Chapter 37 Cassidy
The day of the wedding finally arrives, and I’m dying to hop on the flight home.
And I hate that.
I hate that I can’t just be happy for my brother and my best friend as they start the rest of their lives together. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about the guys and how ridiculously much I love them.
I hate that I want more than what can realistically happen.
I guess I’m just a glutton for heartbreak.
“You look so beautiful!” Becca gasps as Sarah stands in front of a large standing mirror in her ballgown wedding dress with its cap sleeves and lace fabric.
My chest aches as Sarah does a little spin in front of everyone, not a single strand of her hair falling out of her elegant, braided bun. She looks incredible.
I knew she would.
I was there when she first tried on that dress and decided that was the one.
“Just like a princess,” Kara quips as she gives Sarah’s train a gentle fluff.
Sarah sucks in a deep breath as she turns back to the mirror, inspecting every inch of herself. “I can’t believe today is finally here. I’m about to get married.”
The other bridesmaids clap and cheer for her, making some of the nervousness on her face fade away. Even as my heart hurts, I join in because I love her and want the best for her.
She deserves a perfect day. I’m not going to ruin it with my own drama.
I was supposed to give a toast during the reception, but I found someone else to take my place. It just doesn’t seem appropriate given everything that has happened. I doubt Ryan wants to hear anything that I have to say.
Once the toasts are given and the cake is cut, I’ll slip away from the reception quietly, grab my things from my room, check out, and head to the airport.
I’m sure people will start blowing up my phone once they figure out that I’m gone, but I’ll just tell them I had to tend to something back at home and will be back in contact soon.
Eventually, everyone will know the truth because it’ll be impossible for me to hide a baby, but they don’t need to know it right now.
All they need to know now is that I’m the maid of honor. The person still holding this wedding together.
I check the time on my phone before approaching the group of bridesmaids surrounding Sarah. “It’s time for everyone to get in their places.”
A current of joyful, nervous energy radiates throughout the room as everyone grabs their white bouquets and fixes their lilac-colored dresses. They file out of the room, chatting excitedly, until it’s just Sarah and me all alone.
I should follow them, but my feet are rooted to the spot as we gaze at each other. We haven’t really spoken since the night she snuck into my room.
I can only imagine the things Ryan has been saying to her.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Sarah tells me as she slowly moves toward me, her train dragging behind her.
My throat tightens. “You are?”
Her face softens as she stops in front of me. “Of course, I am. You’re my best friend, Cassidy.”
I clench my jaw for a second, stopping myself from crying and ruining the makeup I spent thirty minutes doing. This isn’t the time to fall apart.
“We should get in our places. The ceremony is going to start soon,” I say, my voice coming out stiff.
Sarah shakes her head. “We have some time. I’ve been meaning to talk to you again.”
“We can do this another time. You’re about to get married!” I remind her as I gently take her hands, trying to lead her toward the door.
If Ryan finds out that I’m the reason why his bride is late reaching the altar, he’ll probably be furious.
Sarah tightens her grip on my hands, stopping me in my tracks. “Talk to me. You’re acting…off.”
“A lot has happened.”
“Since we last talked?”
I lower my eyes. “Yes.”
“Tell me,” she sighs, tugging me closer. “I want to know. Maybe I can help.”
I let out a dry laugh. “This is my mess, Sarah. Even I can’t help myself out of it. Not fully.”
She frowns. “Did you get the paternity results back?”
“They were inconclusive. We can retest later, but…”
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I admit. “I think they all want to be involved with the baby regardless of who the father is.”
Her face brightens a little. “Well, isn’t that a good thing? You’d have a good support system.”
“It’s so selfish of me, but I don’t want them in my life only to help raise the baby,” I sigh, guilt twisting in my stomach. “I want them in my life because they have feelings for me.”
Her eyes widen in realization. “You love them.”
“For a while now,” I tell her, my eyes starting to sting. “I just didn’t want to admit it. That makes everything so much more complicated.”
“Aw,” she sighs as she gives my hands a squeeze. “Love isn’t complicated. We make it complicated by adding our own drama and confusion.”
Well, drama and confusion have been the highlights of my life lately.
“I don’t know if I can be in a relationship that makes my brother not even want to talk to me,” I admit, my heart sinking lower and lower. “I don’t want my relationships destroying each other. How can I be happy in the midst of that?”
“Ryan is your family. You’re not going to lose him. He’ll come around,” Sarah replies. “But you could lose the guys if you’re not honest with them.”
“I’m going to lose them regardless!” I tell her as I pull my hands away, my fear spiking. “They would be crazy too if they accepted my fantasy of a big, happy family with the four of us being together.”
Sarah places her hands on her hips, a stern look forming on her face.
“There’s nothing wrong with a little crazy in your life.
Besides, this would be a good kind of crazy!
You’d have three guys to love you and care for you, and they would be around to help raise the baby too. That sounds like a dream!”
“Exactly. A dream,” I say with a shake of my head. “How could they be okay with sharing me like that? How could they not be jealous of each other?”
Sarah shrugs. “That’s something you’ll need to ask them, Cass. They’re the only ones who have the answers to your questions.”
If only there was a way to ask them anonymously without putting my heart and pride on the line.
“I’m too scared to ask them. I don’t want to hear their rejections or see how weirded out they look by me,” I tell her in a quiet voice.
Sarah sighs and carefully adjusts the butterfly pin in my hair that the other bridesmaids have too. “Love requires risk. If you want to be with them, you have to tell them.”
“What if I scare them away? What if they don’t even want to be around for the baby after I tell them how I feel?” I ask her, still scrambling for any answer at all. She has to have some insight for me.
“Then, they’re not right for you,” Sarah replies. “The right guy or guys will stick by your side and your child no matter what. They won’t let anything or anyone scare them off.”
That sounds like the guys in theory, but I haven’t truly put them to the test yet.
Will they stay or go?
Will they step up or step back completely?
There’s only one way to find out, and it makes me nauseous just thinking about bringing this conversation up with them. I’ve snapped at the guys for caring too much and told Tyler that I don’t even want to talk to them for about a week.
Could I blame them if they decided to cut their ties with me and abandon me when all I’ve done is push them away?
“We should really go,” I tell her, still not ready to make that final decision.
Sarah looks disappointed, but she nods.
“Hey, perk up,” I say, giving her a warm smile. “You’re about to get married!”
Her face brightens, and she takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
With our arms looped together, I lead her out of the dressing room and to the large ballroom in the resort where the ceremony will be held. She visibly brims with excitement, slightly shaking from her happy nerves.
The bridesmaids wait outside the large double doors, ready to enter as we all diligently practiced. The officiant, groom, best man, and groomsmen should all already be in position inside.
Will the guys be there? Did Ryan even let them show up?
“Okay, everyone get in line. Remember your order,” I tell everyone, keeping my voice as steady as possible.
The bridesmaids fall into their positions, still whispering and giggling to each other.
Sarah goes to the very back, and I can hear her doing breathing exercises to calm herself down. I don’t have to worry about her running from the altar, but I might have to worry about her passing out from all the excitement.
Wedding days are happy days, but they don’t come without stress.
“We’re ready,” I tell the resort worker, who nods and hurries away to tell the people inside who need to know.
My stomach knots up with nervousness as I move to the front of the line, hearing the processional music playing inside. This isn’t even my wedding, but I’m still walking down that aisle toward the men I love.
As the double doors open, I can’t help but wonder if I made the right call booking that flight so hastily or if it was the best plan I could’ve come up with.