Chapter 9 Jade #2
I pull in a shaky breath before turning away from Kratos to face the guys at the table again.
His hand drops from my shoulder but he doesn’t move away and I find comfort in his presence.
. I expect to see judgment in their eyes or, at the very least, pity, but I find neither.
Instead, each of them looks at me with varying emotions, from anger to concern, and I realize sharing with them hasn’t made me weaker.
Instead, it’s helped them understand me, which might not be as bad as I thought.
“After that, I made it my mission to be what Ashlynn was to me for the other girls. Every single person I’ve killed was a monster, and they deserved to be put down.” My words come out strong and sure. I’m grateful because I feel anything but at the moment.
“That’s what they meant when they said you take care of them?” Zander asks, and I give him a nod as my eyes go to the list where it now sits on the table.
“It didn’t happen overnight, and I failed a few of them, but eventually, I got the hang of it.
I had to be highly sought after to be there for them, so I became the best.” I lift my chin and roll my shoulders, standing tall and confident, as I remind myself who I am, what I’ve worked to be.
I’m not a scared little girl anymore. No, now I’m the monster that goes bump in the night.
“Everyone who knows anything about the skin trade knows my name. My price tag became the highest in the business; as such, I had reach all over the city. It kept me in the trade because who wants to sell off their most lucrative product when they can lease it and make money over and over? Keeping me in this life meant I was able to help more girls.”
This is the easier part of this conversation for me. When I was younger, they thought they could break, use and abuse me.
They were wrong.
I gave myself to this life. I use my body as a weapon, and sex is something I know how to wheel and deal with. I'll use whatever leg up I can get with the cards I was dealt.
“You put yourself through all of this on purpose?” Roderick asks, and it’s hard to miss the shock and anger in his tone.
“As opposed to what exactly?” Anger bleeds into my voice, matching his.
“Leaving them to fend for themselves? They're children, little girls like Charlotte!” My voice rises an octave as I yell at him.
I know I need to keep my voice down so as not to draw attention, but the thought of Charlotte all alone causes panic to well up inside of me.
He’s on his feet so fast that the chair he was sitting in clatters to the floor behind him.
In the blink of an eye, he’s leaning over the small table and into my space.
I have to crane my neck up to meet his gaze, but I refuse to back down.
I’ve gone toe to toe with men far worse than him and came out on top. This is nothing new to me.
“You were a child, Jade!” Roderick hisses. His words are so far from what I expected that they take all the fire out of me. My shoulders sag, and I have to fight against the bone-deep urge to shrink away from him.
So few people have ever cared. The girls care because they need me. But looking into Roderick’s eyes, I can see that he’s angry for me, not with me.
“I haven’t been a child since I became someone else’s property,” I tell him, lifting my chin, determined to show him that I won’t back down, even though I know he’s right. I have been and will continue to be the strength these girls need, no matter what anyone says about it.
I don’t know what he sees in my eyes, but he lets out a huff before he pushes off the table to stand up. His hand goes to his hair and he rakes his fingers through it, clearly looking for a way to vent his frustration.
His hair looks soft, and for a moment, I have to fight the urge to reach out and run my fingers through it.
The thought is so out of the blue that it takes me a moment to realize how ridiculously inappropriate it is. Not only because of the current mood and conversation, but also because I don’t know him, not really.
I would be lying if I said something about them doesn’t make me feel safe, though, something that I can’t quite put my finger on.
But if this life has taught me anything, it’s that misplaced trust is dangerous.
It can be the difference between life and death, and while I might not fear death, I won’t go easily.
If the hell wants me, it can come and pry life from my hands because I’ve fought every step of the way so far, and I refuse to stop now.
“But how did you end up here?” Spencer’s question breaks me from my thoughts, and I turn my attention to him.
His face is damn near impassive, and while I want to know what's going on in his head, I decide it's best just to let it go. Zander is understanding in all of this, if not almost sweet. While Roderick looks ready to beat someone down, I’m about ninety percent certain it’s not me he's mad at.
Kratos remains silent beside me, but he seems more the type to listen than to talk.
His comfort earlier still sits at the front of my mind.
What if Spencer thinks less of me now?
Would I care?
I don’t let myself answer that because I don’t want to face what it would mean if I did. So, instead, I settle for answering his question. It feels like the lesser of the two evils.
“I don’t know. I can’t remember much prior to this life. I remember small things...” I close my eyes and take a breath as I pull my few scattered memories to the front of my mind. Things that feel so strange to me that they might not even be real.
“I remember running down long hallways as a child with a man chasing behind me, and laughter bouncing off the walls. The smell of fresh strawberries and vanilla as I was wrapped in a hug and laid down for bed, looking up at stars on the ceiling that would glow in the dark.” My voice breaks, and I clear my throat before I continue.
“Someone kissing a scrape on my knee before telling me, ‘Be careful, little princess.’ The feel of their facial hair scratching at my leg as they did it, and the smell of thick sweet smoke in the air.” I open my eyes again as I let the memories go.
They might be my memories, but I’m not that person and holding onto them only makes them feel more painful.
“The problem is all of those could be fake. My subconscious looking for something normal and creating these small pockets of happy times.” I shake my head against that idea; I held onto those fragments for so long.
I told myself those people would come for me.
If they loved me as much as they seemed to in my mind, of course, they would.
But they never did, and eventually, I had to let them go.
“Even if it is real, I can’t recall any faces, no distinguishable features, no names. Nothing that would do me any good now.”
“Besides, it was so long ago that whoever those people were are probably better off thinking I’m dead.
I’m sure by now that’s the conclusion they’ve come to, and seeing how I’m not that girl anymore, it would be cruel to look for them.
” I look down at my feet as shame courses through me.
I know what I am, and I know I needed to be this person to survive, but I can’t help but mourn the girl I could have been—the life I could have had, if not just for me but for them.
“Wanting to know them aside, I think we still need to look into them,” Spencer tells me. My head snaps up so quickly I’m surprised my neck doesn’t crack. He can’t be serious.
He must sense my urge to fight him on this because he holds up his hands in a passive gesture before continuing.
“I’m not saying you have to see them or even that you have to know what we find if you don’t want to.
But I do believe that finding out more will give us answers.
Don’t you want to know how you ended up here?
Something isn’t adding up. I don’t feel like you were just taken off the streets, Jade, and I feel like deep down you don’t either. ”
He’s right, but damn him, I don’t want him to be. I search his face, but find nothing. He’s good at hiding whatever he’s feeling.
“How many girls have you met in your life who knew nothing about their past? Not their birthday, where they came from, hell, not even their name?” I don’t justify him with a response because he’s right, and by the look in his eyes, he knows it.
I look around at the others and see they know it, too.
Even if they aren’t the ones pushing me, they know this whole situation reeks of suspicion.
Before I can put too much thought into it, I give a sharp nod and look away. Finding a spot on the wall behind them to focus on.
“I’ll write down everything I can remember.” He opens his mouth as if to comment, but I cut him off and keep going. “I’ll help you any way I can, but I don’t want to know anything you find out. I’ve gone without them my whole life. I don’t want or need them now.”
It’s bullshit. I know it, and I’m sure they know it too.
I do want them; I want to belong and know I was missed, but I can’t be who they would need.
The little girl I’m sure they missed for all these years.
I would rather go without than disappoint them with the monster I am now. The girls need me, and that’s enough.
Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll believe it one day.
“I have one requirement, though, if I’m going to be helping.” I might want answers, but I’ve gone this long without them. I could walk away here and now and be just fine with that. But if they want my help, I’ll be getting something out of this that matters to me.
“And that is?” Kratos asks, and the other three turn their attention to him. Apparently, he’s the one who has the power to give me what I want or not, judging by how they turned to him.
“I want help with the girls,” I say, turning to face him.