Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Lauren
His favorite color is the color of my eyes. Never has someone said something so sweet to me. I feel like I could walk on water after hearing those words.
Jax watches me, as if he’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what to say in this moment.
He not only shared some deeply personal elements of his life, but I think he just confessed to having feelings for me.
In a matter of minutes, he completely uprooted every belief I had about him and us.
He breaks eye contact with me, pulling my hands back to his face. “I don’t think you finished rubbing the moisturizer in. I can feel it here.” He points along his jaw.
I follow his guidance and note the unsteady nature of his hands.
It hits me that his world might’ve just been shaken as much as mine.
I doubt many people know the truth about Jax’s dad.
Hearing about his rough past makes me want to share something personal with him too. I want to show him he can trust me.
When I pull my hands away, Jax slides off the counter. “Can I do some of the steps for you?” He grabs the bottle on the counter as I nod.
When he squeezes the dropper, an absurd amount of gold syrup comes streaming out. Nervous laughter slips out as I quickly take it from him, sucking some of it back up.
As I will myself to be vulnerable with him, he swipes the serum on my face, using slow strokes and light pressure.
I close my eyes and revel in the feeling of being taken care of.
I don’t know the last time someone pampered me like this.
Heck, I don’t know the last time I let someone take care of me at all, but I like it, especially with Jax.
Despite his size, his touch is tender, warm, and caring.
His blue eyes are soft as he watches me, almost with a look of awe that makes me feel like the only woman in the world.
When he pulls his hands away, I rush my words out, closing my eyes as if that will keep the words from being true. “My dad is having heart problems.”
I can’t bring myself to look Jax in the eyes or to wait for his response.
I just keep word-vomiting. “That’s why I came to the bar alone a few weeks ago.
My dad fainted, so we took him to the emergency room.
According to the doctors, it’s just high blood pressure, but they’ve been running all kinds of tests to be sure.
He already has a decent diet and gets plenty of exercise, but the ranch puts a lot of weight on him.
He needs to reduce his stress and make some changes, or he can have a serious heart attack.
” I glance down at the floor. I feel emotions rising inside of me, and I can see pity in Jax’s eyes.
I’m not telling him this so he’ll comfort me; I’m supposed to be showing him I value his trust.
I quickly add, “I know it could be worse. We caught things in time to make changes and do some digging.” But it’s still terrifying.
Reducing Dad’s stress means almost no work on the ranch, and he’s having a heck of time letting go.
In the occasional times he does, I swear he’s losing the essence of who he is.
It makes me think about what it’d be like to lose him, and I can’t.
I love my whole family, but I’ve always connected more with Dad and Charlie.
Charlie already left. I can’t take losing my dad too.
Then there’s the pressure I’m putting on myself to care for the ranch and make all of Dad’s sacrifices worthwhile. It’d be selfish to complain about having to take care of things on my own when Dad needs rest to prioritize his health, but it’s still so heavy.
I prop myself on the counter, trying to clear my head. If I let myself marinate for too long, I might accidentally cry in front of Jax, which is the last thing I want.
“Thank you for sharing with me.” Jax grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to.”
“For what it’s worth, your dad is the strongest mother trucker I’ve ever seen. Nothing can take that man down or steal his essence.”
His avoidance of using the actual word puts a half-hearted smile on my face. “You’re right about that. He is a very strong mother trucker.”
“I know you two are close, and I can only imagine how scary it must be to learn the person you’ve always looked up to has an Achilles heel. Knowing you, you’re probably turning your responsibility for the ranch into a burden you have to carry alone now.”
Curse him for knowing me so well. I thought I was doing a better job of hiding it.
Jax makes a point of meeting my gaze as he adds, “I’m here for you, and when you need someone to hold you or make you smile, I’ll be there.”
My mind swirls as Jax squeezes my hand tightly, and I try to grasp everything that just happened, all the comfort and kindness he just provided me with. It’s astounding how much peace he can bring me after I felt so defeated moments ago. How on earth is Jax Greer still single?
He must see my wheels turning because he narrows his eyes. “What’s going through your mind right now, Freckles?”
“Why have you never been in a real relationship?” Shadows cross over his face until I continue. “You’re sweet, handsome, and funny. Why not share that with someone? Why just have strings of uncommitted relationships?”
He lets go of my hand, stepping back. “I’ve never seen the point.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Leaning against the counter, he sighs. “Do you really want to know?”
I nod, anticipation filling me.
“I’ve never felt good enough. My whole life, I’ve been told the Carter men are nothing but trouble. My grandpa was an addict, and he cheated on his wife. My dad’s vice was gambling, but it destroyed our family just the same.”
He pauses, but I remain silent, giving him the room to keep going.
“When I was younger, I was afraid of being like the two of them. I was terrified of being an addict and destroying my family if I was lucky enough to have one. I was so scared of the monsters that came before me I didn’t realize I was turning into one myself every time I cowered in fear instead of standing up for my mom.
People in town look at me with pity because of my past, but the people who know me best know the truth.
They know I only hurt those I love. Everyone is better off without me. ”
The pain in his eyes and brokenness in his voice splits my heart in two.
“Jax, you seriously think that’s how people look at you? Even the people you love?”
“I know they do.” He turns around, collecting my scattered bottles from the counter and neatly placing them in my bag. “I can brush off the things some outsider in town says, but I’ll never forget the things the people I love have said.”
“There has to be some sort of misunderstanding. You’re a good man.
You always have been. Even when we were younger and you annoyed me, I still recognized you were a great friend to Charlie and a supportive son and nephew.
Now, you’re helping me with the ranch and pushing me to do all these wonderful things I wouldn’t have done on my own.
I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for you and your refusal to kiss me that terrible night a few weeks ago. ”
He turns back to me. “That was the hardest thing I’d ever done.”
“What?” My voice is shaky as I slip off the counter. I think I know what he means, but I have to be certain.
He steps closer, his warmth swarming my body. His presence scrambles my brain, and out of instinct, I reach out to him, grabbing fistfuls of his T-shirt.
“Choosing not to kiss you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.” His words are barely above a whisper, but they echo down my spine.
Tilting his head down slightly, his blue-eyed gaze latches on to mine as he wraps an arm around my waist. The stampede of horses in my chest greets me once again.
I take another half step closer to him so that we’re toe-to-toe. “Then why didn’t you kiss me?”
“You weren’t ready.”
“I’m ready now,” I whisper.
He searches my face. “Lauren—”
“I’m not trying to bury my feelings or get back at Austin.
This isn’t even about checking off another item on my list. I just really want to kiss you.
” So badly. I want to know how his lips taste, how his hands will feel in my hair.
I want to bask in the glorious feeling Jax gives me whenever we’re together. “Is that okay?”
“That’s more than okay,” he says, sounding almost pained, like he’s physically restraining himself.
We’re both breathing heavily as we stare at each other in anticipation. He brushes a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “You’re sure?”
“More than ever.”
He drops his hand to just below my chin, tilting it up ever so slightly, and then brings his lips to mine.