6. Lottie
LOTTIE
A nother shrill scream evicts from my lungs as I look down at the bodies of Romeo and Juliette, and oddly enough, Carlotta crawling between them.
And well, there seems to be a smattering of what look to be my sugar cookies clutched in each of their hands. I can’t blame them. They really are the softest sugar cookies I have ever made. Not a bad last meal, if I do say so myself.
“Help me up, Lot,” Carlotta cries as an icy wind whips through here in the parking lot behind the Evergreen Manor, and the scent of damp earth and something metallic clots up my senses. “Looks like that little red tights-wearing weirdo who runs around with a bow and arrow this time of year missed his mark!” She cups her hands around her mouth. “Everybody run! Cupid’s on the loose and he’s gone stupid! He’s armed and dangerous and has a classic case of bad aim!”
“Would you hush,” I’m quick to admonish her. “You’re making everything worse.”
“I’m sitting on two dead bodies, Lot. It can’t get any worse than this!”
“ Lemon ?” Everett thunders and I turn to see both him and Noah bolting this way.
“What’s going on?” Noah’s eyes are wide as he practically slides on his knees over to the bodies as if he were sliding into home and immediately begins to check for pulses. “Geez, they’re both gone,” he howls. “And are these… arrows ?” he asks, sounding more than a little bewildered.
Carlotta grunts from her awkward perch between the deceased. “You’re not the brightest bulb in the box if you can’t figure that one out. Now help me up. I’ve still got a beating heart but not for long. I think Lot Lot’s murder mojo is still hot-to-trot tonight.” She sits up straight and gasps. “It’s those Little Yippies eating up her brain! They’re requiring human sacrifices now.”
“Would you stop,” I hiss as Everett holds me back from lunging on top of her and bopping her on the head.
“I don’t know, Lot,” Noah says as he hoists Carlotta out from between the newfound cadavers among us. “You are having twins. She has a point.”
“She has no point,” Everett growls. “I’ll make a point by plucking one of those arrows free and shoving it in your chest instead. What are you thinking, trying to spook Lemon like that?”
My lips twitch with a hint of a smile because I just love the way Everett fiercely protects me. And besides that, I love it when he calls me Lemon. In fact, it’s what he exclusively calls me.
“I’m not trying to spook anyone.” Noah pauses to shout into his phone for backup, and within seconds the wail of deputy vehicles can be heard for miles. “I’m just saying Carlotta isn’t wrong. Lottie is pregnant with twins and we have a double homicide on our hands.” His eyes widen a notch. “And I am most definitely not implying that one has anything to do with the other.”
I suck in a quick breath. “Well, it sure sounds that way.”
“It sounds that way to me, too. You were warned,” Everett says, letting go of me and stomping his way to Noah before pulling back his arm and connecting his fist to Noah’s jaw with a definitive crack.
Noah says something unintelligible before staggering backward, inadvertently knocking Carlotta to the ground once again, and then following right along with her. And they both land square over the bodies already twisted beneath them.
“ Ooh , Everett.” I motion to the madness at our feet as Noah and Carlotta begin to squirm. “Would you please help them up? They could put an eye out with those arrows. And try not to hit Noah again. He’s got a double homicide on his hands and he really needs to get his head in the game.”
Everett helps them both up and Noah offers me a mournful smile.
“I’m sorry, Lot,” he says, wrapping his arms around me briefly. “I was doing
everything in my power to keep you safe—to keep everyone here safe tonight and I failed. Forgive every word that came out of my mouth.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I tell him as Carlotta swats at her clothes as if a dozen spiders were crawling all over her.
“He’s right,” Everett says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and glaring at Noah. “He did his best to protect everyone in this building tonight and I tried my hand at it, too. I checked with security to make sure every one of their cameras was on and functioning. But it didn’t matter. I should have stayed with you and kept you safe and warm.”
Carlotta shrugs. “You know what they say, the best way to keep warm is from the inside out. The van from the bakery is vacant. I say you two go at it.” She nudges Noah with her elbow. “Get your phone ready. I want to get them from two angles. My pay-per-view Insta Pictures account is running dry and I need new content. A nude Baxter almost guarantees a five-digit month.”
“Just five?” Everett lifts a brow.
A growl of irritation works its way up my throat. “It doesn’t matter what it is. It’s not happening.”
Noah ticks his head to the side. “Sounds like someone isn’t getting lucky tonight.” He sheds a smart-aleck grin just as a legion of deputies swarm the grounds along with Ivy Fairbanks, a leggy redhead who works with Noah down at the homicide division.
It’s no secret that Ivy has the hots for Noah and not so much any affection whatsoever for me.
I do my best to hide behind Everett, an impossible feat in and of itself, but an eight-month pregnant woman with a belly full of children can dream.
“ You ,” Ivy shouts with a strangled groan. “You have gone too far this time. Heck, you go too far every time. And I don’t need a road map to know you discovered the bodies.”
“Technically, it was her.” I’m quick to point at Carlotta, and Ivy only groans twice as hard.
“You’re basically the same person,” she gravels it out before turning back to the bodies at hand.
Everett shuttles me away from Ivy’s ire and the crime scene just as a swarm of bodies pours out of every orifice the Evergreen Manor has to offer.
“Wait—” I try to dig in my heels. “I forgot to sweep the vicinity for clues.”
“Not your job,” Everett growls.
“That’s right, Lot.” Carlotta runs up next to us with a platter of my conversation heart cookies in her arms. “This here is your job.” She hikes the cookies up a notch. “And you’re good at it, too. This cookie even says so.” She wags it our way and it has the words I’m the best written across it. “ Ohh , wait.” Carlotta winks my way. “Maybe you think you’re the best at something else.” She waggles her brows as if to prove her naughty point.
Everett nods. “And I can attest she is.”
We don’t get three steps closer to the Evergreen Manor before another crowd rushes past us to see what all of the homicidal hullabaloo is about.
My mother and two of my sisters traipse this way with distressed looks on their faces—with my mother’s face being the most distressed of them all.
Miranda Lemon looks impeccable for her age, with her lemony blonde locks that bounce around her shoulders, her ruby red bowtie lips, and those blue eyes with more than a hint of mischief usually buried in them. But right now, the only thing buried in them is…anger?
“ Lottie Lemon ,” my mother’s shriek splits the chilly air as she charges through the crowd, practically tearing a path my way.
Lainey cranes her neck past me and gasps. Lainey and I could pass as blood sisters since we share the same caramel locks and hazel eyes. Meg could pass as Morticia Addams’ long-lost sister. She dyes her locks a harsh shade of umber and teases them to the sky, and almost exclusively wears black, more black, and pairs the look with combat boots. With the exception of now, where she has a pale piece of muslin cloth wrapped around her torso, giving off some serious mummy vibes.
“Oh, for the love of lemon bars!” Lainey breathes, clutching at her enormous belly. “Lottie, please tell me this isn’t another one of your corpses. Aren’t you getting a little too old to play dress-up as the Grim Reaper?”
“You’re hilarious,” I flatline.
Meg huffs a dry laugh. “The coroner just pulled out two body bags from the back of his van. It looks to me as if she’s going out with a bang.” Meg shrugs my way. “Unless, of course, you’re going out with a slash. So how’d you do it?”
“She didn’t,” Everett is quick to pipe up, and with marked irritation, might I add. “Lemon isn’t responsible for this, and I don’t want anyone making her feel that way.”
“That’s right, you pack of sour Lemons,” Carlotta says while nibbling on a cookie. “And don’t try to egg her on. Everett just knocked Foxy’s teeth loose for even thinking about it.”
“He did not,” I counter. “Or at least he didn’t knock anything loose. I hope.”
Mom waves me off. “You listen to me, little lady, and you listen good.” She wags a finger in my face. “Lottie, what did I say about murder and community functions?” She tosses a hand out at the melee at large. “This is exactly the kind of deadly drama we cannot afford! Your sister is due in two weeks, and I have a wedding to pull off in one—a double wedding no less!” Her voice lowers to a hiss. “You’ve got to get all this murder nonsense out of your system, and fast. I don’t care how many people you have to kill to do it. And I don’t care if half of Honey Hollow disappears because of it. I forbid you to drag a corpse down the aisle or into the delivery room. Do you hear me, young lady?”
I suck in my lower lip for a second. “I do and I understand. I’ll do my best to keep the corpses relegated to the morgue.”
“Oh, you ,” she growls at the sky before tossing her arms up and running back into the building.
Noah crops up next to us. “Ivy is going to take care of things for me tonight.” He wraps an arm around me firmly. “And I’m going to make sure the mother of my child is taken care of. Let’s get inside, ladies.”
“What do you think I was doing?” Everett asks just as a couple of familiar faces stride in this direction.
It’s Venus and Shelly.
Venus is the first to reach us. “Lottie, Noah, what’s going on?”
Noah takes a breath. “It appears there was some sort of an accident.” He winces. “Two people have perished.”
“What kind of an accident?” Shelly squints his way as if she’s not sure she believes him.
“It was a homicide.” He nods.
“Romeo and Juliette bit the big one,” Carlotta pipes up without warrant, as she’s prone to do.
“What?” Shelly gasps as she hikes up on her tiptoes. “I don’t believe it.”
“They’re dead?” Venus says, stunned, and her face grows pale as meringue. “Oh no, oh no,” she murmurs, her eyes darting from me to the grisly scene. “They were… oh, this is… well, I just knew tonight was cursed.”
“Cursed is right. But who would want to kill those two?” Shelly grabs ahold of her friend and her emerald pantsuit sparkles like miniature green stars. She nods at Noah. “They were well loved by everyone.”
Venus swallows hard and nods. “Excuse me, I’d like to pay my respects.” She takes off and Shelly follows.
We’re about to head toward the manor just as my mother runs this way, waving her arms like mad.
“Noah! Oh, thank heavens,” she cries as she takes him by the hand. “You have to come quick. It’s your mother!”