Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
He stood like stone, body on fire, emotions roiling, unable to move his gaze from the one thing he was most desperate for.
Finally, she was there, with him, where she was supposed to be.
The beast that had been snarling and snapping for days was finally quiet…
because their master was there. The leash that had snapped was still frayed and broken, but he had hold of it now.
At least he hoped he did—he’d never let the beast inside him loose before, always terrified of losing control, of slipping, of showing his weaknesses.
For years, he’d held himself in complete control, not yielding a fucking inch to his baser instincts for fear of becoming like his father, but that first night he’d seen Kendra, had stepped into her presence, had felt the warmth of her gaze and the brilliance of her smile…
the dark abyss in which he’d imprisoned that beast began to crumble… and he’d been denying it all along.
And now, he discovered he didn’t give a shit if that baser, darker, most predatory part of him was loose, because he’d gotten the results he’d wanted—his wife was in his keeping, and she was pregnant with his baby.
Mine!
Mate!
The beast inside him growled, and he barely bit back the sound from leaving his chest.
A powerful surge of pride, of possessiveness filled him, making his skin feel tight and his blood heat.
He’d wanted to kiss her until all her breaths were his, all her moans of pleasure were his, all her thoughts were of him, but he knew he needed to be careful with her.
He’d ended their kiss, lead her into the sitting room from the bedroom—away from the bed that was all too tempting—and now she was staring at him, eyes narrowed, arms crossed, her lips swollen from his kisses, and her hair in adorable disarray.
He’d had to chase her to their home in Schroon Lake, but that wasn’t what bothered him—the flight had only taken 45 minutes, and he’d taken a car from the landing site on the soccer field at a small Bible college one town over.
He’d donated money to them for the inconvenience.
What bothered him was that she was in the Schroon Lake house in the first place, not at home where she would be safe, protected, provided for—
Whose fault is that, asshole?
“Why did you run?” he asked, his voice like a whip crack in the heavy silence of the room.
She glared at him, huffing. “I didn’t feel particularly welcome, Gideon,” she replied flatly.
“You’d just told me I was nothing more than a cum receptacle and heir incubator, and that fucking me was a disgusting chore—oh!
Let’s not forget how I’m such a failure because I couldn’t even do the most basic thing a woman can do, right?
No baby, no worth, right Gideon Maddox?” As she spoke, her voice had gone from flat to heated, until she was vibrating with barely restrained emotions.
His kind, sweet, modest wife had used crude language, and he was both shocked and turned on—but now was not the time to focus on that, because the woman was bleeding her pain all over him.
Moving, he sat down next to her on the plush couch, one she’d personally chosen, taking her hands in his. She tugged, trying to break free of his hold, but he refused to let go.
Finally, after a short struggle, she stopped, though her glare was still in place.
“What do you want, Gideon? Obviously it’s something because otherwise why would you even bother looking for me, enlisting the help of your brother to spy on Cora?”
He sighed, then replied, his voice as gentle as he could make it when all he wanted to do was drag her into his arms and squeeze her until she was a physical part of him. “I saw the packages, Kendra.”
Suddenly, his soft wife was made of stone. She stiffened, her eyes widening with shock, her face bleaching of color.
“Packages?” she whispered.
He nodded. “I know about the baby—”
Color returning to her face—red and vibrant—she hissed, “Is that why you’re here? Now that I’m carrying the Maddox heir you—”
He quickly pressed a kiss to her lips, silencing her. The desire to deepen the kiss, to taste her, to let the beast free and ravish her was like a fever in his blood, an aching in his bones, but he knew she wouldn’t welcome him, and he didn’t blame her.
There will be time for that once I get her home where she belongs.
“I’m here because I can’t be anywhere else, not if I want to breathe,” he said simply, as though he hadn’t just opened his own chest to reveal his beating heart to her.
“I know three words spoken without a history of sincerity are meaningless, that no matter how I phrase it, you won’t believe how truly sorry I am for what I said. ”
“You’re right, Gideon; there isn’t a thing you can say that will erase, not only what you said to me, but also the ugly truth about the last three years, and how they meant nothing to you.”
He cursed, thrusting his hand through his hair.
It was unlike him to be so…ruffled—losing control, allowing mess or disorder to touch him was anathema—a bane, something that could only herald his downfall.
But right there, standing before a woman who unknowingly held so much of this truth in her hands…
he didn’t know how to be the man he was before, that uncaring, unruffled, dignified, and utterly malicious asshole.
Gideon didn’t know how to be anything other than the abandoned son of a Greek tragedy and a vicious degenerate.
He didn’t know how to be anything other than the unbreakable, invulnerable fortress for his younger brothers, protecting them, supporting them.
He didn’t know how to be anything other than the greedy emperor, brutally conquering and laying waste to those who’d oppose him and his family.
He didn’t know how to be anything but the cold, methodical, heartless machine he’d had to become in order to survive.
But Kendra doesn’t deserve the cold machine, she deserves the human…a flesh and blood person with emotions and flaws.
What he deserved was a kick in the ass and divorce decree, but he didn’t know how to be anything but selfish, and he found that he couldn’t leave Kendra…and their child.
And that meant doing something he’d never done before.
Apologize.
“You believe that the last three years meant nothing to me, and you have all the evidence to support that; I wasn’t a good husband, I wasn’t even a shitty husband; I was an absent husband, one that was there in body but not in affection or attention or even time.
I gave you the bottom of the barrel while the rest of the world—the people and things that don’t truly matter—got the best of me. ”
Kendra was staring at him, her eyes wide, her face pale, like she’d just seen a ghost.
Her voice barely there, she murmured, “What?” like she couldn’t believe what he’d said.
He couldn’t believe it either; he was allowing himself to look weak in front of the person who needed him to be strong.
Strength isn’t what she needs, sincerity is….
Why did that sound like Logan’s voice in his head?
Shaking off that thought, he sat beside Kendra, taking her hands in his, and she didn’t fight him.
“I know the last three years seemed like you were emptying yourself into an abyss, that you gave and gave and got nothing in return except a limitless Black card for spending, heartache, and what amounts to transactional sex three nights a week—”
Her cheeks pinkened at that.
He ignored that, knowing he couldn’t focus on how adorable she looked all flushed and delicious.
“And you didn’t deserve that, my dear, you didn’t deserve any of it—the false intentions in the beginning, the coldness, the detachment, the blame for not conceiving—and you definitely didn’t deserve how careless I’ve been with your love.”
Tears welled in her eyes, and she sniffed.
His heart clenched painfully. For a man who’d made it his business to remain apathetic in his marriage, he really hated the sight of her tears.
And he realized, he always had.
What else have you been lying to yourself about, prick?
Kendra, tears in her eyes, pressed a hand to her mouth, holding back a sob.
The muted sound tore at him, making him ache all the more.
He took the hand, brushed a kiss over it, and held it against his chest, just over his racing heart.
The warmth from her scented flesh was a comfort he was utterly unworthy of—but he was a selfish bastard, so he’d take whatever he could get from her.
“Gideon,” Kendra murmured, her voice cracking even as he watched her try to regain her composure.
“Why?” she asked simply, “Why did you even bother getting married if all you wanted was an heir? You could have used a surrogate or hooked up with some gold-digger, or even married Isabella Mancini, for Christ’s sake—you didn’t have to trick me, manipulate me, lie to me, and then spend the next three years treating me like an inconvenient convenience, there to fuck and keep up appearances, but barely tolerated. ”
At the sound of that woman’s name, he flinched, hating that he’d allowed that woman to get under his skin. If it weren’t for Isabella Mancini’s bullshit, he wouldn’t be sitting beside his heartbroken wife, wishing and hoping for a fucking Christmas miracle.
Yeah, because your wife would still be blissfully ignorant of how you’ve used her over the years.
And that was so much fucking worse.
The truth was out, and now he had to deal with the consequences.
And that meant opening up to her, sharing with her, something he should have done years ago. He never should have kept the truth from her this long.
“Logan would say…I have abandonment issues,” Gideon finally said, his voice steady despite the thick ball of terror in his throat.
“Logan?” she blurted, incredulous, eyebrows quirked. “Logan would say that?”
Fuck, she was cute.
Gideon nodded, grinning wryly. “Apparently he got bored one Sunday morning and read through an entire online collection of early child development text books.” Sadly, the man liked to diagnose others but couldn’t seem to see his own faults.
Like how he has his own abandonment issues…because he left her behind…the one he never talks about but still searches for every day.
Kendra looked at Gideon thoughtfully, her brown eyes intent on his face, concern and disbelief shining in equal measure.
“Gideon, you’re telling me that the big bad Emperor of Manhattan has mommy issues?” she drawled, cocking her head with a deliberate mocking tilt.
She didn’t believe him. But at least she wasn’t crying anymore.
“Showing weakness means you’re weak—and you will always be weak, boy!”
Again, his father’s voice clanged in his head, discordant and vicious, but this time, he knew it for what it was, his mind’s way of protecting himself, of keeping the most vulnerable parts of himself locked away so no one could ever access them again…
but what would that get him other than divorce papers and twice-a-month visitation with his child?
Not once in his life had he ever denied himself something he wanted, and right then, more than his next breath, he wanted his marriage.