Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-One
Jax
I brush my hands together in satisfaction as we step back into the Rhodes’s family cabin. It’s a couple hours outside of Roots and used exclusively for hunting trips. “I’d say day one was a success.”
“You didn’t get anything,” Lauren deadpans.
“Maybe we would’ve if you hadn’t brought the dog or squealed about how ‘cute the baby deer’ was,” Charlie grumbles.
“Hey, we were quiet when the bucks came around. It’s not my fault you have a crappy shot.”
I choke on my sip of water, and Charlie nails me with a seething gaze.
“Sorry, man.”
“I’m going to bed.” He heads for the bedroom down the hallway where he dropped off his duffle earlier.
“But it’s still early. You haven’t even had dinner.” Lauren leans against one of the dining room chairs, concern creasing her forehead. “Stay.”
“I’m not hungry. I’m just tired.” He gives her a quick hug and mutters, “Give me tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’ll be fine tomorrow, okay?”
She nods hesitantly. When his bedroom door closes, she turns to me, her lower lip sticking out a little.
“He’s going to be okay,” I tell her, sweeping her up in my arms.
“I hope so. I’m worried about him. I think he’s been putting on a face, and I’m concerned he’s been doing it for longer than I realized.”
“Sounds like a Rhodes family trait, but just like the other members of his family, he’s strong-willed. He’ll sort through it.”
“Yeah,” she says, but I can tell the urge to swoop in and smooth things over still has her in a chokehold.
“I brought pasta,” I say, hoping to distract her. “I can treat you to some alfredo. We gotta carb load for day two of hunting. It’ll be a marathon.”
That puts a hesitant smile on her face, but I want more. I want her to be happy and carefree. I want to watch her tilt her head back as she releases some much-needed laughter. I want to listen to her ramble on in excitement about something Bella did or watch her dance with abandon in the kitchen.
So instead of pulling out the pasta, I pause and say, “On second thought, are you up for a drive into town?”
“What for?” She scoops Bella into her arms, like the dog is her shield.
“It’s a surprise.”
“You know how I feel about those. Plus, there’s nothing in town besides a convenience store and a post office.”
I grab my keys. “It’ll be good for you to give up a little control.” I open the door. “Besides, I know they’ll have exactly what we need.”
“Okay, so my girl is comfy in her sweats, her belly is full of her favorite pasta, there’s a dog in her lap, and she has ice cream waiting for her in the freezer.” I put the last clean dish in the cabinet. “What else do you need?”
“Just you.” She grabs my hand and drags me toward her. When we’re chest to chest, she presses her lips gently to mine. “Thank you.”
“It was nothing. I like seeing you happy.”
“It’s not nothing. Not everyone has the privilege of being in a relationship with someone who notices mood changes and takes the time to cook.
I appreciate everything you do for me, and I savor every second we get to spend together.
You make the everyday stuff feel extraordinary. Thank you for that.”
“Thank you for being the kind of person who makes me want to do those things.” I press a kiss to the crown of her head.
“There was a long time when I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to fall in love with someone else. I thought maybe my past haunted me too much or that I clung to you because you were safe and unattainable. As it turns out, you’re not all that safe, considering you’re Charlie’s little sister, but I want you, and I want to make every moment with you special. ”
This is the moment I should tell her I love her. I think she might be ready now, but, still, I can’t bring myself to do it.
“Thank you, Grinchie.” She curls into my touch, a smile growing on her face. “So, can we have ice cream now?”
“Yes, we can.”
I pull the containers from the freezer and set them on the counter while she grabs bowls and spoons.
Once we’ve settled on the couch and given Bella a bone, Lauren turns to me. “Day one in the books. How are you feeling?”
“You’re just jumping right in, huh?”
“That’s how this works. The rule is if you eat ice cream with me, you need to be prepared to have a life talk. You signed the contract when you dug your spoon into the carton.”
A chuckle escapes me. “Okay.”
She spoons a bite of her chocolate fudge brownie ice cream, not taking her expectant eyes off me.
“It feels good to be out here with two of my favorite people in the world,” I say, leaning back against the arm of the couch. “I’m slowly starting to recognize what I want in life and allowing myself to want it without judgment.”
“What kinds of things do you want?”
“Well, for starters, I want to stop working at the bar.” I don’t wait for her reaction because I know I might lose my nerve. “I want to cowboy instead.”
“You do?” Shadows darken her eyes.
“Yeah, I loved it back in the day with Charlie, but I thought it was because I was out there goofing around with my best friend. As it turns out, I enjoyed all the talks I went to at the conference, and helping you over the last couple months has shown me I love the simplicity of it: being out in nature, doing manual labor, having a purpose. I love doing the things it takes to run a ranch.”
Lauren’s shoulders rise to her ears, so I grab our bowls and set them aside. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re sure that’s what you want to do?”
“Yeah. Why?”
She crosses her arms. “When did you realize?”
“I don’t know exactly. I guess I’ve been thinking about it since the conference, but I didn’t accept I could make the change for myself until recently.”
The tension in her shoulders remains.
“What’s going on, Freckles? Talk to me.” I wrap her in my arms. “Your demons are my demons to fight too. We’re a team.”
Fears fills her eyes, but she goes soft in my arms.
“Did I do something wrong?” I hold her tighter.
“No, I’m really happy you found something you’re excited about doing.”
“Why’d you react like that when I said I wanted to work on the ranch full-time?”
She presses her lips together. “I know this is stupid, but a part of me has wondered if Austin only went out with me, and proposed to me, because he wanted the ranch. He buried himself in Copper Hill the second we were able to take any sense of control, and he loved it more than he loved me.”
She grabs hold of her elbows, curling into herself.
“Hearing you say you want to cowboy made me scared I had fallen into that trap again with you. Maybe you only like me because of the lifestyle you think you could have with me, or maybe you care for me now, but you’ll come to love the ranch more.
And possibly the worst scenario would be that maybe you never cared for me at all. ”
My heart splits in two. It’s always been clear Austin’s betrayal had an impact on the way Lauren saw herself and others, but it hadn’t occurred to me she might still be fighting those demons in her head each day she’s held me, kissed me, and told me she cared for me.
I want to fix it for her, but I realize the only way I can truly help is to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I need to keep loving and caring for her. Then, hopefully, one day she will understand Austin is an asshole who never deserved her.
“I’m sorry he put you through that.” I kiss her temple.
“I hate that he makes you question the way people see you, especially the way I see you. All I can say is that your position to inherit the ranch has nothing to do with why I’m with you.
I’ll work at another ranch as a plain old cowboy and be happy.
I don’t need to run Copper Hill with you to find the fulfillment I’m seeking. ”
I give her a squeeze. “And I’m going to keep telling you every day how amazing you are, how far gone I am for you, and how proud I am of you for continuing to be so brave.
I’m only in this for you, the imperfect pieces just as much as the pieces of you that make me question if you’re real because they’re so perfect. ”
She bites back a smile that makes me think I’m doing something right, so I keep going. “I want to be around you all the time, and I want you to be happy above all else, okay?”
She nods silently before looking up at me with a hesitant smile. “I guess that’s okay.”
Leaning forward to grab her bowl, she remarks, “My ice cream is going to be a puddle now.”
“We can get you a fresh bowl.”
She shakes her head. “I’ll eat it even as a melty puddle.”
“Of course you will.” I laugh, grabbing my own bowl. It’s only halfway melted.
Silence washes over us. Lauren takes tiny bites of her dessert, letting it melt in her mouth.
She looks so happy. I don’t want to disrupt this moment, or the peace I see in Lauren’s eyes, but she released a weight from her shoulders, and now I need to take one off mine.
I need to talk about this with someone, and I want that someone to be Lauren.
I take another bite of my ice cream, savoring the creaminess mixed with the Oreo flavor. “There’s something else I want to talk with you about.”
She crawls back across the couch, wrapping an arm around me in a way that mimics what I did for her a few minutes ago. “What’s going on?”
I twist my spoon in the melted liquid at the bottom of my bowl, not looking up. “My dad sent a letter to Aunt Carol’s house the other day. He’s out of jail.”