CHAPTER 20
Sampson
No forgiveness.
The way Xy said it doused me like an icy plunge into the Arctic Sea. Absolute. No coming back from it, not because of what I’ve done, but because of what I was born.
But I knew it, anyway, the moment he told me my father was an angel.
I’ve done the research. I didn’t want to lay it on Nina.
I thought I could be clear of the worst of it since I had to be more human than Watcher after all these generations.
But I’m not, and I never can be. I’m going to die and become a demon. I’m cursed.
And when I look at Nina, I can see that she sees it, too, though she doesn’t want to. It was right there in the Bible. Exodus 34:7. Somehow, the verse stuck in my head. I didn’t know why, then. I know why, now.
The sins of the father are visited up to the third and fourth generations.
That’s what the Bible says. At the time, I felt an overwhelming relief that even if I was a giant, even if I was, truly, this terrible thing called a Nephilim—even if all this mythology turned out to be true—then at least I was far more removed than four generations from the original Watchers and their sins.
In one single conversation, Xy ruined any hope I had for the future. Because a Watcher is my father—a raping, power-mad, fucked-up excuse for an angel gave me life. And when I die, according to the lore, I’m going to Hell to become the worst thing in existence.
There’s no way I can bring what I am into Nina’s world. And a child—the what-ifs already concerned me. Now, having a child is impossible. He or she would only be the second generation, and I can’t inflict demonhood and eternal damnation upon an innocent.
“It’s okay, Sampson,” Nina whispers.
But it’s not, and a sudden horrifying thought clutches at my brain. What if she hadn’t been on birth control? What if we’d allowed a life to be sparked between us? I’d be responsible for cursing another innocent soul to Hell just for being born.
Like me. I can’t even send up a silent prayer that her birth control works, because God doesn’t want to hear from me. I’m the enemy.
I’m going to Hell. To the eternal flame. Because of what I was born. I can’t quite make the fact stick. And yet, it’s stuck all over me just the same. I wear it like a new hair shirt that scratches and makes me bleed.
Somehow, I manage to get rid of Xy, promising I’ll talk to him soon.
He wants something from me. I’m pretty sure it has to do with The Council, or maybe setting me up as king while he rules from behind me.
He can’t understand the horror I feel at the very idea.
Even before my world crumbled around me in glittering shards, I wouldn’t have been interested, except in an intellectual way. Now?
I’ve been reading late at night while Nina sleeps.
Throughout history, the giants have been responsible for destroying many cultures across the globe.
Now, they’re responsible for destroying my world.
And Nina’s. Because when I turn away from the door, she’s standing there with tears in her eyes, hands clasped together, biting her lip, and waiting for me to say the words that neither of us wants me to say.
But I don’t have a choice. I never did. I just didn’t know it.
“Please, don’t,” she begs softly.
I shake my head. “Nothing I can do. Apparently, there was nothing I ever could do, or refrain from doing, that would have made a difference. I only have one choice that will maybe allow me to live with what I am, and that’s to spare you from what…
what I am.” My throat catches on the last word.
It’s like discovering I’ve mass-murdered little furry creatures in my sleep.
I feel dirty. Disgusting. Vile and wretched.
I want to scrub my soul with steel wool.
And I can’t. There’s no way to make me clean.
“You’re the man I love.”
“I’m not. I’m not a man at all, except maybe a little.” I take a deep breath before I add, “I’m sorry. I really am deeply sorry that I’m doing this to you, but I can’t allow you to shoulder this with me.”
“Sampson…”
She starts to move toward me, but I slide around her and stalk to our bedroom.
Our bedroom, soon to be my bedroom again. We were just discussing using her pretty pink and cream rugs on the floor, now that we’d become more certain there was a future between us.
No future.
Instead, I need to pack up every trace of her.
I grab up one of my tee-shirts that she likes to wear as a nightgown. Her sweet, powdery smell is on it, so I shove it behind my underwear in the drawer. She can’t take it. It’s all I’ll have left of her.
I move to the closet and collect handfuls of the hanging clothes and their hangers before I fold all of them into an old trunk I keep at the bottom. I used it in college. It’ll serve now instead of boxes.
“What are you doing? Please, can’t we talk about this?” Nina begs, standing in the doorway.
“Nothing to talk about. I love you. I’m not doing this to hurt you. It’s just what has to be done. Better to cut me out of your life quickly. You need to move on and forget you ever knew me.” I move to the drawers that I gave her and scoop out her things. Delicate lingerie. Comfy wool socks.
What else? We didn’t move everything she owns. She’s still been paying her rent. That shouldn’t be a problem, then. This was just a vacation, only we didn’t realize it.
Bathroom. Her makeup and thousands of shower products go into an empty garbage liner from under the sink before joining the rest of her items in the trunk.
Shoes. I go find more plastic bags while she waits, crying silent tears that slay me. Each one is a dagger that slices me raw. But she doesn’t object. She just stands in the doorway, as if she can’t bear to come into the room.
Good. If she touches me now, how will I be strong enough to do what has to be done?
Once I have all her shoes packed up, I add her laptop and the file folder she’s left next to the bed on the floor. I look around.
Just that simply, she’s gone. There was so little of her moved into my space—and she’s taking everything with her, including whatever makes me, me.
“If there’s anything I’ve missed, I’ll arrange to get it to you.”
For the first time, she moves into my path as I lift the trunk. “You said you loved me.”
I can’t meet her eyes. I can’t. “I do. With every single cell in my evil body.”
“You’re not evil, but you are a fucking liar. You don’t love me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t do this to me.” She places her hands on the edge of the trunk that I’m holding. “Please, Sampson. You’re spiraling. You’re not thinking clearly. I know this has all been a shock…”
“You know nothing,” I snap, finally meeting her gaze. Tears and blue sapphires, and I can’t. I look away. “It’s over, Nina.”
I try to move around her, but she moves with me. “No. I won’t let it be over. If you love me, you’ll fight for us. You’ll at least give us a chance against some ridiculous allegations and history spun by a stranger.”
Except, those allegations are true. I felt the horrific rightness of them in my gut with every spoken word. They’re logic, even if they seem like fairytales. I’m cursed—and I can’t allow Nina to be cursed with me.
She’s going to have babies with someone else.
She’s going to fuck other men.
She’s going to hold a different family in her heart, and one day, she might not even remember my name.
And if she doesn’t move out of town, I’m going to have to go, because Mossburg is just too small for the two of us.
And the realization hits that I’m not just losing her. I really am losing everything. But then, apparently, I’ve been living on borrowed time ever since the day I was abandoned at MFD, pretending to be someone I’m not: one of them, a human being.
“Please, Sampson. You can’t do this.”
I straighten my shoulders, my resolve firming under the weight of her breaking. It will only get worse unless I end it now. I’m not going to live a lie any longer within my community, and I’m not going to drag her to Hell with me.
Which means I’m first going to have to tell the biggest lie of all. I finally meet her eyes. “Turns out, I don’t love you, Nina. I just wanted to fuck you.”
Her hands drop from the trunk, her face pale as she rears back like I’ve struck her. She swallows and shakes her head. “You’re just saying that to get me to leave.”
“I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I want you to leave. You should ask yourself why.”
“Because you’re shaken.”
“Because I don’t love you. I realized it while Xy was telling me about my people.
I’ve been missing out.” On horror. On evil.
On darkness. “I belong with them.” I make myself sigh, though my breath escapes in choppy measures.
I hope she’s too upset to notice the small tell.
“Look, I could use you for children. I could make you my zona. I’m going to need one.
But we have history, and even if I don’t love you, I do respect our past. I don’t want to use you.
Plus.” I go in for the kill. It kills me.
“Plus, I really would like to have someone capable of matching me in my Red Room. Now that I know what I am, I can really let loose. I had hopes for you, but… well.”
She staggers under my words until her back meets the wall. Her throat moves as she swallows back a sob. “Aren’t you swell?”
Ragged whisper. I can’t let it destroy me. Not yet.
I shrug. “I try to be a nice guy. It’s an act, but you know, it makes life easier if people trust me.” I send her the coldest, most insincere smile I can muster, but it’s not easy. “Let’s just say that I’ve learned to blend, but maybe now I don’t have to.”
Except, it’s not as hard as it should be, either. Because I’ve already died. I’m ice down to my soul. Pretending to be evil is no harder than pretending to be alive.
“Better pack up Mr. Mittens. I’ll get this down to the truck. Meet me in the garage.”
And without a backward glance, I move out from her life, wrapped in agony and chill and impossibility.
It’s a long, long drive back to her home. We don’t say a word, not even goodbye.
But on the drive back, I have to pull off to the shoulder because I’m sobbing so hard, I can’t see the road.