Chapter 18
“What do you mean, we can’t have him?” Peyton yells at the woman on the other side of the desk. “We did the right thing. We want to make this official. That little boy loves us; he’s become part of our family.” The woman remains straight-faced and unresponsive as my girl rants at her.
“I’m sorry, Miss, but not making us aware that he was in your care for so long didn’t help your case.
That, alongside Mr. Ashford's criminal record, all factored into the board making the decision that he’d be better homed somewhere else,” she explains robotically, and I watch my girl’s world shatter.
“We love him; he felt safe with us,” she explains, hoping it will change the woman's mind.
“I’m sorry, the board's decision is final.” There’s a hint of a sad smile on her face for Peyton, but no sympathy for me when she glances over to me.
“And what if Peyton was making this application by herself?” I ask; the past few months, I’ve watched my girl find her spark again.
Taking care of Leo has taken all her focus off trying to get pregnant.
It’s given her a chance to become the mom she so desperately wants to be, and I was even starting to think I was doing a good job of the whole father thing.
“That doesn’t matter, Raze, I’m not making the appli—”
“Would it?” I talk over Peyton and ask the woman my question again.
“You served a jail sentence for a long time and a serious offence, Mr. Ashford. You're also the president of a very well-known outlaw gang.”
“A motorcycle club,” I correct her, feeling weak and fuckin’ useless
“I’m sorry it’s not the answer you both wanted, we’d be happy for you to have supervised visitation–”
“Supervised?” Peyton looks horrified. “That boy lived with us for months; we took care of him, we fed and clothed him. He trusted us.” She sobs some more, and I don’t even have the strength myself to comfort her.
“Not to our knowledge; if we’d had known where he was, he would have been removed from your care immediately. A biker clubhouse is not the place to raise a child. Now, would you like to apply for visitation? I’m sure Leo would like to see you again.”
“This is cruel.” Peyton shakes her head and stands up. “We’re not bad people; we could give him a home and a family that loves him. The people on that board hadn’t even met us; they hadn’t even met Leo. They are making judgments on people they know nothing about.”
“Come on, Pey, let’s go.” I grab her by her shoulders before she loses her cool and starts making a scene.
“I don’t want to leave here without him. You saw how scared he was when they made him go with that woman. I promised him we’d fix it.” She looks up at me with eyes full of tears.
“I’m sorry, darlin’, we got no choice on this.” I wish it didn’t have to be me who ruined another thing for her.
“Raze, you're not gonna let them keep him, are you? Promise me we’ll get him back.” She stares at me as if I actually hold the power to fix this.
“I’m sorry, darlin’.” I kiss her forehead and lead her out the door, onto the street, and toward our car.
“I promised him we’d bring him home. I told him he’d only be with that family they placed him with for a few days,” she cries as I drive us back to the club.
“I know ya did.” I stare at the road, trying to hold back tears of my own. Peyton needs me to be strong for her. She needs me to be the man who protects her and makes things right, but I don’t feel like him anymore.
“We have to fight for him, Raze. We have to do something.” I pull over and slam my fist into the wheel when I can’t take it a second fuckin’ longer. I scream out my frustration and slam my fist into the wheel five more times, and it does nothing to eliminate the guilt and pain inside me.
“You think I don’t wanna fight, Peyton?!
You think I don’t wanna drive to that fuckin’ house he’s in, and snatch him away so we can bring him home?
We can’t. We can’t fuckin’ have him, and it’s all my fault!
” I scream at her, making her big blue eyes blink in shock, and when I’ve let it all out, I slump back in my seat and look up to the ceiling of the car.
“Fuck!” I slam my hand into the wheel again and curse God for giving her something to love, then taking it away because of me.
“This isn’t your fault.” She shakes her head, sniffling as she wipes away her tears.
“Yeah, it fuckin’ is, and I need you to say it.”
“Raze?” She looks back at me like she doesn’t understand.
“Look me in the eye and tell me this is all my fault,” I repeat, needing her to say it out loud.
“I’m not saying something that isn’t true,” she tells me sternly.
“But it is true, and it’s time you started facing up to the fact that you’d be better off without me.”
“Don’t say that, Raze. You're talking crazy. We’re both mad and upset, let's go home and—”
“Just say it, Peyton!” I yell at her again. “Just fuckin’ say it.” It feels as if I’m losing my mind.
“Fine! It’s all your fault!” she screams from the top of her lungs. “I wanted to make his life better. I wanted to prove to him that love existed, and now I’ve lost him, and it’s All. Your. Fault!” She gets outta the car and slams the door, starting to walk away from me.
“Peyton, what are you doin’? There's a killer on these streets.” I get out the car and chase after her.
“Yeah, I’d rather take the risk of running into him than listen to your self-pity a second longer.” She points her finger in my face and continues to walk away.
“Peyton!”
“Fuck off, Raze!” she hollers back at me, making it clear she wants to be alone, and forcing me to kerb crawl her all the way back to the fuckin’ club.
“What's got into her?” Sinner asks when Peyton marches through the club straight toward the back door. I’m assuming she doesn’t wanna face anyone and that she’s heading home.
I wanna go after her, to hold her and comfort her.
I wanna tell her how sorry I am for fuckin’ up her life so bad, but I can’t face seeing her so broken when I feel so crushed myself.
“We lost the kid,” I tell him, looking at the floor and taking a deep breath
“Fuckin’ careless of ya.” He laughs as if all this is some kinda joke, and I grab the irritating shitbag by the lapels of his cut, and slam him against the wall.
“This ain’t a fuckin’ joke, Sinner. For once in your life, can you take something seriousl–”
“Hey, Raze, chill.” I look to my left, surprised to see that it’s Connor fuckin’ Monkhouse who’s stepped in to ease me down. He looks nothing like himself tonight; his shirt is half open, his eyes are bloodshot, and he’s stumbling on his feet.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here?” I ask him, keeping a firm grip on Sinner and looking our club lawyer up and down.
“Hanging out,” he tells me, with his chest all puffed out and a proud smile on his face. “My buddy, Sin, here, told me it’d be okay.”
“Your buddy?” I look between the two of them, confused; you couldn’t get two people more opposite each other.
“C’mon, Raze, Connor helps us out a lot; he’s practically a member.” Sinner straightens out his cut when I release him, and Connor's face lights up at what he just heard.
“He’s our fuckin’ lawyer; we need him sober,” I point out, looking at the guy who’s usually afraid of his own shadow and shaking my head.
“I did actually come here on business. I just got distracted,” he slurs.
“By whores and liquor,” Sinner boasts proudly, inspiring Connor to raise the glass in his hand and make an imaginary toast before drinking.
“Then we'd better go through to the office.” I grab the drink from his hand, slam it on the bar, and use the guy's shoulders to spin him around and push him toward the door.
“What's the problem?” I ask, slamming the door and not needing any more bad news today.
“I thought we agreed that the businesses you set up here in Long Beach were gonna be legit.” He sways some more on his feet before I force him to sit down.
“Yeah, and they are,” I assure him. The gym and garage are just the start of what I have planned. I know we have a long way to go before the people in our community start trusting us again, but we’re making a good start
“That's not what I’ve heard today.” He shakes his head.
“What the fuck have you heard?” I feel myself bubbling with rage; whoever's saying shit about my club chose the wrong day to do it.
“I got called in to represent a kid earlier, he’d been busted for stealing cars,” he explains. “I spoke to him before his interview with the cops; told him the best way for me to help him was for him to be straight with me.”
“And?” I wait for him to get to the fuckin’ point.
“And he told me he’s been taking his cars to your garage,” he reveals.
“What?” I stand in shock.
“Luckily, I convinced him not to rat on the club. If the cops find out you're runnin’ a chop shop, Raz—.”
“We ain’t runnin a fuckin’ chop shop. I told you, the garage is legit.”
“Not according to Jenson Dunn; he told me he’s been taking hot autos there for well over a month.”
“Sober the fuck up,” I tell him, leaving him in my office, heading back out to the barroom, and scanning the room looking for Greaser.
“Hey, how’d it go with the kid today?” Wrath steps up to ask me, and I shake my head, not wanting to get into it now. I need to get to the bottom of whatever shit Greaser’s pulling.
“You seen Greaser?” I ask, ignoring the question. Feeling anger is much better than feeling hurt.
“Not since earlier. It’s his wedding tomorrow, he’s probably having himself an early night.” I barge past my VP and head out the back door, making my way toward the beach hut and hoping I’ll find Peyton there.
When I get to the patio doors and see her curled up in a ball on the couch, crying into her knees, I open the doors to go to her, but the pain she looks up at me with is far too much to take.
“I need to head out; I gotta deal with something,” I tell her, stepping inside and stroking my hand over her soft blonde hair.
“Now?” She looks up at me through her lashes, her eyes swollen from the tears I fuckin’ caused.
“I’m sorry, darlin’, this can’t wait.” I swallow all my anger and give myself a second to appreciate her. I don’t wanna let her go, but it’s starting to feel like my only option.
“I hate it when we fight,” she whispers, standing up on her knees and wrapping her arms around my neck.
“Me too,” I tell her, smiling sadly when I’m reminded that losing Leo is just the start of the problems she’s gonna face being with me.
“Don’t be long, Raze. I need you tonight.”
“I love you. You know that, right?” I hope she knows how much I mean it. The sad truth is, this woman doesn’t need me at all. She’s grown so much since she’s been here; she’s found a family, and in doing that, she’s found herself.
“I love you, too.” She kisses me, and I taste the salt from her tears as they spill between her lips. I manage to tear myself away from her, heading to the door.
“Hey, Raze…” she calls after me, and when I turn back around and see the brave smiles she’s pulled together for me, my heart breaks a little more.
“There's nothing we can’t get through,” she promises, somehow looking hopeful and devastated at the same time, and I nod my head back at her, not feeling convinced as I leave before she sees my own tears.