Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Jax
Why does my past always have to haunt me? Just when I think I’m moving on, something reminds me of the darkness I’m trying to leave behind. Today, it was a letter from my dad. In over nine years, we haven’t heard anything from him, but now he’s sending letters to Aunt Carol’s house. What the hell?
I do my best to keep my focus on Lauren. Today is supposed to be all about her, but it’s hard not to run the words from the letter over and over again in my mind.
“Welcome to the eighty-seventh annual Roots Christmas tree lighting!” the mayor announces, bringing me back to the present. Thank y’all for coming. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, this ceremony is about sharing in the magic of the season. Will y’all help me count down?”
I keep my gaze on Lauren, willing away any thoughts of the letter. Her eyes blaze with excitement as music starts and the mayor leads the countdown. “Five!”
“Four!” The rest of the town has joined in by now. “Three! Two! One!”
The tree lights up in an array of dazzling colors. Tinsel and custom-made ornaments, one for each year the festival has been celebrated, glimmer as the light bounces off them. The crowd bursts with excitement, hugging one another and laughing.
The lights give Lauren’s blonde hair a reddish tint on one side and a green tint on the other.
Her hazel eyes are sparkling in a way that tells me everything that went into making this small moment between us work was well worth it.
She nudges me with her shoulder, a smile creeping onto her lips, which I can tell is her subtle way of telling me she’s happy I’m here with her.
As the excitement slowly wears off, and the crowd disperses, Lauren turns to me abruptly. “We need to find a quiet place. I have a surprise for you.”
My heart skips. I don’t think I can take another surprise today.
Callie squeezes between the two of us. “So, I guess my part is over?”
“Thank you, Cal.” Lauren wraps Callie in a hug. “Don’t worry. Jax owes me a shift at the booth still, so I’ll come find you in a bit.”
“I’m holding you to that.” Callie points her finger at us and raises her brows.
Lauren giggles and leads the way as we weave through the crowd, keeping an eye on each other while trying not to make it obvious we’re sneaking off.
When Lauren takes a sharp right turn between two of the buildings, I glance around and follow her. It isn’t until we’re safely behind them and winding down a path in the tall grass behind that I ask, “Do you know where we’re going?”
“Olivia did a little research. She said this trail should take us behind some trees and completely out of the way from everyone.”
The path we are on is hardly one at all. It’s a clearing in the knee-high grass that’s maybe a foot wide.
“Are you sure this is the kind of surprise I’ll enjoy?” I do my best to keep my voice light. “I’m kind of fond of my life, so I don’t think I’d like to be murdered.”
She laughs. God, I needed to hear her laugh. I swear it’s already dragging me out of my weird mood.
She crinkles her nose. “You think you don’t want to be murdered?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’d find a little Romeo and Juliet situation romantic in the moment,” I say, hoping to get Lauren to laugh again.
It works, making my heart pulse quicker in my chest, and for a moment, I’m able to focus solely on Lauren’s glowing face.
The sight of her makes three little words pop into my head.
It’s getting so damn hard to hide my love for Lauren because everything she does is a constant reminder of how I feel for her.
It’s one thing to hide it from the rest of the world, but hiding it from her much longer might actually be the thing that kills me.
Lauren sits on a boulder just off the path, patting the spot next to her. “Romeo and Juliet committed suicide. It wasn’t murder.”
I frown as I join her on the rock. “I’m sorry I’m not the Romance King.”
“You might be. You have your shining moments.” She nudges my leg with a smile.
It’s hard to see the good in myself right now. The letter I ripped open this morning was a not-so-gentle reminder of the ways I’ve been a failure before, but I’m not about to ruin our day by talking about my wounds.
I rest my hand on her thigh. “How are you feeling today? Any better now that all the set up for the booth is taken care of?”
“Sort of.” She shrugs. “I still have a lot to do that goes beyond this festival.”
“Is there something we can do in the short term?”
“I guess another cowboy would help.” She swats away a blade of tall grass that brushes her knee.
“I’ve been stretched thin trying to do both the management and the cowboying.
I know you’ve been helping in your free time, but we need another person, or maybe even two, who can dedicate full-time hours to the ranch. ”
“I’ll help you write an ad tonight.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t. I told Charlie I’d hang out with him later. I’m feeling guilty.”
Me too. “I bet Charlie would be willing to help you with the ad. He loves you, and he’d do anything for you.”
She plucks a blade of grass and crinkles it in her hands. “I can’t ask him to do that.”
“Why not?”
“He left this town to get away from the ranch. I don’t want to force him back into that world while he’s here. It’s not fair.”
I dig the toe of my boot into the dirt. “Have you ever considered it wasn’t fair of him to leave without talking with you first?
He didn’t even pause to consider how you might have felt about taking over the ranch.
He didn’t care if you would accept the responsibility or not. He just decided it was time to leave.”
A bird chirping in a tree overhead fills the silence that washes over us.
My words and harsh tone surprise even me.
The events of this morning are definitely adding to my reaction, but I suppose I never processed how upset I was with Charlie for leaving.
No one saw it coming. He always said he’d move back after college, but he didn’t.
It stung to know he didn’t trust me enough, or care enough about me, to talk through the pros and cons or give me a heads-up.
It was further proof that even the people closest to me don’t think I’m enough.
“It wasn’t like that,” Lauren whispers.
“Maybe not, but it still wasn’t fair.”
She nods quietly. After assessing me for a beat, she adds, “What’s gotten into you today?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry. I guess I have some unprocessed trauma.” I chuckle, trying to keep things light.
She presses her lips together. “That’s the second time today your Joker smile has come out. You’re freaking me out.”
I drop my head in my hands. I wanted to be better at hiding this. Lauren deserves a perfect day, and I’m screwing it up. I need to think of something quick.
“It’s the hunting trip,” I blurt, moving my hands to look at her.
She draws her head back like that’s the last thing she expected me to say.
Her eyebrows are still narrowed like she doesn’t believe me, so I keep explaining.
“I know we talked about this being a chance for me to find joy for myself. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to take a moment like that.
I’m a little nervous I won’t be able to enjoy it properly, but I’m also excited to spend time with two of my favorite people and focus on letting myself be happy. ”
Silence falls over us, and I wait for her to respond, to see if my words were enough to throw her off track.
She doesn’t need to take on the worry I have about the letter.
She’d turn it into another thing she needs to make right and balanced, but this isn’t Lauren’s problem.
It’s hardly even mine. I just need a couple days to get over this, and everything will be okay.