Chapter 34
MAVERICK
“Eli came over…”
There’s a ringing in my ears because that’s all I hear. Sure, I know she’s still talking, but I can’t focus on what the fuck she’s saying; my mind is fixated on the fact that my drug-addicted little brother was around my girl again.
“…and I think he might actually be serious. If you want, I can help you research some options, so if he does ask, we’re prepared.”
“What?” I manage to say, the word sounding like it’s someone else talking, not me. “What the fuck did you say?”
She falls silent for a second. “I said, Eli came looking for you, and we went for coffee and talked. And I think he wants to consider treatment for his drug addiction. To get better.”
“I… Jesus, Specs. I don’t want you talking to him. Just, fuck. I’ll be home later. We’ll talk about it then.” Our team manager calls us over for boarding. “Gotta go.”
I hang up without giving her a chance to respond, which is a dick move, but I’m so fucking overwhelmed right now.
I know she was trying to help, but my head is a goddamn mess.
Shame about how long I enabled Eli’s habit under the guise of “helping him” is warring with the protective instinct that wants to keep Sadie far away from the dark parts of my past. Then the overwhelming guilt that I’m calling my brother a dark part of my past hits, and I feel like I’m drowning from it all.
Fuck. Who the hell knows what he told her about me, about my childhood. For all I know, she’s discovered just how fucked-up my life was and is busy planning her escape.
I could kill Eli for doing this.
Apparently, my fuck off vibes are strong because no one bothers me the entire flight home.
I should be glad of that. I know I’d snap the head off anyone who tried to ask me about Sadie right now.
But at the same time, a distraction from my fucking thoughts might have helped.
Instead, I spent three hours stewing over what the hell I’m gonna do when I get home.
As soon as the plane lands and we’re free to go, I head to my car without so much as a wave at the guys. Once I’m inside, I open my phone.
MAV: Where are you.
ELI: 10th street grill. Why?
MAV: Stay there.
I reach the dive bar in less than half an hour. The air is rank with stale smoke, sweat, and alcohol. I fucking hate places like this. My foster brother is seated at the bar, a glass full of light amber liquid in front of him.
“Why the fuck did you go see Sadie?” I bark at him, not bothering to sit down. He looks up at me with clear eyes for a change, and for just a second, I see a glimpse of the boy I once knew. Before Colin and I moved out. Before everything went to shit for Eli.
“I was lookin’ for you,” he mumbles, looking back at his drink.
I grab his shoulder and push him roughly, forcing him to look at me. “You don’t go near her ever again. Fucking hear me? If I find out you talked to her, you’re dead to me.”
"Jesus, Mav.” His wounded look does nothing to affect me.
“What do you think I did, fucking attack her? We talked. I wasn’t planning on it, trust me.
I would never…” He shakes his head. “Fuck. I would never do anything to a woman, especially not one who means something to you. I can’t believe you’d even think for a second —”
“Don’t tell me what I think.” My jaw is starting to ache from clenching it while he was attempting to defend himself. “All that matters is that you stay the fuck away from her.”
Eli stands abruptly, his stool scraping along the bar floor. He’s as tall as me now, unlike when we were teenagers and he was a scrawny little thing. He’s still skinny, but now we meet eye to eye.
“Did she tell you what we talked about?” he fires back. Part of me is relieved to see this side of him. This strength I haven’t seen in a long time. It sure as shit beats the dead-eyed junkie I normally see.
“She said something about you getting clean,” I say gruffly, willing to give him that. “And if you’re fucking serious, then we’ll talk.”
Eli shakes his head, and there’s no mistaking the pain on his face. “You don’t believe it. I get it.”
I wave a hand around at the dive bar. “Well, when I find you in places like this, where I know damn well your dealer is just waiting for you, what am I supposed to think?”
That pain I saw a second ago morphs to anger.
“You know what, Mav. Fuck you. Fuck you and your goddamn moral high ground. You think you’re better than me?
I might have fucked up in the past, but at least I’m trying to do better.
At least I’m open to doing better. To being a better man.
You’re so fucking trapped in the past, in who you think you are, you can’t let yourself be happy for even a second.
I’m betting you got mad at Sadie for talking to me, didn’t you? ”
His accurate assumption hits just the way he planned. My hands ball into fists as I step forward. He notices and scoffs.
“What? You gonna punch me, like you do any other guy you think is fucking around with a woman? You really think I’m like them?
Fuck off. I thought we were brothers. Brothers don’t turn on each other.
Brothers don’t walk away. But that’s what you’re good at, isn’t it?
Shutting people out and walking away. You did it ten years ago, and you’re gonna do it again now. ”
My heart stops. At least that’s what it feels like. “Is that what you think?” I say hoarsely, unable to comprehend how the fuck Eli thinks I ever abandoned him. “After everything I’ve done? All the times I’ve looked the other way or bailed you out of shit? You think I walked away from you?”
I can’t stay here looking at his angry face any longer. Turning on my heel, I do exactly what he’s accusing me of. I walk away. But a hand grabs my shoulder. My bad one. And I turn to see a fist flying at me out of nowhere.
I take the punch. It’s not a hard one, and I know Eli didn’t put his full strength behind it, but it still snaps my head back when it connects with my cheek. Lifting my hand to check for blood, I stare at him. “Feel better now?”
The bar around us is silent. Guess they’re used to the occasional fight because no one is coming to kick us out.
“Fuck you, Mav,” Eli says hoarsely, his voice thick with emotion. “Fuck you.”
I nod once, then turn away from him again. This time, he doesn’t stop me from walking out.
When I get back to the apartment, my cheek is throbbing and my mood is as black as the night sky.
After leaving the bar, I didn’t go straight home, even though I knew Sadie was waiting.
At some point, I turned off my phone to silence the notifications coming through.
The truth is, I don’t know what to say to her.
Hell, I don’t even know if I can face her.
In the back of my mind, I know she doesn’t deserve this.
But that’s overshadowed by this unwavering need to protect myself.
To put an end to us before she gets any further under my skin.
Before she gets close enough to hurt me.
Except I’m almost certain it’s too late for that.
Pushing my front door open, I take in the silent apartment, the only light coming from a lamp next to the couch.
“Thank God you’re back!” Sadie comes flying out of the bedroom and straight into my arms, which band around her automatically. My mind might know I need to put distance between us, but my body hasn’t caught up.
“Where were you? I thought your flight landed hours ago.” She lifts her head and her eyes widen. “Oh my God, your face! What happened?”
Fingertips lightly brush my bruised cheek and I pull back. “I went to see Eli.”
“And he punched you?” She tries to step toward me, but I step back, making her freeze. “Maverick, what’s going on?”
“You shouldn’t have talked to him. I didn’t ask you to get involved in his shit.”
“What? Maverick, I was just trying to help.” She gives me a confused look, and it just about breaks me. But Eli was right. I’m good at walking away. I can do this.
“I didn’t ask you to help. I actually remember telling you not to. Telling you to leave it alone.”
“You never said that. I asked about your family, about Eli, and you said you didn’t want to talk about it. That’s it. That’s all you said.” Her voice is starting to shake.
“Doesn’t matter,” I growl. “It’s not your responsibility to deal with my brother, it’s mine.”
“I care about you, Maverick,” she cries. “That means I care about your family. And I’m not going to just sit back and not do anything when I think I can help!”
“I didn’t ask you to help,” I repeat, grinding out the words between clenched teeth.
When Sadie speaks again, she sounds so fucking sad, it’s like a dagger to my heart. “Oh, Maverick. What happened to you? Why can’t you let someone be by your side to support you and help you with the hard things?”
“Because no one has ever been there. My entire life, no one has ever supported me.” The confession falls out of me, and if anything, it fuels my anger.
How dare she pull these truths from me? I’ve never told a fucking soul how alone I’ve always felt.
How hard I fight, day in and day out, to carry shit by myself, not even letting Colin get too close.
“I’m here. I’m trying to be here for you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t. You can’t fix things for everybody else, Sadie. Go and fix your own shit instead. Why are you spending your life always trying to make everyone else happy and never yourself? Jesus. Focus on that and not my brother. Not my life.”
“Wow,” she says bitterly. “That’s harsh.
Even for you.” Her arms are wrapped around her stomach now.
“You know what, I’m going to go. You need to figure out what you’re really mad about.
Because it isn’t about me talking to Eli, is it?
” She shakes her head. “I thought we were past this and you weren’t that guy anymore, the one who reacts first and thinks last. Guess I was wrong. ”
I want to shout at her and tell her she’s not wrong.
That I have changed because of her. But I can’t make myself say it.
I can’t tell her how fucking terrified I am that she’ll see all of me, all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and just like everyone else — my mom, my dad, every foster parent, every so-called friend — she’ll leave.
It’s better this way. Better I make her go while I can still convince myself she was nothing to me. That I’m fine alone, the way it used to be.
My silence sends a message. I watch her turn and walk into the bedroom, emerging a few minutes later with her suitcase.
“I’m going to go now.” Her voice is hollow as she comes to a stop in front of me.
“I hope you find a way forward, even if it’s not with me.
You’re a good man, Maverick. But if you don’t find a way to let go of this misbelief that you need to go through life alone, then I worry the good that’s inside of you will never be seen by the world.
And you deserve to be seen. All of you.”
I don’t turn to watch her leave, knowing that part of me would want to stop her, to get on my knees and beg her to forgive me and to help pull me back to her light. But I can’t do that. I won’t do that.
So I stay there, staring at the wall, until I hear the door softly close.
And then I sink to the floor and let my head hang heavy with the weight of what I’ve done.