Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Lauren
I’m certain Jax is about to close down. He has this look like he wants to run away, but slowly, that look fades. His eyes soften, and he leans toward me.
“Promise not to judge me?”
I nod, too eager to hear what he has to say.
“Not a soul knows this, so you should feel privileged.”
“What is it? Just tell me.”
He holds up a finger. “You can’t laugh.”
“I won’t.” I’m hanging off the edge of the booth now, my elbows resting on the table.
He spoons some ice cream, taking his time with it before he finally admits, “When I’m having a bad day, I like to watch Bachelor in Paradise.”
I bite my lip but epically fail at holding in my chuckle.
“You promised you wouldn’t laugh!”
“Actually, I didn’t promise anything.”
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, holding up his spoon. “At least let me explain myself before you judge me too much.”
“I’m not judging at all. I just didn’t expect it from you. Please go ahead and explain. I’d love to hear about why you love the show.”
“Love is a strong word.” He winces. “When we first came to Roots, my mom and Aunt Carol used to watch it together. I’d sit there with them, complaining the whole time, but they’d laugh and laugh at all the drama.
It was a breath of fresh air after coming out of some dark days back in Oklahoma.
Watching it reminds me that the bad days eventually end, and there will be good ones ahead. ”
I sit there, in awe. This is the first time Jax has spoken about what happened back in Oklahoma. I’m terrified I’ll say the wrong thing and scare him off. I want him to feel comfortable sharing more with me.
“That seems like a fair reason.” I nod, keeping my tone light.
My words don’t seem to be the right ones because he’s sitting rigid in the booth, looking completely freaked out from his moment of vulnerability.
Doing my best to steer the conversation in a lighter direction, I point my spoon at him accusingly.
“I’m a little suspicious of you only watching it on a bad day though.
There’s no way you could watch a few episodes, see all the drama, and casually set it aside. ”
A half smile creeps onto his face. “I swear. I’ll spend hours binging it, but then go months without watching it.”
“You’re a special kind of psychopath,” I say before taking another bite of my ice cream.
His lips quirk again, and this time, laughter breaks free, making me wonder when I last saw him display genuine joy like this. In high school, his smile in every picture was closed-lipped, and in those early days, it felt like he was trying to keep himself from being happy.
When did that change? Was his smile always this radiant? Maybe I was just too focused on the ranch, on Austin and keeping us together, that I didn’t pay Jax enough attention.
“Your turn.” He leans back in the booth, crossing his arms and watching me intently.
“I think you already summed me up earlier.”
“Come on. I know you’re so much more than that. There has to be something I don’t know about you.”
I dig into my dessert, searching for any remaining bites of cookie as my mind races with what to tell him. Finally, a thought hits me, and the words spill out before I think too hard about it.
“When I first took over the ranch, I didn’t want it.”
“Really?” He sets his spoon down. “But you seemed so excited, and you’ve done such a good job with it.”
“I know. I didn’t want to disappoint Austin or my parents. I guess you were right earlier about putting pressure on myself to be perfect.”
I chew on my lip, feeling vulnerable. I don’t want him to feel bad for me.
This is just my nature, so I rush to explain.
“Charlie was the troublemaker. He was the one who’d sneak out in high school and do all these stupid things that could’ve gotten him killed.
Then he chose a different life for himself and rejected the family, so I naturally felt like my role was to clean up after him and to try to make our family whole again.
To be the peacemaker.” I scrape a bit of fudge off the side of the sundae glass.
“When he left, I had to take the ranch. If I didn’t, I’d be killing a family legacy that’s lasted for generations. ”
“Why don’t you tell your parents? I know you want to keep the ranch in the family, but I’m sure there’s someone else who could step in.”
I realize then that Jax and I aren’t that different.
He likes to fix things too. Except, in this case, there’s nothing to fix.
“I came around to it. I’ve never had big career aspirations.
I did well in school, but I didn’t feel like any of it fit.
When I think about working a corporate job and climbing the ladder, it makes me queasy.
I was scared of the responsibility that comes with running Copper Hill, but once I stepped in on the ranch, I found ways to improve our systems, and I still have more ideas.
It gives me a sense of purpose, and now that Austin is gone, I truly have free rein to make this mine.
It’s all slowly starting to click, and I’m realizing that this is what I want. ”
“I can’t believe I didn’t notice before.”
“How would you have? I never told anyone, not even Austin.” His lips quirk the slightest bit at that, like he feels validated for getting an upper hand on Austin. “Like I said, I’m happy with how things are now.”
“What other things did you hide for the sake of your parents or Austin? Did you ever hide something from me?”
“What do you think? I’ve had no problem telling you how much I hate your stupid nickname for me.” I smirk, ignoring the way my gut is twisting at the thought of the big thing I’m hiding not just from Jax but from everyone.
“No need to emphasize it more.”
“I don’t think it hurts.” I give him a soft smile, and when he returns it, I feel just a little more at ease.
“Would it make you hate the nickname less if I told you why I call you Freckles?”
I shrug, but my curiosity is piqued.
“I know you think your freckles are these splotches on your face, but I love the way they fleck your nose and dust your cheekbones. They’re part of what makes you you. You’re gorgeous, Lauren. I love your freckles.”
My cheeks heat, and I quickly take a heaping bite of ice cream to avoid looking into Jax’s eyes.
I know if I do, I’ll wind up a melted puddle in this booth, and I’d prefer to finish the night with at least a shred of dignity.
Not to mention, I’m kind of curious where the rest of this conversation is going to go.
“All this time, I thought you called me Freckles because you knew how much I hated them. I thought you did it to bug me.”
“I hoped it’d help you appreciate them like I do, but I guess it didn’t quite work that way.”
“Maybe not before, but it might now that I know.” He gifts me a lopsided grin, and my stomach somersaults. So much for not turning into a puddle. “What else have you been holding back from me?”
He licks a dribble of ice cream off his upper lip, making my chest squeeze.
I don’t like the way I’m reacting to Jax right now.
I don’t want to have feelings for someone for a long time after what I went through with Austin.
I may have matured enough to recognize Austin was not the guy for me, but it doesn’t mean I’m ready to love someone else.
It doesn’t mean I’m secure enough in myself to put my heart out there again, especially not with a guy like Jax who is known for being a flirtatious commitment-phobe. This needs to stop.
“Nothing else that I can think of.” His cheeks turn pink, but my eyes must be deceiving me because there’s no way Jax Greer is the blushing type.
The conversation lulls, and I take it as an opportunity to pull us away from this more intimate territory we’re heading into.
“I think I need a do-over of my solo meal.”
“Really? You want to do it again?”
“Yeah, I don’t feel right about checking it off my list when I didn’t actually manage to.”
“I think this meal should count. You endured everything you needed to get out of the experience and then some in a very short amount of time.” He chuckles. “What else is still on your list?”
I pull out my phone, then swipe open to the picture I took of it. “Go to a concert, attend a conference, implement regenerative agriculture on the ranch, do something for me and no one else, and attend swing dance lessons at the bar.”
“What do you want to do next?”
“Swing dance lessons are bi-weekly.” I pop open my calendar app.
“I can’t make it this Tuesday or Thursday, but I can go the Thursday after that.
I’ll plan on attending then.” My eyes settle on another event on my calendar.
“Also, I did some research, and there’s a cattle conference being held early next month in Tulsa. ”
“Look at you, doing your research. This is great. Are you going to take your dad with you?”
My heart stops. I definitely can’t take Dad right now.
It’d be too much for him, but I don’t want to get into all of that with Jax, so instead I give him a little half-truth.
“Everyone in the ranching community knows him, so I’d end up completely ignored in the corner while he inadvertently steals the show. I have to go alone.”
He glances up from his sundae. “Are you planning on driving?”
“Of course. It’s only a five-hour drive. I don’t need to fly there.”
“Please don’t go alone. I know the drive isn’t that far, but the roads can be rough this time of year.”
“I’ll be fine. Like I said, if my dad comes, it’ll defeat the whole purpose of having that on the list.”
“Then I’ll go with you.”
I scrunch my nose. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. It’s good for you to do some things alone now, but you don’t need to be alone. I’ll come with you. It’ll be fun.”
A smile curves on my lips. I can’t help but look forward to this.