35. Wynter
Wynter
A week until Christmas.
Six months since the last time I saw him.
Uncle Liam, Davina, Juliette, Ivy, and I were in Portugal. I needed some time alone, so I’d told them all I’d meet them at their house. Uncle insisted we stay in the hotel. Probably because he wanted privacy with Davina.
I was happy for them. I really was. Except it was such a painful reminder of the short time I had something similar. Regardless if it was real or fake. God, it felt real. My heart believed it was real.
Rather than letting my mind wander back to the past, I flipped through the channels again. Figure skating coverage was just as intense here as it was in the States. And somehow I kept landing on Derek’s and my number.
My failure , Mother called it. Her critique was right, and I blamed myself even more than my coach ever could.
Third place. They called it a disgrace for the ice princess. I fucking hated that title.
I watched as both Derek and I shot up into a quad Lutz.
The public put it on him, but it was all on me.
I got distracted, lost in my mind and that goddamn song.
I landed too close to my partner. The fall hurt like a motherfucker, but I kept going.
Despite the song that had my heart bleeding and my whole right side that hurt like hell. It didn’t match the pain in my chest.
The first song I danced to with Bas under the starry night and headlights of his car shining on us.
That song should never be played again. “I Found” by Amber Run would forever be on my banned list. Because I couldn’t listen to the words without feeling Bas’ hands on me, his mouth on my skin, and his scent all over me.
Third place. It wasn’t good enough. The whole right side of my hip was bruised and it ached. My ego might hurt even more and my heart was so used to the fucking pain by now that I barely noticed it.
The Winter Olympics would start in two months.
The world speculated who would compete. I wanted out.
Mother refused to even hear about it. I tried so hard over the last six months.
If I was in singles, I could power through it.
But not with Derek and the way I had to fight the flinch each time his hands rested on me.
“We still have a chance at gold,” Mom protested when I tried to tell her I couldn’t do it.
Except that I no longer felt the music, nor the passion.
“Is this the end of Star Flemming?” the announcer on the television screamed. “She shone bright but every star eventually burns out.”
I threw the remote at the television. The worst part was that he wasn’t wrong. I was burnt out. I had nothing more to give. All I felt was pain. I didn’t even know how to come to terms with any of it.
Bas, his father, my mother, her ruined career, my father. I knew nothing anymore.
Sasha gave me facts, but there was so much more to the story that only my mother knew. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to ask her and cause her pain.
And this fucking pain in my chest was unbearable. I wanted it to ease so each breath I took wouldn’t hurt so bad. I wanted to forget, so I’d be the old me. The old me that only cared about skating.
Someone knocked on my hotel door. I ignored it. Another knock.
“No room service needed,” I shouted.
“Open the goddamn door,” Juliette’s voice came through and I covered my face with my hands. I couldn’t deal with anyone. “I hear you replaying that stupid shit. Let me in before I break down this door and the hotel calls Dad.”
I couldn’t be left alone for just a moment, for Christ’s sake. Was some alone time too much to ask?
As her pounding got more violent, I sighed and stilled myself for the mask I had gotten used to wearing. ‘Everything’s fine’ mask. I got off the bed and padded to the door, then unlocked it.
“I thought you left already,” I muttered.
“Nope, you’re not that lucky.”
I rolled my eyes. Obviously. I sat back on my bed and Juliette threw herself on it.
“Get your mind off all the shit that happened at the championship,” she said, exasperated. “You let things fester inside you too much. Nationals are done and behind you. You’ll kick ass at the Olympics.”
I stared at the screen, unwilling to comment.
“Her days as a single skater were amazing. Her talent is incomparable.” Another announcer pondered. “But maybe her ambition reached too far. She should have stayed in the singles.”
My lips thinned and I finally pressed the mute button. The announcer wasn’t totally wrong. I skated better alone. Now more than ever, because more than ever, I hated having to trust someone to catch me as he swung me through the air. I trusted Bas and look how that fucking ended.
With a cracked heart, that’s how. I didn’t need a cracked skull too.
When I remained quiet, Juliette sat up and her arms came around me. “I heard what your mom said,” she whispered. “It wasn’t just your failure. You’re not a failure. You are amazing no matter what place you get.”
Then why can’t my own mother say that? I thought silently.
“You still have a chance at the Olympic gold,” Juliette comforted. “If you want it. You have a right to say no.”
My throat squeezed so hard that I couldn’t utter a single word. So I just nodded. What was that saying… Every cloud has a silver lining. I tried so hard to find the silver lining, but it kept escaping me.
We stared at each other in thick silence and I returned my attention to the muted television where my failure played on repeat.
“I still remember that day when you stepped on the ice,” Juliette said softly, breaking the tension that was so stifling I could hardly breathe.
“I found a safe spot to sit down but you kept skating and falling. You were determined to stay on your feet.” I turned my head to meet Juliette’s blue eyes, wondering where she was going with it.
“Yes, you had that crazy look on your face that said ice is your life.” She rolled her eyes.
“Let me tell you, it was the most annoying look. But it wasn’t your love for ice that always fascinated me. It was your fucking determination.”
I blinked at her unexpected comment. “Determination?”
“Fuck yeah, Wynter.” She shoved her shoulder into me. “You’re the most determined, annoying woman ever. I knew that when I was five and I know it today.”
“Geez, thanks,” I muttered. “I’m feeling loved.”
She hugged me as if to compensate for her words. The truth was I didn’t mind them. I never minded Juliette’s honesty. Her crazy, unhinged ways… a bit. But never her honesty or directness. I loved her just the way she was though.
“I love you, Wyn.” Her hands around me tightened.
“But it’s killing me seeing you this way.
You shut down, refuse to talk about what happened.
” When I said nothing, she continued, “Don’t think the yellow, faded bruises escaped me when you finally came back home.
” For all Juliette’s reckless and wild ways, she noticed too much.
“You don’t want to share, I won’t make you.
Just know, no matter what, I’m here. I’ll always be here. ”
Tears burned and my throat scratched. “I’m fine,” I choked out, not able to say anything else.
“You say you’re fine, but inside you, it’s like you’re still bleeding.”
I wanted to spill it all out, tell her what happened. But I didn’t trust her temper. She’d go on the warpath and pull in all the available resources to end every DiLustro on this planet. I told my best friends just enough. I’d rather leave it at the broken heart than attempted rape.
No matter what, I knew Juliette would go after him. The trouble was that I wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge that a certain man with coal hair and the darkest eyes no longer walked this earth.
Regardless if he played me or not.