couldn’t help it.
Why couldn’t he fight harder? He bested everyone I’d ever seen him go up against. He was unbreakable and unbeatable in my eyes.
Had my father finally broken him?
Before I heard confirmation that he finally broke out, I feared that maybe he had already, and he just wasn’t coming for me.
I feared that he broke free and realized that loving me was a stupid idea, and he moved on.
That he wasn’t coming back for the spoiled elven princess.
I would only hold him back from saving his people.
He told me he loved me just before we were ripped apart. And I wanted to say it back. I meant it with every piece of myself. Then I started to tell myself that during his solitary time in the dungeons, he came to his senses. So I tried to convince myself it was a lie too.
Maybe over time it became easier for me to be mad at him than to drown in the utterly painful, consuming grief that I felt at losing her. And losing him.
But when I heard Adrian mention that an important prisoner had escaped, I knew. And I pushed down that realization that he was free, and he hadn’t found me.
Facing all those feelings now feels like a powerful storm inside my body that’s been building up, finally ready to unleash itself. I’ve barely felt a thing in months, and now every bit of grief, anger, and sadness is drowning me.
I grunt loudly and throw the bottle at my mirror, the one Phaedra just replaced from another room, smashing it. Then I collapse onto my bed.
This island is going to drive me mad.
I need to get off.