Logan
Over the Pacific Ocean
“Man, you’ve been quiet as hell since we sat down,” Townsend says, sitting across from me. His tone is casual, but there’s genuine concern underneath. “What’s eating at you?”
I wish I was in my Raptor. Flying solo.
But I’m not. It’s still at the base. Beside Ryan’s.
I don't want to talk. I don’t want to confront all the shit I’m feeling.
I want to shove it into a box and seal it up tight.
I don’t look at him. “Nothing.”
“Bullshit,” Dalton mutters from my other side. He’s flipping through a dog-eared book he brought, but his sharp tone tells me he’s been paying attention. “You’re a fucking mess.”
“Not in the mood, Everett,” I snap, my voice low and warning.
“Yeah, well, too bad,” Dalton retorts, closing the book with a soft thud and setting it on his lap.
“We’re stuck on this plane together for hours, and you clearly have something you need to work out.
” He pauses like he isn’t going to continue, and then changes his mind.
“Losing Carter was awful. I know I’m new to the flight, but Ryan was still my brother.
You think that didn’t destroy me too? You get to hurt and fuck does it hurt, but you don’t get to do this self-destructing shit and shut us all out.
When we’re in the air, my life is in your hands.
How am I supposed to trust you to do your job if your hands are already full? ”
Townsend leans forward, elbows on his knees, and pins me with a look.
“Everett’s right. You need to sort your shit out before you get back in the cockpit.
Doc says you’ve got eight to twelve weeks until we have you back, so you might as well start talking.
You’re a danger to all of us in this state.
” Townsend flexes his authority but there’s no bite in his words, just concern.
My jaw tightens. I keep my eyes forward, refusing to meet his gaze.
“What happened with Lila?” Townsend asks.
The image of her on top of me flashes in my mind.
My blood heats before I shove the thoughts away and continue staring forward.
“There it is,” Dalton says with a humorless chuckle.
I glare at him, and he holds up his hands. “Hey, don’t get pissed at me. You weren’t okay on the flight home, but you’re worse now. So what happened?”
“I told her it was a mistake. We’re a mistake,” I say flatly, my voice colder than I intend. The words taste like ash in my mouth.
Dalton stiffens beside me. “You what?”
“You heard me,” I snap, my voice sharper now.
“I stayed at her house last night and I shouldn’t have.
I used her. I didn’t mean to, I just…I needed to feel something other than the guilt and whatever the fuck else this is.
” I tug on my collar, swallowing hard. “And then I told her the truth. Told her it didn’t mean anything. ”
Townsend lets out a low whistle, shaking his head. “You trying to make her as broken as you?”
“Fuck off, Nick,” I bite out, the bitterness tearing at my throat. “It’s better this way.”
“Better for who?” Dalton demands, his voice rising. “Because it sure as hell isn’t better for you. Look at you. And something tells me bailing after sex isn't better for her either.”
I slam my head back against the seat, the frustration boiling over. “You think I don’t know that?”
“Then why the hell did you do it?” Dalton shoots back.
“Because I’m not good for her!” I explode, my voice echoing in the confined space. Both of them go quiet, staring at me as I struggle to pull myself back together.
I take an uneasy breath, forcing my fist open and the muscles in my forearm to unwind enough to stop shaking. “I’m not the guy she thinks I am. I can’t give her what she deserves. I’m not…whole. And she shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
Townsend leans back, his expression uncharacteristically serious. “So, what? You decided to burn it all down? Rip her apart so she doesn’t wait around for you?”
I look away, my chest heaving. “Yeah. Something like that.”
Dalton shakes his head, disgust written all over his face. “You’re a damn coward.”
My head snaps toward him, but before I can retaliate, he continues.
“Yeah, you heard me. You’re running from her because you’re scared she might actually love you enough to stick around. You’re pushing her away because it’s easier than letting her in.”
“Shut up, Everett,” I growl, but my voice lacks conviction.
“No, I won’t,” he says, leaning forward, his voice like steel. “Because I’ve seen guys like you. Hell, I’ve been you. You think if you keep pushing everyone away, it’ll hurt less when they’re gone. But all you’re doing is making sure you end up alone.”
I slump back in my seat, defeated.
Townsend sighs, running a hand through his dark blond hair. “Look, man, I’m not great at relationships, but you told us yourself that Lila’s special. And you don’t throw that away because you’re scared of being vulnerable.”
I let out a loud breath. “You think it’s that easy? You think I can just…fix myself and be what she needs?”
“No,” Dalton says bluntly. “But I think she deserves to make that decision herself.”
The plane shudders slightly as it hits turbulence. I close my eyes, pressing the heels of my palms against them, trying to block it all out.
“She deserves better,” I mutter, more to myself than to them.
“Then be better,” Dalton counters.
I don’t respond. Instead I listen to the engines drone on. A cruel soundtrack to the miles stretching between me and the heart I’m leaving behind.