34. Chapter 33
Chapter 33
Elsie
S ilence lingers between Marshall and I as we sit in the lobby of my doctor’s office, waiting to be called back for my appointment.
All through the rest of our morning together and the drive here, there have been words locked in my chest that I want to say but can’t bring myself to voice.
There’s so much that Marshall and I need to talk through, but none of it has a simple solution.
The worst part seems to be that Marshall knows exactly what he wants.
He’s just like a hopeful puppy waiting for me to give him his treat.
He’s so supportive and sweet that it’s almost sickening.
From the outside, everything seems perfect. I have a man who adores me and a baby on the way.
So why is it so hard for me to embrace the idea that this could be forever?
Marshall has spun this fairy tale for us that I’m unwilling to embrace.
I want to trust it, his vision, and to trust him, but I just can’t. Not yet.
Instead, we sit with an awkward silence hovering between us everywhere we go.
“Ms. Snow?” The nurse calls.
“Yes,” I reply, struggling to get out of the low chair on my own until Marshall helps me up. “Thank you.”
“No problem.” He says as we both turn to follow the nurse down the hall.
“If you stand here, we can take your weight, and then I’ll get your blood pressure.” The nurse says.
I do as she says, and then she guides us to one of the patient rooms, this one with an adorable photo of a mom and her twins on the wall.
The nurse goes through my medical records and the standard series of questions they ask at all my appointments before leaving. Marshall and I sit alone in the room to wait for the doctor.
Thankfully, this isn’t an appointment where I need to change into one of those awful paper dressing gowns. Instead, I wore a comfortable outfit that allows me to slip off my pants and pull up my top before covering myself with the paper blanket they left for me.
Marshall opens his mouth as though to break the silence that’s descended upon the room, but he’s interrupted by my phone ringing from inside my purse .
“Can you hand that to me?” I ask, gesturing to my bag sitting on the floor next to him.
When I have my bag in hand, I dig through my bag until I locate my phone, only to pull it out and see an unknown local number.
Typically, I don’t answer unknown callers, but something about it tells me I should pick up this time.
“Hello?” I ask into the phone.
“Elizabeth Iris Snow?” A smooth voice comes through the phone.
“This is she,” I say calmly, though anxiety is mounting in my chest as my heart rate increases.
“This is your father’s lawyer for his estate, Mrs. Johnson.”
“Estate?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry to inform you, but your father passed away last night.” The lawyer says. “I’m calling to inform you of his death and ask you to come by my office.”
“My father is dead?” I whisper into the phone.
Marshall’s head snaps up, and his full attention is now on me as I speak with the woman on the phone.
“I just... I just ran into him on Sunday.” I say in disbelief. “What happened?”
“Did you...” She pauses. “Your father was sick for quite a while. He’d been battling cancer for several months. Did you not know?”
“No,” I whisper. “I went no-contact with him a few years ago. We’ve only had run-ins here and there for the last few years.”
“Oh. I apologize. He spoke of you so fondly when I last saw him, I assumed...”
“You assumed wrong.” I snap.
My father was never a kind person. He wasn’t the warm father figure he portrayed himself as to the world. Everyone else saw him as this great, successful man who had a picture-perfect life.
But I know better.
Father was nothing like a real dad should be. He never showed up for me nand ever supported me in the ways I needed him to.
And yet, there’s still an overwhelming sadness that’s overcome me in this moment.
He’s gone.
Really gone.
I’m truly alone in the world.
There’s nothing to change that now.
So, I shut down the mounting sorrow that threatens me with tears and turn back to the moment.
“If you can send me an email with details, I’ll come by later today if that works,” I say into the phone, my voice colder than before.
“Yes. Of course.” The lawyer says before confirming my contact information with me.
When I hang up the phone, it’s like everything crashes over me all at once.
The room disappears around me, and all I’m left with is an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Where you would expect grief to form in my chest, there’s nothing.
I’ve grieved the loss of my father for years, working through the abuse and neglect on my own.
There’s nothing left to grieve anymore.
He’s been gone from my life for a long time.
There’s no point spilling tears over a man who couldn’t have cared less to be the father I needed when he was alive .
Why cry over him in death?
“Elsie?” Marshall’s voice and a slight tug on my hand bring me back from my thoughts. “Elsie, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say, gathering myself and straightening my posture. “The lawyer said she would send me more information. So, let’s get through this appointment, and then I imagine I will need to go over to her office by then.”
“Elsie,” Marshall says in a soft tone.
“Do not make this worse, Marshall.” I snap, causing his eyes to widen at my censure. “I’m fine.”
The rest of the doctor’s appointment passes in a blur. I’m grateful for Marshall’s presence as I’m barely able to hold myself together for the duration of our time once the doctor arrives, much less ask questions.
I gather the important information, me and baby look healthy, and I’m on schedule for delivery as planned.
Good.
That’s what I need.
I need something good to hold onto.
And soon, I’ll have the best and purest joy in the world to hold in my arms and make everything okay.
It’s going to be okay.
It has to be.