31. Wynter
Wynter
T hree weeks since I felt Bas’ lips on mine. Three weeks since I inhaled him deep into my lungs. Three weeks since I felt alive.
I stepped into the shower and turned it on. Cold water washed over my skin, raining droplets, but before shivers started, the water turned hot, painful against my skin. Yet, the pain didn’t compare to this all-consuming ache in my chest. I leaned back against the wall and slowly sank down.
The kingpin necklace Basilio gave me no longer hung around my neck. Instead, I wrapped it around my wrist and used it as a bracelet. I kept the kingpin skull hidden under the chain, worried someone would recognize it.
Pulling my legs up against my chest, I started crying. I missed him. No matter what I did, I’d never be able to forget him. Each breath I took was for him. Maybe he just wanted my cursed connection to the Russians, but all of it couldn’t have been a lie.
Could it?
I’ve asked Sasha to look into my grandmother. Winter Volkov. I needed to know more about my family. They’ve kept me in the dark long enough.
The history wasn’t a good one. It began with a kidnapping by my grandfather.
Like a thief in the night, Grandpa snuck into Russia and stole a young woman.
My grandmother. In order to ensure the Pakhan wouldn’t join the Syndicate.
He fell in love. But my grandmother died giving birth to my mother and the war between the Brennans and the Volkov Pakhan escalated.
Jesus Christ. Grandfather never stopped mourning her. Even now, after all these years, he never spoke of anyone but the woman he lost. The woman he stole from her home, but he failed to mention that part.
Was it his punishment? To lose something which wasn’t meant to be his and then have a reminder in his daughter and granddaughter. How many times has he told me I looked like his true love and the reminder was always bittersweet.
Just like everything reminded me of Bas.
A scent. A word. A song.
The image of Bas kneeling in front of me, with my dirty foot in his hands and looking up at me like he owned me. His father’s words were killing me slowly from the inside. Poisonous and shattering words that altered my world forever.
Yet, what if they were lies? Uncle lied too. Yes, his intentions were good, but he had lied to me for so long. Maybe Gio lied too.
Or maybe I was a fool.
God, this was torture. I was falling apart on the inside.
When I was around Sasha, I was able to maintain my composure. It was required of me since I started competing. No outbursts or reactions in public were ever tolerated. But when I was alone, my heart shattered over and over again.
I dragged myself out of the shower and put on my clothes.
White jeans and a green t-shirt. Throwing a fleeting glance in the mirror, I made sure the reflection that stared back at me didn’t look like my inner state.
Thankfully, I looked fine on the outside.
Probably thanks to Sasha. He bought me some new clothes and got some of my stuff from the girls so I’d feel more comfortable.
With a heavy sigh, I put my ‘I’m fine’ face on and padded to the living room where a large floor-to-ceiling window offered magnificent views of the city. It was only nine in the morning and Sasha had actual work to do today, so I’d spend it alone.
He probably has to kill someone , I thought wryly to myself. Did it bother me? No, not really. He swore to me he only killed bad people. So I guess that was okay. Fuck, maybe my moral compass has been skewed all along.
My sigh sounded loud in the spacious, empty penthouse decorated in white and black.
Three weeks since I walked away from DiLustros. I’d stayed with Sasha in his penthouse on the Jersey side overlooking New York City. It was almost torture because it reminded me of my first date with Bas.
And just like a fool that liked to open the wound and let it bleed all over again, I’d stare at the city every morning and night, and remember our first dance. His hot breath against my skin and his words in my ear.
The sound of the doorbell filled the penthouse and I jumped, startled. Glancing around, I stood unsure whether I should answer it or not.
Then banging on the door. Whoever it was, he or she wasn’t happy. They banged like maniacs.
“We know you’re in there.” Juliette’s voice was muffled, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Well, the maniacal banging on the door made sense now. “Open the goddamn door or I’m going to kick it in.”
“Always so dramatic,” I muttered under my breath, but I headed for the door and unlocked it, then came face-to-face with my three best girlfriends.
Three sets of blue, grey, and hazel eyes stared back at me.
My three best friends regarded me with pity and sorrow.
It gutted me and somewhere deep down a scream bubbled in my throat.
I didn’t want pity. I wanted to scream at them that I had survived and I was stronger now.
But instead, I just smiled and opened the door wider.
“Want to come in?” I asked, my voice raspy.
One moment they stared, the next all three threw themselves at me and wrapped their arms around me. It was like getting suffocated with love.
“I missed you, Wyn.” Juliette’s voice was slightly high-pitched with emotions.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I missed y’all, too.”
“Killian wanted to attack this building,” Ivy announced.
A choked laugh escaped me. That sounded like my cousin.
“It was so fucking tense without you,” she added.
“Brennan screams into the phone at everyone and anyone, demanding you be brought home or he’ll wipe the Nikolaev men off the face of this planet. ”
“Davina had to distract him by any means necessary,” Jules added, rolling her eyes. “Sex every day, all day long. In the bed, on the desk, in the bathroom… fucking everywhere. I’m trying hard to unhear those noises.”
Davina smacked her against her shoulder. “It worked, didn’t it?” Davina grumbled. “You wanted to plan the attack with Killian.”
Jules smiled guilty. “Well, we have to learn strategy of attack someday.”
And just like that, things were back to normal. Like nothing had happened, but a lot did.
“Come in,” I urged them in.
Once inside, Juliette whistled. “Wow, so this is how fucking Russians live, huh?”
I winced at the sound of her tone. Uncle Liam’s dislike for Russians was always evident, but now that I learned some of my heritage, I didn’t know how to take it.
Ignoring her usual comments, I led them into the living room and instead of sitting on the couch, the four of us sat on the floor and crisscrossed our legs.
Just like we did in our small dorm room. It seemed ages ago, yet it was only last month.
“What the hell happened, Wyn?” Juliette wasted no time. “Why did you refuse to see us?”
I sighed.
“Damn it, Jules,” Davina scolded her. “We said we’d give her time.”
My cousin ignored her. “I was worried sick. Wondering if you are okay or what you’re hiding.” I swallowed hard. “I know you’re hiding something. Something happened and you don’t want us to know.”
I shook my head and tried to smile but I failed miserably.
“Damn it, Jules,” Ivy groaned. “Stop it. You’re upsetting her and she’ll kick us out. Let her tell us when she’s ready.”
Since when has Ivy come to her senses.
“I’m fine,” I waved my hand.
“You’re not fine,” my cousin protested. “We grew up together. I know when you’re hurting and one look at you and I know you’re hurt.”
The lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger, and tears burned in the back of my eyes, while my heart and my soul shuddered. Juliette stilled and our eyes connected. She had never seen me like this. After all, it wasn’t every day you fell for your enemy.
My villain.
I still thought of him as mine.
A lone tear rolled down my cheek and my lip trembled. Before I saw her take a step, Jules wrapped me into her arms. I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. If I started, I wouldn’t stop.
“It’s okay,” she murmured. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s okay,” I croaked, barely finding my voice.
“No, it’s not.”
The next moment, Davina and Ivy joined in, attempting to smother me with love, I guess.
“You know we’re here for you,” Davina whispered. “Whenever. Wherever. You don’t have to hide here. I can keep Liam at bay and warn him to give you space.” I nodded. “Just come home with us. We miss you.”
I bit into my lip, tasting copper on my tongue. She was right, maybe it was time I stopped hiding. I was running out of training time with Derek too.
“Tell me what I’ve missed,” I asked instead.
“Ah, no, no, no,” Ivy protested. “You tell us what we’ve missed.”
“Are you and Sasha a thing?” Juliette reverted to her mouth without filter mode. “Is that the reason you want to stay here? Because Brennan hates the Russians?”
I sighed. In the group chat we’ve had she kept complaining about me staying here. With Russians of all people. I almost regretted that Sasha got me a new phone. Juliette needed a filter.
“I already told you, Jules,” I muttered. “We’re not a thing. He’s just helping me through some stuff.”
“We help each other through stuff,” she protested. “He’s an outsider.”
Ivy rolled her eyes. “So are Davina and I.”
Juliette shook her head. “No, we are a quad squad and no new applicants are accepted. Sasha has to go.”
Davina rolled her eyes. “And what do you want me to do with my husband?” she asked Jules dryly. “Want me to get rid of him too?”
“Well since you asked-” Juliette started and the three of us groaned.
“We should find you a fucking guy, so we can make you get rid of him,” Ivy mumbled annoyed.
My cousin just shrugged. “And I would. Men are an unnecessary distraction.” Jesus, maybe my mother’s words actually rubbed off on Juliette. “Besides, we have bigger problems.”
You never knew what’d come out of Juliette’s mouth.