7. Noah
NOAH
M iranda leads the charge into the Evergreen Manor, where the lights are dim, the music is loud, and the laughter is still yet louder. Thankfully, most people are still oblivious to the horror outside.
Miranda steers us to the left, where Lily (a sassy brunette) and Effie (an even sassier brunette), two employees from Lottie’s bakery, are huddled around my mother.
Mom is a stocky blonde with a blunt demeanor that has caused her more trouble than it’s worth. But she’ll never admit it. Currently, she has a small white towel pressed to her mouth while Lily and Effie fuss all over her.
“Mom, what’s wrong? Are you feeling ill?” I charge at her, and both Lily and Effie take a step back. My adrenaline has already hit its zenith after seeing Lottie with those bodies outside. This isn’t helping the matter.
“ Thith ith what’s wrong ,” she says, pulling back the towel and opening her mouth wide enough for us to see the horror, and about half the ballroom shrieks in terror, or at least that’s what it sounds like.
“ Geez .” I lean back hard just as my brother Alex runs up.
“Glad they found you.” He pats me on the back with a laugh. Alex is my younger look-alike, and for the most part, we are alike in every way except for the fact that he seems to find humor in just about every situation, even when it’s not appropriate. Like this one.
“ Mom ,” I say, sounding like a wounded animal in the process. “What the heck happened to your teeth?”
Her four front upper teeth have broken off into splinters of varying sizes, and each one is badly misshapen.
“Did you get in a fistfight, Suze Q?” Carlotta doesn’t hesitate to ask. But in truth, I’m curious about that myself.
Mom shakes her head. “I bith into a cookie,” she says, sounding as if her cheeks were filled with cotton. Or cookies, as it were.
“A cookie?” Lottie steps forward. “Well, I know for a fact it wasn’t one of mine.”
Her sister Lainey jumps up next to her, and seeing their round bellies side by side looks sweet and yet slightly comical—but I would never say that out loud.
They’re both beautiful, and Lottie is a vision, especially when she’s carrying a child or in this case, two. I couldn’t love every inch of her more if I tried.
“ It wath thith cookie ,” Mom says, pointing to the table behind her that just so happens to have a sign above it that reads, Cupid’s Confection: Where a love connection is made with your mouth and our sweet treats!
“Love connection, my foot,” Carlotta harps. “You would have had better luck chewing on my toenails. I think you should take a restraining order out on those cookies, Suze. They’re out to get you!”
“Oh, they are not,” Lottie says as she goes over and picks up a sugar cookie, attempting to snap it in half but failing. “Okay, so maybe the sugar gods were stacked against you. These may as well be made of granite. But to be fair, they do have a reputation for less-than-stellar cookies.”
“Reputation?” Carlotta huffs a laugh. “Try infamy. Suze, that cookie has a grudge against your smile. Honestly, all people do. It’s not our fault you look demented when you do it.”
Lainey rolls her eyes. “Carlotta, the theme of these cookies was love . Not criticism.”
“Forget love”—Carlotta goes on. “That cookie was aiming to put you in dentures by morning. Face it, Suze. You’re a dental horror movie waiting to happen.”
Mom waves her off. “Forget restraining orders. I’m suing.” She points at Everett. “Essex, you’ll be my lawyer.”
Essex would be Everett’s formal moniker, which he abandoned eons ago in favor of his far humbler-sounding middle name. Oddly, the legion of women he’s slept with tout his formal name as if it were some prize. Except his mother, my mother, and his sister. They simply prefer it.
“I don’t think you can sue,” Meg grunts, just as that beige scarf strapped to her body begins to squirm. “The owners of this cookie catastrophe just kicked the bucket.” She pulls apart the beige wrap and reveals her newborn daughter wiggling in pink pajamas. Both Meg and my twin Sam each had a baby girl last month. On the same day, no less.
“Oh my word.” Lottie waddles her way. “Is that my sweet niece, Piper? Meg Lemon, how could you be holding out on me all night? Give that baby to me right this minute.”
“I don’t leave the house without her,” Meg says, splitting the top of her dress open and whipping out a boob.
Geez —Everett, Alex, and I each turn our heads abruptly as if she slapped the three of us with it at once. And by the looks of it, it was plenty big enough to do the job.
I remember when Lot’s milk came in—hers had tripled in size. And thanks to the fact the top of her dress is formfitting tonight, it looks as if she’s about quadrupled this go-round.
“Oh, come on,” Meg growls at the entire lot of us. “I know you’ve all seen a boob before—you’ve either got ’em or you’ve seen Lot’s. I’m including you in that number, Alex.”
Alex laughs as Lily gasps and heads his way to swat him.
“I think it’s time for us to leave,” Lily says, shooting Lottie the side-eye. “Little Levi likes for us to read him a story before bed.”
Levi is the baby that Alex had with one of my exes, Cormack Featherby. And trust me, nobody dares say that woman’s name out loud. She was, and always will be, trouble. Although she’s incarcerated at the moment in a women’s correctional facility—the psychiatric division, so we’re safe—for now. And now that Lily is dating Alex, she’s stepped into the motherly role and is doing a stellar job at it, too. Both she and Alex are.
“Go on,” I tell my brother. “I’ll take care of Mom.”
They say their goodbyes, and Mom begins to moan uncontrollably.
Miranda steps over to my mother and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Why don’t Wiley and I take you to the emergency room?” she offers.
Wiley would be my father, not to mention my mother’s notoriously bad ex-husband. Not only did he spend years being unfaithful to her, but he dumped our family and married Everett’s mother, Eliza, for a time.
That ended badly when he took off with Eliza’s millions and faked his own death.
My father certainly has a way with women. And now that he’s dating Lottie’s mother, I’m not taking my eyes off of him. I made it crystal clear that I’m due for an accidental discharge with my gun, and it will coincidentally happen the day he breaks Miranda Lemon’s heart.
I’d like to say he’s toeing the line because of it, but it wouldn’t be the first time my father has had a death wish.
“Are you sure?” I nod to Miranda. “I don’t mind taking her in.”
“Oh, Noah, you have your hands full here. You find that killer before my double wedding on Valentine’s Day, or there will be a body count, all right.”
I think I’ve just been threatened with the morgue.
In fact, I know I have.
“It’s not your wedding, Mom,” Meg gruffs. “Sam and I can take it from here.”
“The heck you can,” Miranda says, still maintaining that same life-threatening tone. “This double wedding is taking place at my B&B, and I will make sure nothing goes wrong to the very last detail.”
I frown at the thought because it just so happens to be my twin sister who will be getting hitched along with Meg.
Meg is marrying the love of her life, Hook Redwood. But Sam is marrying a former drug lord who Everett and I helped put away a million years ago.
Sure, he says he’s changed his ways, but the fact that he’s the father of both Meg’s and Sam’s baby says he’s still wearing the same old deceptive spots. And I certainly am not pleased with the fact that he’s the one Sam has decided will put a ring on her finger. I don’t have a good feeling about this. Just like I didn’t have a good feeling about this night. Especially not after Lottie saw that poodle that no one else could.
“Did everyone hear that?” Miranda shouts well above the music. “Nothing will go wrong on Valentine’s Day!” Miranda points a finger at Lottie. “Even if that means locking the gates to keep you out. Now let’s go.” She tries to move my mother, but my mother won’t budge.
“ Mom .” Lottie’s mouth falls open in horror.
“Never mind the fact the killer is among us.” Mom, too, points to Lottie. “I need to sue for compensation. If I can’t sue the dead, I’ll sue the living. I’ll sue the Evergreen Manor. You hear that, Essex? Geth the paperwork rolling . I’ll need the payout to spring for my new teeth. Especially since not one of my sons bothered to become a dentist.” She shoots me an incriminating look, and with her newfound fangs, it’s a disconcerting sight.
“You can still sue the deceased,” Everett tells her calmly. “I’m sure they’re incorporated. The stale cookie show will still go on without them until the company is reconfigured. Get yourself all the dental work you’ll need without worrying about it. Leave the details to me.”
My mother folds her hands his way and wags them as if praying to him, worse yet as if spontaneously worshipping him as women are prone to do.
I don’t get it. Don’t want to.
No sooner do Miranda and my mother take off than Lainey grips her belly and doubles over with a hard groan.
This night is quickly taking a turn for the medical.
My thoughts flit to the dead couple outside. And it has already taken a turn for the morgue.
A double wedding might be on the horizon, but a double homicide just jumped in line for my attention.