Chapter 5 OLIVIA
OLIVIA
My heart feels like it’s bleeding out with every minute we drive up the pass and into the Pines.
Memories of the day it was my brother and I doing the very same thing four years ago fill my head, tormenting me in cruel ways.
But halfway up, I decide that I have to leave most of my hollowness behind me.
If I have any chance of wanting closure or maybe even just to try and experience a semblance of a normal weekend, I need to let go of the pain that shadows over me from that night.
I need to believe that this weekend will mend what is broken inside me.
Morbid realities or unnatural desires. Along with the pain and the suffering, maybe even filling the void of lost memories.
But either way, I just need it all to vanish and disappear forever or simply make sense and patch me back up.
Luckily, Alli proves to be a great distraction.
She’s jamming out and singing I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace, not a care in the world, and I can’t help but to chuckle at her as I turn to face out my own window, watching as the sky darkens.
Eventually, we reach a dirt road, causing the tires to bump along the path before us as we make our way up the final stretch; waking a sleepy Jensen in the process.
I can see the plot of old wood cabins, some darker in color than others, along with a gathering of people who must have arrived not long ago.
"We're here, we're here!" Alli unclasps her seatbelt and turns around in her seat as the SUV hits every minor bump in the dirt road, her smile wide and her eyes beaming and I can’t help but to feel the sliver of excitement that she’s experiencing, just as if it were my own.
Just like I did the day I first came up.
Her Grandpop forbade her to ever participate in the Halloween tradition—a man with a head on his shoulders if you ask me.
Alli lived with him most of her life, and even though I’ve known her just as long, I’m ashamed to admit that I never really asked her about her parents.
But then he passed away last year, so I suppose now she’s free to do as she wishes.
I can understand her excitement and part of me wants to celebrate that with her, but I can only assume that she doesn’t have the sickening feelings embedded in her brain like I do, so any modicum of joy I feel for her doesn’t last very long.
Jensen reaches over and squeezes my thigh, probably assuming apprehension and attempting to calm my nerves. But despite what he or anyone else might think I'm going through right now, they have it all wrong.
I’m not thinking of the potential of the pain that can be brought on by an onslaught of forgotten memories pummeling me, or the nerves I feel as I realize that this is really happening.
No. Instead, I'm thinking of him.
I turn and aim a warm smile at Jensen, trying my best to be as accepting of his kindness and as convincing of my well-being as possible. But a chill runs down my spine when I feel that eerily familiar burn on my skin, almost like he's watching me right now.
Reminders of what I saw last night now take over my thoughts and I shiver. I can’t help but wonder if I’m going to see him. Or maybe he’ll want to avoid me like I want to avoid him.
My body has always reacted this way; whenever I feel like I’m on fire, it’s because he’s watching. But as I scan the surrounding area from inside of the car, I don’t see anyone particularly staring at me. Not yet anyway.
The car comes to a stop and I shake the thoughts as I step out. But I make the stupid mistake of looking for the infamous welcome sign.
Welcome to the Pines
But something wicked sinks into my stomach as I notice that the word pines is crossed out with red spray paint and replaced with the words
Final Forest
"Don't let that bother you," Jensen says as he meets me at the back of the car. I try to listen to the reassurance in his tone but I can’t help but still feel the faint spike of nausea that caresses me.
"Oh my gosh, I can't wait!" Alli playful jumps up and down, distracting me, as Banks watches her with something fierce but apathetic as well. Snow crunches under her feet as her eyes widen while she looks around.
We start dragging all of our luggage out of the SUV, snowflakes falling lightly from the sky.
It’s not as evidently Winter up here as it normally is; usually in the mountains it presents itself earlier than in the town.
There are small mounds of snow here and there but the ground is mostly dry of it, only wet with mud instead.
People come up to greet Jensen as we make our way over to the main cabin where everyone’s assigned cabins are listed and they can grab a necessity bundle.
Alli waves hello to a few familiar faces.
I recognize some people as they give awkward glances my way, but I tend not to pin myself to caring what others think of me and instead stick to myself and mind my own business for the most part.
I just know that right now, the looks I’m getting are inevitable because I’m sure most people expected me to stick this one out, just like I have the last three.
"They're just surprised to see you here, that's all.
" Jensen reads the atmosphere the same as I do, and he does his best to justify the actions of others.
If he thinks he has to do that the whole trip, I'll go crazy honestly.
I don't need anyone's reactions to be justified and I don’t want anyone caging me in with the protection they might think I need.
Not from this weekend, not ever. So I just brush his words off with a simple shrug of my shoulders before turning back to Alli.
"Come on!" She pulls at my arm. “I made sure we snagged the nicest cabin. Well…” She brings her eyes over to Jen. “Courtesy of Jensen, of course.”
I turn to look at him and he smirks as if he’s just saved the day.
“I figured you'd want less people crowding your space so I made sure the two of you have the cabin furthest from the others. It’s got the best beds and the hottest water as well.
Mine isn't too far away so if you decide you don't want to sleep alone…
" he trails off with a mindless grin and mischief painting a lusty picture in his eyes.
I pretend to be oblivious to his attempt at flirting by countering his concern with reassurance of my own.
"Thank you." I say to him and his smile drops a bit, likely noticing the conflict brewing in my eyes. Or hearing my tone; one that says that he can’t flirt with me like that anymore.
“What is it?” he asks, reaching his hand out to grab mine and this time, I don’t let him. Instead, I use my hands to grip the strap of my bag slung over my shoulder.
"I just . . . I'm going to be fine, you know? You don't have to babysit me this weekend. You can do whatever it is that you and your boys are gonna do. Or you and the girls. I'm going to be okay."
"I just want to make sure you know that I’m still here for you and that you have everything you need. And there are no other girls, Liv. You know that."
"I really appreciate it, Jen but really, the last thing I need is for you to treat me like some kind of fragile flower you have to keep watering in order to keep alive.
" I cringe at my juvenile analogy, but it’s the only way I can tell him that he should probably back off without telling him that I want him to actually back off.
"I understand.” His voice drops. “You’ll let me know if you need anything?" he asks as he pushes my hair behind my ear with a partition smile on his face. I shiver at the gesture, but not because I enjoy his touch; quite the opposite actually.
It reminds me of someone else doing that very same thing, and it's a dangerous thought to have.
I feign a chill from the cold and he removes his hand, nodding his head over to the direction of Alli.
"I won't hover. But I'm not going to leave you entirely alone either.
And like I said, if you need anything my cabin is not far away from yours.
I just have to help put up some of the tarp covers first, but we can meet up later. "
I smile at him before turning my eyes down to the ground, feeling a little saddened in the moment.
I already miss Deck’s presence so much, the sting of tears prick the corner of my eyes.
If nothing productive comes out of this weekend, at least I can say that I got to be closer to his memory knowing that our last moments were spent up here together, even if I can’t truly remember what they might have been.
I turn to see that Alli is waiting for me a few trees back and I remove myself from Jensen to head her way. I reach for my phone in my pocket and start to type out a text to my dad.
"Sunshine?"
I turn back around to Jensen's voice, but I raise my eyebrows at him as he nods his head at my phone.
"Sorry. Olivia,” he corrects himself. “No phones," he states, and I present him with a confused look.
"I don't remember that being a rule," I say as I place a hand on my hip, and he just chuckles.
"It's not a rule. But the signal doesn't work up here." He twists his finger around in the air as his words come off slightly condescending.
Fuck. Since when? I don’t recall the signal ever being disrupted before. I need to text my dad. I hadn’t really confirmed that I was going to be up here this weekend and I kind of just left the Beetle sitting in the middle of his driveway.
“Don’t worry, Liv. Your dad knows you’re here,” he whispers.
“He does?” I look at him in confusion. But of course he texted my dad. My dad’s always been really fond of Jensen and they built a bit of a bond over the years. And I have to admit that even if we aren’t together, I still appreciate that he’s looking out for me as if we were.
But at the same time, those things have to stop.