Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Lauren
Once Lucky and Charlie’s horse, Tex, are tacked up, we head out onto the trails, silence falling over us for most of the way up.
I’m grateful for the quiet company. It allows me to enjoy this moment with someone I care for deeply while still getting to soak up the feeling of riding Lucky for a reason besides work for the first time in years.
When we’re about five minutes from the end of the trail, I break the silence. “My dad and I used to come out here every Sunday before family breakfast.”
“That sounds nice. Why’d you stop?”
I shrug. “Life got busy, and I forgot what was important to me.”
“Were you always close with your dad?”
“Yeah.” I turn my gaze out to the horizon, which is slowly coming to life with the rays of the golden sun.
“We were buddies from the start. He used to nap in his recliner with me on his chest, and I’d follow him around everywhere.
There’s a picture of me when I was three, marching around in a pair of his boots and his cowboy hat. I wanted to be just like him.”
Jax and Tex trot up next to me. “How have I not seen that? I need to see that picture.”
“No, you don’t. It’s embarrassing.” Trying to redirect his attention, I add, “I love my mom, of course, and we’ve shared bonds over rom coms and her sunflower garden, but Dad and I always had a special connection.
When I had a crush on a boy in the seventh grade and found out he was going out with someone else, Dad was the one I talked to about it.
It’s weird, but, somehow, we’ve always understood each other. ”
I fight back the emotions clenching at my chest. “We got even closer when Charlie left because we bonded over the ranch. He’s taught me everything I know.”
“Is he the one who taught you how to bluff in poker like no one’s business?”
I shake my head. “No, he’s the one who taught me bluffing can’t be taught. It’s a skill you’re born with.”
He joins me in my laughter as we reach the summit—“summit” being a bit of a stretch considering how flat Roots is, but we’re still at a higher elevation than when we started. Instead of staying there to take in the view, Lucky and I lead the way off the trail we’ve been following.
Jax leans to the side, peering around me. “Where are we going?”
“I want to show you my spot.”
“Your spot?”
I nod. “No one else knows about this.”
I swear that makes him sit up a little taller as we trek through the trees on the backside of the hill. After a couple more minutes of winding through the oaks into seeming nothingness, I stop.
“Here we are.”
It’s been years since I’ve been up here, but everything is just like I remembered it.
The tree trunk I turned into a makeshift bench is still here.
The initials I carved in one of the oaks years ago when I claimed this spot as mine managed to weather years’ worth of storms. Even my tin lunchbox, full of emergency essentials, is still stashed below one of the tree roots.
I slide off Lucky, ready to open the box and reminisce, but before I can start unpacking it, Jax slides off Tex and grabs me by the waist, guiding me toward the bench.
“What’re you doing?”
He tugs me down to sit next to him, holding me close.
“Tell me what you see, smell, feel, and hear. If we’re going to come out here to watch the sun rise, I want you to take a moment to truly appreciate it.
It’s something my mom used to do with me after—” He clears his throat and drops his voice low.
“After things with my dad turned sour. It helped ground me. I thought maybe you’d enjoy it too as someone who is constantly going, going, going. ”
I nod, inhaling a deep breath. “I see the sun’s rays coming over the horizon.
It makes it look almost like there’s an end to the earth.
I see a patch of mistflowers that looks like a purple ocean out by what will be paddock twelve, and I see the light filtering through the clouds.
Nana always said that the golden clouds in a sunrise and sunset were made that way by all our loved ones looking down at us. ”
“I like that.”
“Me too.” I catch on his blue-eyed gaze, noting the navy rim that surrounds the notes of gold in them. His sandy-blond hair is slightly askew as it sticks out the edges of his cowboy hat because he rolled out of bed this morning, but it only makes him look more charming and approachable.
“Okay, enough of what you see.” He drags me out of my trance. “Close your eyes. What do you hear, feel, and smell?”
I follow his orders and try to focus on my other senses.
The first thing I notice is Jax clinging to me in a way that makes me feel safe.
His cedar scented soap wraps around my nose like a hug while his soft breathing mixes with the sound of a restless Lucky and a determined woodpecker in the distance.
There’s a tiny part of me that feels like I need to do this exercise on my own.
I appreciate all the ways Jax has been there for me, but I also need to have some moments of growth without him, so I sit there quietly, basking in his warm and gentle touch and his intoxicating smell.
I listen to his steady breathing and note how my own breathing slowly matches his.
After several minutes, I say, “Thank you. I needed that.”
“I just want to make sure my girl gets some down time to enjoy the beauty of life.”
My lips curve into a smile. “Can I show you something?”
“Of course.”
I get up from the bench, pull the tin lunch box from its hiding spot, and open it up to reveal a stale granola bar, a box of tissues, a picture of me and Charlie I stashed up here after he moved to LA, and something else I had forgotten was up here, something I didn’t have the heart to get rid of.
I gingerly pull the colorful bunch of beads out from the box and lift it for Jax to see. “Do you remember this?”
He slips off the bench, squinting as he walks toward me. He reaches his hand out to look at the bracelet closer.
“It’s my lucky bracelet.”
I nod. “You remember when you gave it to me?”
His piercing eyes meet mine, and I can see everything swirling inside them as he tries to make sense of all of this.
“Of course I remember.” He twirls the beads in his hand. “You really kept it? All this time?”
I shrug, feeling extremely vulnerable. I didn’t plan on showing him. I forgot it existed until this very moment. “I just didn’t want to get rid of it.” I release a shaky breath. “I mean, it brought you a lot of luck that season.”
“Oh.”
Never mind the fact that I had a minor crush on him when he came to town, but nothing ever happened between us, and then Austin came along, and Jax went from being my brother’s cute friend to my brother’s annoying friend.
When I started dating Austin, I spent less time with him, and when we were together, it was almost like a switch had flipped. Jax ruthlessly picked on me.
“So, this is your special spot?” He spins around, taking it all in.
“Yeah, I used to come up here when I wanted some space to clear my head. It’s hard to feel overwhelmed when I’m removed from everything like this. It felt like all my responsibilities faded away here because no one knew where I was. If no one could find me, no one could ask anything of me.”
“Do you still feel that way?” He places his hands in his back pockets. “Like everyone is asking too much of you?”
I bite my lip, moving back to the trunk bench. “I think now I’m the one asking everything of myself, if that makes sense.”
He nods, joining me. “Did the other night help? With the bath? Or last night when we all came to help?”
“A little.” I squeeze his thigh and give him a smile. “I don’t think I’ll change overnight, but I’m learning I don’t have to tackle everything alone. It showed me there are ways to find help and get rest.”
“If you ever want to talk about it more. I’m here for you.”
My heart jumpstarts in my chest. I haven’t always had this kind of steady support in my life.
Charlie has been there for me more and more recently, but he’s still so far away.
I’ve always been close with my dad, but his recent health condition has shifted our dynamic.
I’m afraid of telling him anything, afraid of burdening him.
Knowing Jax is there for me makes me feel…
everything, almost too much. My feelings for Jax are building so fast and so deep.
It’d be terrifying if his presence weren’t so calming.
Jax pulls me into his arms. “Thank you for sharing your spot with me. It means a lot.”
I press on a closed-lip smile, afraid I’m going to blurt out exactly how I feel, but I can’t.
It’s too soon. We just started this thing between us.
Am I really capable of feeling all of these things already?
My brain says no, but my heart isn’t convinced.
It wants to give Jax a piece of me after everything he’s done to advocate for me and push me to be a version of myself I’m proud of.
“I haven’t been here in a while,” I finally say.
“It felt selfish to come up here once Charlie left and the weight of the ranch fell on my shoulders, but more recently, someone has showed me that it’s okay to take a moment for myself.
” I slide a soft smile his way. “Even then, I didn’t feel the need to come up here. ”
His eyes narrow in confusion, and I inhale a sharp breath, bracing myself to get as close to the truth as possible.
“I haven’t felt the need to come up here because every time I’m with you, you give me the same feeling this place once did. You wash away the weight of all my responsibilities, and you bring me peace every time you wrap me in your arms. So, thank you.”
There’s a hint of relief in his eyes that catches me off guard before he embraces me tightly. “Freckles, I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
He pulls me in for a tender kiss, but when he draws away, there are shadows in his eyes that make me think he’s holding something back.
There’s a brief moment when the look reminds me of Austin.
He used to give me that same feeling—the fear that he’s hiding something from me, the helplessness that I can’t get him to openly speak his mind and share his feelings.
Fear washes over me, but I ground myself again with the touch of his lips and the feeling of his fingers splayed out on my waist. Jax isn’t Austin. I know that. These feelings are just in my head. I hope.