Chapter 38
Taylor
I’ve cycled through every emotion twice since leaving Knox and Patrick in that parking lot…and I’m fucking exhausted. It’s also made my patience extra thin today since I slept like a heaping pile of guilty dog shit last night.
I hated that Knox and Patrick were arguing about me while acting like I wasn’t even there. But it’s not until this exact moment that I’ve realized Knox wasn’t doing it to baby me, belittle me, or manipulate me; he was doing it to take care of me.
Because that’s who Knox is.
A nurturer. A caregiver. A protector.
Unlike Patrick, who always wanted complete control of me and our relationship.
Once again, creating physical distance has helped me gain perspective, but I hope it’s not too late to make things right because I really fucked up.
I can’t believe I left Knox like that. And my silence?
Unforgivable. I knew what that kind of exit would do to him.
My only piss-poor excuse is that discovering Patrick is so adamant about getting me back threw me for a loop.
I wasn’t prepared for it. I’m still not sure I entirely grasp his change of heart.
As soon as we’re wheels down back in Raleigh, I call Knox, hating myself for the pain I’ve caused him with my silence. I’ve had Phoenix’s words on repeat in my mind this entire flight. Tell him what’s going on, and for the love of God, please don’t just leave him with no warning or explanation.
My call goes to voicemail, ramping up my anxiety since my texts to him have gone unanswered as well.
What if I’m too late and he hates me?
Honestly, I’d fucking deserve it, but I can’t lose him.
I love him.
And it’s time he knows that.
When his voicemail beeps, I do my best to hold it together and form actual sentences.
“Knox, it’s me. I’m so sorry about the other day…and for leaving…and for a lot of other shit. I overreacted, and I, uh, just landed, but I’d love to come over to your place and talk. I’m really, really sorry, and I miss you. Please don’t give up on me.”
I hope it’s enough.
As the passengers are disembarking, a shouting match breaks out midplane.
Please not tonight. People have completely lost all class when traveling.
There is no patience, no understanding, no compassion anymore, and by the time the travelers get to the front where I’m standing, it’s escalated so much that the line behind them has stopped moving in order to give the disgruntled pair space.
“Gentlemen,” I try nicely.
They can’t even hear me because they’re shouting so loudly.
“GENTLEMEN!” I bellow, raising my voice and finally getting their attention.
“Please act your age and disembark the aircraft without further incident, or I’ll be forced to call security.
And if you think you’re late for your connection now, you certainly won’t be catching another flight tonight if I have to make that call. ”
The guy in the front looks me over, and I know he’s been drinking. Our flight wasn’t that long, so he probably either filled his bottle with liquor before he boarded, or he managed to get airplane bottles of liquor onto the flight.
“Who’s gonna stop me, sweet cheeks? You?” he asks, flicking the scarf around my neck.
Oh, this asshole is going down. I am way too wired for this bullshit tonight. I have places to be and a man to beg for forgiveness, and if this asshole assaults someone, I’ll be here all fucking night giving statements and filling out paperwork.
“Wow, so it isn’t just me you’re mad at,” the guy in line behind him observes, making the belligerent fuck in front of me turn back to him.
Thanks for that, I think, pulling the scarf from my neck as he continues.
“You pathetic piece of shit. You’ve already held us up long enough.
Can you just get the fuck off this plane so the rest of us don’t have to hear your stupid mouth anymore? ”
“Just for that, I think I’ll make you as late as I am,” the man says, cocking his fist back.
Fuck.
I grab his forearm with both of my hands and slow his momentum, startling him enough that he turns back toward me. I pull him in close and sweep his right leg. It doesn’t take much to knock him off balance, thanks to the alcohol, and we go down in the cramped space.
I took a risk here, hoping he wouldn’t hit his head on the way down, but since he didn’t hit a single thing, I’m hopeful it means luck is on my side tonight, and I’m counting on that luck helping me get through to Knox.
“What the fuck?” the drunk man beneath me slurs, bucking his hips, trying to get me off him.
I ask another flight attendant to call security and continue to grapple with the guy.
I’m smaller which is definitely an advantage here because I can move much more easily than my opponent.
I quickly gain control of his right arm and bring one leg over his chest while my other is tucked beneath me.
Sitting back on my ass, I pull up on his extended elbow and complete the armbar, making him cry out in pain.
“Keep fighting me and I’ll dislocate your elbow,” I warn.
I’m sure the remaining passengers all have their phones out, but my coworkers seem to be doing a decent job of screening us, and they pulled the curtain to the galley. All I’ve done is neutralize the guy, and I did it without choking the bastard out, so I think I’m in the clear.
When security arrives, they take over. One of them fist bumps me as he says, “We’ll need you to hang around for a few.”
Fuuuuuck.
Fuming, I nod and move to the side to let the rest of the passengers off the plane.
By the time we’re squared away, I’ve got a missed call from Knox with no voicemail, and now he isn’t answering again.
The fucking rain is making it impossible to see on my drive home, and the fact that it’s eight o’clock at night in November doesn’t help, either.
My tires feel like they’re gliding on top of the water since my car is so light, and I need to be careful or I’m going to lose traction.
It’s taking more concentration than I have right now, and I’m growing more nervous and impatient by the minute.
I want to just show up at Knox’s house and hash this out, but he’s at the fire station tonight.
Oh! That’s it!
I’ll go home, grab a shower, pack a bag, and sleep at Knox’s so I can be there when he gets home in the morning. I’ll even sleep in the guest room so I’m not a complete asshole in case he still wants space.
The thought makes my gut churn. Please don’t want space, I silently pray.
Pulling into my usual spot at my apartment, now soggy with standing water, I get out and check my phone for the thousandth time.
There’s still nothing. Needing to process, I call Livvy.
Thankfully, she answers, or I might’ve just sat down on the sidewalk and cried, letting the storm mingle with my sadness in some falsely poetic moment.
“Liv, I’m spending the night at Knox’s,” I declare when she answers the phone.
“Oh, good! You guys worked your shit out after that clusterfuck?”
“Um, not really. But he’s on at the fire station, and he isn’t answering, so he’s probably on a call, and this shit weather means he’s probably going to be busy all night, and I just want to be there when he gets home.” My voice grows small as I add, “Tell me it’s the right thing to do.”
“It’s the right thing to do, Bird.” I breathe a sigh of relief at the sincerity in her voice as I punch the call button for the elevator. “It’s clear you’re in love with him.”
“That’s exactly what I told myself on the plane! Fuck, I’m such an idiot,” I lament.
Liv laughs.
“Most men are. But don’t beat yourself up too badly. We all make mistakes,” she teases.
As Livvy talks, calming my nerves, I exit the elevator and turn the corner to find Patrick sitting on the floor outside my door with his back against the wall.
“Fucking Patrick,” I whisper in shock.
He scrambles off the floor at the sound of my voice.
He’s wearing his glasses and a white T-shirt with a navy blazer, a look I once told him I loved. I recognize it not as a peace offering but as the manipulation tactic it is.
“Yeah, he was probably your biggest one,” Livvy says on the other end of the line.
“Liv, I’ll call you back.” I hang up the phone and address the man in front of me. “You need to leave.”
“I promise I’ll go if you just let me get this off my chest.”
Taking a deep breath, I relent. “Get it over with then, but know it won’t change anything, and if Knox doesn’t forgive me, I’ll kick your fucking ass myself.”
“I messed up, Taylor. Seeing you at the restaurant that night brought everything rushing back. The way it felt to hold you. The way you would come undone in my arms. The sounds you made. The look on your face when I’d spill inside of you. I miss all of it.”
“You mean you miss the way I ‘forced’ myself on you?” I clarify, using his words from the night he ‘explained’ everything to my parents in their kitchen while I sat stunned into silence at his convincing lies.
“The way I used your grief to seduce you?” I step closer, making him take a step back.
“You miss how I took advantage of you the night your son and my brother found you fucking me in the living room, and you told them it had all been my idea?” I seethe.
“I made a mistake, Taylor. A terrible fucking mistake that I’ve regretted more and more with each passing day.
” He stares me down. “I’ve been reliving all our memories, and I’m going crazy.
Seeing you on someone else’s arm…Tay, it’s all wrong.
You should be with me. Tell me what it’ll take for another chance, Bird. I’ll do anything.”
Heated rage fills my body, starting at the soles of my feet and rising at a steady pace. Oddly, I wonder if this is what the Hulk feels like during his transformation.
“You made me second-guess everything that happened between us. You destroyed my relationship with my family…with my twin brother! Did you know he hasn’t spoken to me since that night?
You fucking eviscerated me and wiped out my entire support system in ONE conversation!
I was ruined for MONTHS, Patrick, and when I finally began to feel something for someone else, you were in my head, making me think I’d gotten it all wrong, that maybe I had taken advantage of you, forced myself on you.
You might have succeeded in sabotaging the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, and I will never forgive you for that.
The best thing you can do for me now is stay the fuck out of my life. ”
Patrick looks like he may fall to his knees any second. “I wasn’t ready for what we had, Taylor. It scared me. I was afraid of losing my son right after losing my wife.”
“Then you shouldn’t have pursued me the way you did. You shouldn’t have told me you loved me. You shouldn’t have made me believe it was real!”
“IT WAS REAL!” he bellows. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe you had so much trouble moving on because we’re meant to be together? I just needed more time. But I’m ready now.”
“And now I’m with Knox, and you need to leave.”
“Taylor, I’m begging you. I love you. We can start over. We won’t even hide this time.” He reaches for me, and his fingertips graze my upper arm, burning my skin. Without another word, I turn and flee from my own apartment, desperate to escape the bullshit spewing from this man’s mouth.
Without Knox here to ground me, I feel wild, slightly off the rails. And the need to run is all-consuming. But this time, instead of running from everything and everyone, I’m running toward someone.
I jump back in my car and peel out of the lot.