Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lauren
The truth is, I’m exhausted, and I don’t have time to rest. I wake up before five most mornings and spend several hours doing research, making sure all of our records are up to date, and finalizing our cover cropping plan.
By six or seven, I’m out in the fields with the cowboys, moving cattle, mending fences, or tending to a sick calf.
When I finally come home, I barely have the energy to cook before I fall asleep on the couch, and on the days I have free time, I fill all the little cracks with time spent with Jax, Callie and Olivia, or my parents.
If I told Jax that, he’d probably feel guilty for taking my time, but I want to spend time with him.
Unfortunately, indulging in time with the people I love also means I don’t have any to spend alone.
I haven’t even picked up the books Jax bought me in Tulsa, and I feel terrible about it.
Nevertheless, I don’t know that I want the free time.
I can’t get my brain to turn off long enough to enjoy it.
I’d just sit there reading the same page over and over again, ruminating on the fact that I should be working on my plans to make sure we’re ready to implement regenerative ag this spring.
Ultimately, it’s much better for me to spend all my time busy. This way I’m either working on things I need to get done or spending time with people whose company is enough to temporarily distract me from the things that need to get done.
It’s torture not letting Jax in, but it’s for his own good.
He’s done so much to help me since we created that list. I can’t stand the thought of unloading on him.
It’d be like telling him that everything he’s done for me is a waste because I’m still drowning.
I care for him too much to let him think that when I’m the problem.
I need to figure out how to balance my life on my own.
I’m grateful for his support in everything I do, but I don’t want our relationship to be about Jax fixing me.
“How long have you felt like this?” He breaks my thoughts, and I look up at him.
“Like what?”
“I see the exhaustion on your face. If you won’t tell me the extent of it, at least tell me how long you’ve felt this way.”
“I don’t know. Several months. I don’t want to talk about it.”
His eyes look sad, almost desperate, when he asks, “Why?”
It’s then I realize that not sharing what’s going on might be hurting him too. I need to give him something. “I don’t talk about my problems.” I shrug. “It doesn’t do anyone any good. I just need to put my head down and work.”
“You need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. It’s not good to keep everything bottled up.” He rubs my back.
“It’s worse to express it all. When I tried talking with Austin about it, he’d only remind me that he was dealing with similar stresses and was managing okay.”
“That was Austin. He’s an asshole!” His voice has a sharp edge that draws my attention immediately, but when he turns toward me, his voice softens again. “He had no right to invalidate your feelings like that. If you say you’re tired and overwhelmed, it’s no one’s place to tell you you’re not.”
I nod.
“I’m not him. I want to know how you’re feeling.”
I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear someone say that. The overwhelming sense of validation causes a tear to slither down my cheek. No. No. No. No. No.
I quickly swipe it away. “Gosh, I’m sorry. I’m ruining our date. I don’t want you to worry about me, okay? That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
Something that almost looks like relief fills his eyes. “So it’s not that you don’t trust me?”
“Of course not. You’re wonderful.”
A dopey smile settles on his lips. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to express emotion in front of me.
” He gently swipes another tear from my cheek.
“I know you want to spend time together, but I’d be a terrible boyfriend if I let all of this go and didn’t work with you to find a way to get you some quality self-care time, so wait right here and give me five minutes. I’m going to help you relax.”
“No, it’s o—” But he’s already gone.
As promised, Jax returns after ten minutes, a giant grin on his face.
When he grabs my hand, drawing me toward my bedroom, I can’t help but ask, “What’re you up to, Grinchie?”
“Is that really what you landed on?”
“No, but I like the way it makes you scrunch up your nose.” I tap his nose. “It’s endearing.”
“I guess I’ll have to try to stop scrunching my nose,” he says, involuntarily scrunching it again and making me laugh.
When we reach the doorway of my bathroom, he pauses, letting me take in the scene before me.
The bathroom light is off, but a couple of my tea light candles line a full bubble bath.
My book rests on the ledge of the tub along with my Bluetooth speaker.
The room smells like my lavender essential oil too.
“I’m impressed.” I turn to him. “You threw all of this together in ten minutes? How’d you know what to do with the essential oils?”
“I didn’t, but Google had some tips.”
“This is incredible. Thank you.” I pull him toward me, giving him a tender kiss.
“Okay, you better stop that or I’m not going to want to leave you alone, which defeats the whole purpose of this.” He pulls away from me. “This is your time. Don’t think. Just let yourself be. None of your problems matter right now. We’ll deal with them tomorrow, okay?”
I give him a soft nod. I don’t know how he manages to do that, but his words are really comforting. I actually believe them, and I think I can put aside the chaos in my mind for a few moments to let myself relax.
I sink into the tub, opening my book to the first page.
I don’t come out until the water is cold and I’m about forty pages into my book.
Jax is fast asleep on my bed, his phone resting on his chest. I can tell he fought hard to stay awake for me.
I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I’m not going to waste this.
I remember Olivia and Callie’s advice, and it hits me that I can’t expect our relationship to go anywhere if I don’t open up to him, and gosh, do I want it to go somewhere because my feelings for Jax are awakening parts of me I didn’t even know existed.
With him, I’m somehow funnier and kinder and better.
He makes my smile brighter and my laugh deeper.
At the end of the day, I know Jax will support me no matter what because it turns out the right person will be there to lift me up instead of tear me down.
I can’t believe I almost settled for less.
“This cold front just came out of nowhere. We’ve had such a mild winter this year.” Cooper, one of our newest cowboys, brushes his hands off.
“We should’ve prepared for this anyway,” I say, lugging the heater to the corner of the barn. “We should always be prepared.”
“This isn’t on you.” Rhett touches my shoulder.
His eyes are earnest, but his touch is stiff.
I don’t think he’s used to comforting anyone besides Olivia.
“None of us thought to plan ahead for this. We still have time to get it sorted out before the freezing temperatures hit tomorrow evening. We’ll be fine. ”
“But I’m the one in charge now. I have all sorts of lists organized. I did research on emergency prevention before I took over the ranch. I knew we were supposed to prepare for this.” I sit down on a bale of hay, placing my head in my hands. “How did I let this slip my mind?”
“You’ve had a lot on your plate. It shouldn’t all be on you.
That’s what I’m here for.” Rhett draws back, standing taller.
Since Austin left the ranch, he’s taken over as head cowboy.
As much as I’d love to have full control over the ranch, I quickly realized I can’t do it all, especially not up to my standards.
If I’m going to trust anyone, it would be Rhett.
He loves what he does, and he’s great at it.
“You’re sure your dad can’t help with this?” Waylon asks.
“I told you, he’s busy.” The words come out in a growl, which immediately floods me with guilt. Waylon doesn’t deserve that. He’s sweet and has a heart of gold. It’s just that my dad doesn’t need the stress of managing the ranch.
I stand, joining Waylon by the water tank. “We need to learn how to do things without him anyway.”
I nearly choke on the words as they come out, but it’s true.
Someday, my dad won’t be around. Ideally, it’ll be that he’s able to retire from the ranching business.
He’s been doing well, and the doctors are optimistic his lifestyle changes can help decrease his blood pressure and resolve the issues he was having, but they also warned us he has to stick with these changes or his condition will worsen.
As much as I hate it, today only shows we always need to plan for the unexpected.
“The good news is this heater should last a couple years,” Rhett says, giving me a kind smile. He must sense how tense I am right now. I’ll feel better when I know this is taken care of and I can enjoy my dance lessons with Jax tonight.
Cooper and Waylon work on the heater while Rhett and I line insulation along all the pipes. We want to make sure the water line doesn’t freeze. We only have two tanks for the whole herd, and if one goes, there’s no good way to make sure the cattle are all taken care of.
Bang! The two men on the water tank shuffle around as a surge of water sprays out.
“Shit!” Waylon shouts, stepping back and throwing his hands up in the air.
“Don’t just stand there! Turn the water off,” Cooper hollers at him.
In an instant, Rhett and I are standing over the top of them taking in the scene.
“What the hell happened?” Rhett growls.
“We punctured the tank.”
“I thought you said this would be easy to install.”
“It’s supposed to be,” Cooper says sheepishly.
“Is the heater still okay to use?”
Cooper bites his cheek.
“No, this thing is toast,” Waylon announces, looking grim.
“What about the water tank?”
“We can try to patch it, but no guarantees it’ll be effective.”
“Oh my god.” I suck in a breath. This isn’t happening. “There’s no way we can get another heater on such short notice.”
“We can drive out somewhere. I’ll drive all night if I have to,” Waylon offers.
“No one is going anywhere until we know where we can find a heater. There’s no sense in sending you out on a wild goose chase.” I swivel on my heel, already making a mental list of places that might be able to help. “I’ll make some calls.”
I step out of the barn, calling everyone I know to see if they have a spare heater. No luck. I call all the local stores followed by the ones I know of within an eight-hour drive. Nothing.
Overwhelm swirls inside of me, and instead of calling stores farther out, I call the only person I know who can make this better.