Chapter 22 #3
I feel my mouth drop open slightly, but it’s as if I’ve lost control of myself. I can’t seem to get my mouth to function and form words. Instead, I just kind of stare at them, probably looking like a fish out of water.
They mistake my shock as a bad thing because before I can get my shit together, Mrs. Thompson chimes in.
“It was just a thought. We know it’s early, but we just wanted to have the idea out there.
Please don’t worry about it if it's too much right now. We can always wait and see what happens.” Her tone is still sweet, but I can hear the edge of panic as she rushes to try and soothe me.
My brain finally kicks back in, and I snap my mouth shut, shaking my head.
“No!” I say more forcefully than I intended. Her face falls, and I cringe at my lack of communication skills.
I instantly want to hit myself, but with Charlotte in my arms, that’s not possible. So, instead, I take a breath to steady myself and try again.
“No, I didn’t mean no to the adoption. I’m sorry, I was just caught off guard.” I try to clarify, continuing before they can ask questions because I’m sure I’m not making much sense right now.
“I think you guys adopting her would be fantastic, actually. She’s a great kid, and after just a short time with her, I can see the difference you guys are making in her life.
She deserves all the happiness, and I would love for her to have a family.
” My voice cracks on the last bit as my own sadness about my life attempts to push its way forward.
I swallow it down and give them both what I hope is a reassuring smile.
Their smiles grow with every word I say, and Mrs. Thompson has tears in her eyes by the time I'm finished.
“Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful! Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that means to us, truly,” she says as she looks over to her husband, and they smile at each other.
I take a moment to look down at Charlotte, who still rests in my arms, and just imagine what her life can be, all the things she can have.
A tear runs down my cheek, but I let it go, too happy at the moment to worry about it.
“We wanted to extend the same offer to you, Jade.” Mr. Thompson’s voice pulls my attention back to him, but I’m sure I missed something because that’s impossible.
Before I can ask for an explanation, Mrs. Thompson explains. “We know you're technically too old to be in foster care, but we could still adopt you. We know Charlotte loves you, and we would happily give you a home as well,” she says as though it were that simple.
I look between the two of them for a moment before realizing it really is for them.
They’re great people. I don’t need to know them more to see that.
And because of that, they are willing to take someone they don’t know in and offer them a home and, by extension, offer me one just to make her happy.
It’s a beautiful thought that makes my heart beat erratically, thinking of what my life could be like with a family. With Charlotte as my little sister, in a safe place.
What it would be like to have a home.
For a moment, the idea is too good to be true, and I want to tell them yes more than anything. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I know when I open my mouth, that won’t be the answer I give them.
How could I?
Everything about my past is complicated and messy. I want Charlotte to be safe and happy, so I can't be a factor in her daily life. What I’m doing and what I’ve done can still have consequences, and I refuse to let that touch her ever again.
I take a deep breath to steady myself, to turn down the one thing I wish I could have more than anything in life. But if it keeps Charlotte safe, I’ll do it and so much more.
Even before I open my mouth, Mrs. Thompson's lips pull down in a frown. She knows what's coming, too.
“Thank you. Really, I appreciate the offer, but your loving Charlotte is more than enough. I won’t be going anywhere as long as she needs me, so never hesitate to call for anything, but I’m okay with where I am right now. Please don’t worry yourself with me.”
My words must not have been as convincing as I had hoped because I can see that they want to reassure me that it wouldn’t be an issue, but I press on before they can.
“I still have to worry about the other girls, and I’m making steps to get my life on track right now.
Charlotte needs you so much more than I ever will.
I’d love to watch her grow up, but I don’t think I need to be adopted to do that.
” I give them a smile and hope that this is enough, that they don’t keep pushing because if they do, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to stick to this.
Movement from the corner of my eye catches my attention, and I turn to see what it is.
Zander stands off to the side, a respectful distance away while we talk but still close enough for me to know he’s there if I need him. Our eyes meet, and I see the sadness in his as he looks back at me.
I’m not sure when I became an open book with him, but somewhere along the way, he started to understand me.
I have no doubt that he can see just how hard this is on me.
He gives me a small smile, and I can’t help but return it because seeing him is exactly what I need right now, exactly what will help me stand by my choice.
Mrs. Thompson follows my line of sight until she spots Zander, and when she turns to face me, I can see that she’s accepted my words this time, no matter how much she might not want to.
Mr. Thompson walks over to take Charlotte. I quickly kiss her head before he scoops her up and takes a step back. I stand to stretch. No matter how light and small she might be, sitting in one place for too long is still hard.
Without warning, Mrs. Thompson walks forward, pulling me into her arms and hugging me tightly. I panic and go stiff for a moment, but I recover quickly enough and return her hug.
“If you ever need us, we’ll be here. We don’t have to adopt you to care for you, Jade, but know we do,” she says low enough that only I hear her.
Releasing me she takes a step back to stand with her husband, where he stands holding Charlotte. She nods, and then he does as well before they head out together.
I watch them go, and though I’m sad to have Charlotte gone, I also feel like a broken part of me is knitted back together now that I know she’ll be taken care of. It’s bittersweet to lose someone you love, even if it’s for their own good.
“Let's go home,” Zander says, slinging his arm over my shoulder and pulling me to his side. I’m not sure when he walked up to me, but I don’t care. I’m just happy he’s here with me.
Together, we walk toward the hall that leads to the back door. Roderick and Spencer stand just outside of it, waiting for us, and when we get close, they move without a word.
We make it to the car before I feel like I’m going to lose it.
I haven’t really let myself cry in a long time, but I can feel it coming.
I just need to hold it in long enough to get in my room, and I’ll be okay.
I focus on my breathing, hoping that pulling my focus away from this will help, and while it keeps me from crumbling, it doesn’t calm me completely.
“Jade,” someone says, pulling me from my panic momentarily. I look up at Zander, but he’s not looking at me. Instead, he focuses on Spencer, who sits in the passenger seat, glaring daggers at him. He must have been the one to call me.
I don’t say anything; instead, waiting to see what he wants.
“Why didn’t you let them adopt you?” he asks, and for once, there's none of his usual cruelness as he addresses me, only curiosity.
I look down at my hands clasped in my lap before looking out the window. We aren’t far from the house now. In just a few minutes, we should be at the gate.
“I don’t know...” I say with no explanation, knowing that’s not what he wanted. It’s also a lie. Zander looks at me out of the corner of his eye, letting me know he knows that, too, but he isn’t going to push it right now.
Spencer on the other hand, has no problem pushing, though. He turns around in his seat to face me, and Roderick eyes him for a second. “Spencer,” he warns, but Spencer ignores him, instead turning his focus on me completely.
“Bullshit,” he says, and while his words are firm, he once again isn’t being cruel. I look up at him, and the moment our gazes connect, I find myself missing the way he usually looks at me. Anything is better than the pity I can see in his eyes right now.
It pisses me off, and my emotions flow over before I can get a handle on it.
“You're right. It is bullshit!” I scream. He looks shocked at my reaction but doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.
“You want to know what else is bullshit? My life! I’m dangerous, Spencer!
And not just because I can kill you in more ways than you can count.
No, I'm dangerous because people still want me. I made myself the most sought-after to keep them safe, and now that we're all out, that same thing will keep a target on my back for years, if not the rest of my life.” Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop.
My vision blurs as I look at him, and I feel the tears as they track down my face, but I keep going.
“I would have loved to be there for Charlotte, to be her sister, and have a family.” My voice cracks as a sob works its way out of me. I don’t even try to push it down; instead, I let them all get a look at the broken girl whose only goal is to fix everyone else.
“But that’s not a life I’ll ever have. I gave that up when I chose them. I can’t have those things because to go to their home puts a target on their back, and I would rather die than have them be in danger.”
I’m upset; sad, pissed off, and annoyed that I’m showing Spencer, of all people, this broken side of me.
I frantically wipe at my eyes, but the tears don't stop. I know they won't now that I’ve started. The car stops, and something in my brain registers we are at the gate, but still, I can’t focus on anything other than Spencer in front of me.
“I didn’t let them adopt me because they're better off without me, just like every other person, because I escaped hell, but the road out turned me into a monster.” My voice is cold and unfeeling, and I can’t help but laugh as I realize just how fitting Spencer's nickname is for me. “I’m a demon, Spencer. You said so yourself. And darkness like mine reaches far and wide until it consumes all the light around it. So I made the hard decision instead of the one I wanted because it’s not about me,” I finally take a deep breath and feel some of my anger slip away, quickly replaced by the sadness that’s still running rampant inside me.
“It never was,” I whisper, looking away from him and down at my hands again.
I know they hear me, but I’m done talking.
Zander reaches out to me, but I don’t move to him for comfort.
My broken pieces are too close to the surface right now.
If he holds me, I fear it will only open up my scars more, and I might never find a way to put myself back together again.
I hear the garage door close behind us, and I see that we are back at the house. The car comes to a stop, but we all continue to sit in the uncomfortable silence I created.
Before I can think any more about it, I fling the door open and get out, not bothering to close it behind me as I run inside and head towards my room.
Someone calls my name, but I don’t slow down, and my brain isn’t working well enough to pick out the voice.
Footsteps sound behind me, but that just pushes me faster.
I fly through my door before I slam it shut and flip the lock, undressing as I head to my bathroom.
I close and lock that door, too, before I turn on the shower and get in, not even bothering with adjusting the temperature or taking off the rest of my clothes.
The water’s hot when I get in, so hot that it makes me hiss as it rolls over my bare skin, but still, I sit there as I let my tears fall until I can't tell if the wetness was from my eyes or the shower.
I remain there as the water cools and eventually turns cold. My teeth chatter, but still, I make no move to get out, and before I know it, my eyes are sliding closed as exhaustion sets in after letting myself feel so many emotions.
Finally, I sink down to lie on the floor, cold, shivering, and alone; I let myself feel them all as the darkness finally settles over me.