Chapter 4
Sam
Kyle closed the door in my face and suddenly, I only wanted one thing… I wanted my mom. Even after all this time as a fucking thrall, I still couldn’t escape the instinct to return home, to seek protection. But that was an entirely selfish impulse.
Mom had no idea the supernatural world existed — let alone that I was inadvertently part of it, and it was killing me. I wanted to keep her in the dark. It was safer that way.
She’d been compelled back to peace after Sean’s death at the hands of vampires… and now she didn’t even recall she’d had a son. I’d been complicit in that, removing any evidence of his existence, and the guilt from that added to my torture, gnawing at me.
But the urge to go home, to a place of safety and comfort and a mother’s love, was stronger than my reason and common sense… and I couldn’t ignore my guilt today.
Besides, I didn’t know how long I had left.
At some point, Esmé’s venom would stop feeling good and it would simply overwhelm my system.
How close was I treading to that edge? The highs were already shorter.
Long gone were the days when I could stay blissed out for close to a week after one short feed.
The venom would take my mind first, though, and I wanted to see Mom while I was still lucid enough to appreciate her. While I could still leave her with some good memories of me. I didn’t want anyone needing to wipe me from her mind as well.
I drove to her house almost on autopilot, muscle memory taking me there more than any of my other senses.
It was a small home. Pokey almost, but it was perfect.
It was nestled back from the street behind an overgrown front yard, and neighborhood children used to whisper about the witch who lived there.
That was laughable these days. If only she had been a witch. Maybe she could have helped me now.
I knocked on the old door. The gloss paint on it shone in evidence that Mom took care of her property, and the inside would be neat and tidy and smell like fresh baking and laundry detergent.
My childhood rushed at me as Mom opened the door, and memories wrapped me in a warm hug even before she did.
It was pretty late for an unannounced visit, but Mom only smiled at me. “Samantha.”
She held the door open, and I followed her inside, basking in the warmth and the cleanliness. After the rancid smell of my own home, this one mattered even more.
I wanted to turn the clock back to a time where Sean had never died, and I’d never left. But I’d always been headstrong and thought I knew the ways of the world. Well, hell. I knew them now.
When it was too late.
What was that thing they always said about hindsight? Hindsight could suck my ass. That sounded about right.
I glanced at Mom. Had she aged a little more than the last time I saw her? Was she walking a little slower? Living around immortals messed with my brain, and it was almost like I expected everyone’s aging to be halted in the same way. I lived in a very unnatural world.
A world that shouldn’t have existed. It defied natural order. Even I was evidence of that.
I was going to die before my mom and that definitely wasn’t the natural order.
But I’d fight to keep all of my knowledge from her.
Aside from anything else, it was so much safer for her this way.
The less she knew, the less she had to worry about and the fewer monsters she’d have to worry about hunting her.
Not that Esmé or Brock seemed to worry about human discovery, usually.
Esmé had probably only agreed to help remove Mom’s memories of Sean because she was so grief-stricken herself.
That had probably been the last act of kindness Esmé had ever done.
She’d taken Mom’s memories of Sean, and that had been exactly what Mom had needed.
And if I was going to die, Mom deserved to just lose me clean. An unfortunate death. Not one caused by vampires, one that would rip her whole world apart. Not another one, anyway. And I couldn’t see her mind wiped again.
Yes, for so many reasons, Mom needed to stay in the dark. Even though part of me wanted to tell her every single thing. I was tired of the secrets and living with Esmé because she owned me now.
I followed Mom into her small living room.
It was crammed with furniture that she and my dad had collected over the course of their life together.
Wheel of Fortune blared away on the television, and Mom automatically sat back in her usual chair.
I perched on the edge of a couch that was both careworn and overstuffed.
Lumpy in some places and patchy in others, it conformed to me pretty quickly, offering a ready welcome to my ass.
Since Dad died seven years ago, Mom had followed pretty much the same routine each day, and she’d left the house exactly the same as it was on the day Dad left home for the final time.
When I died, Mom would be all alone. First Dad, then Sean…
next me. Guilt churned in my gut, and I edged closer to Mom’s seat, taking a look at the latest puzzle on the screen as I did so.
“How has that guy not asked for an E?”
Mom turned to me and smiled. “Not enough money to buy it. Sucks to be him, I guess.” Mom nodded sagely as she passed her judgment and I laughed.
The contestant asked for a couple more letters before Mom turned the volume down, signifying her boredom with the show, and turned to me. “How are you getting along with Esmé? Still like having her as a roommate?”
I nodded, already anticipating the next question.
“Any man on the scene yet?”
Luckily, I’d had lots of practice deflecting this line of inquiry, but before I even needed to trot out some well-worn phrase, Mom spoke again.
“I expect you’re too busy at work to find a man of your own, right? Being a private detective must make you pretty jaded, too, I guess. Know too much about the male of the species?”
I nodded again. I didn’t want to speak and dig my lies any deeper. One day, caught without a decent story, I’d just named a local law agency and said I did some freelance work for them. But I tried not to add to my lies if I didn’t absolutely have to.
Luckily, Mom stood. “I’m just heating up leftovers, but can I get some for you?”
I rarely felt hungry anymore, but I nodded. “Sure, Mom. That sounds great.” Because it did. Nothing would match a moment of normalcy with my mom.
“So, how’s the work going anyway? Any exciting cases?”
I almost sighed. Looked like I was going to have to do some more lying after all. I forced a smile to my face, but it felt tight and maybe a little too wide.
“Oh, there’s a guy who’s been cheating on his wife.” I waved a hand like it was the most casual thing in the world. “I’ve been digging up what I can on his history and getting pictures so his wife’s lawyer can get more alimony.” At least I hoped that sounded right.
Mom didn’t question anything. She just bit gently on her lip as she transferred the lasagna from the fridge to the microwave. “I don’t know what the world’s coming to these days,” she said. “Your dad never would have…” She didn’t complete her thought, but I knew.
Their marriage had been perfect. Genuinely perfect. And now she was without him.
She’d be completely alone soon. I couldn’t shake that repeating thought from my head or the guilt that washed over me every time I thought it.
The guilt from earlier returned with a vengeance, and I touched her arm briefly. “I know, Mom.”
I couldn’t say all the things I wanted to say. I wouldn’t get to say goodbye or put my affairs in order, so I needed her to know I cared.
“And you’re still enjoying it?” She ushered me to the small table as she passed me a plate.
I nodded. “Sure.” Then I laughed. “My job pays the bills, I guess.” That part almost wasn’t a lie, anyway, if I considered that my job was feeding Esmé, and she paid all my bills.
Mom’s face creased into a frown, and it looked like the movement was an effort—it probably was. She didn’t usually find a whole lot to frown about, and the expression was unnatural for her. “You need more than just a job, honey. You need—”
“It’s great. Really.” I cut her off before she could launch into all the things she thought I needed in my life. We were growing dangerously close to the man-and-children conversation I’d thought she wasn’t going to have with me today.
She nodded as she served a portion of lasagna onto my plate. “As long as you’re sure.”
“I really am.” I forked a bite of the pasta dish into my mouth. Food didn’t hold the same enjoyment these days, but I could eat to make Mom happy.
As usual, the lasagna was homemade and perfect, the blend of herbs just right and the meat sauce rich. By the time I’d scraped my plate clean, Mom was handing me a wedge of apple pie.
Apple pie accompanied by a meaningful glance.
I knew exactly what that look meant, too. The man-and-children conversation had only been waiting until dessert. I shoveled the apple pie in as fast as good manners would allow, keeping my mouth full so I wouldn’t have to do any talking.
“Have you thought about trying online dating?” Mom said, and there wasn’t enough innocence in her voice for this to be the first time she’d considered advising me to wade into a virtual swamp of strange men.
From what I’d heard from friends before my life went to shit, there was definitely something a little primordial soup about swiping.
I chewed and nodded anyway — but it was only a nod to acknowledge her words, rather than a nod that meant I agreed with them.
“And I’d really like to meet someone you’re seeing… maybe even see you settled before…” She faltered. “Before, you know.” She waved her fork, her piece of pie just barely clinging on. “Before I go.” She loaded the last word with additional meaning, and my heart squeezed.