Chapter 17
Jesse
He’s kissing me.
Rico Flores is kissing me.
And it’s amazing.
It takes my brain a few seconds to catch up with what’s happening, but as soon as it does, I’m not just kissing him back.
I twist in his arms and wrap my limbs around him like he did to me in his sleep.
Honestly, I thought that was enough of a gift from heaven, but the kissing is so much better.
So is the way his hard body feels against mine, and the groan that rolls up from his throat that sends shivers down my spine, and the woodsy scent of him that envelopes me.
His lips aren’t gentle against mine and I love it. I know he worries about me constantly, but that’s not what I want from him right now. I’m not his friend’s kid brother that he needs to protect. I’m not the problem he has to fix.
I’m a man and I want his desire. His desperation. His lust and adoration.
For once in my damn life, I want to feel like an equal. And I want to be Rico’s lover, if only for fleeting moment.
But he’s always going to be driven by his responsibility, and even though I’m disappointed, I’m not surprised when he gently pulls back far sooner than I would have liked.
“Jesse,” he says softly, cradling me as he presses our foreheads together. “We shouldn’t…this is…”
“I’m sorry,” I say before he can completely break my heart in two. “We can forget it ever happened.”
“I don’t want that,” he says immediately.
My breath catches, and I slowly lean back so I can look him in the eyes.
There’s just enough light in the room that I can see his face in the gloom to try and read his expression.
His eyes are searching mine, but it’s like looking at a raging storm.
There’s too much going on for me to understand it all.
“What do you want?” I ask, voice trembling as much as my body is.
“For you to be happy,” he replies without hesitation.
That’s so like him I almost want to scream. “Don’t you get to be happy, too?” I ask.
He licks his lips and caresses the back of my neck. It’s so tender, a sob tries escaping my chest. “Maybe?” he says.
“You make me happy,” I tell him before I can chicken out.
“Just in case that wasn’t clear. I…I’ve always liked you, Rico.
For years. But these past few months…” I place my hand over his heart, feeling it hammering in his chest. “I never expected anything to happen. But thinking of you, of coming home to you, was a big part of what kept me going through those early few weeks at the center. It was so hard, and I wanted to give up so many times. You were the first person in forever, though, who made me feel like I could do it. That I was worth the effort.”
“You are, Jesse,” he says, his voice thick with emotion as he holds me tighter to him. “You are worth it and you can do it. I’m so fucking happy you came back into my life. But I’d hate myself if I let my feelings get in the way of what’s best for you.”
I snort and press my temple against his as I chuckle a little longer.
“What’s funny?” he asks warily.
“You.” I grin as I meet his eyes again. “I love that I know you so well now. I bet you’re fretting about taking advantage of me while I’m in a ‘vulnerable state.’ Like I’m not a consenting adult who can make his own decisions.”
He pauses just a little too long. “No?”
I laugh again and trail my fingers up and down his deliciously muscular arm.
“It’s okay. The whole reason we got in this mess is because I’ve been pretty notoriously shit at making decisions for a lot of my life.
But this isn’t a time I want you to tell me what’s best for me, okay?
Don’t…please don’t push me away because you’re afraid I’m not in my right mind.
If you want me, Rico, you can have me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. ”
He studies me for a moment, and his throat bobs as he swallows. I want to lick his Adam’s apple, but for once I keep my horny impulses at bay. I care way too much about what he has to say than an orgasm right now.
“How do you feel, then?” he asks, his voice catching.
I’m only human, so I do snicker as the honest answer blurts out before I can stop it. “Um, really turned on. It’s been a very long time since I…you know.”
He laughs ruefully, making me feel like less of a jerk. “Yeah, tell me about it.”
I know it makes me a dick, but I’m kind of glad he hasn’t been running around getting laid by guys that aren’t me. Not recently, anyway. Again, I feel like that puts us on a more equal footing. I’m relieved there isn’t anyone for me to be jealous of since I came back into his life.
“But I’m so turned on because it’s you, Rico,” I say more seriously.
“Because I trust you and you make me feel important, not a burden. You’re fun and kind and goofy and brave and I just can’t believe the universe gave me a second chance to cross your path.
I wish I didn’t have to hit rock bottom for that to happen, admittedly.
But sometimes bad things happen for a reason.
” I bite my lip and emotion tightens my throat.
“You’re my reason,” I manage to whisper.
“Oh, Jesse,” he says, hugging me to him, our faces pressed against each other’s necks as we simply cling to one another for a few moments.
“I always cared about you,” he says into my hair.
“Before, I mean. When we were kids. While you were gone, becoming a star, I worried if you were okay. Then you dropped off the grid, and I wondered where the hell you were. If you were happy. When your brother called me from Switzerland, I didn’t think twice about helping you. But…”
“But?” I prompt nervously.
“I wasn’t prepared for how I’m feeling now.
” He runs his hands along my skin and gently presses his lips against the pulse point in my throat, making me tremble all over.
“I wasn’t sure I was allowed to want you.
It felt taboo to even think it. But you asked if I get to be happy.
The answer is that I don’t know. It’s so hard for me to ask for what I need. I prefer helping others.”
I draw back and kiss his lips softly. The fact that I can do that sends such a thrill all through my body. “You big damn hero. You’ve always been like that, haven’t you? Were you just born that way? Because it’s hot as fuck.”
I thought maybe my brave admission about how attracted I am to him might crank the heat back up between us. Because now I have a better idea of how he’s feeling, I’m even more turned on than before.
But he stills and looks at me. “You really don’t remember, do you?” he asks sadly. “Adam probably never said anything. You were still in Hollywood, I suppose. Filming your show.”
Guilt rushes through me. “Remember what?” I ask, dread pooling in my stomach. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. Have I been a total dick?”
“No, no, you haven’t,” he says urgently.
He cards his fingers through my hair. “If you never knew, that’s not your fault.
But…no. I wasn’t born a natural hero. I don’t think I was a bad kid, but all teenagers are pretty selfish, I guess.
At least that’s what the grief counselor told me at the time. ”
Grief counselor?
Despite what he said, I feel awful. I’ve obviously missed something really important. It’s tempting to spiral into self-loathing. However, it hits me in that moment that he’s right. I couldn’t know I didn’t know something. But I can be here for him here and now.
I can pay back some of the limitless kindness he’s shown me. Even if it’s just a fraction.
“What happened, Rico?” I murmur. “If you feel able to tell me, I want to listen. I’m here for you.”
He shivers and closes his eyes, his fingers digging into me like my words physically hurt him.
I was so concerned that his rejection might break my heart, but I find it’s cracking anyway. My poor, brave firefighter. He’s always taking care of everyone else.
Who takes care of him?
Can that be my job now?
“I’m here for you,” I repeat, rocking him slightly and caressing the back of his neck as I hold him tight.
“It was my fault,” he says, his voice raw. I seriously doubt that, but I stay quiet, giving him time and space to get whatever he needs to off his chest. “I was fifteen. My sister was nine…a little younger than you.”
Sister?
Ice runs through my veins. Rico never had a sister…did he?
“My parents went out to dinner, and I was supposed to be watching her,” he continues. “But she wanted to play with her dolls, and I wanted to play my video game, so I didn’t see any harm in us doing our own thing.” He pauses and screws up his eyes. I rub his back, guessing where this is going.
“It’s okay,” I whisper.
But he gnashes his teeth and shakes his head.
“I had my headphones on. I thought the fire alarm was part of my game. The only reason I stopped and took the headphones off was because I suddenly smelled smoke, and by then, the blaze was already in the hall outside my bedroom. I called for Emmy and tried to get to her room, but I couldn’t hear her, and the fire was too hot.
I figured she was downstairs and already made it out, so I went through my window, and… ”
“Oh, Rico,” I utter, my heart breaking for his younger self.
“They told me it was an electrical fault. Emmy…she died from smoke inhalation, at least, and not…well…”
I can’t imagine the horror of it all and I’m not sure what to say. How could I not have known this for so many years?
“My parents never directly told me it was my fault,” Rico continues heavily. “We all knew it was, though.”
“What?” I snap, leaning back to frown at him. If I’m not allowed to demonize myself, then neither is he. “It was an accident, and you were a kid, Rico. What were you supposed to do? If you’d jumped into that fire, you’d both have died, and—”
I can’t stop my words from choking off. The idea that he could have been lost that day as well destroys me.
“The world needs you,” I manage to force out. I need you. “Think of all the hundreds of people you’ve saved as a firefighter since. More, probably. I’m so incredibly sorry about your sister. But you can’t still be blaming yourself for a terrible tragedy that happened a couple of decades ago.”
He laughs hollowly. “My parents do,” he says quietly, his eyes closed again. “They never looked the same at me again. I don’t think they wished she’d lived and I died, but our relationship certainly flatlined that day. They can’t see me without thinking of her.”
“That’s not fair,” I insist stubbornly. “You suffered enough without them doing that to you as well.”
He simply holds me for a few moments before sighing and rubbing my back. “You didn’t deserve the way your parents gave up on you, either,” he says firmly. “Adam still hasn’t forgiven them for that, in case you didn’t know.”
I shrug, not as comfortable talking about me. “Yeah, but I did fuck up. A lot. I own that, now.”
Rico shakes his head and looks into my eyes with such intensity that I can’t turn away. “You’re their son,” he says fiercely. “Their love shouldn’t be conditional. Fuck them.”
I laugh, startled by his ferocity. He’s never criticized them out loud before, although I always suspected he felt like that. It’s nice to hear, even if I don’t entirely agree with him.
Except…they’ve never made me feel like I was worth fighting for. That’s the whole reason they sent me off to acting classes and auditions in the first place. They didn’t know how to handle all my energy and crazy ideas, so they hoped I’d become someone else’s problem.
Rico doesn’t treat me like that. Ever.
My heart sings, gazing at him as we lay in each other’s arms. “Are we done talking about the sad stuff now?” I murmur, ghosting my fingertips across his cheek. “Can we talk about the nice things?”
He nuzzles his nose against mine. “We can talk about whatever you want, Jesse.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, grateful that I just brushed my teeth seeing how close our faces are. “Okay, cards on the table. I like you so fucking much, but I never thought you’d like me back.”
“I do,” he interjects, and my heart somersaults.
“Yay,” I say with a grin, making him laugh. “And if that’s the case, I don’t want your sense of responsibility or my self-doubt to sabotage us anymore than they already have. I realize we’re already married, but…Rico?” He hums. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”
He laughs again before capturing my mouth and kissing me sensually.
My toes curl and my skin tingles in delight.
“I’d love to go on a date with you, Jesse,” he murmurs against my lips.
Considering all we’ve been through, him sounding excited to date me shouldn’t really be a surprise by this point.
But it still feels like fireworks going off in my chest.
The moment might have led to something more, except that’s when Klaus decides to crash the party by jumping on the bed and then stomping all over us as well.
We’re laughing too much to be mad, and a sensible part of my brain realizes it’s almost certainly a good idea to take things slowly between Rico and I when it comes to sex.
That always makes things more complicated, and our situation has been low-key insane from the moment we reunited in my apartment mere months ago.
But as we snuggle to try sleeping again—cuddling intentionally this time—Klaus hunkers down at our feet and a strong sense of rightness settles over me like a comforting, weighted blanket.
This feels like home. It feels like family.
I want to hold onto it and never let it go.
Given my track record, I’m not sure how likely that is.
But I’m damn well going to try.