28. Ivy
28
IVY
M y stomach churned and woke me up. It wasn't the first time morning sickness hit me before my alarm went off and it wouldn’t be the last. But I stayed tucked away under the covers where it was warm, staring at the first fingers of light creeping up on the horizon out my window.
Each morning I woke up and felt sick, I reminded myself of the countdown I was doing in my head. Twenty-three days until the party. That meant twenty-three days until the torture of keeping this secret was over. I'd almost spilled it last week when James and I had sex in his room. I had been so close to telling him, and we got interrupted. It was on the tip of my tongue, ready to march right out into the open and unburden me, and I wished I’d have just blurted it out.
The weight of it was so heavy, if I didn't continuously keep myself busy with work or apartment shopping, I'd start crying. I had packed my schedule so full of activities, I left James's house at dawn daily and came back well into the night hours. He waited up for me one evening, but he'd fallen asleep on the couch in his living room. I didn't bother him, though I did hear his bedroom door shut when he finally turned in an hour later.
I hated that I had to put this space between us, but things were getting too real. I knew that the instant I let those words slip from my mouth during sex. It was a huge mistake that could've turned out badly. Luckily, he thought I meant all of him, as in the sex, his dick, an orgasm. The sex was fantastic too, like he poured himself into it more than any other time, but that's all it was. He proved that when he leapt out of bed and rushed off to work.
Though, if I told him that—that he'd failed by running out so quickly—I would've been no better than his ex-wife. I never wanted him to think I was a nag who couldn’t be alone. Independence was my chief cornerstone after dealing with Mike and his controlling behavior. But that didn't mean I wanted to deal with the issue completely by myself, and James was addicted to his job. I didn't want to end up like Barbra, being neglected, either.
Sighing, I rolled over and pulled the blanket up around me and heard my phone vibrate. I had sent Mimi a text late last night when I heard James slip into his bedroom. My conscience was so tormented by the fact that I was living under his roof, enjoying the benefits of everything he offered, and yet I was lying to him. What was supposed to be just sex wasn't. I was helplessly in love, and the tiny baby growing inside me was a result of that insane affection.
I reached for my phone to see I was right. Mimi had texted me in response to my desperate plea for advice. Mom insisted that I tell him right away, which I was actually leaning toward doing, but Mimi's stance seemed logical too.
Mimi 7:04 AM: Girl, you're nuts. Don't tell him. If he's happy, great. But what if he freaks out?
I frowned as I imagined James getting really upset with me over this. If he thought for even one second that I planned this, his mind would instantly go to one thought—I was a gold digger. And he'd hate me. I'd go from being the woman he wanted to fuck to the woman he wanted to hate.
Ivy 7:05 AM: But I'm lying to him. I feel so guilty.
I sent a frowning emoji to her and felt tears welling up. Mimi didn't understand how bad this was tearing me up. My phone made a swooshing sound as she responded.
Mimi 7:05 AM: And if he's angry about it when you tell him, it means you either have to live with an angry man and deal with that stress or you're instantly homeless.
I thought of the apartments I’d looked at over the past few days and knew nothing was within my price range. I would have to look further out into the suburbs, which meant a longer commute. That or I'd have to move home with Mom. So I had twenty-three days until I was homeless. That was what it amounted to.
I didn't respond to her because I knew she was right. I locked my phone and dropped it on the nightstand as my fear and guilt ate away at me. I wanted to tell him, and not so I could unburden myself but because I wanted to tell him I loved him. It just seemed like if I was going to drop bombs, I should drop them all at once. That way, my heart would only have to feel the rejection once.
I tiptoed to my shower and turned on the steamy water and let it fog up the bathroom before I stepped in and under the hot flow. My thoughts were never going to get any clearer until this secret was out, and if I didn't get a grip and focus, I wasn't going to do my best work for James. And I also risked making bad choices for my future when it came to my store front and my new home.
As much as I agreed with Mimi and knew she was speaking wisdom, I knew in my heart that I had to tell him. I decided that if he was in his room when I left, I was going to say something. If not, I would take it as the universe's way of telling me my sister was right. So in the interest of getting this off my chest and knowing once and for all whether he wanted me or not, I hurried.
I finished my shower in record time and neglected the hair dryer. With still-dripping ringlets moistening my suit coat, I shoved my feet into my shoes and grabbed my purse and phone. The delivery van was outside, probably covered in ice or frost, so if this turned out badly, I didn't have to wait for an Uber driver. I could just jump right into the van and get out of here. And with one last deep breath to bolster my confidence, I stepped into the hallway and walked toward his door.
It was ajar, which wasn't a good sign, and when I knocked on it, Marna appeared and opened it from inside.
"Morning, Ms. Hart. Mr. Carver is gone already. Left about ten minutes ago. What can I do for you?" Her cheery smile made my heart sink. I knew it was reflected on my face as tears welled up in my eyes and I frowned.
"Ten minutes?" I repeated numbly.
"Yes, ma'am, he had an important meeting this morning. Is something the matter?" Marna took a step toward me and reached for my hand, but I backed away.
"No, nothing." I swiped at my eyes and smiled. "I'll be off to work now." I backed away and turned toward the front of the house, but the hot tears wouldn’t stop. I knew I was just hormonal and that eventually the waterworks would stop and I wouldn't cry as much, but right now, I needed this cry.
I schlumped out to my new van and started it. It felt like even the universe was conspiring against me to keep me from telling him. I had so many chances, but I was so afraid he was going to react badly and push me away entirely. Now I just didn't care. My tortured mind needed rest, and telling him was the only way to get that rest. I even thought of writing a letter and leaving it on his pillow, but it seemed too impersonal, and I'd never be able to look him in the eye again.
When my phone buzzed, I figured it was Mimi, and I was right. I pulled my phone out of my purse and read her message.
Mimi 7:39 AM: So you're not telling him, right? Don't be an idiot, Ivy.
I responded with a heavy heart, much to her chagrin.
Ivy 7:40 AM: I'm not telling him. Okay?
Then I sent another text.
Ivy 7:41 AM: But I need your help. Kevin isn't speaking with me right now, and I need someone I trust to help me with this party. Plus, I might need emotional support. Can you come stay the week of Valentine's Day and work for me?
I sent a crying face emoji and waited for her response. It was a single thumbs-up and I knew it meant she was in. Now if I could just survive the guilt until then, it would be over.
Twenty-three days. That was all I had left.