Lila
Hampton, Virginia
The knock at the door comes. I’m curled up on the couch. My chest feels hollow, like I’ve been scraped clean, and my eyes burn from crying. I force myself to stand, each movement sluggish and heavy, and make my way to the door.
When I open it, Ivy and Alinna are there, their faces full of concern.
Ivy’s wearing a flowy white tank top tucked into light-wash wide-leg jeans and tan leather sandals, her long blonde hair pulled into a loose braid over her shoulder.
Alinna’s dressed in a simple black sleeveless jumpsuit with strappy sandals, her glossy dark hair is curled in loose waves and clipped back.
They both look effortlessly put together.
A stark contrast to Logan’s oversized demo team crewneck that I borrowed from him when he first deployed and the soft leggings I dug out of my drawer after I forced myself into the shower.
The warm water had done little to wash away last night.
To combat the surge of memories of Logan in there with me.
Of his hands sliding over my body, the way his calloused fingers had traced every inch of me with a devastating mix of reverence and hunger.
Even now, the ghost of his touch lingers—his rough grip on my hip, the press of his chest against my back, the way his breath had been hot against my neck right before he—
I shake my head, forcing the thoughts away.
But it’s useless. The imprint of him is everywhere. In the way my body still hums with the aftermath. In the way the scent of him lingers in the air. I suck in a breath, trying to focus on the present, on my friends, but the ache of his absence threatens to take me out.
I step out of the way as Ivy walks into my house, setting the tray of iced lattes on the end table and then pulling me into a hug. “Oh, Lila,” she says softly, her gaze scanning my face. “You look like you’ve been crying.”
Ivy’s too nice to say what she really means. I look like shit.
“No doubt she has been,” Alinna says matter-of-factly, dropping a bag of pastries next to the coffees. “When did Logan leave?” I’m thankful her teaching assignment got postponed and that she’s not halfway across the world right now.
“This morning,” I whisper, collapsing back onto the couch and tugging the blanket tighter around me.
Ivy hands me a latte. “Drink this.”
I take a sip, the sweet and salty caramel syrup bringing me to life.
“What happened?” Alinna asks, settling into the cushions with her coffee. Her bright blue eyes study me, full of concern. “You sounded wrecked on the phone.”
I wrap my fingers around the cool plastic cup, condensation chilling my skin. “He’s gone,” I murmur. My voice cracks as I stare into the latte, like it holds all the answers I need. “And I think I broke him even more by letting him leave like I did.”
Ivy shifts to sit closer to me. “Lila, what happened? Start from the beginning.”
So I do.
I tell them about the memorial and our night together, letting the words spill out until my chest feels empty. The silence between each confession stretches tight, drenched in disbelief, weighted by a past I never imagined would claw its way back up.
I take a breath, watching Ivy and Alinna as their faces slowly pale, their expressions shifting from shock to sorrow.
“He called Lincoln by his call sign,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “Reaper. That’s how I knew. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise. At least, not when he did. They were each other’s wingmen.” My throat tightens. “Logan was there when Lincoln died.”
Ivy’s eyebrows knit together like she’s trying to convince herself she heard me wrong. “Wait. What?”
Alinna’s gaze flicks between me and Ivy as she pieces everything together. Then, wordlessly, reaches forward and takes the coffee from my too-tight grasp.
“Yeah,” I murmur, my hands twisting together in my lap. “And he feels…responsible. He thinks if he’d done something differently, maybe Lincoln would still be here.”
Ivy swipes at her eyes quickly. The emotion is too much and I can’t help but wonder if this is familiar territory for her.
But it’s Alinna who speaks. “Why do you think he didn’t tell you when you told him about Lincoln? He already knew everything you were saying to him then, so why—” She cuts herself off, shaking her head.
I wish I had the answers she’s looking for.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “He doesn’t talk about it.
I don’t even know if I can ask him.” My heart aches just saying it out loud.
“But I think…I think he blames himself. Every day. And I think he’s afraid I’ll blame him too.
But I don’t. I won’t. Of course it’s not his fault Linc died. Of course I know that.”
It should’ve been me.
Ivy places a hand on my shoulder, her voice steady despite the obvious pain in her eyes. “Lila, listen to me. You can’t carry that weight for him. It’s not your burden to bear.” She squeezes lightly.
I look down, trying to steady my breathing, my head swimming with the confusion of it all.
“I know,” I say quietly. “I just…it’s so much.
It feels like everything I knew about Logan is changing.
And the thing is, I’m not angry at him. But I don’t know what to do with all this.
It’s like he’s been holding onto this secret, and I can’t even blame him for it since I did the same thing.
But it doesn’t make it easier.” My eyes burn, the tears threatening to spill, but I blink them back.
“ I don’t know if I can ever be what he needs, not with all this weighing him down. ”
Alinna pulls me into a tight hug, her tone careful but firm.
“Lila, I think Logan used this secret to push you away. Telling you now—it wasn’t just about honesty.
I think it was self-sabotage. Everything he said, the way he shut you out…
You can’t take his words at face value because I don’t think it’s actually about you.
He just lost his best friend. He’s reliving a pain most people never have to experience once. Let alone twice.”
Ivy exhales sharply. “Exactly, he’s in the middle of a mental war zone right now. I know this spiral. I’ve seen it before.” She pauses, shaking her head. “When someone is drowning in everything they’re feeling, they push the people they care about away. But it doesn’t mean he loves you any less.”
Don’t you get it? I don’t love you.
I swallow hard, Logan’s voice echoing in my mind. Tears prick at my eyes, and I shake my head as a few fall. “I know he’s hurting, but he didn’t have to be so cruel. He told me it was a mistake. That it was just…sex.”
I don’t love you.
I don’t think I can repeat those words aloud.
Ivy’s expression tightens, and she reaches for my hand. “I’ve been there.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “My husband divorced me because he was caught in a storm so dark he couldn’t see his way through. Logan’s trapped in his head, battling ghosts. Alinna’s right, this isn’t about you.”
Alinna’s brow furrows, her voice quiet. “Did he tell you anything about what’s going on in his mind?”
I nod, my throat tightening. “He said he’s too broken for me. That he shouldn’t have let things happen between us last night. And that’s when he told me about Lincoln. He said Linc took a missile meant for Logan.” I try to distract myself by reaching for my coffee.
Both of them sit up straighter. Ivy’s gaze sharpens, and Alinna’s lips part in alarm.
“You mean literally?” Ivy asks, her voice edged with worry.
I take a shaky sip of my latte, the memory of Logan’s confession fresh in my mind.
“Yes. He said everything was unraveling during a mission, that he was outmaneuvered and Linc stepped in. He was supposed to eject but something went wrong and he never made it out. Then Ryan…he did the same thing. Gave his life to save Logan. You should have seen the haunted look in his eyes. He’s living his nightmare. ”
Alinna’s hand is on her heart. “Oh my goodness.”
Ivy exhales sharply, her blonde braid slipping over her shoulder.
“That kind of guilt doesn’t just sit in the corner of your mind.
It eats at you, especially when you lose someone close.
” She pauses, jaw tight. “Kyler carried his own ghosts from deployments, and when things fell apart between us, it felt like they were the ones in control. As much as Logan loves you, he’s probably convinced he’s protecting you by walking away. ”
I don’t though. Don’t you get it?
I press the heels of my hands to my eyes, trying to stop the tears. “But he’s not protecting me. He’s tearing me apart.”
Alinna grips my hand, fierce yet comforting. “You’re right but he’s not thinking straight. He’s broken, Lila. And when people are broken, they make bad choices.”
Ivy nods. “Logan needs help. Real help. This isn’t something you can fix for him.”
A shaky breath escapes me. “So what do I do? Just sit here while he destroys himself?”
“You give him time,” Alinna says, her voice gentle but resolute. “Let him get through this mission. Let him find his way back to himself. And in the meantime, we’re here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Ivy picks up the paper bag, pulling out an almond croissant and handing it to me. “Exactly. And you’re going to start by eating something, because crying on an empty stomach is a terrible life choice.”
Despite everything, a faint laugh escapes me. “I love you guys.”
Alinna leans back, crossing her arms. “Just promise me one thing, when that man comes crawling back, don’t let him off the hook too easily. Make him work for it.”
Ivy smiles, her grip on my hand tightening. “But also, don’t forget how much he loves you. Even if he’s too broken to say it right now.”
I don’t love you.
I glance down at the croissant, a lump forming in my throat.
“I hope you’re right,” I whisper.
Alinna squeezes my hand. “We are. You’ll see.”