38. Two very different disclosures
TWO VERY DIFFERENT DISCLOSURES
‘I was thinking about that first flat you had in Leyton last night,’ said Ursula.
‘What a dump that was. Remember that disgusting bathroom? It was always so cold as well. Even in Summer. That bloody fire used to cost me a fortune. What about these two? We could mash them up.’ Andi showed her a pattern with a sheath dress that finished at the knee and another one of a dress with a close-fitting, cowl-necked bodice that gave way to a looser flowing midi skirt.
‘What kind of mash-up are you thinking of?’
‘The bodice from the sheath and the skirt from the other one.’ Andi began to sketch out a style.
‘That could work. Do you think if we added a tuck detail to the waist it would make the skirt fall into an asymmetric finish?’
‘Can you draw it for me?’
Ursula’s initial sketch was a disaster. The second marginally better. She tutted, annoyed with herself, because it wasn’t that hard. She used to do this without even thinking about it. She tried it again.
Andi turned the drawing round to get a better look. ‘Yeah, definitely with that silk. It would be lovely. The tuck could drape into that asymmetric finish at the front.’ She added a few touches to demonstrate.
‘I like the look of that.’ Ursula was smiling to herself: this was how it might have been if they’d ended up having that shop together.
‘See, it’s not that hard.’
‘Yes it bloody well is, but I’m not giving up yet.’
‘I should hope so. How am I gonna get my mojo back if you give up that easily? No pressure but there’s a lot riding on this dress.
Let me work out how that tuck’s going to affect the pattern.
’ Andi drew some shapes and jotted down a few notes.
‘Okay, I think I’ve got it. Right, let’s measure you up, missus. ’
Ursula stood up straight while Andi ran the tape measure around her and jotted down the numbers. ‘Your measurements have hardly changed.’
She knew that of course. Her dress size hadn’t changed in all the time she’d been with Anton. That’s what happens when you live with a control freak who’s obsessed with perfection. ‘Surely you don’t remember my measurements from all those years ago?’
‘That would be pretty amazing, wouldn’t it?
No. I’ve still got my old sewing journal.
Yet another museum piece. I’ve also got Gillian’s measurements in there, and my mum’s.
And my sister’s from when I made her wedding dress.
That was a nightmare never to be repeated.
World’s worst client. Let’s put the pattern together. ’
Ursula took out parts of one pattern and then the other while Andi marked out the new shape needed for the changes to the skirt. Next, they pinned them to that gorgeously colourful silk. ‘Do you want to do the cutting out?’ said Andi.
Ursula remembered the state she’d got herself into just cutting out a simple tablecloth. ‘You do the first one.’
Andi cut out the trickiest piece quickly and easily, then handed the scissors to her. ‘Your turn. Don’t worry, we’ve got some spare fabric.’
Ursula bent over the table and glancing at her hands, noted they were hardly shaking at all.
The first cut was made. She stopped for a second to steady herself, then took another snip.
The silk was a dream to cut. The blades slid through it like they were slicing through water.
Very like the silk they’d used for the christening gown.
The thought of it suddenly brought her up sharp.
You’re doing fine,’ said Andi.
Yes she was. She just had to keep those bad memories tucked away and press on.
The first piece was done. She moved straight on to the next, not daring to stop in case she let the demons back in. That was the secret. You had to keep busy so they didn’t have room to settle. That had been the secret for a long time now.
The final piece came free. She’d done it. Oh the ridiculous sense of excitement and relief. Ursula felt giddy with it. She lay down on the floor looking up at a very confused Andi. ‘Trust me, it helps,’ she said.
‘In that case, move over.’ Andi laid down next to her. ‘I don’t remember this being a thing at Talulah.’
‘It’s a new tradition I’ve recently started.’ She reached over for Andi’s hand. ‘Thank you. Believe it or not, I am enjoying this.’
‘Me too. You know, you could cut yourself some slack now and then.’
Ursula was transported back to that flat in Leyton, Pablo telling her she was uptight. She’d often wondered if they discussed her and her weaknesses.
‘Anton’s not here anymore. You could indulge yourself a bit. No one’s going to tell you you’re a bad person for having an extra slice of chocolate cake.’
Ah, so that was what she meant. Nothing to do with her being uptight at all. ‘That would make sense, if Anton wasn’t still here.’
‘What?’ Andi was giving her a funny look. Sod it, she hadn’t meant for that to come out and now that she’d said it there was no going back.
‘Anton’s haunting me. Back at the house, he haunts his office. Here, he stands on the hill behind the house.’
Andi rolled over and supported herself on her elbows. ‘Urs, you know ghosts don’t exist, don’t you?’
‘Yes, I do, but try telling that to Anton.’
‘Does he speak to you?’ She was making the kind of face that Ursula had known would be there if she let the secret out. She wanted to slap herself for letting her guard down.
‘No. He just watches me through the office window when I come and go, or from that hill. I do know how mad this sounds, by the way, which is why you’re the only person I’ve told. Although Howard did see me up on the hill one time, screaming at Anton to show himself.’
‘You should have explained it to him. He did something to do with psychology before he retired. He might have a plausible explanation.’
No need to ask Howard, or anyone else. She already knew what the explanation was. So did Anton.
Andi was still giving her that look. Ursula was almost glad when the door swung open and Esme appeared on the other side. It was the first time she’d been back inside the house since she’d taken herself off to the bothy, in spite of Andi’s return.
Andi scrambled to her feet. ‘Esme, this is my private room. I expect you to respect that.’
‘He’s in Spain. I thought you should know.’
‘Who?’ said Andi.
‘Who d’you think? Pablo.’ Esme’s face was a picture of smug triumph. Ursula hadn’t thought it was possible to dislike her any more than she already did, but now she realised there was so much more to Esme to find distasteful.
‘And you know this, how?’
‘I messaged him. I told him we all missed him and you still loved him.’
Andi’s hands balled into fists. She pushed them into the pockets of her dress. ‘You had no right to say that, Esme. My feelings towards Pab are nobody’s business but my own.’
‘But it’s true. Anyone can see you want him back.’
‘Actually no, I don’t. And I’d like you to stop interfering in my personal affairs.’
‘Oh.’ Esme’s elation dissolved. But then, quick as a flash, it was back: ‘Probably just as well because he said he loved Claudette now. And they’ve started a new life in Spain.’
‘Esme, why don’t you just fuck right off?’ Andi grabbed hold of the door and slammed it so hard the room rattled.
‘I think that told her,’ said Ursula.
‘I fucking hope so.’ Andi’s face was white. Ursula was waiting for it to crumble but it didn’t happen. There was a steeliness about her instead. A kind of simmering rage. Perhaps she was building up to something. An outpouring maybe.
‘Do you want to have that talk now?’
Andi shook her head sharply. ‘Not ready yet.’
‘Okay. Do you think he calls himself Pablo over there?’
She turned to Ursula, her face instantly softening. ‘Nah, they’d see right through him.’
‘Back to Steven then. Or Steve.’
‘Yep.’ Her mouth spread into its trademark mischievous grin. ‘Not sure how well that will go down with Claudette though, what with her being another pretentious bullshitter.’
Ursula gave Andi a tight hug. ‘You all right, mate?’
‘Yeah. Let’s go out tonight.’
‘Paint the town red?’
She laughed and sniffed at the same time. ‘Rein it in, babe. This is Bala we’re talking about.’