30. Ivy
30
IVY
W ith only four days left until the event and time ticking down, I had Mimi come to town even earlier than planned. Her original idea was to come on the thirteenth to help with final last-minute things, but without Kevin on board right now, I needed more help sooner. I could've just hired someone, but my heart was really messed up and confused right now, and having Mimi near me was an added level of comfort.
She hefted a crate of Christmas decorations toward the door, visibly straining from the weight. I stared at the plastic crate in her hands and watched as she walked past, and my eyes teared up a little seeing the Christmas centerpieces I had worked so hard on. They had been so beautiful on James's tables at his party, and when he told me I could keep them to repurpose or reuse them, I knew I wanted one to keep just for myself.
I stood there staring after Mimi as she continued to help carry things out to the delivery van. Four days to event time meant four days until I had to be out of here too, with all of my belongings. I had to leave this place empty, which made my heart feel empty too. I didn't want to leave this all behind, and it wasn't for the luxury of it. It was because I'd fallen deeply in love with James and the idea that we would have a baby together.
The thought of raising this baby alone scared me, but I knew I could do it. And the longer I adjusted to the idea, the more I liked the thought of having a little one to love me and shower in my affection. So the fairy tale my brain and heart had concocted—one where James fell for me and swept me off my feet like I was a princess—seemed so absurd and far away. The pragmatic reality that he might never look my way again after I told him was the cold truth, and I had to keep that in mind too.
When Mimi walked back in, I was still standing in the same place I'd been when she walked out. I zoned out, staring at the stack of crates left to be put into the delivery van to be hauled to my storage unit. The new storefront was being prepped and renovated and wouldn't be available until the first of March, so in the interim, it meant I was transient.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked, nudging me with her elbow as she turned to look at the crates. "None of them are going to fit. This load is full. We'll have to tackle it in the morning." Mimi raised her arm and looked at her watch and tapped the face of it. "It's too late and I'm getting tired."
"Tired," I repeated, still zoned out. It didn't feel right moving all this stuff out. This place had become my home since I moved in back in November, more so than that hotel room. It felt like the only thing that tethered me to who I used to be, and with a new company, new building, new life, I felt like I lost part of myself. But I felt like with James, I'd found a part of me I didn't know was in there.
"Ivy," Mimi said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Hello…"
I blinked and turned to look at her eyes. She seemed concerned, her forehead furrowed. She rested a hand on my shoulder and shook her head. "Are you okay?" The way her nose scrunched and she cocked her head, I knew what she was thinking. "Did he reject you? Is that why you're so off? You told him about the baby and he shot you down…"
"No, nothing like that," I said, feeling tears streak down my cheeks. I swiped them away and turned away from her as shame warmed me from head to toe.
"Then what?" Mimi got her manhandling skills from Mom, who always made us face her when we were talking. She gripped me by the shoulders and forced me to turn around. "What happened?"
My lip quivered, and I blinked out a few more tears. Leaving this place felt like leaving him, and it was breaking my heart. I hadn’t even told him the truth to even know if he would react poorly, but my heart had it settled. He didn't want me.
"Oh, God, no…" She rolled her eyes and her head rocked on her shoulders. "Come here," she said as she pulled me in for a hug. Her arms wrapped around me tightly, and she shushed me as she rubbed her hands up and down my back. The thick sweater I picked to wear today was scratchy against my skin as she did that. "You're in love, aren't you?"
I sobbed into her shoulder and nodded, and she continued to soothe me for a second. "I don't know what happened, Meems. I just don't want to tell him now…"
"Hey, shh…" Her hand rubbed and rubbed, but eventually, she pulled me away and held me at arm's length with a stern but compassionate look in her eye. "Why don't you want to tell him?"
I sucked in a breath and wiped my cheeks again as I tried to compose myself. "Well, I mean… I tried to tell him. We had this moment, but it got interrupted. And now I just… I don’t want to tell him because what if he hates the fact that I'm pregnant and sends me away? What if it ends everything?"
My head dropped, and she shook me gently by the shoulders. "Then we'll be the most badass mom and aunt who ever lived, and you'll find a prince charming to sweep you off your feet for real. If he is too big of a douche to see how incredible you are, he doesn't deserve you." Her words pricked my heart because I knew they were true.
If Mike had turned me away, I'd have told him to fuck off. But the thought of James saying that to me made me feel terrified. I raised my chin and looked her in the eye, and she sighed.
"Let's have a snack and watch a movie, okay?" she asked, and her head dipped.
"Yeah, okay…" I gestured at the hallway. I left Mimi in her bedroom and moved toward the kitchen where I had Marna set out a charcuterie board and a bottle of sparkling grape juice for us tonight. She had insisted that she stay and cook us a proper meal, but I told her the snack would be fine. And now after that emotional meltdown, I wasn’t even hungry.
When I was on my return trip from the kitchen, I noticed James in the living room and lingered by the door for a few seconds, just long enough for him to see me and stand up.
"Ms. Hart…" He looked surprised but calm. His lips curled into a soft smile and he held up a glass of wine. "Care to join me? I was just thinking of you…"
The chemistry was there. I was drawn to him, but the idea of sitting down with him, even for a second, made me feel nauseous. I'd cave. I would blurt out the truth and get emotional again, and everything would end tonight. I swallowed hard and shook my head. I wasn't ready for it to end tonight. I wanted that dance on Valentine's Day.
"Uh, no, actually…." I looked down at the snack in my hands and back up to his face. "My sister is here. We worked late. Just having a snack before we nod off. Have a lot to get done still." I had told him we wouldn't see each other until the event, and I thought that would be the case. This incidental run-in was not supposed to happen.
"I see. She could join us too." I wondered about the pinch of disappointment I saw in his eyes, but I didn't say anything.
"We're really tired," I said, lying. I wasn't going to sleep again for a month. I was too anxious.
"Tomorrow, then…" he said, sounding hopeful, but I backed away into the darkness.
"Goodnight, James."
I walked back to my room with heaviness in every step and tears welling up again. Four more days of this torture, then a magical dance at his party. And then it was over and my heart could heal. A man like him deserved someone very different from me, even if it was just sex he wanted. I was no good for him.