Chapter 20
Chapter
Twenty
September 23 rd
10:47 A.M.
Standing outside Gabriella’s hospital room yesterday while his daughter and the rest of his family celebrated inside had been hell.
Not just because he wasn't there with them, but because Gabriella didn't want to see him.
Cade knew she was aware that he had been the one to find her unconscious in her room. He’d ridden with her in the ambulance, stayed by her side in the emergency room, it wasn't until she finally started to wake up that he’d reluctantly left.
It had been hard.
Certainly not what he wanted to do.
But his brothers had made too much sense telling him that he’d messed things up badly enough with Gabriella that the strong, fiery woman they’d always known had just given up. He shouldn’t be the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes, even though there was nothing he’d wanted more than to get lost staring into those green depths of hers and prove to himself that he hadn't lost her.
That there was still hope.
It was time to put Gabriella first, so he’d left her room, listened from the hall as Jax had spoken softly to her in soothing tones, assuring her she was safe and being taken care of. He’d rallied the rest of his family, knowing he couldn’t have the conversation he wanted with Gabriella until she was stronger. Until then, he didn't want her alone. Not even for a second.
He had a new mission in life, and it was ensuring that never again did Gabriella see herself as trash that was easily thrown away.
Yesterday he’d hung back and allowed Gabriella and his daughter to enjoy Essie’s birthday together, like they should have all along. Sometimes admitting you made a mistake sucked, but sometimes it was a relief.
And right now, Cade felt relieved.
There was still a knot in his stomach because he knew he had a long road ahead of him to convince Gabriella to give him a second chance, but it was a relief to finally admit that he wanted her in his life. There was no more hiding from his feelings. No more pretending he wasn't aware of Gabriella’s feelings.
It was freeing in a way but still terrifying.
Because his family was in danger and even though he acknowledged that sending Gabriella away to protect her hadn't been the right move it didn't change the facts. Losing her wasn't just some hypothetical he could lose her kind of worry, there was a very real possibility his entire family could be taken out.
With a deep breath, he knocked on the door to Gabriella’s room once. She hadn't wanted to see him yesterday and while he’d been disappointed, he’d still wanted her and Essie to enjoy his daughter’s birthday together, so he hadn't minded staying outside. He’d had plenty of time to enjoy Essie on her birthday and wanted to share his child with Gabriella.
But today he had to try to talk to her. Explain. Pray she was at least a little bit receptive to what he had to say.
There was no response to his knock and a tiny niggle of doubt tickled the back of his neck. Gabriella was improving slowly. Unfortunately, she’d completely run herself into the ground by not eating and was extremely weak, but she was improving with the help of antibiotics and fluids.
Just because she had been doing okay didn't mean she still was.
After all, no one had known she was even sick to begin with.
Shoving open the door, Cade stormed into the room and froze as he saw Gabriella walking out of the bathroom. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt he’d seen her sleep in plenty of times before, it was one of the things he’d packed in the bag he’d sent to the hospital with his brothers after he’d known Gabriella was stable. With her long red curls hanging free around her face, slightly less tangled than when he’d found her in the hotel, and her face free from makeup, she looked so young and vulnerable. Beautiful though, even the paleness of her skin, and the slight feverish splash of pink to her cheeks couldn’t diminish that.
“Cade,” she said, shocked that he was standing in her room.
On the other hand, he couldn’t seem to say anything.
All he could do was stare at her and drink in the sight.
She was alive, still sick, still weak, but alive.
He hadn't lost her like he’d lost Gretel.
He still had a shot at convincing her he could be a good partner. One who would love and cherish her. Who would do anything to protect her. Who would make sure she never felt unworthy again.
It was a long shot but a shot nonetheless.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded as she continued walking toward the bed.
Her progress was so slow, and it looked like it was taking all the remaining strength she had left in her body just to walk across the six or so feet from the bathroom door to the bed.
When she wobbled precariously, he didn't think, just acted.
Cade was at her side before he even knew he’d moved, his arm around her waist, steadying her. Even though she felt so small in his hold, so very fragile, he soaked up the feel of her tiny body pressed against his.
There was every chance he could have stayed right where he was indefinitely, but Gabriella began to struggle in his hold, pushing away, so he reluctantly released his hold but remained close enough to catch her if she fell.
Shooting him an angry glare, she climbed onto the bed and pulled up the covers as though she needed a layer of protection.
It hurt to know that she felt like she needed to protect herself from him, but he couldn’t fault her for it. After all, he had been the one to hurt her even if he’d done it for what he believed to be both logical and noble reasons at the time.
Slowly, the glare slipped off her face and she dropped her gaze to her hands, which she tangled together on her lap. “I should thank you for allowing me to see Essie on her birthday yesterday. I appreciated it.” Drawing in a deep breath she lifted her face to meet his gaze. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me for that, Gabriella. Essie wanted to see you and I wanted you to see her, too.” When he went to reach for her, he realized halfway there that she didn't want his touch, so he let his hands hang for a second before dropping to hang limply at his sides. Then almost immediately, he lifted them again to rake them through his hair. “Look, Gabriella, we need to talk. I?—”
“No, Cade,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to talk now. I'm not ready.”
“I get that. I do. I just need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you.”
There was no anger left in her eyes as she met his gaze head on. More just sadness. A deep-rooted sadness he’d give anything to soothe away.
This mess might be one of his own creation, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.
“I don’t know if an apology is enough, Cade,” she said softly. “I love Essie more than I love my own life. I thought you knew that. But you ripped her away from me when we needed each other the most. You th-threw me away like I was n-nothing,” her voice began to waver, and tears flooded her eyes.
“No, baby. You're not nothing. You're everything,” he growled. “Everything.”
“I don’t believe you, Cade,” she said dully. “I could understand you not having feelings for me because you still love your wife. But I never thought you would be cruel. Never thought you would hurt me.”
“I was trying to protect you. Trying to get you out of the danger my family is mired in so you didn't get hurt again.” His gaze landed on her chest. He knew beneath the oversized T-shirt she wore was the bite wound. One of those men had bitten her deeply enough that it would leave scars. A permanent reminder of her ordeal.
Of what he’d put her through.
“But I did get hurt again, Cade. You hurt me.”
“Please, sweetheart, I'm sorry, I'm so sor?—”
“Just go, Cade. I can't do this with you right now. I just want you to go. It’s too hard seeing you.”
How could he make things better if she couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him?
“Gabs? You okay?” Connor asked, appearing in the room with a box of Gabriella’s favorite donuts.
“I'm okay,” she answered, even though they all knew it was a lie.
“Cade?” Connor turned to him. There was empathy on his face, Connor more than any of them knew all about messing things up with the woman you loved.
But Connor had made things right, gotten his happy ever after. Looked like the chances of the same happening for him were slim to none.
“He was just leaving,” Gabriella answered for him.
“How do I fix this?” he asked desperately, not willing or able to just give up.
“I don’t know, Cade.” Gabriella sighed tiredly and rolled over onto her side, facing away from him. “I don’t even know if you can.”
September 27 th
4:56 P.M.
While her body and mind were getting stronger every day, Gabriella could feel her heart hurting worse.
Each day Cade brought Essie to the hospital to visit. The little girl still hadn't had her first day of school, Cade didn't want to take the risk of sending her somewhere that would be a security nightmare, so they spent a lot of their time together doing letters and numbers. While Gabriella had no formal childhood education training, Essie seemed to be learning so she must be doing something right.
It was so weird, as hurt and angry as she was with Cade, she was also grateful that he was no longer keeping Essie away from her.
But niggling at the back of her mind was the reminder that one day it would end.
Cade had fired her, and she didn't think she could go back to work for him again even if he unfired her. It was just asking to get hurt all over again. She still had feelings for him and there was no way she would allow herself to be in a position where he could break her heart again.
Once she was out of the hospital, she feared there would be no more daily visits, no more cuddles and giggling, no more snuggles and playing games.
When that happened, she worried that she would sink right back into that deep, dark place where she didn't care if she lived or died.
Resting back against the pillows, she fiddled with the scratchy blanket covering her. Cade had just left with Essie, and Connor, who had been playing babysitter, had walked them out.
While no one had outright yelled at her about allowing herself to become so sick when she could have picked up a phone and called any member of the Charleston Holloway family, or even a doctor, or an ambulance once she got bad enough, they’d all made their feelings known. They’d just done it in that way she’d heard parents did where instead of yelling they just talked and told you how disappointed they were. Not that any of them had used the word disappointed, they’d just told her they were sad that she hadn't been aware that they considered her family regardless of whether she was Cade’s employee or not.
Those were words they’d all spoken to her, especially after the abduction when Cade was missing, but they hadn't sunk in.
Maybe now they were starting to.
After all, they might not have used that word disappointed, but she could tell that every single one of them was hurt she hadn't reached out when she’d needed help.
The door to her room swung open, and she turned, expecting to see Connor and maybe Becca, too, but instead, it was Cade standing there.
If there was one word you would use to describe Cade it was confident. He was always sure of himself, never cowered to anything, and guided his family with leadership skills that implied he was a whole lot more than a couple of years older than his brothers.
Only now he didn't look so confident anymore.
In fact, he looked the opposite.
So unsure of himself that she was actually the first one to speak.
“Hey,” she whispered softly.
Surprise filled his brown eyes as his gaze darted to the bed. “Hey.”
His gaze traveled her body, giving her an appraising once over like he hadn't just been in the room picking up his daughter five minutes ago.
Why was he back?
Something couldn’t have happened with Essie.
Could it?
“Is Essie okay?” she blurted out as her pulse kicked into high gear.
A warm smile spread across his face, and she felt that smile down to her bones. It curled inside her, sending warmth spreading through her limbs. How many times over the last four years had she wished he would smile at her like that?
Had to be at least a hundred.
Maybe even a thousand.
All she’d wanted was for him to look at her like he cared, like she meant something to him and she mattered in a way that had nothing to do with her just providing a service for him.
It took everything she had to remind herself that she didn't matter.
Cade had kicked her out of his home and his daughter’s life like he wasn't killing a part of her in the process. If he’d loved her, heck, if he’d even liked her, he wouldn't have done that to her. They’d spent so much time together over the years surely there was no way he couldn’t have picked up on the fact that she was struggling even if she’d been doing her best to hide it. He had to have seen and just not cared.
Sure, he’d said he was trying to protect her by sending her away, but she wasn't sure she could believe that.
Did he think she should have done more to protect his daughter?
Did he blame her for the abduction?
Gabriella had to admit she wasn't sure she could be angry with him if he did. She blamed herself. He hadn't wanted her to go to the pool that day, but she’d insisted, saying it was important that they stifle Essie’s life as little as possible so she didn't become aware that the danger surrounding her and her family was so great.
“Essie is fine, sweetheart,” he assured her, taking a tentative step toward the bed.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Then why are you here? You should be with her. She needs you.” Gabriella meant those words sincerely even as she felt a tiny twinge in her chest because she so desperately needed someone as well, there was just no one she could turn to. Well, there was the rest of Cade’s family, but she felt weird about that, almost like she was making them choose between her and their brother.
“I think,” Cade said, taking another step toward her, “that maybe you need me, too.”
She shook her head even though his words were everything she’d once wanted to hear.
But it was too late for him to change his mind again. The damage was done, and it couldn’t be undone. Could it?
“I'm not denying I messed up, Gabriella. Not at all. My motives were good, but my actions weren't. I should have been there for you the way you were there for my daughter.”
Her heart sank.
Cade was only trying to be nice now because he felt guilty that she’d been so badly hurt while trying to shield Essie.
That wasn't what she wanted.
She wanted to be seen for her.
She wanted him to want her just because he had feelings for her, separate from anything to do with his child.
“I don’t want your pity, your guilt, or whatever this is. Nor do I want payment for protecting Essie. I love her, what else would I do?”
“Which is exactly why I couldn’t deny it any longer.”
“Deny what?”
“I know you told me you weren't ready to talk yet, and I'm trying to respect you, trying to do the right thing, but I have something for you, and I can't wait any longer to give it to you.”
“Something for me?”
“Mmhmm,” he said as he nodded and pulled out a small red box from his pocket. “I was trying to think of a way to show you what you mean to me because I haven’t done so well with my words.”
Closing the distance between himself and the bed, he held out the box. Gabriella stared at it, not altogether sure that it wasn't a snake about to jump out and bite her. What game was he trying to play here? Was he trying to mess with her? Why was he suddenly being so sweet?
Very slowly she lifted a hand. It trembled and they both watched its progress as it reached out toward the velvet box. It felt smooth in her hand when her fingers closed around it and Cade watched her so closely as she opened the lid and looked inside.
Nestled on white satin sat a gold heart on a chain.
A heart?
The trembling in her fingers increased as she scooped it up, realizing it was a locket.
When her gaze snapped to Cade’s he gave her an encouraging nod.
Opening the locket, she saw that the heart opened to become four hearts, making it look like a four-leaf clover. Three of the hearts had pictures in them. One was a photo of her, one was a photo of Essie, and one was a photo of Cade.
It almost looked like they were a family.
But they weren't.
“Cade,” she said on a half sob as she shoved the necklace back toward him. How could she keep this knowing she could never have what she craved?
“I have one to give to Essie, too. We’ll give it to her together when you're ready.”
“When I'm ready?”
“It has a picture of her, her mom, me, and you inside her locket.”
“Me?” she asked, voice wavering. What was he doing to her? He was dangling everything she’d ever wanted in front of her, but she couldn’t reach out and take it, she was too afraid of being thrown away again.
“She loves you. You're the mom she knows, the mom she wants, and Gretel would want that, too.”
“I don’t want to be with someone who only wants me to be a stand-in mom to his child,” she told him. That would never be what she wanted. She wanted to be loved for herself.
“No, sweetheart. That’s not what I'm saying.”
“Then what are you saying? I know you still love your wife.”
“I’ll always love Gretel. But that doesn’t mean that I'm not falling in?—”
“No. Don’t say it,” she begged. If he said it, she wasn't sure she’d believe it. Definitely wasn't sure she could trust it.
“I won't say it until you're ready to hear it, but it doesn’t change how I feel or stop it from being true.”
Her whole body shook. In shock, hope, or fear, she wasn't really sure, maybe a combination of all three.
“I need you to go,” she whispered, afraid she was about to break down.
Clear disappointment was on his face, but he didn't argue. Just set the red, velvet box on the bed beside her and gave another warm smile that did funny things to her insides. “I'm not going anywhere, Gabriella. I’ll leave for now, but I will fight for you. For us.”
With that, he turned and walked out of the room leaving her staring after him and clutching the necklace he hadn't taken back.
Was he trying to tell her that he loved her?
Really?
As in, was actually in love with her?
She was so confused.
But she wasn’t confused enough when the door to her room opened again, and her heart fluttered, excited to see Cade again even as she dreaded it because she couldn’t trust him right now.
Only it wasn't Cade walking into her room.
It was a man dressed as a nurse, with a mask covering the bottom half of his face.
Not his eyes though.
And she recognized those eyes.
They belonged to one of the men who had held her and Essie captive.