Chapter 24
Rico
This night feels like it’s never going to end.
We’ve been battling this damn blaze for an hour, and it seems like we’re getting nowhere. Whatever’s in the wall insulation can’t be regulation, not the way this sucker is fighting us. I’m just grateful that the fire broke out after business hours. Half of these offices seem to be vacant anyway.
It’s still important that we get the flames under control as soon as possible so there’s no risk of any nearby premises catching light.
I’m sure there are going to be several bosses and managers with big headaches in the morning, but if all they have to worry about are logistics and insurance claims, that’s not so bad.
I know I’m irritable because I’m worrying about Jesse.
I haven’t even been able to speak to him, although Captain Valentine assured me that Drayton Hendrix picked him up from work just fine and dropped him home.
I’m extremely grateful that Dray was in the area and could get to Jesse so fast. But I really need to see him with my own eyes, and soon.
From what his boss said, some guy from one of Jesse’s AA meetings showed up and started causing trouble. That makes me uneasy on so many levels, and I’m not surprised it freaked Jesse out so much that Trixie felt the need to send him home. If it was enough to push Jesse into a relapse…
No. I need to stop thinking that way. There is always going to be something that stresses him out, and I have to trust that if it’s enough to possibly trigger him, he’ll talk to me.
Except I’m stuck here.
I can’t put that kind of pressure on myself, either. This is why he has options for meetings almost every hour of every day. He’s also hoping to find a sponsor soon that he can reach out to in times of crisis.
I’m trying not to let myself feel guilty about having the car as well.
Jesse was very clear how important it was for him to stand on his own and for us not to be so co-dependent.
We’ve already talked about how best to get him his own car.
His credit history is unfortunately terrible, but we’ve agreed that if I buy him something, we’ll set up a formal plan so he can pay me back.
Knowing we already have solid strategies like that in mind calms me somewhat.
And besides, tonight worked out just fine in the end.
I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t need to try and control everything in order to stop the world from falling apart.
Shit will happen. It’s inevitable. All I can do is support Jesse the best I can.
I’m lucky to have friends like Julian who will help me troubleshoot and Dray who will go out of his way to make sure the man I love gets home safe.
That brings a smile to my face. I pause a take a proper breath.
I do love Jesse, and he loves me. This relationship is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and even though we’re still in the very early days so far, I already know it’s strong enough to withstand all manner of hurdles and setbacks.
If Jesse ever does break his sobriety, I’ll be there to start day one with him again.
If some asshole upsets him, I’ll be there to protect him and, apparently, so will my friends.
That’s what marriage is all about, isn’t it? For better or worse?
Del’s voice comes over the coms, sounding weary. “Captain? Lieutenant? You better get down to the basement.”
I wasn’t even aware there was a basement. Lochlan and Anton lead the sweep. I’ve been focusing on the blaze, which is still going, but at least we’ve stopped it spreading for now.
Looking around, I already find Teddy approaching me, ready to take my hose. “We’ve got this, Lieutenant,” he tells me with a nod. “The stairs are that way.”
He points to our right, and I see the door. “Thanks, Foster.” I pat his shoulder and hastily head downstairs, not sure what I’m going to find down there.
“…just didn’t notice them,” Lochlan is saying as I make my way through the cluttered space. He sounds anguished, and as I round a set of filing cabinets, I see Yara squeezing his arm.
“You can’t blame yourself,” she’s telling him firmly. “They were hiding on purpose. I doubt anyone knew they were squatting down here.”
I slow down and take in the scene. Captain Valentine beat me to it and is crouched down by Del as they inspect three people laid together on a filthy mattress.
A partition wall like you see between office cubicles has been shoved to the side.
From the needles, baggies, and rubber tubing scattered around the disheveled cadavers, it’s obvious we’re looking at heroin overdoses.
My guts drop into my boots. When you’ve been on this job as long as I have, there’s just something that gives away a lifeless body immediately.
They have a finality about them. I look around at the basement, stuffed full with years’ worth of accumulated crap.
There are scorch marks in several areas of the ceiling as well as water damage from where we’ve been working hard to put out the fire.
“Cause of death?” I ask in trepidation.
Del shakes his head. “I’m not sure. Time of death is hard to tell with the heat from upstairs.
They could have all shot up from the same contaminated batch and passed before the fire even started.
The fumes from whatever crap is in the wall insulation could have affected them.
Or it could just be regular smoke inhalation.
We won’t know for sure until we get the autopsy reports from the M.E.
Pain lances through my chest. Smoke inhalation will never not make me think about my sister, but this situation is even more raw for me.
The only thing that separates Jesse from a fate like this is luck.
How many lines of coke has he snorted that could have been laced with fentanyl? How many times has he vomited in his sleep and could have choked to death?
What’s worse, though, is how I know I would have reacted to a scene like this only six months ago.
I would have been sad lives had been lost. But I would have privately been thankful it was ‘only junkies’ and not a family with kids.
Only junkies.
How many people have thought that way about Jesse over the years? How many people have judged him as being less for the circumstances he had little control over?
My beautiful, brilliant, compassionate, creative Jesse. One mistake like this and I never would have known him at all. What’s even crueler to think is that if Adam had told me the news, I would have been devastated for my friend, but deep down…
I would have assumed Jesse brought it on himself.
I can’t breathe.
We’re all still masked up as the blaze isn’t yet subdued, and the insulation is almost certainly hazardous. I paw at my face, stumbling backward toward the staircase.
“Lieutenant?” the captain calls out.
“I need some air,” I manage to utter before turning and running up the steps.
This is insane. I can’t lose my shit like this on a job.
I have to get it together for the sake of my team.
They are my number one responsibility. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my personal life.
My job is to protect the One-Thirteen and ensure that everyone makes it back to the house in one piece.
But I can’t do that if I’m having a panic attack.
I tumble out into the night and rip off my helmet and mask, sucking down deep breaths of cool air. My vision immediately stops spinning so much, so I just rest my hands on my knees and focus on slowing my spiraling thoughts.
Jesse’s fine. I’m fine. The squad is fine. If I go down a rabbit hole of morbid what-ifs, it’s going to take a hell of a lot to climb back out again.
“Rico?”
I straighten with a jolt, finding Julian standing in front of me. He’s got his mask and helmet under his arm and he’s regarding me in concern.
“Sorry, Captain,” I say, shaking my head. “That just got under my skin. I’ll be good in a minute.”
He steers me over to the closest rig and hands me a bottle of water from it. I twist the cap off eagerly and chug half of it in one go.
“The overdoses or the smoke inhalation?” he asks, because of course he knows all about my personal history as well as Jesse’s situation.
“Both,” I admit, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth. “It was all just too close to home. But I’m all right now.”
Julian looks back at the office building where the flames have thankfully mostly died down after us battling them for so long.
“Just take a beat and finish that water for me, okay?” he says, his gaze searching as he looks me over. “I’ve never seen you rattled like that.”
“Sorry, sir,” I mumble into the plastic bottleneck.
But he shakes his head. “Don’t apologize for being human.
I think it’s important to acknowledge, though, that some calls affect you differently when you’ve got someone in your life you truly love.
Might be worth chatting about with the doc in your next therapy session.
Better to understand it and be prepared. ”
I shake my head. “Most people have partners or families, Cap. I don’t see them freaking out all the time.”
“Not all the time, no,” Julian says with a tilt of his head. “But every now and again something gets everyone. You ever notice how I try and keep Quick away from calls with children? And Bell’s a wreck if there’s a dog involved.”
I don’t think any of us are okay with losing kids or pets. No casualties are acceptable. But Julian is right about those specific incidences sometimes tripping up Anton and Lochlan worse than others.
“We all have our Achilles’ heels,” the captain continues kindly. “It’s important we acknowledge them so we can manage them the best we can.”
I nod, sipping at the last of the water. “Yes, sir.”
“Come on,” he says, clapping me on the shoulder. “Let’s put the rest of this bastard out before the investigators get here. We don’t want them complaining we didn’t do our jobs correctly.”
I chuckle weakly and shake my head. “No, sir. We do not.”
Pre-dawn is on the horizon by the time we finally start packing up, leaving the battered building in the hands of the investigators.
We know the blaze started somewhere on the first floor, but from what we saw, the cause wasn’t obvious.
But there were some broken bottles lying around so it’s possible that alcohol could have been used as an accelerant.
Wouldn’t that be ironic?
Finding out doesn’t always matter. However, I know this one is going to gnaw at me until we get some more information.
That’s probably why I spend the rest of our shift wrapped up in my own thoughts, not entirely aware of what’s going on around me.
We get back to the station and set about cleaning and restocking the rigs.
In theory, we shouldn’t receive another call from Dispatch before the second watch arrives as they know we’ve been out all night.
But it doesn’t always work like that when you’re the only firehouse in a small town.
Thankfully, the universe cuts us some slack, and I’m finally hurrying out into the lot to drive home. I’m not sure if Cap said anything to the team or if I was projecting a shut down vibe, but nobody makes an effort to talk to me other than to offer a friendly goodbye as I pass.
I’m grateful. The only thing on my mind as I start my engine is how badly I need to make it home as quickly as possible.
It’s not a long journey, but time seems to drag as I hit the rush hour traffic, and all the stop lights feel like they turn red just for me.
Assholes. Finally, I make it back to my apartment building and almost forget to lock my car in my rush to get up to the fourth floor.
I don’t even bother to call the lift and just run up the stairs instead.
Given how my morning’s been so far, I wouldn’t trust it not to stall and leave me stranded between levels.
The place is quiet as I make my way through the front door. I’m guessing after the altercation last night, Jesse might still be asleep. So I slip off my shoes and tiptoe across to the bedroom, easing open the door.
There he is.
A sob of relief escapes my chest as I take in his sleeping form. Klaus is on top of the duvet snuggled up next to him, and he raises his head as I approach. “Good boy,” I murmur, leaning down to kiss the top of the dog’s head. “Guter Junge. Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn’t.”
Klaus watches as I quickly shimmy out of my jeans and carefully crawl under the covers. Jesse groans in his sleep. “Shh, baby. It’s okay,” I tell him as I wrap him in my arms.
Then another sob shudders out of me and hot tears leak down my cheeks. I bury my face in the pillow and try my best not to disturb him, but the floodgates have opened.
It doesn’t matter that my fears aren’t logical or that there isn’t any immediate danger. All I can think is that if I lose Jesse when I’ve only just found him, I don’t know what I’d do.
I don’t know how I’d survive.