Chapter 25 Gwen #2
It’d been the right thing to do. That was my truth. If I were in that situation again, I still would have killed him. And I felt no remorse for it.
I knew how that sounded. Like I was some type of sick psychopath with no empathy or compassion.
But just looking and Simone and Junie made my eyes water with compassion and my throat thick with empathy. I had it for those who were hurt, not those who did the hurting.
How many women at the ranch would be safe if the men who put us here got a real punishment for what they’d done?
What if they got what I’d done to David?
After all, these men had already killed us once.
Our hearts may have still been beating, but part of us had died at their hands. Was a life for a life truly cruel?
In a perfect world, it may have been. The world we lived in, though, was far from perfect. Wednesday group sessions were a reminder of that. Each week, I remembered just how screwed up the world was outside of the ranch.
But I wasn’t sure I could get anyone else to understand. I wasn’t sure someone who hadn’t been in a position like Simone and I had could understand. I wasn’t even sure she did.
I listened to all the other women, all their pain, and tried to forget what I had done.
Not because I was ashamed, but because if I spoke up too loudly, or too quickly, I would go on tirades about how much I hated men like David.
How angry I was that they got to go on living while so many of these women had to leave their lives, even their voices, behind.
And I would end up telling the truth.
I’d killed a man, and I wanted to kill so many more.
So far, I had gotten away with it.
Then Light Up Night came around.
Most towns held their Light Up Night in early- to mid-November. We were almost halfway into December now and tonight would be the first night we lit the tree.
Over the last month, everyone chipped in hanging lights, tinsel, and wreaths.
Each door down Second Street was wrapped in some variation of wrapping paper, all featuring a big red, green, silver, or golden bow in the center.
Nearly every inch of the café and rec center were covered in twinkling golden lights.
Christmas music pulsed from speakers in the corners.
Fold-up tables covered in snowflake or Christmas present cloths lined both sides of the road, stretching from the garage at the end of the street to the fifteen-foot-tall pine tree just outside the rec center doors.
Each were filled with cookies or hot chocolate or games.
Looking around at it all had my heart fluttering. No one could call me a grinch, but I had never been all that excited over holidays. But maybe that was because I had no one to be excited with.
Now, Simone had her forearm tucked between mine.
Delilah walked beside her. Sebastian curled his fingers into my other hand.
Lizzie and Junie had been walking alongside us, until they caught sight of the spinning wheel game by the cafeteria.
Now, the two of them were standing in line while we scoped out the cookie table a dozen feet from the rec center doors.
I didn’t want this day to end.
“God, she is so sweet with her.” Simone gestured to Lizzie, squatting to say something to Junie that had them both laughing. “If she ever wants to make some extra cash babysitting, you’ve got my number.”
“Don’t you have, like, a thousand babysitters around here?” Sebastian arched a brow at her. “There’s a whole daycare down the street.”
Simone covered her mouth to keep the thumb drop cookie crumbs inside. “When I was Lizzie’s age, I liked babysitting. It taught me a lot of life skills. And the cash wasn’t bad either.”
“I don’t know if I would call child-rearing a life skill,” Sebastian said, “and I don’t know if it’s one I particularly want her learning.
I’ll be happy if she remains child-free her entire life.
But babysitting Junie is a lot safer than working at a fast-food chain, so that’s alright by me. You pass it along to her though.”
“Speaking of children,” I said to Delilah, “how are you liking the new job?”
A smile stretched across her bright red lips. Her full cheeks scrunched up into her eyes, obscuring the pretty brown shadows and mascara she had surely worked hard on. “Oh my God, I love it.”
A couple weeks ago, Delilah had spoken to Rhiannon about what sort of job she could take on at the ranch. They’d decided the daycare was a good fit. She’d agreed to take any shift, doing any duties.
“I’ve always loved kids,” she said, “but I can’t even describe it. Being around so many of them, playing games all day—I just love it so much. My dream job is being a preschool or daycare teacher full-time. I really think that’s the path I want to go.”
“Aw,” Simone said, dabbing at cookie crumbs along her smiling lips.
There weren’t enough words in the English language to describe how beautiful and wondrous it was when all the work at the ranch paid off. A young girl had a life, a real, marvelous life, ahead of her because she’d chosen to start over.
I snatched one of the Russian tea cookies I had brought for the festival. “Have you talked to anyone about how that would work? Getting started in college, I mean.”
“Yeah, one of the girls at the nursery explained it to me. I have a meeting with Colleen next week and she’ll get me started with a counselor at a local college. I might even be able to do it online.”
“That’s convenient,” Simone said. “My schooling was all hands-on. It was a bitch driving all the way to the closest beauty school.”
“I bet,” Delilah said. “Part of me wants the whole college experience, but I think I’ll be okay with just the degree.”
“The college experience isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway.” Sebastian sipped his hot cocoa and smacked his lips. “I enjoyed it, and I’m grateful for it, but the degree is what you’re really after.”
“Seabass!” Lizzie called, barely visible on the other side of Main Street through all the bustling heads. “Come here!”
A heavy sigh lifted and softened his shoulders. Despite the drama, the hint of a smile told me he wasn’t all that mad. “Duty calls.”
He pecked my cheek before weaseling into the crowd.
“I can’t.” Simone shook her head, smiling as her eyes flicked between me and him. “I can’t with how cute you guys are.”
“Ew.” With a wrinkled nose, I took another bite of my cookie. “Can you not refer to our relationship the way you might refer to a puppy?”
“How in the hell is being called cute a bad thing?” Delilah laughed. “You guys are cute.”
“Cute is what you call teenagers in puppy love.”
“Cute is what you call people who look happy and healthy and normal,” Simone said. “When I look at you two, all I can see is a picket fence.”
“Again, I say, ew.” Quite literally, I had to fight a gag. “Been there. Done that. And I don’t think either of us are cut out for picket fences. Maybe a cottage in the woods though.”
“Aw!” Delilah clapped her hands together before her chest. “That’s what it’s looking like? Like you guys are gonna, you know, be together? Long term?”
“I don’t know.” My cheeks must’ve been bright red, because they felt like fires on my face despite the snow and chill nipping at my nose. “We haven’t talked about it. But it’s not like we’re just hooking up or anything. Usually dating has the intention of a relationship.”
“Obviously.” Simone’s tone was the slightest bit annoyed. “It’s just a little shocking. Opening yourself up is a huge accomplishment.”
I made no attempt to disguise my eye roll.
“It’s not a bad thing.” Delilah stretched out to rub her hand up and down my arm. “It’s a great thing. I know for girls like me, who haven’t been here for very long, it’s just beautiful to see you two so happy.”
“I guess,” I agreed. “But don’t get too excited. We’re taking things slow.”
“And that’s amazing.” Not a touchy-feely person myself, I was still adjusting to all of Delilah’s mannerisms. This time, she grabbed my hand with a big smile and squeezed with all her might. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.” When she released my hand, I tried to sound as enthusiastic as she did. “I’m sure one day, you’re gonna have the happily ever after you’re waiting on too.”
“Oh, I know I will.” Still wearing that massive smile, she shimmied her shoulders with excitement.
“But I’m gonna do it the right way. I’m going to go to school, I’m going to get a degree, I’m gonna make sure that I have my own money and my own life to fall back on, and I’m not going to wind up where I did before. That’s for sure.”
“Ha, that rhymed,” Simone giggled.
To Delilah, I said, “I can’t think of a better plan.”
“Me neither,” Delilah agreed. “It’s funny though, because I have as many fantasies about this happy, independent life that I want to live as I do about telling my ex off.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I fantasize about that sometimes too. Also watching him cry, for some reason?” Simone choked on a laugh, and Delilah snickered.
“I mean, I watched him cry many times. He always did when I told him I was gonna leave. But I would have loved to see him realize that I wasn’t coming back. ”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” Delilah said. “And I know it sounds cruel, but damn it, after everything he did to me, I feel like I’m entitled to a little karma.”
“Not gonna lie,” Simone said, sipping on her cocoa, eyes dark, “closure’s nice.”
“Closure.” Delilah snapped her fingers and pointed at Simone. “That’s what I want. Closure, and maybe a little bit of nonviolent revenge.”
Simone muttered, “Violence isn’t so bad either.”
“What was that?” Delilah asked, clearly not having heard.
Light returned to Simone’s eyes. “At the end of the day, you have your whole life going for you. A plan for the future, the community you’re building here. All that outweighs revenge.”
“I know that rationally,” Delilah said. “Just a nice little fantasy that helps me fall asleep.”
Rhiannon’s voice carried from somewhere behind me. “Simone.”