33. Chapter 32
Chapter 32
Elsie
September 13 — 36 Weeks 6 Days, Winter Melon
I t’s past time I dragged myself out of bed today, but I can’t manage it.
Today, I turn 35, and despite being a day worthy of celebration, I’ve never felt so empty.
The past few days have been tense.
Marshall is barely around. He stayed Sunday night after I kicked him out of my bedroom, but the following day, he had his bag packed and left. I only know he went to Selene and Gunnar’s again because Selene texted me.
He’s keeping his distance. I get it.
I also hate it, mostly because I know it’s my fault.
After I forced Marshall out of my room, an overwhelming sense of regret settled into my body, though it took my brain much longer to catch up to the feeling.
I hurt him.
I broke his heart when I said no to his marriage proposal. Not even just his proposal. I broke his heart when I denied him the vision of his own happily ever after.
Today is another check-up for the baby, and I know Marshall will still be there, ever the present father, but I’m not prepared to see him.
Seeing him will bring up all the guilt I can’t seem to push down. I’m not prepared to be crushed by my failure as a parent and a partner.
So, I sit here in bed, well past when I usually get up, trying to convince myself that this is all worthwhile.
Kicks come through my belly, jostling me from my mental spiral, and my hand goes to my stomach.
“Hey, baby,” I whisper, smiling down at my bump. “You having a party in there for Mama?”
If nothing else, this baby is worth it.
I’ve wanted and worked for this for years. No matter how things came about or what complications came along with all of it, this baby is worth it.
“I’m so excited to meet you soon, baby,” I tell my bump. “I only hope that I’m good enough for you.”
As though she’s listening to every word I say, I get a firm kick in the gut at my admission.
“Oh. You’re gonna be a sass master. I can already tell.” I smile. “Gonna be quite a handful for Mama, aren’t you?”
A knock at the door startles me, snapping my attention away from my baby and back to the realities of the moment.
“Elsie?” Marshall’s voice comes through the door.
I sigh. “Come in. ”
Marshall opens the door and pops his head in. “Hey. I brought breakfast. Wanted to make sure you ate something before the appointment.”
“Oh, thank you,” I reply, genuinely grateful for how kind and thoughtful he’s being despite my cruelty toward him.
Another kick comes at my gut, and I huff out a breath before telling Marshall, “Baby has been moving around a lot this morning.”
“Oh.” He says, gesturing to the empty space beside me on the bed. “May I?”
“Yeah. Sure.” I say, situating myself up on my pillows a little better.
He comes over and sits next to me, his gaze fixated on my belly.
“You’ve scheduled everything with your doctor, right?” He asks. “Induction and everything?”
“Yeah. It’s on the calendar for September 25.” I say with effort after a significant kick to my bladder. “She’s really active this morning.”
Looking up, I spot tears in Marshall’s eyes.
“Here,” I say, reaching to place his big palm on the spot where he might be able to feel the most movement.
“That never gets old.” He sighs. “Buenos días, mi peque?a ciruela de azúcar.” Good morning, my little sugar plum.
Another kick comes through at his greeting, and I let out a laugh.
“She’s always been a sucker for your voice.” I smile down at where I can feel our daughter.
“You said she.” Marshall looks at me with light in his eyes. “You believe me? That we’re having a daughter?”
I shrug. “You just seem so sure.”
“I am.” He says, his tone laced with more meaning than I’m able to handle at this hour. “Elsie...”
“No. Marshall. I know you want to talk, but I just can’t handle it right now. Not today, okay?” I shake my head and chuckle. “Right now, I just need help getting up so I can go to the bathroom. Baby is being a bitch on my bladder.”
“Okay.” He says softly as he stands and holds out his hands to help me get up. “Come out for breakfast when you’re ready.”
“Thank you,” I say when I’m standing. “I’ll be out in a bit.”
He nods and then leaves me alone in my room once again.
But being alone with my thoughts is not what I need right now. Once in the bathroom, I go about my morning routine, including a long shower underneath scalding water.
I take my time getting ready, carefully going through my curly hair routine and all of my skincare. I let myself sink into the ritual and allow it to drive out the negative thoughts that keep swirling in my mind.
When I’m dressed and ready to face the world, I force myself into the kitchen to face Marshall.
Of course, he’s looking hot as hell with a tight-fitting shirt that molds perfectly to his toned body and his tattoos on display. Of course, his jeans hug his ass in a way that makes me drool too.
Marshall truly is the perfect man.
Yet I can’t bring myself to accept what he’s offering.
“Morning,” I say, announcing my presence.
He looks up from his phone. He’s seated on the couch and smiles, but the light that is usually present is noticeably absent today.
“Everything okay?” I ask cautiously.
“Yeah. Fine.” He replies, though I don’t believe him .
“Okay.”
“Breakfast is on the table.” He says, gesturing to the table as he gets up from the couch and comes to stand next to me.
I glance over to find a mini feast spread out across the table and let out a small gasp.
“Marshall. What the hell?” I ask, shocked by the gesture.
I feel his warmth come up behind me, and it’s almost too much for my already over-sensitized nerves.
“Happy birthday, Elsie.” He whispers in my ear, wrapping his arms around me and presenting me with a small square box wrapped with a ribbon.
“Marshall.” I start, turning around in his arms as best as possible before he drops them and gives me more room.
“It’s your birthday, Elsie. You deserve nice things. Please, don’t fight me on this.” He sighs. “I’m so tired of fighting.”
I take a moment to consider my options, but the truth is that I don’t like fighting with him any more than he does.
This isn’t good for either of us, and I’m sure that the stress of everything isn’t good for the baby.
So, I cave and reach for the box in his hand.
“Here, sit.” He says, pulling out a chair once I have the box in hand.
I waddle over to sit down, and he settles in a chair across the table from me.
Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself for what could be in the box.
It’s too large to be a ring, thank goddess, but not long enough to be a necklace.
Undoing the ribbon and keeping everything tied together, I lift the top of the box to reveal a small, soft jewelry bag. As though the bag bites, I reach in carefully to pull it out and am surprised at the weight of it in my hand.
“What...” I start.
“Just open it,” Marshall says with a smile.
I reach into the pouch, and my fingers connect with something metal that feels like a chain. Pulling it out, I find a silver charm bracelet with two charms. The first is a small crown with diamonds embedded to make it sparkle. The second charm is a small purple fruit.
“A purple peach?” I ask.
“A plum. Para nuestra peque?a ciruela azucarada.” He says. For our little sugar plum.
Tears start to well in my eyes. “And the crown?”
“For my princess, my queen.” He says reverently, and I break out into full-blown crocodile tears. “Oh no. What did I do wrong? This was supposed to be an apology.”
“No.” I sob. “You did nothing wrong. This is so sweet.”
I take a few deep breaths and try to control my sniffles.
“Thank you.” I finally managed. “You didn’t have to, but thank you.”
“You're welcome.” He says softly before reaching for the bracelet. “May I?”
I nod, and he takes the bracelet, fastening it around my wrist and adjusting the charms to lay neatly against my skin.
“Now eat up, and then we’ll head to your doctor’s appointment.” He says.
This man is far too good for me.
I don’t deserve his gentle kindness.
He shows up for me in a way that feels so genuinely eager, which puts me on edge more than it helps soothe my soul.
I can’t accept what he has to offer.
I’m not ready.
So, instead, I focus on eating breakfast and distract myself from my somber thoughts by going through my mental to-do list.
We can deal with feelings later.