16. Diego
16
DIEGO
I woke up in the morning with Sofia curled up next to me. Her soft, naked body lay pressed against me, every decadent inch of her smooth skin so warm and inviting that I struggled to get up.
But I did. I couldn’t let her worry about getting up early to deal with that mess out there.
Now that we’d crossed the line to intimacy, mutually caving to our desire we couldn’t stop from developing further, I felt like I had a new outlook on life.
I kissed her brow then eased out of bed, standing in her room and stretching with a deep, contented sense of belonging. I still didn’t know who I was. I lacked a lot of information about who I was before, but I felt like I could change my perspective about that for the better.
If my past never returned, then I had plenty to live for and learn now. It felt like the biggest reset imaginable. Pressing redo and starting over. Instead of stressing about what I used to do and what I should return to, since it was out of my control to resume my former life, I had the freedom to start over now.
Sofia and Ramon were my new purpose. My job was to protect them. And my place was here, right in this home or wherever they would want to be.
It was fast. We’d fallen into bed after only a couple of weeks, and they weren’t ordinary days of getting to know each other. I was a blank man, a stranger to myself, but still, I was me inside. And I wasn’t grasping for something comfortable in this time of confusion. I wasn’t reaching for whatever was close and convenient for the lack of anything else to focus on.
I wanted Sofia.
I wanted her to see me as her man, her hero, her supporter.
And I could start my half of that arrangement by heading out to the living room and starting to clean up the mess from fighting those men yesterday.
For a couple of hours, I did just that. Sweeping and collecting debris. Sorting out what seemed salvageable and only slightly broken. Clearing out the grime and dirt that the commotion stirred up. I was fortunate and proud that I found not a speck of blood. I’d been thorough when I cleaned it yesterday, but as I realized how well I’d done, I hated the morbid questions that crept in.
Was I a crime scene cleaner?
She’d found me in that doctor coat.
Did I work in a morgue at the hospital?
Neither sounded right.
I sighed, standing and stretching my back after I finished. Making sure to be quiet so Sofia and Ramon could sleep in, I glanced at their closed doors and smiled. Not a peep. They were still out.
Even though the couch was back to right and the room was cleared up as much as it could be, it felt different in here. It wasn’t the same after all that happened. Also, the living room where I’d started my recovery seemed different since I’d slept in Sofia’s bed with her last night. There was no doubt that the bed was a better rest. Sex helped, too, but I had to wonder if Sofia would let me back in there. If she would let me sleep in her bed with her again.
After brewing some coffee, since I recalled how to use the kettle and pot, I sat and mused about how much had shifted in just one day.
I had learned a little about my former self, but it didn’t seem like a good step. Knowing I might have been a violent man didn’t seem like something to be proud of. And Ramon’s words of wisdom stuck with me, too. His comments and opinions about feeling in my heart that I could be missing someone or a part of me were kind of like a daydreamer’s idea, but it did make sense.
I didn’t feel a connection that was left incomplete. I didn’t worry about a family being out there wondering what happened to me. I didn’t feel like I was cheating on someone when I had sex with Sofia.
While that gave me clearance, in a way, to start a life with them here, I wondered how I could’ve been so alone and untethered for my whole life. I had to have had a connection with someone before, right? I had to have.
Too soon, Ramon and Sofia woke up. They both hurried with their morning routines, but today, I could help. It was like I’d broken out of a shell, metamorphosed into a new man. It was a testament to how well I’d recovered. Yes, I had some new and fresh aches and pains from fighting those men, but it didn’t slow me down. I helped make some toast for them and smiled at Ramon’s little jokes about hurrying his mom along.
Fortunately, Ramon didn’t question that I was still here or that I was pitching in to the household at all. Unfortunately, Sofia seemed uneasy.
I went into her room to check on her, asking if she was all right. My biggest fear was that she regretted sleeping with me.
But that wasn’t the case.
“How come you didn’t stay in bed?” she asked as she put earrings in her lobes, crouching to see in her mirror.
I liked that she’d wanted to wake up with me.
“I got up to clean the living room.”
Her shoulders sagged. “I didn’t want you to have to?—”
I kissed her, smiling when she replied and wanted more.
“I wanted to.” I shrugged, watching her hurry to get ready. “I’ve been bored,” I admitted honestly. “Once the headaches stopped, I got restless. I haven’t been napping as much.”
“What can you do?” she asked.
“I pace. Stretch. Read Ramon’s little magazines.” I shrugged again. “Think.”
She nodded. “I can try to find some more things to read? I’m sorry the TV was stolen. I can’t justify replacing it yet, but?—”
I kissed her again, enjoying the ease with which I could do that. “Don’t worry. I’ll preoccupy myself.”
“Are you…” She frowned. “Are you going to… wander?”
“If I do walk outside, I’ll be sure to borrow a hat.” Since I was standing next to her closet, I grabbed a straw one hanging on a hook.
She gave me a lopsided smile. “I’m not sure that’s your style.”
I laughed, putting it back. “I’m not sure I’m ready to wander from here—even just to explore.” I sobered. “After those men came here yesterday, I feel like I want to protect the fort.”
“Mama!” Ramon called. “We’re going to be late.”
“I’ll see you when you’re home,” I said, kissing her before we left the room.
As soon as they headed out for their days, I peered around the home that wasn’t mine but could be. I did end up napping for a few hours, but that was probably only because I’d exerted myself more than usual yesterday, both in fighting and killing those druggies and in fucking my sweet little angel.
Determined to prove to Sofia that I meant what I said, that I’d be here to protect them and not abandon her, that she could trust me as a member of her limited circle, I tried to prepare dinner for when they’d be home. A small radio kept my company, and as I listened to the music and acquainted myself in the kitchen more, I realized that my memory loss really was selective. The tunes were familiar. Even the voice of the broadcaster. The commercials, as well.
Just nothing about me .
At this point, I wasn’t sure if getting my memories back would do me more harm than good. We fell into a domestic arrangement. Me staying in to relax and read, sometimes doing calisthenic exercises. When they came home, I had food ready and helped Ramon with homework. And at night, I slept in Sofia’s bed with her in my arms. She still seemed hesitant about sex at times, but I didn’t push her. Besides, it was becoming a challenge to be quiet.
Ramon had definitely noticed that I no longer slept on the couch, but he was a good kid and didn’t get nosy to ask what was going on.
Sofia smiled more and more often, but when Ramon asked if he could just come home to be here with me instead of sticking with Se?ora Vasquez and Juan next door, she hesitated.
“Well, you can’t be going around and telling people that Diego lives here,” she reminded him.
“I know, Mama. I haven’t told anyone.”
She nodded.
I had to wonder how she would introduce me someday. Not as what. But how she would ease me into their lives. I couldn’t stay cooped up forever. I was giving myself time to regain my memories in case it could direct me to my former employment. I hated that I couldn’t pitch in.
“You can’t tell any boys in the neighborhood, either,” she said. “I know how you boys start to gossip.”
“Gossip is for girls, Mama.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m just afraid?—”
Someone knocked on the front door. “Ramon?”
It was just Juan. “Ramon, can you play?”
He glanced at Sofia, and she nodded, then he ran out of the kitchen, finished with dinner.
Before she could move to the side, I snagged her by the waist and pulled her onto my lap. The chair wobbled, and we both laughed as I kept her close. “Angel, I do intend to get a job and help. I understand that it would be helpful to wait a little longer and see if my memories return, if I have a job that I’d left to go back to…”
“No. It’s not just that.” She cupped my face, gazing at me with sweet concern.
“I really don’t think I was a doctor,” I added.
“No, I don’t think so either,” she said. “And if you were, going back to that hospital that the Cartel controls would be signing your death sentence.”
She’d said it several times before, that the big, bad Cartel must have been behind why I was knocked out. But I didn’t agree. It seemed like a reach. Like a generalized assumption that all bad or violent things that happened there had to mean the Cartel had done it. I wasn’t trying to downplay that the Cartel had kidnapped her from there. Not at all. I just couldn’t convince myself that the Cartel was at fault.
I honestly had no clue what to think of the Cartel. I knew it existed around here. It was common knowledge, but that was all my brain had for me.
“I’m afraid that if someone tried to kill you once, and they see you out and about, they’ll try to kill you again.”
“You can’t let your fears of the Cartel control you forever, my angel.”
She nodded, dipping her chin.
“It’s been a few weeks since you found me,” I reminded her. “If anyone had been out looking for me, they would’ve given up by now.”
“Maybe.” She watched me, forcing a small smile.
“I’ll wait a little longer. But I’ve got to go to the market. If I’m going to be your chef”—I laughed with her since I’d mostly burned the lechona, roasted pork, we’d had for dinner—“we need to stock up.”
She stood, busying herself with cleaning up. “I’ll set out money for you.”
I gritted my teeth, hating that I couldn’t contribute.
The next day, when Sofia was at work but Ramon was home with me since it was the weekend, I wore a hat and set out for the nearest market with Ramon as my guide. Se?ora Vasquez hadn’t questioned Sofia when she told her that an old family friend was visiting and could watch Ramon.
Ramon, Sofia, and I walked around last night, pretending to check out the neighborhood’s Christmas lights and decorations. If anyone had noticed us or asked who I was, our line was just that I was an old family friend visiting. No one approached us, though, and not many were out walking, anyway.
I used the opportunity to scope out the area and learn the way to the market. But I’d forever cherish the memory we’d made of talking about dream houses. I wasn’t sure where Ramon got the idea in his head about having a house with a huge pool, but I admired the wistfulness in Sofia’s gaze when she admitted her secret fantasy was to have a house on the beach, to hear the waves.
When I thought about adding what I’d like in a “dream” house, I strained to recall where I’d lived before. Nothing came, only frustration that those details remained out of reach. Sofia noticed, attuned to my moods, and held my hand to comfort me, to let me know it was okay.
“I’ll show you where the ice pops are,” Ramon said as we headed to the market.
I winked at him, conspiring with him for a treat he seldom received.
Once we arrived, I struggled through a slight panic at being near so many people. This was the most I’d seen since I was knocked out. Perhaps I had a fear of crowds when I was younger, but as time passed and Ramon continued to stick with me, holding my hand like he promised Sofia he would, since she was so protective of him, I relaxed. The more I got used to the bustling area packed with shoppers, I realized that I could blend in well and not let the crowd get to me.
In some way, fitting into this role of merging with the mob felt a lot like how I’d just known how to fight those two men.
Ramon and I collected the things on our shopping list and we located the stand with the ice pops. Before he turned to leave, I caught on to the sixth sense that was warning me someone was watching.
Dammit.
Attention was what we wanted to avoid.
Scoping the people near us, I found the culprits.
There. I noticed them and they looked away, as if they didn’t want to be caught tailing me. The realization that someone was looking for me bothered me. It also intrigued me. If I were to go up to them, would they be able to tell me who I was? Or were they the invisible enemy Sofia feared, the people who’d tried to kill me before?
Or were they just noticing me because I was a stranger who’d just arrived in the neighborhood?
Maybe I’m imagining it. Maybe it’s nothing.
Guiding Ramon home, I checked as we walked whether the men followed.
They did, alarming me, but I remained cool and refused to panic.
Each time I saw the man in a reflection on a car bumper or in a store window, I fought the idea that I almost recognized him. No name came to mind. No details popped up. Just this tiny, niggling suggestion that I might have known him before.
At a street intersection, waiting for the light to change for pedestrians to cross, Ramon tugged on my hand to get my attention.
I leaned down, and he whispered in my ear. “That man in the brown hat who’s following us works for the Cartel.”
Shit.
“How do you know?”
“Mama pointed him out once. And Juan’s seen him around.” He nodded. “I remember his hat.”
“Okay.” I stood up, refusing to let him see me panic.
If that man was from the Cartel, the group Sofia feared, I had to handle this worry that the guy and his friends were watching Ramon. Not me.
Mentally prepared to keep the boy safe and defend him if I had to, I hurried him home through a twisting, complicated series of turns in the neighborhood to lose them before going home.