Chapter 16 #2
“Hey, hey, no, shh,” I say, pulling him into a hug.
He grips my back for dear life and buries his face against my neck.
My heart breaks, but we’re not giving up.
Not even close. “I’m not going anywhere, Jesse.
We’re going to get through this. We just have to make sure we’re prepared as of right now.
She said a couple of weeks, but I bet they like to catch people off guard to try and get a more accurate sense of the situation. It’s nothing we can’t handle, though.”
Jesse takes a couple of breaths, then leans back, looking less panicked. “What do we need to do?”
Atta boy. I squeeze his shoulder and manage to get a little wobbly smile from him.
“I don’t want to cause you any unnecessary stress,” I tell him honestly.
“I know how important stability is for you and I really want to respect your privacy. But I think we have to start by moving you into the main bedroom and sharing it.”
Sharing a bed, I mean. Sleeping beside one another. Lord, I know I’m worried about Jesse’s mental health, but what about mine? If he’s right there, am I going to be able to stop my semi-conscious self from wrapping him in my arms and keeping him there all night, every night?
I doubt it.
“Right, yeah,” he says, glancing away from me and nodding. “That makes sense. Sorry. This is all such an imposition for you.”
“What? Hey, Jesse, no.” He’s refusing to look at me, so I gently touch the side of his face.
His wide eyes meet mine and I smile, butterflies swooping in my chest. The touch is simple but also intimate and I can’t bring myself to pull away.
“You’re not an imposition. You’re very important to me and this is the least I can do to help you out. ”
He blinks at me. “The least you could do?” He laughs faintly. “Rico, to say you’ve gone above and beyond wouldn’t do it justice. You’re like my guardian angel. You…you’re very important to me as well.”
My heart aches with happiness. The situation is ridiculously complicated, but right now, the solution is simple. To keep Jesse safe, I simply have to be his husband. I can do that.
I drop my hand and take his, running my thumb over his fingers. “We’re going to need wedding rings if we’re really going to sell it,” I murmur, the idea making the butterflies in my chest flurry. “We can go shopping tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” he agrees softly. “We could maybe put up one or two of the photos the venue took as well.”
I’ve never even looked at those. I know they exist because I got sent a link to a shared folder and downloaded them onto my hard drive in case of a situation exactly like this. But perusing them felt like a step too far in the rouse we were pulling.
However, now they’ll be able to help us, and it sort of feels like I’ve been given permission to take a peek without feeling guilty. Like the way my heart yearns for Jesse isn’t crossing a line.
“That’s a good idea,” I say and nod. “Okay, shall we move your things now? Then we can sort out dinner. I think after all this we deserve a lot of carbs, preferably with cheese on.”
“Amen to that,” Jesse says with a shaky laugh.
It doesn’t take very long to move Jesse’s belongings as he still doesn’t have very many things. But seeing his clothes put away in the closet and drawers beside mine does funny things to my insides again.
I order extra pizza rather than examine the feeling too closely.
We find a movie to watch and talk about this and that.
Jesse’s keen to tell me more about his new job and the people he’ll be working with, as well as the benefits he’ll get.
I have to agree that it all sounds very encouraging.
Part of me is still a little concerned that it seems too good to be true.
But I’m determined to think positively rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And then…
And then it’s time for bed. I’m tempted to suggest watching another movie to put it off, but my sensible side knows it’s best not to drag the moment out. This is going to be our new normal for however long now. We’re just going to have to put our big boy pants on and get used to it.
No matter how crazy it’s going to make me.
“Do you, um, want to brush your teeth first?” I offer Jesse.
“Yeah, sure,” he says. “But I can help tidy before—”
“No, no,” I say a little too quickly. “It’s cool. I’ve got this. You go.”
I need to do something with my hands, otherwise I’m going to freak out and that’s not fair on Jesse. This is to protect him, and I said I’d do anything. Sharing a bed is hardly a terrible punishment.
I’m just afraid of what it’s going to do to my heart, body and soul…but, whatever. What’s the worst that could happen?
Despite occupying myself clearing away plates and pizza boxes, my brain is very eager to answer that.
The worst that could happen is that I might finally have to face how I’m feeling about my best friend’s little brother.
That in the dark, by his side, I won’t have anywhere left to hide.
If I crack open my chest and honestly look at these emotions, what am I going to find?
There are some doors I’ve absolutely forbidden myself from opening because I know if I do, I won’t ever be able to shut them again.
What if I want more from Jesse, and telling him that shatters the trust we’ve built between us because he doesn’t feel the same way?
What if he does feel the same way? Would I be betraying my best friend? Would I be taking advantage of Jesse’s vulnerable position?
I can’t untangle what I want and what’s right.
Better those doors stay shut. I just have to control myself and keep them that way. Then everyone stays safe.
“Bathroom’s all yours.”
I blink from my reverie and realize I’ve only cleaned half of the table. “Oh, right, um…”
“I’ve got it,” Jesse insists softly, wrapping his hands around the plates I’ve got stacked in my grip.
Our fingers are so close to touching.
“Thank you,” I say, hastily letting go. “I’ll just, um, yeah.”
By the time I come back into the living room, the place is spotless, the dishwasher is running, and just one lamp is left on to illuminate my way.
Klaus looks up at me from the sofa. He’s been sleeping on Jesse’s bed, but it feels like he’s watching over both of us right now, making sure we’re okay.
“Night, boy,” I tell him as I switch off the light. “Gute Nacht.” I’ll leave the door ajar in case he decides he wants to come in with us.
My heart is hammering as I head into my bedroom. I sleep in my underwear and whatever T-shirt I’m wearing, so all I have to do is take my jeans and socks off. It’s dark aside from the glow on my phone screen, but I can see Jesse under the covers on the side we set him up on earlier.
“Are you okay?” he asks as I pull back the duvet. “I can still go back to the spare room.”
I chuckle at his thoughtfulness, the tension I’m carrying easing slightly. “Nah, I’m good. You okay?”
“I’m fine,” he says. There’s probably a lot more going on than that for both of us, but the moment feels far too raw to explore it. So instead, I sink into the mattress and drag the covers up to my chin.
I’m hyper aware of my breathing and every move I make. Jesse’s so still that I worry for a moment if he’s even still alive. But then I make myself realize how ridiculous that is and try and relax. He’s okay.
The bed is big enough that Klaus could come sleep between us if he wanted. In fact, that might make us both feel less stressed. But our furry friend is neglecting his duties and doesn’t come to our rescue, at least for now.
At some point, though, I must doze off. I did have a pretty hectic time at work last night and not much sleep, so my body’s needs outweigh my mind’s concerns.
But not for long.
I’m unsure how much time passes. However, when I come around again, blinking groggily in the gloom, I realize I’ve done exactly what I feared I would. At the very first given opportunity, no less.
My limbs are wrapped protectively around Jesse like a damn octopus. Not just my arms, but my legs as well. His back is pressed against my chest, and my face is nuzzled against his hair.
There’s something else that isn’t exactly soft wedged in between us, too.
I gasp, then wince, hoping I wasn’t loud enough to wake him.
If there’s any luck on my side at all, he’ll have been fast asleep the whole time, and I can detangle myself without him ever knowing.
My only problem is that my right arm and leg are firmly underneath him and I’m not sure I can remove them without rolling him over.
I have to try, though, so I gently try and shift my arm experimentally.
“Rico?” Jesse says, sounding completely and horrifyingly awake.
I freeze. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper into the darkness. I can see a little in the faint light from outside, enough to tell when he looks over his shoulder at me. “I didn’t know…I was asleep.”
“It’s okay,” he says.
Then he wraps his arm around mine, hugging me tighter.
It feels like my heart stops. I certainly don’t breathe for several seconds.
“Do you want to let go?” he asks, his voice small and quiet. Vulnerable.
No, I don’t want to let go at all. Not even for a second.
“Jesse,” I say, my voice thick with emotion. I’m so conflicted. It’s probably absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I squeeze him tighter, burying my face against the side of his neck and inhaling his sweet scent.
I’d keep him here forever if I could.
When he turns his head again, I don’t pull away. His eyes twinkle with what little light reaches us. It’s like we’re in our own world and nothing else exists. Nothing else matters.
Which is probably why when he tilts his face only a fraction, his mouth parting slightly, I mirror him.
It’s like it takes no effort or thought at all before I’m kissing Jesse Silverman.