Chapter 43
Ren
Every single muscle ached, and so did parts that no one was getting near for at least a day. Once would’ve been doable, but Myles seemed to have an insatiable appetite lately, and the new fire burning bright in Blake had made it impossible to say no.
I was now acutely aware that I was a closet whore, and the revelation was enlightening. All hail having five hot ass men. I was a whole new me, and I didn’t care what the whispers in the hall said about me or my relationship. As long as we were happy, what business was it of theirs?
“You okay?” Blake whispered, and I lifted my eyes to his.
The moonlight was bright tonight, illuminating his face and making him look ethereal. He had the gentlest of hearts and was so beautiful that he put the rest of us to shame. All he needed was a pair of angel wings.
It really hurt my soul that he was the one who had killed Lawrence. He had been touched by that darkness and lost his mom. I wanted to wrap him up and never let it reach him again. But that was a ridiculous notion, and Blake would be offended if I said it out loud.
The purity that radiated from him inspired me and reminded me that I needed to keep balance in my life.
It was easy to let the darkness take over, to wish death on the people who had hurt the ones I loved, or to buy my way out of situations.
Hard choices that affected everyone should never be easy to make.
He was that reminder. So, call me selfish, but I wanted to keep that sweetness forever.
“You’re crying,” he said, wiping away the tear trailing a warm line down my cheek. “Are you upset by what we did? By the kiss with Myles, by—”
Reaching out, I silenced him with a finger on his lips, but his green eyes were still filled with worry.
“It’s nothing like that. I loved what we did tonight, and I was serious when I said I have no issue with whatever you and Myles choose to do with this new addition to your relationship.
I’d like to know if things change again, but it doesn’t bother me.
In fact, I like it for a number of reasons.
Being super fucking hot is at the top of the list,” I said, and he smiled.
“Then why the tears?”
“Just feeling emotional.”
I cupped his face and ran my thumb over his bottom lip.
“I’m still so sorry that you felt abandoned by me.”
Blake snuggled closer, kissing my forehead.
“Don’t. There was a lot going on for both of us. You lost a parent that night, too. Neil was your father for thirteen years, and despite how angry, confused, and abandoned you felt by him, the truth came out in the end. He loved and protected you and your mother the best he could.”
His words poked at the wound in my chest. The hole left by those I had lost. Neil had loved me, and I’d let my anger over my mother’s death drive a wedge between us. I never even had the chance to tell him how much I loved him.
“You’ve lost so much. I can’t imagine the pain you felt watching as the people you loved were murdered.
I don’t know how you’re keeping it together.
I think that was part of what had me so upset.
I was falling into a void of despair, and yet, you kept going.
Your strength is incredible, but it’s also intimidating. How can I compete with that?”
“Blake, this is not a competition.”
“I know, and it shouldn’t feel that way. But I want to be strong like you, so it felt like I was failing again.”
He linked our fingers together on the pillow and held on as another tear slipped free.
“Look, the thing is, Theo was right. There were a lot of people coming and going, and as much as I wanted you there, we spent our days talking to family, and took turns at night sitting with my dad. There wouldn’t have been any real time for us to be together.
But my heart hurt so much, and I lashed out. ”
“Still, I could’ve done more. I’ll never let that happen again for any reason with any of you. I’m still working on how to juggle this relationship. It’s like a fast-moving train, and I’m supposed to be the conductor, but I feel like I’m hanging onto the caboose for dear life.”
Blake chuckled. “That’s an image.”
I squeezed his fingers. “I love you. I love you so much, and I hate that I did anything to hurt you.”
“You didn’t. I swear we’re good. I just hate how every time we turn around, there is someone else deceiving us or trying to kill us, though.”
I looked down and sighed, knowing that some of this never would have happened if I hadn’t come here.
Would Ella still be alive? Would Neil? Or Nadia?
What if I’d just run off instead of getting on Lawrence’s jet?
God, I hated to think that I was a catalyst for so much carnage, but it weighed on my mind all the time.
“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by that. I wouldn’t change meeting you for anything.”
I flicked my gaze up. “Not even if it meant your mother was alive?”
He pressed his lips into a hard line.
“We don’t know that anything would’ve been different, and that’s the truth. She hated Lawrence, and even though my father bailed him out of trouble, more than once, so did he. They were going to come to a head with him at some point. Maybe over my initiation.”
“Yeah…maybe.”
“Ren, you can’t take this on. People make their own choices.
Free will and all that. My mom knew that helping you and your mother made her a target.
She still chose to do it. She knew that taking Nash and Myles in and treating them like my brothers did the same thing.
I’m convinced she would choose to do it all over again, even knowing what would happen, because my mom was like that.
She helped people regardless of the personal cost. Don’t take that away from her.
It makes her death somehow less meaningful.
At least right now, everything that happened, good and bad, I can say she would stand by the decision. ”
My lip lifted in a half-hearted smile.
“You’re right. Feeling guilty only takes away from the sacrifices Ella made to protect everyone. Wow…I’m sorry, that was…I never meant to do that to her memory.”
“I know,” he said, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. “Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something, and there never seems to be a good time.”
“Okay.”
Myles mumbled something in his sleep and pressed closer behind me. He was such a spooner. I looked over my shoulder, but when he didn’t wake, I turned back to Blake.
“What’s going on?”
“I think I want to be a teacher. Dean Henry and I have had a few conversations, and he has been really supportive. There’s a college called Northside, forty minutes outside of Portland, that would be perfect.”
“I love that,” I said, smiling. “You’ll make an excellent teacher.”
Blake’s eyes lit up.
“That brings me to my next point.” He kissed my fingers. “I want you to go there as well. It has an incredible art program, and the business school is highly rated. You could major in business and minor in art.”
“Me? I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I mean, I’m going to end up in charge of this massive organization that blankets so much.”
“I know that, and I think that’s why this would be great for you. Think about it, even a three-year program would give you time to figure things out, learn your father’s business, and take classes that will help you along the way. Myles can go, too. There are a ton of degree paths.”
I bit my lip. “What about the others? Nash, Liam, and Theo?”
“Ah, see I’ve been thinking about them too.
There is a D1 college a couple of hours toward Cali, called Kingshaven.
Nash and Liam can walk on to the swim team with their times and connections.
And it will be a little closer to Theo if he does switch to Stanford.
We can buy or rent a house between the two schools and commute.
That way, we are all together. It still keeps us close to your dad, my dad, and Collier Enterprises.
I hope you think it’s a good idea, because getting Nash to agree will be like pulling teeth. ”
“So, Theo told you about Harvard?”
Blake made a face.
“Well…sort of. I overheard him talking to Liam, but yeah, I know. He’ll tell me when he’s ready. Theo has always been like that. I’m not offended that you or Liam know. So, what I need from you, if you’re game is…”
He gave me a devilish smile, and I rolled my eyes.
“You need me to talk to Nash.”
“Yes. You’re the only one he will listen to. Well, you or your father. Nash seems pretty scared of your dad.”
I snorted and smiled.
“True. But why do you want him to go to Kingshaven, and not Northside?”
Blake sighed. “Because…I think…I think he needs some normalcy. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect recently, and Nash has always looked out for us.
Even when I wanted to punch him in the face, he has never taken a moment just to be a kid.
It was like he turned six and became an adult.
Tutoring Camden and the other freshmen has really helped me see what Nash took on.
I don’t want our relationship, all of us, to turn toxic because he wakes up angry and bitter one day. ”
“It’s funny you should say that because I had a similar thought when I spoke to him about the World’s team. He never even told anyone he was invited. He just stuffed the letter in a drawer, and when I questioned it, he told me that he couldn’t go, too many responsibilities.”
“See…that’s what I mean. He needs a chance just to be Nash the alphahole swimmer. Look into the school, it’s a great fit for him. I dropped a hint to Liam, so I’m hoping he’ll think about it and be on board.”
“Look at you being all insightful and devious,” I said.
“I’ve always been devious.”
With a smirk, he leaned in and kissed my lips.
“Okay, enough talkin’, I’ll go wherever Ren goes. Now go to sleep,” Myles grumbled.
“Eavesdropper,” I gently scolded.
“Pfft, I think we’re past me overhearin’ school talk. But for the record, I like the idea.” He kissed my neck. “Now sleep, or I’m gonna get thinkin’ about yer ass pressed up against me, which will get me hard and then I’ll just have ta fuck ya again,” he said.
“Sleep it is. You two put me out of commission,” I said, making them chuckle. “I love you both so much. Please tell me you know that?”
“Aye, Snowflake, I know, and I love you, too.”
“Same, I love you, too,” Blake said, his eyes fluttering closed.
It didn’t take long for the two of them to fall asleep.
The sound of their deep, restful breathing called to me to do the same.
But my mind refused to turn off, and every time I closed my eyes, all I could see were the text messages.
What or who was this new threat? Blake was making plans for us, and I loved that, but first, we needed to survive through graduation, and right now, that seemed like a very long time away.