22. Ivy
22
IVY
I woke to the sound of bacon frying and Mom humming. The scent filled the air, making the entire house smell like the savory meat, which normally would be a horrible scent, but this morning, it made me ravenous. The way my stomach churned, though, I wasn't sure I could keep it down, but I would try. I was so hungry.
My body ached from sleeping on the sofa, but I pushed myself up and stretched away the stiffness in my muscles. Mom had been gracious enough to let me stay for the past week, and I had no way to pay her back. I should've been the one cooking her breakfast, but when I walked into the kitchen, I noticed Mimi standing by her side in front of the stove. They were laughing as they cooked breakfast, and neither of them saw me walk in.
I walked up behind them and rested my chin on my mom's shoulder. She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye as I wrapped one arm around her and one around Mimi and sighed.
"Smells so good," I told them, and Mom smiled.
"Good morning, how are you feeling?" she asked, and I was reluctant to tell her I was slightly nauseous. She knew about the baby—a hard conversation I'd been forced to have with her a few days ago, thanks to my loving sister who insisted I needed help.
"I'm okay," I said softly, but the way I turned inward in shame and anxiety over this new situation in my life had me drawing away. I wasn't really okay, but she knew that anyway. She was my mom. She could read me like a book.
"Have you thought any more about what you're going to say to Mr. Carver?" I hated hearing his name like that. It wasn't that Mom was judging him, but it made James seem cold or distant. I didn't want him to feel distant. I wanted so much more, and that made me feel conflicted for a lot of reasons. Not only was I having his baby, which he may or may not see as an attempt to get to his money, but for all I knew, we were having no-strings-attached sex as a fling and he wanted nothing more than to bed me and get money out of my company.
My chest physically ached when I thought of that. I hated that. Somewhere along the line, I sprouted feelings for this man, and that scared me. He wasn't exactly the one to open up and confess his feelings for me in return, if they even existed.
"No, Mom." I walked away and slumped onto a chair at the table, and Mimi brought me a plate with a stack of pancakes and a few slices of bacon on it. She set the syrup in front of me and offered a sympathetic expression. I wanted to be upset with her, but I couldn't. This wasn't her fault.
"Thank you," I whispered, and she winked at me.
"Well, you should tell him sooner rather than later, hon. The man has a financial obligation now."
I grimaced at her words and watched as she turned off the old stove and moved the pan of bacon from the heat. This place felt like it was straight out of the nineties with the yellow and orange linoleum and painted cabinets. I smiled as I remembered fond memories of childhood, but the memory soiled my mood as I thought of my own baby, still unborn, and how I’d even begin to offer them anything remotely similar to my upbringing.
"I just need time to process it, Mom." James had left me a voicemail asking about the party, but I chose to respond via a text message instead of calling. Everything was on track, and while I hadn't planned to stay here this long, I needed this break.
"Well, don't process it too long or he'll think he can get out of it. You know men these days." Mom carried her own plate of food and sat across from me. I didn't feel judged, but I did feel like she didn’t fully understand how delicate this situation was. Yes, it was consensual sex, but it wasn't like I had tried to protect myself. I was too drunk to even care.
"You could always just stay here…" Mimi sat down next to me. She didn't even live here with Mom, but she was offering. She stayed here during the holidays in order to help Mom with all things Christmas and New Year’s, but in a few days, she'd be going home. As it was, I had a party to finish.
"I can't…" I felt defeated. I had to return to James's house and finish the plans for the party or I wouldn't be upholding my end of the contract. I couldn't accept such a large investment into my new company and then drop the ball on my first job. It wasn't right.
"Let Kevin handle the party, Ivy. You need to put space between yourself and that man." Mom's stern eyes were narrowed in concern and warning, but I couldn't do what she was asking me to do. My job was important to me, and getting off on the wrong first step was a dangerous thing.
"Thank you, Mom, for being so concerned and caring about me, but I have to face this like an adult, not run and hide. It was as much my choice as it was his, and I just have to figure out a way to make it work."
The idea of having a baby at my age scared me to death. I wasn’t married. I wasn't even financially secure, but giving up and letting life kick me in the teeth didn’t sound like the right option. If I was ever going to be deserving of the title of "mother", I had to make hard choices and stick by my decisions. I had to return to James's house and finish everything for his Valentine's party… and somehow fess up that I was having his baby and pray that he didn't think I was a gold digger.
Mimi's plan, though, of keeping it a secret until after the final event was done, made sense. It wasn't like it was six months, just six more weeks. I'd be less than three months pregnant in total, and lots of women waited until later to announce their pregnancies—maybe not from their partners, but I wasn't sure if James would even want a baby, let alone a relationship.
"I have to go back," I told them. "I have a commitment, and I'm not a quitter. I'll figure out what to do about the baby later." I looked my mom square in the eye, and she nodded at me.
"I'm proud of you, sweetheart." She reached over and squeezed my hand. I accepted the gesture of compassion, but there wasn't much motivation on my part to feel proud of myself.
The only thing that could lift the weight on my shoulders was James’s acceptance of this situation. Anything less would leave me feeling tortured.