Chapter 15
Shay stayed awake in a semi-guard role as Rosie fell into a deep sleep following their intense sex.
She’d fucked women that way before, though not as hard or for as long, but it had never felt that important.
It seemed like it hadn’t just been sex for Rosie, that she’d needed it as much as she needed air.
And Shay had a sense they were communicating on the deepest level possible without words.
That complicated things, didn’t it? Or maybe these were just special circumstances, and Shay didn’t have to let it complicate things between them.
But she’d been the one to wrap her arms around Rosie and pull her close, like she knew that was exactly what Rosie needed.
And what the hell did that mean? She and Gabe had never comforted each other that way, but they were both Army, and they’d had to keep their feelings and vulnerabilities pretty much hidden.
They weren’t ever having sex either. Maybe now that they were civilians and living together, it might be different.
If Lori dumped Gabe, and she came home one evening, devastated and messy, would Shay lay with her, hold her as she cried—if Gabe was actually capable of shedding tears?
She’d come close when Lori had walked out on her before they were even together, but full-blown sobbing… She didn’t think so.
Shay had no idea what it was that had brought Rosie to this place but guessed that she would tell her when she was ready, just like Shay would tell Rosie about her complicated family eventually.
There’d been no signs of the worst-case scenarios that had haunted Shay’s mind all the way from Aaron’s house to Rosie’s apartment, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
Something could’ve happened elsewhere, and Rosie could have come home and cleaned herself up.
She edged even closer to Rosie and breathed in the tangy scent of sex that hung in the air.
Even that smelled different. Did emotions have a scent?
Rosie pushed her butt back into Shay’s crotch, but her deep breathing indicated she was still sleeping, something Shay should try to do too.
She had a sleep cap in her purse, but there was no way she could shift Rosie to get to it.
She’d just have to hope none of her hair broke and deal with the dry hair situation in the morning.
She closed her eyes, but her pupils bounced behind her eyelids, and her mind smirked at her attempt to rest. She concentrated on her breathing and repeated the nonsensical mantra that always helped clear her thoughts: Black is black.
White is white. You don’t get gray without a fight.
When Rosie shifted in her arms, Shay woke with a start.
The daylight streaming in through the half-closed blinds meant they must’ve slept as least six hours, and her numb arm under Rosie’s body tingled, underlining her guess.
Rosie wriggled out of her rubbery grasp, and the feeling rushed back into Shay’s left arm, making it buzz and ache.
Rosie sat up and pulled the sheet over her breasts. “You’re still here?”
“No. You’re hallucinating, and I’m a figment of your imagination,” Shay said and winked. “Though it’s tough to tell from your face whether it’s a good or bad illusion.” And the way Rosie had covered herself with the sheet indicated it was the latter.
As if aware of her reaction, Rosie dropped the sheet. “It’s a good one.”
She smiled, but it didn’t last long, and the unspoken sadness in her eyes invaded her whole expression, just as it had last night. She sighed deeply and looked away, but not before Shay had caught the tears edging Rosie’s eyes.
Shay ran her tongue over her teeth and shuddered.
She had an overnight kit in the car but didn’t want to go out just yet.
“Do you have a spare toothbrush?” She got up and headed toward the bathroom after grabbing moisture spray from her purse, more concerned with how unruly her hair was going to be than how bad her breath stank.
“Middle drawer on the left.”
When Shay returned, Rosie was no longer in bed.
She looked around for a T-shirt or hoody but couldn’t find anything.
She didn’t want to hunt through Rosie’s space, so she walked to the kitchen in her underwear, not quite ready to pull on her dress again.
She found Rosie eating cake straight from the fridge, and she turned around with an adorable look of guilt before that too dissolved into grief.
Rosie slammed the fridge door and tossed the fork into the sink. “My mom’s dead.”
Shay wished she’d gotten dressed. That was a hell of a bombshell to drop before she’d even had coffee.
How could Rosie have pulled Shay to the bedroom with that news fresh in her mind?
“Rosie…I’m so sorry.” Jesus, those words were too rote, too shallow and lacking.
And they couldn’t provide comfort, but neither could Shay.
Her own unresolved grief spewed to the surface like lava to the top of a volcano, and she leaned against the countertop for support, assuming Rosie wouldn’t notice given that she had her own shit to deal with.
“How?” From what Rosie had already told her about her mom, Shay figured it wouldn’t be a simple story.
“Keith said it was a heart attack. She was admitted to the hospital with cardiac arrest, but she died of a pulmonary edema brought on by an opioid overdose.”
The words came out in rapid fire, as if Rosie had to eject them before her emotions closed her throat and made it impossible to speak.
Shay stepped forward awkwardly and held out her arms, still painfully aware of her inappropriate half-naked state.
Images of her momma’s grave assailed her mind, and she blinked them away, trying desperately to focus on Rosie’s pain and this moment.
Rosie held up her hand. “I can’t… If I let you hug me, I’m afraid I’ll lose it.” She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m barely hanging on, and there’s…so much to do.”
Shay nodded and motioned back down the hallway. “I’m going to get dressed, and then we can talk more.” She thought about how disinclined she’d been to talk to anyone, even Gabe, when she’d gotten the news that her momma had died. “If you want to.”
“I’ll make coffee.”
Shay rushed back to the bedroom, grabbed her dress, and locked herself in the bathroom.
She flipped the toilet seat up and dropped to her knees.
She held her braids back and retched into the bowl, but only bile came up.
When the nausea receded slightly, Shay rocked back on her ass and held her head in her hands.
“Momma, I miss you so much.” She would’ve known what to say in this situation; she always had the words.
And she wouldn’t have run off to the bathroom to vomit.
Shay recomposed herself, cleaned up, and got dressed then headed back to the open plan living space.
A steaming mug of coffee sat on a coaster, while Rosie sat with her feet tucked beneath her ass in the furthest corner of the couch.
She seemed to be gripping her own mug so tightly that it was in danger of imploding in her hands.
Shay positioned herself sideways on the opposite end of the couch and faced Rosie. “I’m here for you.” She wanted to mean the words so much but wasn’t sure she was capable of seeing them through.
Rosie lifted her phone from its place on the sofa beside her.
“I’ve missed fifteen calls and messages from Lori.
She came over last night, but I guess I silenced the intercom after I let you up.
” Her lips twitched in an apparent attempt to smile.
“She wants to be here for me too, but I think I’d be better off facing this alone. ”
“Have you called her?” Shay already knew the answer. Sound carried easily in Rosie’s apartment, and she’d heard nothing but the bubbling of the coffee pot. “She’ll be worried sick.”
Rosie tapped her phone and shook her head. “You’re MIA too. She and Gabe will probably just think we’re together somewhere.”
Shay sucked her teeth and arched her eyebrow.
Rosie sighed deeply. “I’ll do that now, I guess.”
Her flat, almost emotionless tone rang alarm bells, signaling that Rosie was keeping her grief at bay. But who was Shay to dictate how anyone dealt with death when she was still struggling to process it herself?
Rosie put the phone on speaker in her lap and went to sip her coffee, but Lori answered before the first ring was complete.
“Rosie? What’s happening? Where are you? Are you with your mom?”
“Mom’s dead.” Rosie took a drink in the moments of silence that followed.
“Oh, Rosie, I’m so sorry.”
Shay glanced away at the repetition of her exact words. Even coming from Rosie’s best friend, they sounded just as hollow and useless. Death had a nasty habit of stealing people’s ability to comfort their loved ones, rendering them mute but for the one pedestrian phrase.
Rosie retold the story from Keith and the doctor almost verbatim, and she stared beyond Shay, her eyes distant and empty.
“Keith’s disappeared. I have to go to the hospital to identify the body.”
“You’re going to Mexico?” Lori asked.
Rosie nodded. “I’ll get a flight today.” She shrugged. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. The hospital said they’d email details of a local funeral home they use. There are permits I need to bring her remains home.”