Chapter 8
Iride and ride, then I ride some more, trying to burn off some of my rage.
I don't know who I'm more fuckin’ mad at, Alicia or Greaser. She clung to me last night. Begged me not to leave her. She kissed me in a way that made me forget all the loyalty I had for her brother, and then right in front of me, in front of all my club brothers, she welcomed him home like that. She kissed him, let him fuckin’ claim her!
I accepted her trading me in for him to be her birthing partner, but I can’t accept this.
When I finally find the strength to get home, and I see her car isn’t there, I don’t know if I’m relieved or more angry.
I assume that she’ll still be at the club with him, seeing to the little graze he took to the arm while we were fighting with that Mexican gang who tried to steal our gun supply.
I should have let those motherfuckers kill him, instead of spotting him and ensuring the bullet didn’t hit his chest.
I throw my keys at the wall and yell out in temper, scrubbing my hand over my face and trying to figure if I should pack a fuckin’ bag or stick around to confront her.
Is she that fuckin’ blind that she can’t see what he’s doin’?
Greaser hasn’t changed, he’s still the nasty, conniving bastard that left here when Raze showed up and started dragging us outta the gutter.
He didn’t wanna live by morals or do what's right. He wanted to keep fuckin’ up shit and gain for himself, just like Cliff did.
That cunt came back here for her, and I’ve let him get exactly what he wanted.
Whatever he’s done or said to her today, has made her forget what happened between us last night, and I’m wondering how that's even possible. Yeah, it was just a fuckin’ kiss.
.. but to me it was the start of what we were gonna be.
I was gonna tell how I felt tonight; ask her to give me a fuckin’ chance to be the man who makes her happy.
I laugh at how pathetic I’ve been as I sit on the couch, staring at the floor and wonder what my next move should be.
Headlights pull up outside the house, and I know it’s her just from the sound of her car engine. When the door opens, and she steps inside, I’m half expecting him to be with her. I’m real fuckin’ grateful that he ain’t because, right now, there ain’t much that could stop me from killing him.
“Vike…we need to talk.” She starts when she sees me shaking my head at her.
“Damn fuckin’ straight we do.” I stand up and move to the table, resting my palms on its surface and breathing myself calm.
“Why did you do it?” I spin back around to face her. “You told me you didn’t have feelings for him.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I wait for her answer. “You told me that, then you let him fuckin’ claim you.” God, I’m mad.
“Do you really want to be here, Vike?” She ignores my question. “Did you really want to kiss me last night, or did you just feel sorry for me?”
“Of course, I wanna be here, and last night….fuck, Alicia. Last night was wrong but—”
“You fucked Trinity!” she yells over me.
“I what?” My head shakes, wondering what the hell she’s talking about.
“Alicia, I have no idea what you're talkin’ about. I haven’t fucked Trinity, or anyone else, since I realized I’m in—” I stop myself from saying it, because once I do, it's like a curse that can’t be taken back.
I’ve let Saul down enough already. Same way I let everyone who's ever fuckin’ loved me down.
“Since when, Vike?” She waits for me to finish, but I can’t. I’m hurting too much already. I’ve realized that the woman in front of me not only has me going against my morals, but she also has the power to destroy me.
“You know what, Alicia, you believe whatever you want. You made your choice today when you kissed him, in front of everyone at the club.” I grab my keys from the floor and storm out the door.
Heading straight for the club so I can warn Greaser what I’ll do to him if he ever dares to fuckin’ hurt her.
I ride into the parking lot and march through the arch, my rage multiplying when I see Trinity giggling with one of the hangouts over by the door to her room. Changing direction, I head right for her, grabbing her neck in my hands and slamming her against the wall behind her.
“Why did you lie to Alicia?” I ask her, wishing to God she had a dick so I could fuck her face up.
“Baby, I was saving you from yourself. You don’t want all that baggage, and Saul was your best friend; he was like famil—.”
“You know nothing about my family,” I hiss at her, gripping her throat tighter and trying to stop the images of them from flashing in my head.
“You talk in your sleep, honey.” She shows no fear as she smiles and winks at me.
“You stay the fuck away from her, and you stay the fuck away from me,” I warn, releasing her and storming into the club to find Greaser.
“Where is he?” I ask Dev who's got his old lady resting on his lap, cleaning up his knuckles.
“He left here about five minutes ago. Alicia called. She was pretty upset,” Millie answers, looking pissed at me.
“Fuck!” I slam my hand on the bar.
“Did you know there was something between them?” I ask Millie, hating myself for letting this bother me so fuckin’ much.
I may not be right for her, but he sure as fuck ain’t the man who is.
Every time I think about going back to her, of explaining that she’s got it all wrong, I see their faces flashing in my head.
White still faces, reminding me of what the consequences of my love can be.
“We’ve all kinda seen it coming, Vike. Greaser’s been there for her a lot recently, and he’s not been hiding how he feels,” Millie tells me, and when Dev senses that her words are making me even angrier, he subtly shakes his head at her.
“Where’s Raze?” I glance around the bar.
“He’s at home with Peyton and that kid they’re taking care of, why?” Dev starts looking concerned.
“Because I’m puttin’ in for a fuckin’ transfer; there's no way I’m sticking around to watch this shit show happen.”
“Hey, relax.” Dev places his girl on her feet and stands up, nodding for her to stay put as he grabs my arm and drags me out back, onto the deck that looks out over the ocean.
“You know she heard about what went down with you and Trin—”
“Nothin’ went down with me and fuckin’ Trin. I don’t know why, but the bitch made it all up,” I explain, getting more and more aggravated.
“Vike, why are you doing this? Why are you sitting back and letting him have her when you love her?” he questions me, as if I don’t already fuckin’ know, and this time, I don’t deny it. I just shrug at him helplessly.
“I don’t know what game Greaser’s playing, but if you leave, it puts her in danger. Alicia needs you.”
“She kissed him, Dev. She kissed him right in front of me, in front of all of ya.” I remind him that even if I am in love with her, there's every chance she’s falling in love with him.
“She was mad at ya, she thought you'd slept with Trinity. Doesn't her reaction prove that she has feelings for you, too?”
“Her kissing someone else with me watching only proves one thing to me.” I grip the railing in front of me.
“If you leave here, Greaser wins; he gets the girl, and you’re gonna regret every day that passes since you left her.”
“You voted that fucker in,” I remind him, thinking it’s a little late for him to be having suspicions now.
“Yeah, I voted him in, but I’m seeing little things that make me doubt that we can trust him. The way he left here so mad; now he’s all up in Raze’s ass. I think it’s time you start playing Greaser at his own game,” Dev advises.
“I don’t wanna be part of no game, Dev. I want her to have chosen me,” I admit weakly. Confused and frustrated at my own damn feelings.
“How the fuck do you expect the girl to choose you when you’ve never laid it on the table?” He laughs at me, and as much as I fuckin’ hate it, he’s right.
“What’s been holdin’ ya back, Vike?”
“You know what it is... Sau–”
“Bullshit! It ain’t her brother, and if he was here, he’d kick your ass for using him as an excuse.
You know Saul would want her to be with someone who cares for her the way you do.
Be honest with yourself. You're terrified of losing another person that you love. You're scared to love her, you’re scared to lose her, and I know it because I’ve been exactly where you are.
I’ve felt your pain. I’ve tried to deny myself; spare that person the burden for the greater good, but it doesn’t work like that.
You can’t switch those feelings off, you can’t shut ’em out.
There just gonna fester and eat away insi—”
“This is different!” I yell over him, not able to bear it anymore.
“How?” he questions, raising one of his eyebrows.
“Because, it ain’t just her I run the risk of hurtin’, Dev; she’s having a kid.”
“Does that scare you?” he tests me.
“What? No, I’ll love that kid when it gets here… I kinda think I already do–”
“So why are you letting him take ’em from ya?
” Dev interrupts me again. “Fight for your girl, Vike. Drop your defenses, lose your fuckin’ hang-ups, and fuckin’ do something before you lose that girl for good.
” He slaps my shoulder and heads back inside, leaving me on the deck to think about what he said.