Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jax
“What’s all that noise?” Charlie asks.
Lauren moves quickly, shoving me into her closet and closing the door. As I’m thrust into the darkness, I trip over her shoes, unfortunately adding to the noise.
On the other side of the door, I can still make out slightly muffled voices.
“What’s up?” Lauren sounds guilty as hell as she swings her door open. I can already picture Charlie narrowing his brows at her in suspicion. Come on, Freckles! This is not how I want him to find out.
“I heard something. Thought I’d check on you.”
“You still don’t trust that I’m okay, huh?”
“No, that’s not it. I just could’ve sworn I heard someone else.” Charlie’s voice grows louder like he’s stepped into her room. “It sounded like you were hurt.”
“Oh, I was just going through my to-do list for tomorrow. I like to say it all out loud. Then I stubbed my dang toe on my dresser.”
There’s prolonged silence. I can only assume Charlie is staring her down, trying to determine whether he should believe her.
“You said you don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying to you. The noise you heard was me bumping into my dresser. I’m fine.”
“You’ve been acting a little weird since I got home. Is there something in the water here?”
Lauren laughs, all high-pitched and nervous. How on earth did she think it’d be a good idea to keep our relationship a secret when she’s clearly terrible at it?
“Don’t be ridiculous, Char.” She moves across the room. “I’m really tired and have a lot to do tomorrow, what with the festival and all, so I’m going to hit the hay.”
Charlie’s husky sigh could be heard all the way across town. “I opened up to you tonight, but you’re still hiding something from me. That hurts.”
My heart breaks on Lauren’s behalf.
Strained silence fills the room, and the walls of Lauren’s closet do nothing to cut the tension.
“You’re making more out of this than it is. I’m fine. I need to go to bed. Good night.”
There’s defeat in his voice as Charlie moves toward Lauren’s door. “Night.”
When Lauren opens her closet for me, there’s pain in her eyes, and it hits me then that there’s something else there too. I don’t know how I missed it before. She looks exhausted.
Without saying a word, I pull her toward the bathroom, and for perhaps the first time ever, she doesn’t resist. I set her on the edge of the tub and braid her hair like I’ve been practicing, taking my time.
Then I rummage through her bathroom cabinet, pulling out her face wash and the rest of her skincare.
Despite wanting to take care of her more, I give her the space to do it herself, a morsel of control I can tell she needs in this moment. It isn’t until she’s rubbing the last of her moisturizer into her skin that she speaks. “I think the secret-keeping is the hardest with Charlie.”
I settle onto the ledge of her bathtub. “The ball is in your court. If you want to march over there right now and tell him what’s going on, I’ll handle whatever consequences there might be.”
“I appreciate that. I do.” She drops her head. “I just feel safer keeping things a secret. It keeps everyone else’s opinion out of our relationship, and I’ve realized it gives me some semblance of control.” She tucks herself into my chest, whispering, “I want to be ready.”
“It’s okay. You don’t need to be ready yet.” I rub her back gently. “We’ll figure it out.”
“How can you be so calm about this?” She pulls back to look at my face. “He’s your best friend. This can’t be easy for you either.”
“It’s not, but I know it’s not forever. We’ll tell him eventually. Right now, I’m trying to focus on you. I can tell something else is eating at you besides what Charlie said.”
She sags. “You can tell?”
“I notice every little thing about you, Freckles.”
That brings a soft blush to her cheeks, which I press my lips to. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She drops her gaze, not making eye contact with me. “I’m tired. I have a lot to get sorted out for the festival tomorrow. I’m sorry, but we should probably go to bed.”
I can’t help but feel disappointed. “I know something is bugging you. I can see it. Why won’t you let me in? Don’t you see I want to be here for you? I want to care for you through the good and the bad, mess and all. You’ve done that for me.”
“Not like this.” She scrambles out of my lap. “I don’t want to hide things from you, but there’s a reason I keep my feelings to myself, Jax. Sharing them has never done me well.”
“Why not?”
She holds out her hand, ticking each reason on her fingers.
“I’ve had to hide my problems from Charlie because I’m proud of him for going after what he wanted, and I don’t want him to feel guilty.
I’ve hidden my feelings from Austin because he didn’t give me the kindness and care I needed.
I’ve pretended like my dad is fine because he’s too stubborn to admit he has a problem that could slow him down. ”
Now we’re starting to get somewhere. “You’ve been there to pick me up when I’ve had a bad day.
You’ve seen past my family’s messy history and my reputation and shown me there’s someone out there who thinks I’m a good man.
Just let me in, please. I want to be there for you.
I promise telling me won’t change the way I think about you.
It won’t burden me. It’ll just mean I can be there for you in your time of need. ”
“Won’t that turn me into a burden?”
“No, I want to help you.” I stand up, taking her hands in mine. “Plus, it’ll feel good to let someone in, to stop hiding things from the people you care about.”
Something I said, or perhaps the desperation in my voice, resonates with her because she looks back up at me, wincing the slightest bit. “I’m overwhelmed. You were right. I’ve been trying to be everything for everyone, and I’m starting to think I’m not good enough to manage it all.”
In an instant, I’m dragging her to out of her bathroom and sitting us both down on the edge of her mattress. “Not good enough? Don’t you dare say something so ridiculous.”
“It’s true. I’m not doing a good job with the ranch, as proven by the heater incident. It took the help of three more people who don’t even work for the ranch to get that situation sorted out because I didn’t plan ahead.”
She turns her gaze from me. “Before you showed up, I made my to-do list for tomorrow, and it turns out it’s a mile long.
I knew I was going to have a booth for the festival and that I’d need to prepare, but I haven’t had a second to breathe, let alone do all the things I should be doing to make sure it’s a meaningful contribution to the ranch. ”
She chews on her lip, her body tensing. “As I was realizing how behind I am, Olivia called me and asked if I could look after a puppy who just got stitches and needs a safe place to recover. I couldn’t say no.” She turns back to me, her eyebrows raised like she’s asking for my understanding.
I pat her leg in reassurance, and she barrels on in a hushed tone so as not to alert Charlie again.
“The cherry on top of it all is that my brother wants to know what’s going on in my life, but I’m lying to his face, telling him I’m fine.
I didn’t mean to lie. I thought it was true, but, really, I miss him, and I wish he still lived here.
I wish he could help with the ranch, and sometimes I think he would’ve been better at running Copper Hill than me. ”
She throws her arms up in exasperation. “Plus, I’m secretly dating his best friend, which I know is going to crush him when he finds out because it’s already too late to tell him without hurting him.
I should’ve told him from the start, but I’m too chicken, and I know you want to tell the world about us, but I’m here clinging to the safety of secrecy, so I guess that makes me both a bad sister and a bad girlfriend. ”
The look of defeat on her face physically pains me to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be overwhelmed by so many responsibilities, but I am familiar with the pain of thinking no matter what you do, you’re not going to be enough. I hate that she believes her best isn’t good enough.
Bringing my hands to her face, I say, “I need you to listen to me, okay?”
She nods.
“It’s okay to accept help. It doesn’t make you weak.
Being unable to juggle a million things at one time doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.
It means you’re human. No one could handle the amount of things you have on your plate all alone.
The fact that you’ve made it this far actually proves you’re superhuman. ”
I pull away with a gentle smile. “Do you prefer Superwoman or Wonder Woman? Maybe Black Widow? She’s kind of badass, and I wouldn’t mind seeing you in that tight leather suit.”
She bumps me with her elbow, a laugh slipping from her lips. “Jax!”
“Oh, sorry. I guess I’m getting a little off track.” Except I’m not. I needed to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I can’t take seeing her doubt herself. She needs to know how incredible she is.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“I’m not even close to done, Freckles. You’re surrounded by people who worship the very ground you walk on, myself included, so don’t be afraid to ask them for help.
It’s not a sign of weakness.” I pin her with a look.
“It’s hard to open up, but I promise it’s worth it.
Now tell me one thing I can do to help.”
“Could you and Charlie set up the booth tomorrow? If you get the table set up, that’ll give me time to create and print everything I need.”
“I was already planning on it.”
She traces lazy circles on my chest. “Okay, then can you also convince Charlie to cover for another thirty minutes, so I can sneak around the festival with you?”
“I would love nothing more than to sneak around the Christmas festival with the Queen of Christmas herself.”
“I’m looking forward to it, Grinchie.”
Laughter slips from my lungs, and I press another kiss to her forehead. “Thank you for opening up to me. It’s okay to want to keep a little bit of control and to guard your heart. It’s smart of you to, but I’m going to prove to you I’m worthy of sharing control with.”
Her smile turns me into a puddle. I’m so far gone for Lauren.
There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to get just the smallest hint of a smile from her.
I’d let her call me Grinchie for the rest of my life if it meant hearing that musical laughter pour out of her.
I’d braid her hair every night and let her drunkenly do her skincare routine on me if it meant she’d look at me with that dopey, loving glow in her eyes that I’ve come to adore.
Being loved by Lauren would be the greatest honor of my life, and I hope someday soon she’ll let down her walls enough to get there. Until then, I’ll keep fighting for her.