CHAPTER 15 #2
"Here?" he echoes, and I nod, a knot in my throat. Here is as good a place as any.
We walk forward, side by side. I take a few wondering paces into the cute little valley. This will be a great place for Makana. It's quiet and picturesque. If I were a two-fang, this would be where I'd want to live for sure. "Let's take him to the bushes on the far side."
I take a step into the sunlight...
...and my foot skids forward.
"Oh, it's icy," I say, even as I take another step forward. "Watch your step."
"I'll be fine," he says, and wobbles, skidding past me.
I take a few more slippery steps forward, and it's like an ice rink, the snow here.
It's not just crusted over; it's a great big sheet of ice.
There's no grip with my leather soles, and I slide with every step.
I try to change my movements, acting like I'm skating, but with an ice skate, there's a bit of control at least. I take another step forward and slowly spin around in a circle.
A few feet away, Valmir flails, overcorrects, and barely manages to keep upright.
My next step is a bad one and I lose my footing entirely.
I slide to the ground, legs in an awkward split, a protective arm around Makana.
I try to get up and just fall on my ass.
I try again and get the same results. I'm like a fawn with no control over its legs, flailing on the ground.
"I need a moment," I tell Valmir. "Just give me a few. "
"No rush." There's an odd tone to his voice.
I look over and he's on the ground, flat on his back, staring up at the sky. The ice has defeated us both.
I scramble over to his side on all fours, my gloves getting soaked. "Are you okay?"
"My pride is forever wounded," Valmir says, not even trying to get up. His arms are out flat to his sides, and he looks like the saddest snow angel.
Trying to get up again, I plant one foot firmly on the ice — and fall on my ass again. I give up, too, flopping onto my back. Makana squeaks in his pouch, and I give him a pat as I gaze up at the sky.
We both lie there for a long, long moment, staring up at the gloomy sky.
"I guess this is where we live now," Valmir says.
For some reason, this strikes me as hilarious.
I crack up. Hot, delighted laughter pours out of me.
This is the most ridiculous situation, but I can't stop laughing.
To think that we can scale cliffs and survive mutant snails only to be taken out by a patch of ice.
I laugh up at the sunlight and for the first time in a while, I feel happy and light as air.
Valmir chuckles, too. His is a bit more reluctant, but the longer I laugh, the more he joins in. We're both giggling and breathless as we lie on our backs, marooned on ice.
He looks over at me as my laughter dies away. "Can I ask you something?"
I wipe tears of amusement from my eyes. "Sure."
"What did I do wrong? I came back from my task and something changed between us. You stopped laughing at my jokes." He eyes me. "I miss it. I like your laughter."
Oh. My amusement dies, replaced by guilt. "You didn't do anything wrong. I think I just realized that we want different things and it made me sad. Resonance has felt a bit like a trap."
"Because you're stuck with a person you don't like?"
"I like you," I admit. "Until you get all prickly and deliberately push everyone away. But it's more than just liking someone. It's about a future together. We have to want the same things, and I don't think you want what I want."
"What is it you want?" he asks.
I swallow hard. "For me, community is important.
I want to be part of things. I want to help others and be part of their lives as much as anything.
I don't remember much, but I do remember that where I grew up, it was like a great big family.
Everyone was interconnected." I lace my fingers to demonstrate. "Laulima."
He watches me with a wary gaze, saying nothing.
"And…I don't think you want that community, Valmir. You hold yourself back. You never spend time talking to others if you can help it. You keep to yourself."
"So you want me to have friends, as you said."
"It's more than just friendship. It's...being part of things. I'm not asking you to change who you are. I think I'm just realizing that we want very different things and I can't force what I want on you and expect you to be happy. It makes everything feel complicated when it shouldn't be."
He gives me a long, assessing look. "Why does it matter if I'm social or not?"
"It matters because I don't want everything we do to be a fight.
If we resonate, we're tied together. What if I want to eat dinner with the group every night?
What if I want to go hunting with friends?
I'll feel like I have to choose between what you want and what I want, and making that choice every day gets exhausting.
It's better for everyone if we're on the same page, and since we aren't, it makes me feel defeated.
Everything else in this world is so hard, I just want one thing in my life to be easy. "
"You don't want to be my mate?"
"It's not that I don't." I ache at the betrayal in his voice, because I'm hurting him.
It makes my heart hurt, but I need him to understand.
I'm so, so tired. "It's that I don't want to set myself up for a lifetime of arguments.
How's our kid going to be if Mom wants to have friends over and Dad runs away?
What will they think of that? Resonance means we're bringing another person into this world, and I can't help but think about that, too.
I want that child to have harmony in their life, not be torn between parents who want different things.
I don't want every day to feel like a battle. "
He's quiet for a long moment. He's quiet for so long that I start to notice how cold it is on the ice. Makana shifts his weight against my ribs, getting comfortable, and I wonder if I should get up. But then, Valmir speaks. "I understand."
"You do?" It's not what I expect to hear from snarky, sarcastic Valmir.
He looks over at me, his features so strangely different from my own, and yet so familiar to me after weeks of flirting and touching and resonating. "I don't know how to be like Jason."
I make a face. Where is this coming from? "Who says I want you to be like Jason?"
"Jason is always in the thick of things," Valmir comments. "Every time I turn around in camp, he is there, offering someone advice. He remembers a great many things from who he was before. And...I hate him for that."
"You do?"
He nods. "Because I do not have the same.
I do not think I was skilled before. Or a great fighter.
Or any fighter, really. I have no memories of anything.
Chalath and Kyth and Skarr have memories of other fights, or layers upon layers of rules and choreography.
Of clever moves and placements and strategies.
I have none of that." Bitterness twists his mouth.
He eyes me, as if deciding whether or not to be vulnerable.
"I think...I think I am the only clone of me, a splice that somehow failed to meet their approval, and that is why I am here. Because I am not worthy."
I ache for him. What must that feel like? To have others all around you in the same situation, but they've been given tools you haven't. No wonder he struggles to get along with anyone. "For the record, I think you are extremely worthy."
Part of me expects him to say something snarky, but he's thoughtful.
"Perhaps I need to think more like Aidy and Corvak.
They kept themselves apart from the group for a long time because they were afraid, but now they are happily a part of things.
They changed. Perhaps I can change, too.
Perhaps I can learn to be social. Will you help me? "
Our eyes meet, and we gaze at each other. I can practically feel his yearning.
"Of course I will." I reach out and touch his fingers with my gloved ones. "I'm not trying to make you feel like you have to. You have to be who you are."
He shakes his head. "I can at least try. I want to be with you."
"You do?" It's the first time he's ever admitted it so baldly. "I thought you didn't like me."
"You've grown on me." He sounds disgusted at the fact. When I chuckle, his fingers brush mine again, the touch strangely intimate. "You've grown on me a lot. More than is comfortable."
There's a husky note to his voice that makes heat pulse deep in my belly. "Now you're making me blush."
"I'm also making you wet." He glances over at me, his nostrils flaring ever so slightly. The heat inside me turns into an inferno. Rude of him to point that out. Sexy, but rude.
"So you do want to be my mate?"
"I do." His gaze remains locked on mine, the moment vulnerable and open. "I will try to be more social. For you."
"For you, too." My khui's purr feels like a gentle herald and not an ominous sound of doom, for a change. "Also maybe try not to be such a dick when people talk to you?"
"Most people are annoying."
I shoot him a look.
He sighs. "Can I at least be a dick to Chalath?"
I consider this. "You can be a dick to Skarr, but only when he says dumb shit."
"So, all the time?" At my peal of laughter, he caresses my face with his gaze. "I shouldn't say that. Skarr is the closest thing I have to a friend. But even he would acknowledge that he says dumb shit."
I bite back a laugh. "Maybe don't point that out to his face.
Maybe save it up and point it out to me instead, when we're alone.
You'll make a lot more friends that way.
" I love that he wants to try, though. It shouldn't be so he can please me, but maybe if he realizes other people aren't so bad, it won't be just for me.
Valmir plays with my fingers. "You know he thinks females have mind control?"
"That is officially dumb shit, yes."