Chapter 6 OLIVIA #3
"I don't give a fuck, Jensen!" I turn my head to yell at him. I can’t recall a time I’ve actually ever raised my voice at him, so I know the look on his face is partly in horror mixed with confusion.
"I told you not to do it, and yet you did it again." I'm furious. Maybe because I'm on edge on top of everything else right now.
Sure, maybe if the circumstances were different, this could have been a good laugh to have. But fuck that. He should know that now is not the time or place to be—seemingly on purpose—trying to scare me to death. He has to understand that.
"Come on, Liv." He tries to defend himself while following behind me. "Just wait a second."
I don't say a word as I travel between the trees to find my way back to Alli and the others. For the first time in my life, I want to be around other people. Anyone other than the only person I’ve really allowed into my life these last few years.
Jensen has never handled me with anything more than slight overprotection, eager proximity, and pure understanding, but this .
. . I know that I can’t pretend any longer knowing that his disregard for my boundaries seems to be a joke to him—even if it’s never happened before.
"Olivia," he pleads, and I can't find it in me to even care about his desperate attempt to stop me. Am I overreacting? Maybe. But I refuse to feel invalidated.
"No, I-" I can feel it coming up like a thick lava. I’m going to snap and it’s not going to be pretty.
"I'm sorry. Let's just move on and head to the lanterns together. I promise I won't do it again." I hear the sincerity in his voice, but it just sounds pathetic to me. The damage is done.
He reaches out to grip my elbow, forcing me to turn and face him and that's when I decide that I can't hold it back anymore.
"I can't!" I say with gritted teeth, clenching my jaw to prevent myself from really ripping into him.
"You can't?" His question is accompanied by the concern in his tone and normally, I'd feel regret by making Jensen feel worried, but there's too much going on in my head and I just want to remove myself from the stress of this obligation.
"Yeah, I can't do this anymore," I say in a biting tone. It's hard because he's looking at me like he always does, and I know that I'm about to ruin that. “You need to let me go, Jensen. You need to move on,”
I can feel the way his body shifts at my words, his demeanor changing when he realizes what I'm really trying to say.
"Me?" He points to his chest.
"Yes. You keep hovering. You keep treating me like your girlfriend. I don’t want to be your girlfriend, Jensen. I am not your girlfriend and I need you to leave me alone." His shoulders drop at my words and I can see the sadness take over his expression.
"Liv, I wasn't thinking when I jumped out at you.
I just- I heard you coming back and I . .
. I mean, I don't think that this should be reason enough to end our relationship.
" He takes a step toward me and I take a step back. I can hear the panic in his tone, and there’s a glimmer of fear—maybe annoyance—in his eyes.
“Our relationship ended weeks ago. You just refuse to accept it.”
I take a deep breath and lower my head, not wanting to look at him.
This is my fault. I let him have parts of me that no one else has had because I needed to erase him.
Because Jen has been the most consistent thing from that night.
But I did the right thing, it took me a while but I did and now, he has to accept it.
I bring my head back up to look at him only to find that his eyes have switched from concern and pain to something more alarming.
"Wait a second…" He looks up at me. "Is this because of him?"
"What are you-"
"You know, I've heard the same thing everyone else has, Olivia.
He's back and I didn’t want to believe it when I heard that he's looking for you. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The timing of our breakup, and the way you’ve been acting.
" Jensen's words sound bitter and almost jealous.
But I don't have time to address them properly because my lungs feel like they're collapsing in my chest all while my body starts to light with the flame of those words.
Looking for you.
Even if that is true, I wouldn’t know why. But it would truly explain the feeling of being watched, at least the recent times I've noticed.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I try to display cluelessness to his accusation, partially because I am clueless.
He’s looking for me? How the hell would Jen or anyone else know that? And why would he think that I care?
My head starts to spin. Nothing feels like solid ground right now as I try to balance my brain and my heart.
Both of which are in agreement of at least one thing right now; Jensen and I have to close this chapter.
No matter what, this was always the plan.
Everything else that battles between my guarded heart and my wickedly reckless brain is something I’ll have to figure out later.
"Come on, Liv. Do you really think that everyone in this town is that dumb? We all saw the way the two of you looked at each other all those years ago. It wasn't hard to put those pieces together. I knew I was just a rebound for you." Jensen speaks to me calmly, even though he seems sour about the fact that us breaking up might actually have to do with him. But that isn’t the reason. Or at least it wasn’t. Maybe it was all along. Maybe I knew deep down that I couldn’t belong to anyone else.
But I don't want to talk about him anymore.
Especially not to Jensen. And I don't want to think about him or the possibility of him being back and looking for me because he's one of the reasons I began to fall apart in the first place. He’s the reason I turned to Jensen.
And my moments with him are the last I can remember from that night until after the bodies were found.
"Well, he has nothing to do with this," I start, needing to just escape this place my mind is now spinning in.
Jensen remains silent and I can't stand to sit in the awkwardness that breathes between us, so I try my best to change the tone of our situation and approach him a little more gently, but it seems to backfire in an instant.
"I want you to know that I think you're a really great guy and I appreciate-"
"Save it," he demands in a tone that I'm not used to hearing come from him. His whole body language changes along with the disappointment I sense swimming in his words.
"Jensen, don't be like that," I say as he decides to push past me, heading toward the direction of the group by the paper lanterns.
But I don't bother to chase after him, because even though I feel a tiny hint of dismay settle in my heart from the way I just made him feel, I know it’s the right thing to do for me. And at least now, it’s done.
So why is my gut telling me that I just made a huge fucking mistake?