37. I have come – 1992
Andi scraped the last trace of ragu off the plate and licked the fork clean. ‘Urs, that was delicious. No one’s cooked a proper meal for me since I left Gillian’s.’
‘Thanks. I thought about doing a paella for Pablo but it’s a bit complicated. And in any case, it didn’t matter because he’s not here.’
‘Why for Pab?’
‘Because it’s Spanish.’
‘Ah, like Pablo.’ Andi was grinning.
‘Yes. What?’
‘Darling, I’ve got more Spanish blood than Pab. He’s from Catford and so are his parents. Pablo’s not even his real name. It’s all bullshit to make him sound more exciting. The punters love it. They think he’s some hotshot Balearic DJ.’
‘You are kidding? So what is his name then?’
‘Steven. Pablo’s real name is Steve. Don’t tell him I told you though. He likes to keep it under wraps. Have we used all the wine up?’
‘We’ve got another bottle yet. Oh, I meant to say, he left a flyer for the club where he’s playing tonight in case we want to go.’
‘It’s not a club, it’s some poxy warehouse miles away. Bollocks to that. After the day I’ve had, I just want to fill my belly and get drunk.’ Andi hadn’t said much about the meeting when she got home which probably meant it hadn’t gone as well as she’d hoped.
Ursula poured out some more wine. ‘Was it really bad then?’
‘Not exactly but it wasn’t great. I thought I was going to get on in this place but I get the impression I’m treading on too many toes.
There’s too much attention on bruised egos and not enough on the designs and the craftsmanship.
You know, sometimes I wish I could be back in Talulah with you and Wanda. And Cass. I miss it. I miss Brum.’
‘You could always come home.’
‘I would you know. But Pab won’t leave London, and I can’t leave him. Yes, he is a big-headed twat who pretends to be someone he’s not, but this is the real thing. I love him. Plus, he’s not boring.’
‘Ooh, that was below the belt.’ Ursula slapped an outraged expression on her face that crumbled as she laughed. But really, she was thinking there are worse crimes than being boring.
Ursula was dreaming she was back in her kitchen making paella, when she was woken by a small, sharp sting to her face.
It came again while she was still coming round.
The third time it happened, she opened her eyes.
The room was lit up orange by the electric fire, but she was sure she’d switched it off before she’d gone to bed.
Something was soaring in the air towards her, a tiny missile, the size of a fly.
She batted it away and sat up. More of them slid off her chest into her lap.
‘Pistachio?’ Pablo was in the armchair, cracking open the nuts and lobbing empty shells at her.
She swatted away another one. ‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. You didn’t come, Ursula. I was going to show you how to have a good time and everything, and you let me down. Big time.’
Jesus Christ, the man was a child. A pathetic dickhead. How could she have been scared of him? ‘Fuck off, Pab.’ She pulled the blanket over her head. ‘Just go to bed.’
It was Sunday morning. Andi and Pablo were still in bed.
Last night Andi had taken her to a club where he was doing a set.
They’d danced and got a bit drunk. It had been fun, but she’d felt old in there.
Pablo had been up on stage, playing to the crowd, loving it and loving himself even more.
The young girls had flocked around him, all wanting a piece of him.
Andi had said they always did that, it was nothing.
Maybe it was, but Ursula had seen the way he’d enjoyed it and she disliked him even more because of it.
He was nothing like Anton. Boring, safe Anton.
There were many things about her husband that drove her mad, but he would never have done anything like that.
It had been four days since the night Pablo had woken her with his pistachio torpedoes and he was still behaving like a prize prick.
Ursula couldn’t stick it any longer. This flat was too small for three people to live in.
Especially when one of them was Pablo. Buckingham Palace would have been too small when one of them was Pablo.
So she’d made a decision. She was going back to Birmingham.
Later, she’d find a phone box and call her mum to see if her old bedroom was still on offer.
First though, she had to tell Andi she was leaving.
Andi came out of the bedroom wearing one of Pablo’s T-shirts and her pants. ‘Morning.’ She went over to the window. ‘Ugh, sunshine. I’m too hungover for sunshine.’
Probably too hungover to hear about Ursula’s decision as well. It would have to wait a while. Ursula filled the kettle. ‘I’ll make some tea.’
‘My saviour. Oh, bloody hell. Am I seeing things, or is that Anton down there?’
Ursula ran over to the window. Anton was out there, standing on the pavement on the other side of the road. She grabbed her coat. ‘Sorry, you’ll have to make your own tea.’
He watched her crossing over, his hands in his coat pockets. He looked so out of place, this neat, tidy man on this dirty, scruffy street.
‘Have you been here long?’ she said when she reached him.
‘One hour and thirty-three minutes.’ Always precise, always exact, always direct. So very unlike that overgrown schoolboy, Pablo.
‘You could have tried the door.’
‘I did. There was no bell and no one answered my knock.’
‘Ah. It’s hard to hear on the top floor. There’s a reasonable café further up the road that opens on Sundays.’
‘Then we should go there and let Andi take a rest.’ He nodded to one of the top floor windows where Andi was standing guard.
Ursula waved to her and started walking in the direction of the café.
‘Is it as bad up there as it looks from the outside?’ he said.
‘It’s not to your taste, that’s for sure.’
They ordered coffees and found a quiet corner. Anton put his elbows on the table and leaned towards her. ‘So, I have come. Was I wrong to do that?’
She shifted in her seat. ‘That depends on why you’re here.’
‘I have come for you. I cannot function without you, Ursula.’
She smiled, amused by the fact that he had no inkling of how funny he could be. ‘Is that your way of saying you’ve missed me?’
‘Yes. I want you to come home.’
‘Why should I, Anton? You can’t give me what I want. You made sure of that without telling me.’
‘In hindsight, I should have told you but after you lost the baby, you were unreachable. I was angry about what had happened to you. I only want to protect you, Ursula. But our life is so much more than children.’
‘My life is empty. I don’t have a career like you. I have nothing.’
‘Then we must fill it.’
‘With cleaning and cooking? What joy is there in that?’
‘We will find something that gives you joy. I love you. You must know that. You do still love me, don’t you?’
‘I … I don’t know.’
‘But why else did you tell me where to find you? The note. If you didn’t want me to come for you, why did you tell me you were with Andi?’
Was that why she’d told him? Was it really that simple? Perhaps it was. Perhaps she never really wanted to leave him. But no, that couldn’t be right. What about the cruel way he’d denied her a child?
‘Will you come home with me?’ He held his hand out for her.
She looked at it knowing that taking it would only lead her back to the same hollow existence that had become her life.
‘We will be happy again, Ursula.’
She didn’t know if that was possible. Not the kind of happiness she was looking for anyway. Anton closed his hand around hers. ‘Please.’
‘Okay. But I can’t promise I’ll stay.’
She’d told Anton to wait in the café for her, mainly because she didn’t want him to meet Pablo. Pablo was coming out of the bathroom as she passed it on her way up to the flat. ‘Where is he? Do I need to get dressed?’
She looked at him in his boxers, and had to work hard to hide her disgust. ‘Don’t put yourself out on our account. We’re not stopping.’
Andi was standing in front of the fire, her arms folded. She’d put some jeans on. ‘You’re going, aren’t you?’
‘I’m giving him another chance. I’m sorry, Andi. I’ll pack my things.’
It didn’t take long to fill her case, seeing as she’d been living out of it for the past few weeks. ‘I’ll write to you. Let you know how things are.’
Andi caught her sleeve. ‘Are you sure about this?’
Pablo flopped down into the armchair still in his boxers, half of their contents on display and for a split second, Ursula considered asking Andi the same question. Instead she put her arms around her best friend and kissed her. ‘Look after yourself, mate. You know where to find me if you need me.’